Topic: The Color of My Life - Lola's Journal

Lola Granger

Date: 2011-01-05 16:57 EST
It was cold outside, cold and gray. Lola curled up on her love seat with a blanket, a mug of steaming hot chamomile tea and a box of tissues on the end table. A fire helped against the chill, crackling merrily away. The very small sitting room didn't hold much else, just one more chair and an overfilled bookshelf. After all, her workroom filled most of the ground floor of the small house. She took a sip of tea and then opened the leather binding on this new diary. Every year since Lola was able to write, her mother had given her a blank journal for Christmas; when Mama died, Ollie had taken on the tradition.

5 January

My head hurts. I'm all over the place " there's too much going on and I haven't written any of it down, but I have to now. It's all scattered in my head and I can't even work on my loom because everything is a mess. Caroline is still taken, and Papa is being so stubborn about the money " he said it's because it's not just a flat price, that Anubis Karos really wants the Conglomerate to pay ten percent forever, that it's extortion.

But it's Caroline. How can we just leave her there" Ollie would be so mad if he knew what I thought about, sometimes. And it probably wouldn't even work. I think I'm thinking about it more now because I haven't been out of the house in days, what with this cold. I miss Caro. Christmas was a mess this year, and Maple Grove was all out of balance. Humphrey wasn't speaking to Papa at all, and as soon as Ollie got there Papa left, and Gigi was never there at all "

Cian's back in town " I saw him at the Inn, him and Gabi and Frank, and I'm glad I went up to see Gabi at the library before I caught this cold. She had Dom's new samples out and took pictures and made so many notes for me! She's so confident in the library. Cian was telling stories about his adventures, but I didn't hear them all because Silviu was there too. I need to see if he'll tell them again, or new ones. I love hearing Cian's stories.

And Silviu. Oh. If Ollie would be mad about my idea to get back Caroline " what is he going to think of Silviu" I didn't know, I swear I didn't realize " and Silviu was so kind, and utterly polite every time I asked to look at the materials. He wears such wonderful things, the colors, and the fabric is so much richer, so much better than anything I can make yet. And we only talked of simple things, and he told me a little bit of such strange places while he walked me safely home from the Inn " and then he asked to court me.

I haven't had anyone ask to court me, before. There was Brandon, while I was in Uni " but he never asked to court me, and after he tried" well. I didn't know what to do when Silviu asked, but I said that he may court me. I didn't know, then.

His heart doesn't beat, though he breathes. His hands are always cool against my skin. He's a vampire, and he promised not to hurt me. I believe him " oh, Ollie will be furious! " but now while I sit here, I remember something else Silviu said. "I'm a messy eater, when I'm too hungry." Something close to that. And when I remember it, I want to weep, or scream. Because that means" it means something horrible.

I don't know what to do. After he told me what he is, I was " I think I was a little in shock. I invited him here, to see what I do, how I work. And he came over the next night, and he overwhelmed my little house, just him, just his presence. I think he would overwhelm the Big House at Maple Grove. But he listened while I told him about the dyes, and watched while I showed him a little bit of the loom, and he was interested, I think. And hardly anyone is ever really interested in how I do what I do, though they like the things I make.

I find myself sleeping late, to noon or later, and staying up into the early hours of the morning, because I want to see Silviu again " and of course, he can't be in the sunlight. Well, the past few days it's just because of all the coughing, but even before then. I'm scared, not that he'll hurt me, but that he attracts me. I know what he is, he feeds on people and drinks their blood, and kills them, and still he attracts me. His hair feels like the softest silk, softer and smoother than a baby's. I want to tell Ollie about him, but I don't know what to say. I would ask Caro ? but Caro's gone. Jon is back from his trip over Christmas, I heard that, but I haven't seen him nor Gigi (I think Gigi would try to kill Silviu, I really do). I don't know what to do.

I suppose I'll try to sleep again, and then work on my new dress. It's such a lovely blue silk, really.

