Topic: A Little Bit of Freelance: It's Beltane, Asshat

Darien Fenner

Date: 2012-05-05 23:07 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Freelance Journalist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

It's Beltane, Asshat: Friday Night Coverage! May 5, 2012

In the immortal words of Aimee Malone: It's Beltane, Asshat. Who doesn't come out for this"

Yeah, like I'd miss Beltane. Me. The lover of Beltane and all things Beltaney. No sir, I'm melt-ane for Beltane, and made the trip all the way from some remote tropical island on Earth to witness this unforgettable night. Didn't see me there" Well clearly you either suck at people watching or you were too preoccupied with your baby-making talk to notice. But you know what? I won't let it get to me. I look so amazingly tan and ripped after the last four months in Fiji you probably didn't even recognize me. But just remember for next time: That hot piece of man over there" That's me.

Ho-yeah, I made it. I loved it. Therefore, I must write about it. This little blurb of mine, would you believe it, is being published all the way from our temporary office in LA on Earth. Technology! And guess what? Even though the Post still isn't back in business, we have actually managed to have our mail rerouted to Earth. So love us" Miss us" (And by us, I mean me.) Write us!

I miss RhyDin! Or more specifically, I miss writing about your hideous secrets and airing your dirty laundry. So let's get to that, shall we"

Gah-rowl. Aimee is looking rather fine as a blonde these days. It looks like getting her hair dyed for 21Twelve's latest project was one heck of a brilliant ploy on Rivka's end. All that's left is sending her straight over to a plastic surgeon at Riverview and she'll fit right in with the bimbos. I've gotta give credit to her guy, Randy, though. Either he hasn't noticed that anything is different, or he's playing off her makeover very cool, which is aces in the cool guy handbook. Very smooth, man. That's a dangerous game to play, though, because if you exercise that maneuver too often, next thing you know she'll stop shaving. Godspeed in that endeavor, Randy. Godspeed.

LOOOOOCKE! We never see Locke anymore! It was awesome to see him, but I do have a bit of a bone to pick. The dashing, dastardly debonair dude of dudedom reportedly showed up with (big surprise) Katarina " who looked fabulous in bright colors and, what else, ballet flats " and seemed to be having a grand old time until he caught a glimpse of Beltane Queenie Eless" Whereupon he just so happened to drop Katarina like a hot potato when Eless so much as batted her eyelashes at him. Wow. Where did that come from' I get that he's been cooped up from somewhere and may have a serious case of blue rhymes-with-smalls (get it' Because he's blue), but that was a little rude. Not that I blame him. Eless is one smokin" babe, and adding all those gems and jewels and roses is like fanning the flames of flowery hotness. Smell that smoke" It sure ain't the bonfires. But it may very well be my burning loins.

Yeah, yeah. Keep your STD jokes to yourselves, perverts.

Speaking of Eless " who is the best choice for Queenie, by the way " I just have to ask: What is Luke on lately' OK. Am I the only one who thinks it was a weird thing of him to do to ask Kalamere to be a groomsman at his and Eless" wedding" Yes, yes, I know the rumor is Kalamere and Yeardley have a thing going on, but really' Hey buddy, I know you used to flirt shamelessly with my fianc"e right here, and at multiple points probably envisioned her naked, but you should totally be a part of our wedding anyway. Oh, and while I'm at it, I think I'll throw in a few bondage jokes about the two of us just to make you uncomfortable. I know Kalamere is a stand-up guy who isn't going to let something like that bother him, but really, am I really the only one here who thinks that's strange"

I love how the abject absence of booze always spotlights RhyDin's biggest boozehounds (coughYEARDLEYcoughcough). My buddies and I had a drinking game of our own that night, you see: Take a shot every time you see someone whip a flask out of their pocket. By the end of the night I couldn't tell where my feet were and why I was suddenly holding onto Ed Batten's wallet. Which reminds me; I honestly don't get how something that spends all day being nestled up to a billionaire's buttcheeks can still reek of roses and manliness, but then you never know what kind of new stuff this guy is investing in. It could easily be butt deodorant. Real estate" Please. Oh. By the way, I'm keeping the money clip.

Aaaaand the In-And-Out Award this time goes to: AMTHY! Amthy, the bubbling bundle of brightness was spotted, but not for long. Amthy being Amthy, she was all swirly and giggles and kisses, and then was gone forever, not unlike a certain SCOT we used to think we knew (YOU NEVER WRITE ANYMORE). Her quick disappearance was actually rather surprising, seeing as the vibe the Glen and Beltane give off would ideally be right up her ally. Maybe she was preoccupied doing other swirly giggly things. We'll catch up with her next time!

Man. Women in RhyDin don't waste time, do they' I don't know who the guy was that Joey showed up with, but I only think I've seen him making a rare appearance every few months or so, and never for long. The way things looked, though, those two were quite cozy and left not long after they arrived. I'm not going to say that women need to be oppressed or anything, but they need something that occupies their time besides romance around here. Form a union or something, I don't know. But they need to realize that life is not one big romance novel. Or Playboy magazine. What' I read them for the articles.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2012-05-05 23:11 EST
Just gotta say' loooooved seeing Johnny and Liv out and about. It seems like all Olivia is doing these days is work work work, and when you finally take a moment to put her with a riot like Johnny hilarious and unpredictable things happen. Now, Olivia on her own" Ehhhh' Regardless, we're glad Johnny was there. We didn't hear much of their conversation, but apparently Johnny was going on and on about his marshmallows getting hot or something. Is that some kind of innuendo' Because if so, dude, seriously, you need to work on your bedroom slang.

