- The RhyDin Post's black and gold logo flashes with an epic, orchestrated introduction theme. The logo spirals off the screen, and displays a high-tech news studio with flat screen television sets, and a massive, glossy black desk. Two men sit behind the desk. To the left (Peter Pham) is in his early thirties, of Asian ethnicity, has gelled black hair, and is in a khaki suit. To the right (Chris Reed) is a monstrous cardboard box fort. There is a tiny window in the center of the fort surrounding the man, where we can see he is nearly unrecognizable in shades and a baseball cap. Peter Pham smiles warily at the camera. -

Peter: How's it going, RhyDin" I'm Peter Pham, sports columnist.

Chris: And I'm' er" Riss" Creed" And have" uh' no relation to your former sports anchor whatsoever.

Peter: Tonight, we've decided to take a break from our continuing coverage of the Duel of Swords Madness to bring you a rather hyped-up matched between"

- Peter becomes distracted as shifting occurs within the cardboard box fort. A pink and neon green nerf dart gun appears through the window, aimed away from the camera. -

Peter: Uhhh' Chr" oh. Riss" What exactly are you doing"

Chris: Shhh. I'm incognito.

Peter: Right. And the pink dart gun is for?"

Chris: It's not pink. It's salmon. And it's to protect me.

Peter: Protect you? From what, pollen particles"

Chris: No! From certain people who take things I say a little too seriously.

Peter: Really' You sounded pretty sincere.

Chris: You want me to dart you? Don't go there. I'll dart you three ways from Sunday.

Peter: - Monotone. - Oh no. Not that. I am simply terrified. Please. - Just as monotone. - Please, please spare me.

Chris: I'll kill you! I'll kill you DEAD! - The nerf gun trigger is squeezed. The foam dart fires, but does not have enough air pressure behind it to propel it all the way to Peter. It drops halfway across the desk. - Blast! Weapon malfunction!

Peter: Right. Well while my co-anchor is dealing with his" weapon' malfunction. Let's have a look at the final match of the challenge fight for Battlefield Park between Harris D"Artainian and Baron Anubis Karos. Now, this fight got a heck of a lot of publicity; personally I'd like to see that kind of thing happen with more Baronial challenges. Don't you agree" er" Riss" Uh' Riss"

Chris: - Frustrated, tossing the nerf gun aside. - This weapon is useless! This calls for extreme measures. Any kitten-killers within four feet of my impenetrable defense shall get tased! - A taser gun appears through the hole in the box fort. -

Peter: You are going to hurt someone with that thing! Who in their right might sold you a Taser"!

Chris: - Plotting laughter. - Approach me if you dare!

- Roll footage, Round 1. TH/FCP. 1-0 D"Artainian. -

D"Artainian: He's expecting Anubis to take an aggressive stance, especially after securing victory in the first match, but he's not defenseless down there on his back, lifting his feet straight up to halt the man's forward progress and stall his attack before pushing him away and springing up to roll forward and slash the knife across his shins.

Karos: And the Egyptian Master simply retracted his swordarm, tumescent limb serving as a piston as it sent that poiniard careening for the same gory wound that it had just ruptured. The Warlord's legs managed to arrest his descent and send him staggering towards the taut cables aligning the ring, the Toothpick creasing his shin for the finale.

Peter: What the" what is that thing D"Artainian is holding" Zoom in on that, Andrew.

- Close-up on Harris's choice of weapon, a Civil War Confederate Arkansas Toothpick. -

Peter: Well. That's certainly an interesting choice against Karos's weapons.

- Zoom-in on the ornate, serrated pair of daggers Anubis holds. -

Peter: Wait' is that' are they strapped together" And their weapons are attached to their hands!

Chris: What"! I can't see anything!

Peter: Well then. You'll just have to come out of there, won't you?

Chris: I can't! She'll find me!

Peter: That's a shame. Because there's a looooot of bloodshed"

Chris: Gah! Fine! - The destruction of the cardboard fort is heard. - What' That's not bloody! You lied to me!

Peter: It's not, but you have to admit, it's extremely interesting.

Chris: Way cool there, Pete! I find it even more interesting because the Arkanasas Toothpick is notoriously a throwing dagger. I guess D"Artainian is just going to have to make up for it by thrusting and slashing!

- End footage Round 1. Roll footage, Round 2. HC/FDU 2-0 D"Artainian. -

D"Artainian: He doesn't get up, he simply continues to skitter across the sand in a seemingly inexorable advance, flashing the knife from left to right again in a crisp line, wounding the Egyptian yet again by opening a horizontal gash across his thigh.

Karos: Ferrous obelisk induced a whooshing sibilance as it lacerated the stale air, almond sockets collapsing into apained wince at the strike.

Chris: Oh hell. That's a gorgeous pair of blades the Egyptian's got. It's an awful shame he's spent the last two rounds showing them off!

Peter: I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak for D"Artainian, here. He's taking full advantage of every one of Karos's openings. It seems like the Egyptian's first attack put him, Karos, off-balance. So D"Artainian is going in right under his sword arm and getting him on the thigh.