Lola Granger

Date: 2011-01-24 02:30 EST
The winter sun shone light into the small kitchen, but little in the way of heat. That came from the iron stove, and the mug of tea that rested near the middle of the table with a curl of steam into the cooler air. Lola sat with her hair tucked back out of her face, a pen in her hand and her diary open and waiting. After a moment she bent her head and started to write.

23 January

Silviu isn't a murderer. Caroline is back " returned to us. Papa hit me, and said terrible things " he frightened me. There's ever so much more that everything is all a whirl, but I keep spinning back to those things, the warp threads that the rest colors itself around. I suppose I should begin at the beginning to keep myself from getting too tangled " but it just seems like everything goes more and more to knots, sometimes.

Silviu came to visit me, a few days after the last time I wrote anything " I asked him so many questions, and I was probably terribly rude about it " but he answered what I asked and told me a little bit about how the vampires of his world are. They aren't like the ones we know here, at all from the way he makes it sound. He has to drink blood " but he doesn't have to kill the people he drinks from, and he only needs to feed once a week or so.

I offered to feed him. Isn't that silly' But I know what he would be doing, you see, and it must be terrifying for the people he feeds on now, if they don't know, if they think he's like the other vampires we know of here. And it would be easier for him. So I offered, and he said no. He said it was for concern of my family, but " well, surely that was all it was. And later, we went to the Marriage of Figaro, and out again, and stayed in another evening " it was all marvelous. I've never felt this way about anyone before, a little giddy, a little breathless, and a little scared, every time I see him, every time I think about him.

Then " last week, Caroline was returned. I don't know why Anubis Karos let her go, but he did, he dropped her back onto the grounds at Maple Grove. He'd hurt her " she was thin and pale, bruised and so terribly hurt when I went to see her, and bring back Zaphod. She was asleep, and I couldn't ask her what happened. Humphrey wouldn't tell me anything, but he wanted me to move back up to Maple Grove. I can't do it " I can't, I won't. Alder House is too close there and I'm more scared of Papa right now than I am of living here in the city.

There was a meeting of the board, and I don't know what happened there except that Humphrey said they will pay Anubis what he asked for, and Papa was furious. I found him, later, after the meeting. I had to tell him, I thought, about Caroline, about what had been done to her " I had to tell him that he should have given whatever Anubis wanted to get her back before she was so badly hurt.

He doesn't want the family to keep being threatened, that's all. Really, it is, it must be, mustn't it' He thinks that now that we've paid, other people will keep threatening us to get the same things. But I didn't really listen to him, and I lost my temper " he told me to be quiet, and I didn't, I told him that I knew why he turned out Ollie, and his women, and the money from the Conglomerate. And he kept telling me to be quiet, and I kept going " and he hit me. He was so angry, and I should have held my tongue.

Then " he said that I wasn't to tell anyone about it, or the rest. And" I told Silviu what happened, and Ollie, both. I didn't tell Silviu everything, just a little bit " I didn't tell him what Papa said after. And when Ollie saw my face, he knew, he used to have bruises just like that' but I didn't tell Ollie everything either. I didn't, and I won't unless I have to, unless someone asks. But hardly anyone asks, do they, and that means I don't have to tell. Silviu said he won't interfere, that it's family business " and that's good, I don't want him to hurt Papa. I just hope that Ollie doesn't do something rash and get into even more trouble or hurt.

It sounds terrible when I write it out like that. But I'm so mixed up, and so scared, and I won't have people worrying so much about me again that they forget themselves. Not after what happened to Caro. And the others have their own things to worry about " Kaylee's leaving, going to Los Angeles to sing, but that's not really why she's going. It's because of Jon and Correy. That must have hurt her so badly - but' I can't help but think it would have been worse if things had gotten more serious and this happened later. Correy's so happy with Jon, too " I can see it on him, just in the way he smiles. And when I saw Jon, he was looking so much more relaxed.

Calypso's back in town, and it was so good to see her again! Bridget and Gigi and Elena and Dom, Gabi and Cian and Frank " I haven't seen them in weeks, I need to find them and visit. My truck died, I can't afford a replacement on my own " Silviu offered to give me the money for a new one, and I don't know whether I should take it or not. He says it's just a trifle for him, but it's really quite a lot. And I'm trying to get enough organized for the gallery with Ollie, if we find a good place for it. I need to dye a new batch of yellows and oranges as soon as the weather warms enough for it, and I've too much blue and green on hand that I need to use up.

