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Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane
Bikinis, Boobs and Brewskies: This Week in Review! November 20, 2011
Insert excited yet manly exclamation here.
I come back from vacation (which was merely a vacation to recover from my other vacation, which was a tangent of the vacation before that. And still the cheapos in Arcadia won't work with me on a frequent buyers discount. Bah. BAH, I SAY!) and what do I come back to' A bikini contest. What is the proper response here" Should I throw up my hands and cheer or let out a manly grunt' I think I'll do both. WOOO-BRRRUUUUGGH!
....Aaaaand now my co-workers are looking at my like I have brain damage. Well, it wouldn't be the first Post employee to have it.
Anywho. Did you know there is a bikini contest going on' It's in some random place called Adenna that I've never heard of but apparently is very nice this time of year. And since it's being co-hosted by a freelance writer very, VERY loosely associated with this publication, I'm somewhat-kind-of-sort-of-whatever obligated to encourage you ladies to join. What the hell, right' You're all half-naked all the time anyway.
On another note, WINTERFEST! It is here I shall shed my manly, rugged, handsome mannishness of manliness and geek out a bit. Not only are there going to be festivals and booths out the wazoo come December, but we also get to elect a King and Queen"! ZO EM GEE NOT LIKE WE HAVE ENOUGH ROYALTY ALREADY. But seriously, now. I am completely and utterly stoked for these festivities! If you ask me, May is a little too long to wait to nominate someone completely ridiculous and inappropriate and force them to ascend to a stage to receive girlish goodies in abject humiliation. For them, anyway. I flipping love that stuff. Add all that to the fact that Risa Monster is running the show, and you have me completely on board. I may make her job slightly difficult here for a second, though, when I recommend that all my readers nominate the most grossly unsuited people for those spots, just to see who makes the ballot. When was the last time Tick or Horam or that strangely insightful guppy in a goldfish bowl I sometimes see ever won anything" Huh' HUH"! WE CAN"T ALL BE WINNERS HERE.
No, I'm not bitter. I'm just exceptionally not of the other four tastes.
But enough with the details. Let's get to the gossip!
Yeardley, darling, when you take to dragging around strange creatures that have been duct-taped and chained until all they can do is squirm, I think it's time to spend a weekend away from Tara. Apparently on Tuesday Yeardley was spotted hauling Tara's "throan' Inn-ward during Amber's shift and enlisting Harper's assistance to kick the it into the cellar to presumably die from the flesh-eating maggot infestation (or was it acid-spitting butterflies" I forget). If it was a throan, I wonder if those things are in any way related to a sloan. Well, if anyone would know, it would be Tara. But if it wasn't, I feel very, very afraid for the men in Yeardley's life. I mean' she seems awfully good at disposing of dead or dying bodies. And between she and Harper, I'm sure the two can muster enough brains to make it look like an accident.
On the other hand, this Jackie clearly hasn't spent enough time with Tara. If she thinks getting Tara intoxicated is a good idea, then she obviously hasn't seen what even a cup of coffee can do to the C"ckroach Killa. She ought to go on an all-day outing with our favorite red. She'll probably walk home a rope-burn victim, undead, or worse, Mormon.
O.M.G. moment of the week! Speaking of Harper and men" WHAT. Since when have she and Jochin been a thing"! I saw her in October and she was winging it solo with her partner in crime. Does this mean this is a relatively new occurrence" Or has she been so busy distracting others with her insane antics that we've all been deceived by a little misdirection' Is that it' Have I been too preoccupied worrying about the men she is going to taze that I haven't even noticed the ones she's already shocked into submission' And from what I see, that thing they have going on there is positively electric. You all know I've been holding my breath waiting to pry into Jochin's personal life for a long time now, so I demand details! You can't hide forever!
I have been so prompted this week to begin yet another new segment. I present to you? Tara Time! It's like Story Time, except with more violence and sex and death. This week's Tara Time is brought to you by Batten Beer. Batten Beer: Boozing billionaires since 2011. Anyway. The latest adventure of Tara's has me somewhat afraid of garden gnomes nowadays. Apparently our red came into possession of a giant safe that conveniently belonged to a bank in RhyDin she happened to be visiting, when all of a sudden there incurred a bout of gnomish violence the likes of which you have never seen. While much of the detail is obscured, our scientists have hypothesized that our faithful Tara only made off with the safe, narrowly escaping with her life, surely by using it as some kind of shield device. Because, as we all know, gnomes are brutally allergic to combinations (due to the fact that they can only think linearly). What I have to give Tara is props here, though. When she was regaling our seriously sexy-yet-overworked governor Fio of her heroic tale " and the vein began to pop out on Fio's skull " she was oh-so-conveniently holding Fio and Ali's son, Raza, at the same time, and so Fio was forced to curtail her most likely imminent violent intentions. Memo for the future, next time I find myself drunkenly wandering through New Haven and accidentally find myself painting lewd things on artistic sculptures. What can I say' I thought they looked better at the time.