Chris: Lucky those things heal quickly, Pete. That looks like it smarts!

- End footage Round 2. Roll footage, Round 3. FLP/FSS 3-0 D"Artainian. -

D"Artainian: He's surprisingly spry and incredibly active after the bitter defeat of the match, but stamina has never been an issue for him as he flexes a bicep and gives the strap a forceful jerk in an effort to throw the slaver off balance. Once he assumes that static defensive posture, moving in the opposite direction, he pulls to cut a nasty gash across the expanse of his chest.

Karos: Flaccid armature snapped into a rigid, slanting position as twinned daggers veiled his visage with a blur of limned steel laced with vermillion, the parry aborted as the strap pulled him inwards. Coppery pectorals were vandalized by a wayward strike.

Peter: Careful, careful, Karos. He's certainly not low anymore.

Chris: I have a theory as to why D"Artainian is so spry.

Peter: By all means. Enlighten us.

Chris: Well, he's got all that fabulous blue hair, right' You know how on airplanes, they have ailerons and flaps to stabilize flight and make it seamless?"

Peter: And here I thought you were going to say something unique and profound.

Chris: Hey! It's a legitimate hypothesis! I think I'll write a paper on it.

Peter: Yeah. You do that. Chr" er" Yeah.

- End footage Round 3. Roll footage, Round 4. HC/FCP 3-1. -

Karos: A serrated dagger lashed downwards before retracting with a feint, a leather flat which was increasingly saturated with saline beads of perspiration drawing towards Anubis's person at the feint. An opposing fist angled to the side before slicing inwards, augmented by the gilded hilt within his palm as he attempted a punch to the temple.

Chris: BOOM! And Karos is on the board.

Peter: Can you point that taser away from me, please" It's making me uncomfortable.

Chris: I'll bet you don't feel as uncomfortable as D"Artainian is feeling here! I swear. Much as Karos rocks the swords venues, I'd honestly like to see him throw down in fists with the diamond.

Peter: Wouldn't we all"

- End footage Round 4. Roll footage, Round 5. FLP/TH. 3-2 D"Artainian. -

D"Artainian: The feint fools him easily and he expends his energy attempting to defend by setting his feet and twisting the knife in hand low, which is when he's struck and staggered, the blow causing his eyes to glaze over momentarily, long enough in fact that when he attempts to retaliate the man across from him is well prepared for it. He's off balance and he's expended a lot of energy in a short time, making him an easy victim of that jerking motion and he's down yet again,

Karos: The command had received no visceral accomplice; ergo, Anubis was perfectly prepared for the retaliation which darted for his chest' dull ricassos embraced to forge a shark's maw from the crisscrossed daggers, latching onto the Toothpick. A jerk was meant to send Harris tumbling.

Peter: What a way to lure D"Artainian into a trap, huh' Can we have another look at that, please"

- Slow-motion action replay of Anubis's parry and the blade-on-blade grip of Harris's weapon. A white arrow follows the path of Harris's fall. -

Peter: Here we see Karos taking full advantage of the shape of his weapons. While a serrated edge can in some cases turn out unwieldy, they not only generate very gruesome injuries, but when paired, they act as a pair of teeth. What's worse, is Karos has the strength to keep it closed. Like a big bear trap of sorts.

Chris: Hey' did you hear something"

Peter: I hear a lot of things.

Chris: Somebody's coming. I heard something.

Peter: You're in a busy television studio. Lots of people come and go. Hey! Get that taser out of my face!

Chris: You're telling me they don't have a sign-in sheet or something"! What kind of security do we have here"! Oh god" Oh god, I'm not safe here! I knew I shouldn't have come out of my fort!

- End footage Round 5. Roll footage, Round 6. HC/SH 3 All. -

Karos: A furrow was incised into a lagoon of teal and umber which was increasingly laced with crimson swathes, the Baron darting forward with the cruel velocity of a viper darting from the amber sheathes of grain in a granary. A dagger was aimed to crease the collarbone.

D"Artainian: He's extremely sluggish at this point and he's not playing possum when he's slow to rise, making a feeble attempt to defend himself as one of the slaver's daggers cleaves his flesh, causing his features to contort in agony.

Peter: Yikes! It looks like D"Artainian is feeling the drain from the last match! Karos is keeping him on his toes, and he is not liking it!

Chris: Huh' Oh yeah. Oh, wow! Yeah, that looks like it had to hurt!

Peter: Some commentary there, Ch' Some commentary. " What are you doing with that bottle of water"

Chris: Water conducts electricity, Pete. I'm going to pour it all around the desk, and fry anyone who comes within four feet of me!

Peter: I really don't think that's a good idea"

Chris: It works in the movies!

Peter: Nice iron-tight logic you've got there. Give me that.

Chris: Hey!

Peter: Watch the fight. That's what we're here for.

Chris: Agh. Fine, but when I get impaled on my swivel chair, I'm coming back to haunt you!