These are all the things I distract myself with, you see. Papa came to see me here, in the city, yesterday afternoon. He ? he's so filled with anger, and I was provoking again, I defied him again. It was my own fault, really, I knew better. I won't forget to lock my doors again.

Lola Granger

Date: 2011-01-30 22:56 EST
Late afternoon was fading into evening, and Lola sat curled up on her bed with her back against the wall. She had a throw blanket wrapped around her shoulders and her journal spread open on her knees.

30 January

There are clouds in the sky, and it's still desperately cold outside. I don't know if I'll go anywhere tonight, either. I should " I will. Once I've finished this, I'll find something warm and bright and a place that's cheerful and lively. The Inn, maybe. Maybe not there, maybe one of the places near to the University.

No, that's just me being silly. I can't avoid the places I like to go just because he might be there. Silviu. We're not " whatever we were. He's not courting me anymore. There, it's on paper. Aren't I foolish' We talked, after all, and it was at least as much my doing as his that we've broken off. Still friends, I hope, when it doesn't ache to see him again. But nothing more than friends. He saw the weariness, the circles from staying up so late and still working during the day, and " well, it wouldn't have worked, that's all. I want children, eventually, and that wouldn't happen with Silviu.

So I've been wallowing a bit in self-pity, and now I need to go out and be around people again before I get myself all twisted and tangled up. And besides, if I stay in and Papa comes looking again " well, I just won't stay in, that's all.

I think I've found a truck that will do, with a cover to the bed of it and a transmission that isn't too clunky. It's run on a spell-powered engine instead of the fuels I'm used to, but I think that might be even easier to take care of. Maybe. I can't afford it, of course, but " well, I can pay back the loan in not too very much time, especially if I'm careful with my money.

Ollie has been hiding again, painting like a madman, and I really need to go over and shake him free " or at least make him dinner. Not tonight, but maybe tomorrow. And I think it might even be nice enough out tomorrow to set up another dye batch, indigo and purples.

I can try to find Calypso " she's out of the house more often than she's in " or some of the rest of the family, maybe. Jon and Correy " I should apologize, for missing Jon's performance. I think this might be the first time I've missed one of his plays here in RhyDin. Oh " I'm doing it again, and now I'm just writing to keep from having to face the rest of the world. I should have known better, after all ? so stupid, so foolish. This isn't heartbreak, after all, I'm just full of the might-have-been.

Lola Granger

Date: 2011-02-02 23:54 EST
It had taken a couple of hours of shoveling to clear off a wide path from the door down to the sidewalk and then the stretch of sidewalk in front of her little house. When she entered the house she was flushed from the exertion and the cold and her hands were freezing even inside her warm mittens. She hung up the mittens, coat and scarf to dry and warm up in front of the fire and brushed off more snow from the legs of her trousers before she gave that up as a lost cause and went to change. Finally, dry and starting to warm up, she picked up her journal and headed for the kitchen to start making cocoa.

2 February

There's always so much happening in the city " it seems like there's hardly ever a chance to stop and just breathe. The storm last night was terrible, over a foot of snow and the wind " I think as soon as it clears enough I need to go up and check the roof. There's a leak just beside my bed, now. I put a bowl under it, but it's too slick to go up and see what needs to be fixed, yet.

I told Cally what happened, and Correy " not at the same time. Cally's a good friend and I made a terrible mess of her shoulder, crying all over it that way. But it helped, to cry and talk and let out some of the hurt and confusion and upset. Having a true friend helps. She surprised me, too, and shared a secret. She's not human " she's something else, magical. She said she could make a charm to make me ageless, if I wanted it.

How could I" There are too many people I love that I would be leaving behind. But she seemed so worried when she told me " as if that would make a difference, as if I'd suddenly stop being her friend because she's not human! Well, I won't.