Bikinis, Boobs and Brewskies: This Week in Review! November 20, 2011
Insert excited yet manly exclamation here.
I come back from vacation (which was merely a vacation to recover from my other vacation, which was a tangent of the vacation before that. And still the cheapos in Arcadia won't work with me on a frequent buyers discount. Bah. BAH, I SAY!) and what do I come back to' A bikini contest. What is the proper response here" Should I throw up my hands and cheer or let out a manly grunt' I think I'll do both. WOOO-BRRRUUUUGGH!
....Aaaaand now my co-workers are looking at my like I have brain damage. Well, it wouldn't be the first Post employee to have it.
Anywho. Did you know there is a bikini contest going on' It's in some random place called Adenna that I've never heard of but apparently is very nice this time of year. And since it's being co-hosted by a freelance writer very, VERY loosely associated with this publication, I'm somewhat-kind-of-sort-of-whatever obligated to encourage you ladies to join. What the hell, right' You're all half-naked all the time anyway.
On another note, WINTERFEST! It is here I shall shed my manly, rugged, handsome mannishness of manliness and geek out a bit. Not only are there going to be festivals and booths out the wazoo come December, but we also get to elect a King and Queen"! ZO EM GEE NOT LIKE WE HAVE ENOUGH ROYALTY ALREADY. But seriously, now. I am completely and utterly stoked for these festivities! If you ask me, May is a little too long to wait to nominate someone completely ridiculous and inappropriate and force them to ascend to a stage to receive girlish goodies in abject humiliation. For them, anyway. I flipping love that stuff. Add all that to the fact that Risa Monster is running the show, and you have me completely on board. I may make her job slightly difficult here for a second, though, when I recommend that all my readers nominate the most grossly unsuited people for those spots, just to see who makes the ballot. When was the last time Tick or Horam or that strangely insightful guppy in a goldfish bowl I sometimes see ever won anything" Huh' HUH"! WE CAN"T ALL BE WINNERS HERE.
No, I'm not bitter. I'm just exceptionally not of the other four tastes.
But enough with the details. Let's get to the gossip!
Yeardley, darling, when you take to dragging around strange creatures that have been duct-taped and chained until all they can do is squirm, I think it's time to spend a weekend away from Tara. Apparently on Tuesday Yeardley was spotted hauling Tara's "throan' Inn-ward during Amber's shift and enlisting Harper's assistance to kick the it into the cellar to presumably die from the flesh-eating maggot infestation (or was it acid-spitting butterflies" I forget). If it was a throan, I wonder if those things are in any way related to a sloan. Well, if anyone would know, it would be Tara. But if it wasn't, I feel very, very afraid for the men in Yeardley's life. I mean' she seems awfully good at disposing of dead or dying bodies. And between she and Harper, I'm sure the two can muster enough brains to make it look like an accident.
On the other hand, this Jackie clearly hasn't spent enough time with Tara. If she thinks getting Tara intoxicated is a good idea, then she obviously hasn't seen what even a cup of coffee can do to the C"ckroach Killa. She ought to go on an all-day outing with our favorite red. She'll probably walk home a rope-burn victim, undead, or worse, Mormon.
O.M.G. moment of the week! Speaking of Harper and men" WHAT. Since when have she and Jochin been a thing"! I saw her in October and she was winging it solo with her partner in crime. Does this mean this is a relatively new occurrence" Or has she been so busy distracting others with her insane antics that we've all been deceived by a little misdirection' Is that it' Have I been too preoccupied worrying about the men she is going to taze that I haven't even noticed the ones she's already shocked into submission' And from what I see, that thing they have going on there is positively electric. You all know I've been holding my breath waiting to pry into Jochin's personal life for a long time now, so I demand details! You can't hide forever!
I have been so prompted this week to begin yet another new segment. I present to you? Tara Time! It's like Story Time, except with more violence and sex and death. This week's Tara Time is brought to you by Batten Beer. Batten Beer: Boozing billionaires since 2011. Anyway. The latest adventure of Tara's has me somewhat afraid of garden gnomes nowadays. Apparently our red came into possession of a giant safe that conveniently belonged to a bank in RhyDin she happened to be visiting, when all of a sudden there incurred a bout of gnomish violence the likes of which you have never seen. While much of the detail is obscured, our scientists have hypothesized that our faithful Tara only made off with the safe, narrowly escaping with her life, surely by using it as some kind of shield device. Because, as we all know, gnomes are brutally allergic to combinations (due to the fact that they can only think linearly). What I have to give Tara is props here, though. When she was regaling our seriously sexy-yet-overworked governor Fio of her heroic tale " and the vein began to pop out on Fio's skull " she was oh-so-conveniently holding Fio and Ali's son, Raza, at the same time, and so Fio was forced to curtail her most likely imminent violent intentions. Memo for the future, next time I find myself drunkenly wandering through New Haven and accidentally find myself painting lewd things on artistic sculptures. What can I say' I thought they looked better at the time.