Peter: What do you think D"Artainian is trying to do here" He's bracing for the completely wrong attack.

Chris: Obviously. His line of sight is obscured, Pete. He can't get up quite fast enough. I'd say a stop-hit is about as high as he can raise his arms.

- End footage Round 6. Roll footage, Round 7. FCP/TH 4-3 Karos. -

Karos: Ferrous ricassoes embraced once more as the Toothpick was rapidly pinioned to the sands, the strap obliging his athletically inclined physique to tilt downwards. Likely, it would do the same for Harris...positioning him for Anubis's abrupt rise, the sinuous knoll of a shoulder aiming to strike to cleft gradient of a chin.

D"Artainian: He attempts to power through his obvious fatigue and slow healing injuries by simply pushing forward, but in the space between blinks he finds the point of his knife in the sand and he's pulled downward into the slaver's shoulder, causing his head to snap back violently and a tooth to go flying out into the crowd, and as you may have guessed he's down again.

Chris: Holy CRAP! No mercy, this one! Seriously! Karos needs to have a double career in swords and fists!

Peter: From what I understand, he's more than adequate in both. But pay careful attention to the smooth series of maneuvers Karos employs. The grab, the pull, and the rebound. Like a rubber band, his shoulder gives D"Artainian a nice little kiss on the chin.

Chris: I don't know of any kisses that make you lose a tooth, Pete. Although, maybe if it's a really good one"

Peter: An admirable attempt by D"Artainian, though. He has good aim, but it seems he's just a little fuzzy-headed after the blow from the last round!

- End footage Round 7. Roll footage, Round 8. LC/LC 4-3 Karos. -

D"Artainian: He wants space and he's attempting to demand it from the slaver as he manages to get to his knees before slashing the Arkansas Toothpick outward to ward the man off, only to clash weapons instead, which gives him ample time to regain his footing.

Karos: The bony promontory of a kneecap braced for the abrasive sensation of the sands as it descended downward, voluminous raiment of linen continuing to billow with every fluctuation of the Egyptian's frame despite being fettered by congealing blood. A dagger aimed directly for the throat, only to be caught by a rather opportune Bishop's Parry.

Chris: BORING! I know you're already close to the ground, D"Artainian, but jeeze! At least aim for his gut or something! He saw that coming a mile away!

Peter: I disagree entirely. D"Artainian is taking advantage of his position, and putting some thought into his strategy. Thus far in the match, Karos has kept his aim high. A downside of his stature, I suppose. I rather think low strikes are in D"Artainian's best interest.

Chris: The least he could do is catch him in the thigh, then. WAIT. I heard something!

Peter: Yes. That's the sound of what dignity you have left going down in flames.

- End footage Round 8. Roll footage, Round 9. FSS/SL 5-3 Karos. -

Karos: Pendulous armature was harvested within a palm which was moist with brackish sweat beneath an umber sheath which was beginning to be weighed down by perspiration, the lash sent careening downwards towards Harris's pectoral region. Then, strap was removed, daggers were sheathed...and abruptly, he .

D"Artainian: It should be no surprise to anyone spectating at this point when he goes down again and just lays there, thankful that Anubis has his attention fixed elsewhere after their challenge concludes.

Peter: I have to admit, I'm rather surprised. The Arkansas Toothpick is made for slashing. I wonder if D"Artainian just needs a little bit more practice with this weapon.

Chris: It looks like it. And I feel sorry for whoever Karos is booking it out of the ring for. He looks like he means business.

- Camera returns to the studio, where Chris's fort has been destroyed, and though he is in a navy suit, he is still wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. Subtle. -

Peter: Karos took the win in two, though. Not bad, I must say. Not bad at all.

Chris: Yeah, D"Artainian is having a little bit of a rough patch. But you wait. Any second now, he'll completely surprise us and just like" completely destroy his next opponent.

Peter: I have no doubt. But I suppose that does it for us here at the Post for now, ladies and gentlemen. Next time you see us, we'll be back to covering the Duel of Swords Madness tournament!

Chris: Right. Assuming I'm not' you know. - Runs his finger across his neck. -

Peter: I'm sure you're fine, Chris. For now, we'll say goodnight to you, RhyDin. Thanks for tuning in with us. From everyone here at the Post, I'm Peter Pham.

Chris: OH GOD! You said my name! My cover is blown!

Peter: And he's" uh'

Chris: OH GOD! - Waves the taser around wildly. -

Peter: Right. Well" stay sporty and all that, RhyDin!

- Blackout. Voices still continue. -

Chris: Who are you?! HEY! Get away from me! AH-HA! You're here to kill me, aren't you?! - Sound of a taser going off. Screaming from nearby. -

Peter: CHRIS! For the love of God! That's Bobby the coffee boy!

Chris: Stop saying my name! People will hear you!

Peter: Like they couldn't figure that out to begin with! Now leave poor Bobby alone!

Chris: Please" he's fine. It doesn't even hurt. See" I'll show you. - Bzzt. - AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHAAAAAA!!!

- A loud thud is heard. End tape. -