I had to tell Correy what happened when he came to visit the next night, because I had to apologize for missing Jon's show. I felt terrible about it " I haven't missed a single one of his shows here in RhyDin until this one. We went out, and ran into Calypso already at the Red Dragon " she was talking with someone on the porch, that Marek Kharune. She was upset, and tried to hide it' people think I don't see it, when they try to hide things from me, to protect me. I do. I just keep it to myself, more often than not.

Correy made us drinks " Snakebites, I think" " and we all talked once Cally came in. There was another man there, Luke, and Correy had bid on him for the date auction and won! Correy and Cally kept joking with him, that he had so many women" but I don't think he really does. It's just a feeling, mostly, and something about the way he answered. He didn't take himself too seriously, I think that was it.

After three Snakebites " oh, that was a mistake " we played Truth or Dare, and I asked another man at the bar to join us in the game. Only it turned out the man was Katt's Toby, and Correy was furious with him. I think " I think I would have been angrier, except that now I know how it can be " when there's more than everybody knows. We don't really know what happened between Toby and Katt, after all. Just the little bit we heard, saw.

By the time we left, the cheerful mood was just gone. Correy was still angry with Toby, Cally still angry and hurt by Marek, and" I didn't have anything I could do to help. We ended up all going back to my house, and we watched silly action movies until the sun came up. I hope that did help, that it made them feel a little better.

I had a terrible hangover when I woke up, though. It was ghastly. But there were all the signs of a storm, so I got up, and went down to the Market for a few more things " just in case " and more wood and candles and fuel for the lamps. I don't have the truck yet, but I should be able to get it next Monday. Until then, I just had to walk " it took three trips. I was glad to get inside, back home. Not just for the headache? I just felt odd, as if someone was watching me. But when I looked, I never saw anybody looking at me. I don't know. It was probably just my headache. I think I'm going to go check the locks and then sit by the fire with my knitting, tonight.

Lola Granger

Date: 2011-02-05 22:43 EST
Cold weather tended to lead to a hermit-state for Lola, but she still had business to attend to and work to do. Finally, after a day of visiting various shop owners and merchants and meeting disappointment, she returned home. When she sat at the kitchen table with a sandwich and a glass of milk, she brought her journal with her.

5 February

I feel like I need to go back and figure out where I missed the warp thread, that I should unweave my life a bit to find the flaw and correct it. Only life isn't so simple as the loom and there are so many threads to mine, between friends and family and everything, all of them pulling and tugging out of balance. I feel like my colors are all blue and grey that I'm hiding in the springtime shades of bright. Oh " I get so silly sometimes. Nobody is dead, Caro is back to us" we're fed, and clothed. It could be so very much worse.

I haven't made a sale in ever so long, and my accounts are looking thin. I don't want to dip into the savings for the gallery, but I might have to, just to keep paying for my house. But I did get the loan from the bank for the truck, and that will help " it's much harder to take things for display if I don't have a vehicle, and that's part of why I haven't had any sales.

I did go out the other night, again " I'm trying not to wrap up inside too much. It's so much easier to hide, but that's no good, really. The Inn was crowded and got even more " especially when Eless and a new "tender named Risa came in and brought the things for a water balloon fight. Only it wasn't just water in the balloons! Some of them had whipped cream and others had jello' I think I got Riley and Eless and some big man I don't know and Icer and maybe a couple of other people. And I got covered with whipped cream and jello and it was actually a lot of fun. I laughed more than I had in days.

Calypso hit this blonde man " I didn't know his face, but she seemed to know him already " especially by the way he hugged her and smooshed her into the mess on his chest, and how protective he was of her. At least at first. Then Cally told me his name, and his sister's. Alaric and Nina Granger. Cousins, but not ones I know except for all the whispers and stories" I was fourteen or fifteen when it happened, and I hadn't really seen them but once or twice. Next time I see them I'll have to introduce myself " I was just on the way out when Cally told me who they were.

And I haven't seen Cally since that night. I'm getting terribly worried. She was all bruised the other night, and she didn't want to talk about why. I wouldn't press her in the Inn, but I'd planned to ask her at home. Only she didn't come home. She's grown of course, and now I know she has magic to help defend herself, but she still had those bruises. So " it's one more thread that's pulling off-kilter.

