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Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane
An Almost Fairy Tale: The Fine Arts Costume Party Review! August 27, 2011
I'll level with you, RhyDin. For a while I considered not taking the information that I received about Mataya's fabulous fine arts festival get together and turning it into an article, based on the events that transpired nearing the end of the party. Primarily this is because all of my sources had left by then, but also because it seemed a little bit inappropriate to make light of a tragedy. Since this is just the gossip column, I'll let you fabulous RhyDinians do your own reading as to what happened that night " but let's just say, it wasn't exactly the best way to wrap up a hopping good time. Regardless, in my ruminations on the subject I came to a conclusion: Finding humor in RhyDin happenings is the only way we'll ever make it out alive. And while there certainly wasn't anything funny about that incident, it seems an awful shame to completely ignore all the good things (and excellent gossip) that filled the evening as well" not to mention all the hard work that was put into the project by none other than the marvelous Mataya DeLuca and countless others that put together demonstrations and booths, all for the sake of a good time and some much needed exposure to some culture. So, I have ultimately decided that it is my right, nay it is my duty to bring attention to what fabulousness there was that Sunday's night was rife with. After all, these moments with friends are the ones we truly remember.
That turned out much more sentimental than I thought. Aren't I considerate" I totally think I've grown up. That being said, let the trash-talking commence.
Apparently nobody is off limits in RhyDin. And when I say nobody, I mean NOBODY. Not even so-months-pregnant nobodies. Not that Piper is a nobody, but some people have got to show some restraint, am I right' I'm told some hot shot tattoo guy my folks have seen around on occasion (and whose name is supposedly Sabin) was seen weaseling his way into Piper's company right about the time her fianc" Oliver showed up. Now, when it comes to picking up women I'm all for taking every opportunity you can get. But seriously, dude. At least wait until she's popped that tike out before you drop the one-liners. You don't want to be the one she comes crying to when her thing with Oliver goes down the tubes. Trust me, you don't want that kind of baby daddy drama.
O.M.G. moment! A certain pair of somebodies who are not nobodies (not that the nobodies mentioned earlier are nobodies, but let's face it, they're not as somebody as these somebodies) may or may not have gone and had an impromptu marriage right smack in the middle of the festival. And because I'm tired of speaking so vaguely, I'll just out and say that it was Gwen (who is quite possibly the whitest Jasmine I've ever seen) and David. What is so O.M.G." Probably the fact that for a while it seems the mischievous Minx has been postponing the special day and just about choked on her own oxygen when her man went and asked Rhiannon to arrange the thing that night. Truthfully from a bystander's point of view it looked more like poor Gwen was being tricked into the whole deal, but not much you can do about it now. Unless, you know, she stabs him or something (which wouldn't surprise me). All commitment issues aside, it had to happen at some point, right Gwen" And a spur of the moment thing makes a great story to tell the kids. Which you'll have. Very soon. Lots of them. And then the two of you will probably get a house in the suburbs and your days will consist of dull sex that only fits into Family Feud commercial breaks.
Have a happy life together!
Helena Granger, where have YOU been my whole life" A little way into the evening, brother Jon was seen introducing her around and seeming embarrassed about his sister's delectable taste in costumes. Really' You're in SHOWBIZ, and you can't handle a little skin" I get the big brother protective thing, but these things happen when your sister is an absolute hottie. Besides, getting gussied up for a costume party is usually a only once-in-a-while thing, and it's nothing to worry about. Now, when she dresses like that every day" well, by all means give her my phone number.
NEW PEOPLE WATCH! Actually she's definitely not new, but Julianna seemed like a new woman strutting around fiercely in a macabre version of Red and putting on one sexy display with Raye as part of the festival's demonstrations. Afterward, my sources tell me she caught up a bit with Mataya, who for all her spectacular work with the festival and Shanachie came off a liiiiiittle bit preachy. Yes, yes, you have wonderful accomplishments under your belt dear. But you don't hear me introducing myself as Emmet Bane, award-winning gossip columnist and three-time hot dog eating champion who once went on a date with Scarlett Johansson.
Oh wait. I totally do that.
Anyway. By the sound of things Mataya may or may not have been attempting to recruit Little Miss Red " presumably to add her to her list of accomplishments " but Julianna would have nothing of it, making up for the palpable ego in the Glen with a little humility. Bashful or not, though, I for one sense something big and bad in this little red morsel.