I didn't see it myself, but I hear Vex was making the rounds in human form and chattering on about being unused to big crowds. Seriously' I guess she just doesn't like them when they aren't shrieking and fleeing in abject terror. I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no; I'm never going to lay off that stereotype. Aja, meanwhile, was spotted in her company and looking a little more like a lady than usual. Say what you want about the broad, but clearly Koy must be dressing her behind the scenes or something. Dayum. Apparently some guy named Drake thought so too, and was making small talk with her. Clearly this guy doesn't realize that this woman collects fianc's like Amway products. Run, man, RUN! Run while you're still single!

That reminds me, though. Does anyone need some Amway products"

I am really digging this dynamic that Rekah and Jasper have. After all, they make a lot more sense than she and Cass ever did. They're two peas from the same pod, actually, and while I think that's great for them I have half a mind some days to slip some Valium into a can of frosting and just let them have at it. I have a feeling after a while they could easily turn into the chill hippie type who try to make ice cream out of wheatgrass. Anyway, they seem to be doing juuuust dandy, and were all over each other during the night's festivities. Rekah is into PDA" Go figure. I don't even want to think about what kind of other kinky stuff that girl is into. Or maybe I do.

Who'da thunk it' Thorn actually appears to be timid around large crowds. My sources tell me that while she was being her amiable, quirky self, the woman was glued to Rick's side practically the whole night. Knowing Rick the forward sincerity and helpfulness could easily have been a ploy to passively grope her, but hey, he's the type of guy who can get away with that kind of thing. I never would have guessed it, though. Thorn always struck me as the strong personality type, but maybe the festivity of Beltane is just unfamiliar territory. Then again, maybe she just forgot to put on underwear that morning.

Bwuh' While I was drinking my weight in mojitos, did Vera somehow miraculously squeeze out a few, uh, full-grown kids" You're welcome for that disturbing image, by the way. If she's had them all along, then kudos for still looking like a rockin" babe. She really does look good, and I hear she was keeping an eye out for those kiddos like some kind of hot mother bear (you're welcome for that image too) the entire time, managing to confuse the heck out of my initial impression of her. Is she a crazy, lovable, virus-like woman who just likes to have fun, or is she one of those people who brings their kids to events that are often populated by drunken naked people" YOU CAN"T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, VERA.

You can't have Beltane without a WTF moment. WTF was going on with that "Nalar," and why was he giving our Fio a hard time" Apparently my sources overheard him asking her repeatedly why she was at Beltane alone. Uh, what? Oh, you want to know why I'm here by myself" You are hideously ugly. Can I ask why that is" Now, while I'm sure the whole thing can be added up to some kind of innocent social incongruity between species, that couldn't have been easy for Fio given her fresh circumstances. And for future reference? She is the governor of the bloody city. She can walk around naked flinging chocolate pudding for all she wants.

That image you are honestly welcome for.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2012-05-05 23:14 EST
Speaking of people who show up alone - I hear the ridiculously unlikable Rachael was spotted being sketched by the ridiculously likable Renfield. While I find it a little sad that we had a Renfield but no Ray, it was still very nice to see him nonetheless. Believe it or not their conversation was actually kind of heartwarming, which would be something if Rachael were actually capable of human emotion. The discussion of marriage came up, and Renfield mentioned having to continuously postpone his because things "kept coming up." They invented drive-through wedding chapels for a reason, man. Rachael meanwhile leapt on the opportunity to tout her new engagement with Roderick and wave her stupidly expensive ring around. What' Rachael Wynter monopolizing a conversation to talk about herself" SHOCKING.

How do I put this" I like Eregor. I like Rhiannon. I do not like Eregor and Rhiannon. They are both young and vibrant, and it disturbs me immensely that they are already behaving like an aged married couple. Something tells me that these two get their kicks by playing Scrabble together on a Sunday afternoon. And you know what? That's great for some people. But I feel that Rhiannon is far too old-fashioned for Eregor and is slowly but surely sucking the life out of him. And I'll probably get impaled by one of her kin for saying this, but' Get out, man. Get out now.

What is it with minotaurs being automatically likable" Horam was the rudest, most unlikable creature ever and yet he was still incredibly popular. It's no exception when it comes to Andu. Granted, it probably has something to do with the fact that he seems to generally be very cordial and has launched himself headfirst into RhyDin politics without hardly a grasp on Common (though we hear he's gotten infinitely better at that " kudos), but I'm always going to tally it up to the inevitability that if you get on the guy's wrong side he could probably just sit on you to death. Which reminds me " looking forward to seeing how his future relationships work out.

Family man Ebon is adding to his family! Word is it he and his beautiful wife, once the baby talk came up at Beltane (as it inevitably does), could hardly contain their glee before they shared the news. Not that it surprises me. Ebon makes kid-rearing his life's work or something, which would be fine if he didn't try and sucker other people into it. Seriously, I half expected Lucien to choke on his own tongue when he started hinting at he and Kate getting on with that particular business. It's not a cult, man. And while we think it is simply fabulous that you find such happiness with your family and your children, some of us aren't quite ready for that bear trap.

And on Kate: It seems Judah-I-Promise-I'm-Really-A-Good-Person-No-Really Bishop was also spotted having a shy little chat with her earlier in the evening. No news on what that was all about, but the interaction looked interesting to say the least. Could Judah-I-Promise-I'm-Really-A-Good-Person-No-Really have ulterior motives, or is he seriously trying to make some friends" There are websites for that, I'm sure.

That's all for a while, RhyDin, but rest assured your old Post friends are still working hard to get their butts back in your city. We hope to see you again real soon! Happy Beltane!