Taneth has a dog named Lola " she named her after me, which is very sweet of her, but it made so much confusion when she came in and announced that Lola was having babies! I'm not, of course, but the dog is going to have puppies. Maybe Taneth would give me one? I'll have to think about that. And it might be a good idea to have a dog around. I keep feeling like somebody's watching me when I'm out, but there's never anybody there. I think it's just the stress. I won't let that keep me hiding, either, when I'm sure it's just my imagination.

Lola Granger

Date: 2011-02-08 08:13 EST
It was late by the time Lola left Cally in the living room. Late by the time she curled up into the covers of her bed and pressed her back against the wall with her arms around her knees. The throw blanket she'd carried up from the living room lay crumpled over the foot of the bed. She'd turned out the lights in the room " so that Calypso would think she was sleeping, that she was resting. There was a streetlight, though, that shone in through her window and lit up the falling snow outside. She clung to the light as fiercely as she clung to the illusionary protection of the quilt, until finally the golden wash of sunrise released her with a shudder. Then she crawled out from the covers just long enough, just far enough to pick up her journal and her pen before she retreated.

7 February

I should really call it 8 February. I'm writing this in the morning, in the sunlight. But it all happened last night, so it was the seventh. It started as such a good day, too. I got the truck " it runs well, except the heat doesn't always work. I took it out, and to the market " oh, that was so much easier with the truck. Then I was feeling so good, I decided to go out, to the Red Dragon.

It was fun, at first. Cally and Correy and Luke and someone I hadn't met named Rhys were there " I made cider, and cocoa for Cally. We were all talking when Gigi came in, and then Correy wanted to go out to talk to her. Ollie showed up after a little while, and I was so happy to see him! He's been staying in his studio and working so much, and I've hardly seen him in ages it feels like. He'd brought me a present.

That's where everything started going wrong. He'd brought three tickets to the Pirates of Penzance " we haven't gone to a show together for ever so long, and I was so happy. But the third ticket was meant for Silviu" I hadn't seen Ollie since Silviu and I stopped seeing each other. He looked so uncomfortable at the idea, but he was trying, to reach out to someone I cared about. I tried not to show the hurt, much, and I suggested we go with Cally instead.

It's not that he means to do it " but Ollie's not really always the best with people. He was trying to tease her, really he was. And he wouldn't even do that if he didn't like her. But the way it came out, on top of Luke and Rhys and that man who'd treated her like a hooker, I think it hurt her some. She left to go to the ladies room and Ollie asked me what he'd said. So I told him. I wouldn't lie to my own brother.

It went out of control so fast. Gigi said something, and he snapped back, and then he went to go, only Correy came in and said that Ollie was being mean, that he was turning into Junior, that he'd be just like him. Ollie would never be just like Papa " but for a minute I was afraid, because he was. He picked up Correy and slammed him into the bar counter, and his voice was just like Papa's right before" right before. Low, and controlled, and angry. We " Cally and I " we got him to let Correy go, and he was already sorry for it when he was leaving again. But Gigi went to try to defend Correy, I think, and then they were brawling" They were hurting each other so much.

I felt like I wanted to be sick. And poor Correy, he was so brave, trying to stop them, trying to take all the blame. It was everybody's fault, or nobody's. Cally tried to stop them " I saw her, using her magic. And Jon showed up " Ollie hit him by mistake in the fighting. We got it stopped, finally. Ollie was crying " all I could do was hold him, until he was ready, and then let him go. He needs to get himself balanced again " I know that, I know how he is " if I went right after him he would be worse off. I'll see him today.

Jon went after Correy " I had to tell Jon what happened, and Jon will make sure that Correy is all right. I think Cally tried to talk to Gigi but by the time I went back inside Gigi was already gone. Eless had come in during the fight too' that must have hurt her terribly. She was talking with some of the others inside though, when I got there, and she seemed to be doing better after a while.

I held it inside as long as I could. I tried to smile and talk with the others, and then" I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. I went to the ladies room and I was so very sick. When I came out I told Cally and Eless I was leaving, and Eless said she'd walk with me, part of the way.