While we're talking about Mataya, exactly who was that little thing that Max brought in a bit later" Sure, she certainly was one heck of a cutie but no way those two have something that old already. Unless, that is, Max has got some kind of super sperm " and hey, this is RhyDin, so anything is possible.
And not that I don't love that kind of image (which, I fear, will now be ingrained into my memory forever), I'll go ahead and move on.
As for our W.T.F. moment: When did Ed stop being a fun playboy' At the party (prior to the incident, that is) he was reportedly doing nothing but being a bump on a log and occasionally having words with people. If you ask me, he's completely lost his mojo. I get that he's all wrapped up in work and stuff at the moment, but part of being rich is knowing when to have fun. Kicking back with a beer (or whatever it is that guy is drinking now. Cosmos, probably.) is reserved for nights on your BarcaLounger. Seriously. Make out with someone random or SOMETHING. You're killing my social buzz these days. Seize the moment. Sow your wild oats and such.
Aaaaaaand the sperm image is back. Somebody get me a trifold of Gigi or Kalinda, STAT!
Oh god. TELL me Darcy is not into the whole anthro thing. Or at the very least, tell me the guy she spent the night with was only rocking out one heck of a Cheshire costume. Darcy is too gloriously hot for someone like that. Not that I have anything against dating those cat things, but something just rubs me the wrong way about playing tonsil hockey with the same tongue that is used to clean someone's nether regions. Because mmmmmm-mm. There is nothing sexier than a woman hacking up a furball in the heat of the moment. I'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it. Not.
Why do I feel like I've spent this whole issue talking about women" Probably because I have. Which is ironic, considering I've unfortunately spent nearly the entire time thinking about sperm.
Well, RhyDin, as you know some other things went down after all these sightings transpired, but fortunately by then all my sources were conveniently absent. Timing is everything, right' But at this point, I suppose we're all trained to leave a party in a timely manner when a hush forms over a crowd.
Whatever the case may be, that's all we have for this week. So stay safe, stay strong, stay sexy, and never forget to stay sassy!
An Almost Fairy Tale: The Fine Arts Costume Party Review! August 27, 2011
I'll level with you, RhyDin. For a while I considered not taking the information that I received about Mataya's fabulous fine arts festival get together and turning it into an article, based on the events that transpired nearing the end of the party. Primarily this is because all of my sources had left by then, but also because it seemed a little bit inappropriate to make light of a tragedy. Since this is just the gossip column, I'll let you fabulous RhyDinians do your own reading as to what happened that night " but let's just say, it wasn't exactly the best way to wrap up a hopping good time. Regardless, in my ruminations on the subject I came to a conclusion: Finding humor in RhyDin happenings is the only way we'll ever make it out alive. And while there certainly wasn't anything funny about that incident, it seems an awful shame to completely ignore all the good things (and excellent gossip) that filled the evening as well" not to mention all the hard work that was put into the project by none other than the marvelous Mataya DeLuca and countless others that put together demonstrations and booths, all for the sake of a good time and some much needed exposure to some culture. So, I have ultimately decided that it is my right, nay it is my duty to bring attention to what fabulousness there was that Sunday's night was rife with. After all, these moments with friends are the ones we truly remember.
That turned out much more sentimental than I thought. Aren't I considerate" I totally think I've grown up. That being said, let the trash-talking commence.
Apparently nobody is off limits in RhyDin. And when I say nobody, I mean NOBODY. Not even so-months-pregnant nobodies. Not that Piper is a nobody, but some people have got to show some restraint, am I right' I'm told some hot shot tattoo guy my folks have seen around on occasion (and whose name is supposedly Sabin) was seen weaseling his way into Piper's company right about the time her fianc" Oliver showed up. Now, when it comes to picking up women I'm all for taking every opportunity you can get. But seriously, dude. At least wait until she's popped that tike out before you drop the one-liners. You don't want to be the one she comes crying to when her thing with Oliver goes down the tubes. Trust me, you don't want that kind of baby daddy drama.