That helped. It really did, talking with Eless while we walked. It meant I left my truck at the Inn, though. I decided to walk home, and go back for it in the morning. And really, I did have that cinnamon brandy in my cider, so it probably wouldn't have been good to drive anyway. So I walked, alone.

I should never have walked alone. Cally didn't see the bruise on my neck because I pulled up the blanket to where she never could. She didn't notice how careful I was to move " she was so tired, from not sleeping and from using her magic. He came out of the dark and I never saw him, nothing but a flash of his eyes in the midnight. I bit his hand, I tried to get away, but it wasn't enough. I was terrified. He drank from me " I thought I was going to die, and it still felt so good, better than' than anything I've felt before.

That scared me more than anything else, more than the pain, the taking, the violation of it. It felt good. I didn't worry about Ollie or Correy or Gigi or Cally or Papa. I just sank into it, and that terrified me. I thought I was going to die, and in that moment' it didn't even scare me. Not until he let me go. Let me live. I ran for home and made it in before Cally did, still. I washed my face, and the bruise is livid on my neck but it's low enough to hide.

I'll wear scarves until it heals, and shirts with high collars. I won't walk alone in the dark again. Cally and I talked once she did get home " she'd walked home barefoot in this weather and hadn't even noticed it! There's a man named Robert that she's been using her magic against' she wouldn't tell me anything about him. I won't pry out her secrets if she wants to keep them, but I wish she'd told me. She went to bed when I did, and I hope she sleeps. I couldn't. I watched the light from the window coming in until sunrise, and now I'll get up, now that it's on paper. I'm going to get dressed, and work on my loom, and on the dress for Cally to go to Pirates of Penzance with Ollie and I. Later I'll go see Ollie and make sure she's all right. Just a little later.

Lola Granger

Date: 2011-02-12 22:24 EST
She hadn't yet decided on a name for the little bundle of fluff that greeted her so enthusiastically at the front door. That didn't stop her from scooping the puppy up and whispering nonsense to it, regardless of the effects of red dog hair on the green silk. When the pup wriggled to be let down she released him and retreated to her room to change out of the dress she'd put on for Riley's reception.

12 February

There's too much.

Lola Granger

Date: 2011-02-18 20:49 EST
The workroom was the one part of Lola's little house that always remained ruthlessly organized, despite the near-constant disorder of the rest. Until this past week, that was. Now organization had become a very special kind of madness. Lists and papers were tacked to nearly every available surface, there was a stack of contracts sitting on top of her neglected loom, and every single one of her dress forms was filled. From picking out which dresses would be included in the show to making sure they were fitted to the models to working with Millie & Mallie House to select the music and staging " Lola would have been long since overwhelmed if Calypso hadn't stepped in to fill the breach. Organization and arranging, after all, were things Cally specialized in!

Finally, and feeling just a bit in over her head, Lola found a free moment between the departure of one model and the arrival of the next to jot down a journal entry.

18 February

I'm going quite, quite mad. I've never done anything like this before " a "collection", a "line" for display in Fashion Week! But " it feels like the right step, I think. I couldn't use all my own weaving for this " I had to go back and beg some of the fabrics I needed from Papa. I shouldn't have gone, I should have found another way " he was so very angry " but, well, I have what I need now. And if this goes well, I won't have to ask for anything else again, ever. I'm working with Mille & Mallie House " Koyliak is their head designer. Koy! And I'm showing with their house!

There's so very much to do to make sure everything goes smoothly, from making sure that the dresses are right for the models to meeting with the makeup artists and hair people and music and lights and oh! I would never, ever be able to do this on my own. Calypso is amazing, though, she just stays so calm and organized and together. I feel like I'm scattering into a million pieces.

I can't wait for the Pirates of Penzance tomorrow, though " Ollie and Caro and I are going all together and Cally promised me that she would be there and sitting with us. If she doesn't come I'll " well, I don't know what I'll do, to be honest. But I want Ollie to see Cally in the dress I made. It's beautiful, and she's beautiful, and I know he says he's happy being alone " but he's liked her for ever so long and he can never seem to say what he's thinking to her. Maybe if he sees her in this he'll be able to tell her that she is beautiful. Just that would be a start.

I haven't seen Connor in days, not since Valentine's " and wasn't that a surprise! He saved me from that mugging, just a few days before Valentine's Day, and then he was ever so polite. He walked me home to make sure I made it the rest of the way safely' and his coat had been cut in the fight, so of course I offered to mend it. We talked when he came to pick that up, too " and that was nice, it really was. Then he surprised me by showing up on Valentine's Day with a bouquet of flowers and an offer to go out. I went " I even dressed up more than I hardly ever do " and had such a good time.

Connor walked me home that night, too, to make sure I was safe (since I really couldn't drive after the drinks) " but' well. The walk home wasn't the dangerous part of the night. I talked with Cally after I got in, and then, it was so late " four in the morning, or almost five, maybe? So we went up and I went into my bedroom' and he was there. The one who took from me in the alley " in my own bedroom!

There aren't " I don't have words for how very frightened I was. And half the fear was of myself, of how very much I wanted more of that, that pleasure that came when he was drinking my blood. He was so clever with his words in my ear, too " I admitted it to him, that I'd enjoyed it, that it scared me. He did drink from me again, but' I let him, that time. I gave. He was more careful, less rough, and he bit lower " closer to my collarbone, easier to hide. I have been, too, and now the bruise is gone. I told Kaylee after the first time, just her, but " I haven't told anyone, this time.

Icarus.

Lola Granger

Date: 2011-03-31 20:58 EST
Clouds hung in the sky, threatening cold rain later, and Lola hurried to pull the freshly dyed skeins of thread, yarn and lengths of fabric from the line into the large wicker basket. She'd been working with a deep blue-violet and the scent of it was nearly overwhelming, vaguely acrid, as she picked up the basket and balanced it on her hip to bring indoors. Buster bounced at her heels all the way into the kitchen with a bright red rubber ball in his mouth, until he skittered off to his flat cushion of a bed. He curled up there and started trying to chew his way through the ball with little growling sounds to keep him company.

Her workroom was nearly as chaotic as it had been during the preparations for Fashion Week, and that was largely because of the show: she'd received a surge of commissions that had kept her overwhelmingly busy. When she cleared a space on one of her worktables to put down the basket, and her journal stared at her in silent accusation, it wasn't much of a surprise. Today, however, she actually picked up the leather-bound book and a pen, and sat. Perhaps it would help her sort some of the internal chaos out, anyway.

31 March 2011

It's been so long since I've written " over a month " that I hardly know where to begin. So much has happened! And not all of it is good or pleasant' I don't have the skill at tapestry that some of my cousins do " my weaving is usually so much simpler " but if I were to weave my life now it would make the most hideous mess of colors all tangled together.

The bright threads first, then " so few of them, but they shine out because of that. Fashion Week was amazing; my show did so well! I could never have done it without Cally, either. One of the reviewers said, "Despite some inconsistencies and one stylistic misstep, this was a breakout show with immense flair, color and promise. Can't wait to see more from L/O!" I was so happy. I even know which dress the reviewer was talking about " I wasn't happy with it when it was finished, but I didn't have time to make another as a substitute for the show. The dress wasn't bad, really, just' it didn't quite fit with the others. So that's all right. And so much business has come in from the show " I have six commissions I'm working on right now and more on the books. Gold for Fashion Week.

Which brings up that I'm running out of room here. I love having Cally staying here, and Buster is perfect (except when he chews on Cally's shoes), but " I need more space to work! I have to follow up about that studio, I really do. Only it's been so busy and there's been so much else going on. Ollie kissed Cally, but if anything else has happened there I haven't heard about it. That's silver, then, for the hope of it.

Because there are the dark threads, too, and darkest is that someone shot Jon in the head, just over two weeks ago now. It's a blessing that he wasn't killed, it truly is, but we were all so very worried about him. Correy spent days with him at the hospital until he woke up, and" it seems like he's lost his memories, some or most of them, anyway. I was up and down between the hospital and Maple Grove for the first days all the time, but' I felt so helpless. There wasn't anything I could do, and all those commissions " well, if I don't finish them I won't be able to afford to eat, so much is tied up in materials and deposits and everything else.