O.M.G. moment! A certain pair of somebodies who are not nobodies (not that the nobodies mentioned earlier are nobodies, but let's face it, they're not as somebody as these somebodies) may or may not have gone and had an impromptu marriage right smack in the middle of the festival. And because I'm tired of speaking so vaguely, I'll just out and say that it was Gwen (who is quite possibly the whitest Jasmine I've ever seen) and David. What is so O.M.G." Probably the fact that for a while it seems the mischievous Minx has been postponing the special day and just about choked on her own oxygen when her man went and asked Rhiannon to arrange the thing that night. Truthfully from a bystander's point of view it looked more like poor Gwen was being tricked into the whole deal, but not much you can do about it now. Unless, you know, she stabs him or something (which wouldn't surprise me). All commitment issues aside, it had to happen at some point, right Gwen" And a spur of the moment thing makes a great story to tell the kids. Which you'll have. Very soon. Lots of them. And then the two of you will probably get a house in the suburbs and your days will consist of dull sex that only fits into Family Feud commercial breaks.
Have a happy life together!
Helena Granger, where have YOU been my whole life" A little way into the evening, brother Jon was seen introducing her around and seeming embarrassed about his sister's delectable taste in costumes. Really' You're in SHOWBIZ, and you can't handle a little skin" I get the big brother protective thing, but these things happen when your sister is an absolute hottie. Besides, getting gussied up for a costume party is usually a only once-in-a-while thing, and it's nothing to worry about. Now, when she dresses like that every day" well, by all means give her my phone number.
NEW PEOPLE WATCH! Actually she's definitely not new, but Julianna seemed like a new woman strutting around fiercely in a macabre version of Red and putting on one sexy display with Raye as part of the festival's demonstrations. Afterward, my sources tell me she caught up a bit with Mataya, who for all her spectacular work with the festival and Shanachie came off a liiiiiittle bit preachy. Yes, yes, you have wonderful accomplishments under your belt dear. But you don't hear me introducing myself as Emmet Bane, award-winning gossip columnist and three-time hot dog eating champion who once went on a date with Scarlett Johansson.
Oh wait. I totally do that.
Anyway. By the sound of things Mataya may or may not have been attempting to recruit Little Miss Red " presumably to add her to her list of accomplishments " but Julianna would have nothing of it, making up for the palpable ego in the Glen with a little humility. Bashful or not, though, I for one sense something big and bad in this little red morsel.
While we're talking about Mataya, exactly who was that little thing that Max brought in a bit later" Sure, she certainly was one heck of a cutie but no way those two have something that old already. Unless, that is, Max has got some kind of super sperm " and hey, this is RhyDin, so anything is possible.
And not that I don't love that kind of image (which, I fear, will now be ingrained into my memory forever), I'll go ahead and move on.
As for our W.T.F. moment: When did Ed stop being a fun playboy' At the party (prior to the incident, that is) he was reportedly doing nothing but being a bump on a log and occasionally having words with people. If you ask me, he's completely lost his mojo. I get that he's all wrapped up in work and stuff at the moment, but part of being rich is knowing when to have fun. Kicking back with a beer (or whatever it is that guy is drinking now. Cosmos, probably.) is reserved for nights on your BarcaLounger. Seriously. Make out with someone random or SOMETHING. You're killing my social buzz these days. Seize the moment. Sow your wild oats and such.
Aaaaaaand the sperm image is back. Somebody get me a trifold of Gigi or Kalinda, STAT!
Oh god. TELL me Darcy is not into the whole anthro thing. Or at the very least, tell me the guy she spent the night with was only rocking out one heck of a Cheshire costume. Darcy is too gloriously hot for someone like that. Not that I have anything against dating those cat things, but something just rubs me the wrong way about playing tonsil hockey with the same tongue that is used to clean someone's nether regions. Because mmmmmm-mm. There is nothing sexier than a woman hacking up a furball in the heat of the moment. I'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it. Not.
Why do I feel like I've spent this whole issue talking about women" Probably because I have. Which is ironic, considering I've unfortunately spent nearly the entire time thinking about sperm.
Well, RhyDin, as you know some other things went down after all these sightings transpired, but fortunately by then all my sources were conveniently absent. Timing is everything, right' But at this point, I suppose we're all trained to leave a party in a timely manner when a hush forms over a crowd.
Whatever the case may be, that's all we have for this week. So stay safe, stay strong, stay sexy, and never forget to stay sassy!