And I've been hiding from it, from that darkness of someone who would want to hurt my cousin, from the hurt and anger and despair that's so strong around Correy and everybody else, too. It's not something I'm proud of, but' I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay " I'm not as strong as Caro or Kaylee or the others. So I've been using work as an excuse and hiding in it, here. So that's a strand of yellow into the gold and silver, dark brown and grey already there in my imaginary fabric. This weekend, I think, I'll try to unweave that thread with a visit to Jon.

I suppose if I were going to weave this I'd have to put in my framing threads too. Two bands running parallel on either side of the cloth. Connor is one, and he's " exciting" I don't know if that's the right word. He presses me beyond comfort, beyond what I've known and done before. I was so excited after the last night of Fashion Week, when he surprised me with flowers " I kissed him. We went to play pool and I hadn't done that before, either. Who knew I'd be good at it' But he scares me, too. He's so intense sometimes, just the way he looks at me when he doesn't know I'm looking, and then there's what he does. The bare-fist boxing. Something happened at one of his matches; he didn't tell me what but it upset him, and he was horribly cut and bruised. His band, his threads are red and orange, then, bruising blue and pale green.

On the other side of the fabric, though' Icarus. It's strange, really, because I met Connor when he saved me from being attacked. I met " wrong word " I encountered Icarus for the first time when he attacked me. I met him when he came into my own bedroom in the middle of the night to feed from me again. But I feel safer with Icarus than Connor, now. He does still drink from me, when he needs to or wants it " but it's a gift I give now, instead of something he takes. That' it changes things. And he's been here. Stable, and someone I can rely on. Which seems even odder now that I write it, but it's true nonetheless. After I found out about Jon, took "Lena to the hospital and spent the day making sure everybody I could find knew about it' I was exhausted. Beyond exhausted, and so very troubled. He was there for me then. He visits, even during the day when I know that's hard for him. He listens while I chatter away if I'm working on dyeing or simple things around the house " and when I get lost in designing or my weaving, he's just " there, and quiet. It's not that he comes every day, of course, but he's there. His colors, then. Violet, of course, and black again for the ink he wears and the darkness he holds deep inside " but he has the red, too, and another strand of gold.

Inside the frame. Cally's been on her vacation " I went for a little while, at the beginning of the month, a week or so. I came back early and she stayed on. She should be back soon. Tropical blue-green for her, and white for the sandy beaches, pink for the color of the drinks she likes so much there. Elias " Spooky, but he's never that to me " he's deep grey and steady, reliable. Uncle Hubert is brown for his tweed and amber for his scotch (he thinks we don't know how much he drinks, but I love him anyway). Gigi's the green of growing things and spiny thorns, living every moment with nothing to lose. I envy her, some. She's brave in a way I'm not. Caro's the anchor, the warp thread through it all that most people never see - but everything unravels without that. Kaylee is hot pink and deep midnight blue, Correy gets more red for his passion and warm orange for his compassion. Ollie " he's every color there is, a rainbow that he hides away so nobody can see his brilliance. I wish he'd show that to the world. Papa. More yellow for my fear of him " he's more aggressive again, now that things are going so wrong for him in the business. I wish I could give him gold and silver, but " I can't, not anymore. So many others, I could go on forever just picking out their colors.

There's one more set of threads, as well, that belongs in this mixed-up jumble " I could never weave all of this on my loom, it would be horrible to look at " and this set is no prettier. Yellow again, for fear, and uneasy pale green. This" it doesn't surface often, not more than once in every day or two, but it does come up randomly, out of nowhere. The crawling feeling on the back of my neck that someone's watching. Sometimes it's in the Market, or on the street. Sometimes it's when I'm in my yard or walking Buster through the neighborhood. Once or twice I've felt it even in my bedroom ? but always, when I look, there's nobody there.

I'm sure it's just my imagination, running wild after what happened to Jon. That must be it, must be all.