Topic: Breaking News: Medical Reasoning Found for FIMS

Darien Fenner

Date: 2009-12-31 19:53 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Smilingwomanwithcrossedarmsuid11-1.jpg Amelia Enderwood: Satirist

Breaking News: Medical Reasoning Found for FIMS December 31, 2009

A team of scientists at Wess Tend University announced the discovery today of a long-postulated psychological justification for FIMS, or Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome. FIMS, scientifically known as Majorus Ignoramus Fupuckia, is a dangerous community-threatening disease that can lead to offense, irritation, and death.

The new research project was launched following possible evidence exhibited by RhyDin Warlord Guillermus Fortis. Fortis has been reported as arguably disagreeable due to his publicized controversial beliefs on challenge intercessions.

When criticized about his attitude toward intercession following the loss of his challenge to a one Jaycy Ashleana on December 23, Fortis issued the following statement:

"But that makes no sense, my friend....no duelist in their right mind would ever say that. I can't tell you what was running through my mind."

Research leader Dr. Anton Sonyonovich leapt at the opportunity and immediately applied for a ten thousand gold research fund from the university, which was promptly rewarded.

"It has become apparent that more and more RhyDinians are suffering from FIMS since 2007. Fortis seems to have discovered a self-medicated treatment for it; we immediately sought to replicate this and conduct clinical trials based on our scientific observations," Sonyonovich said.

When criticized for the extravagant fees awarded to the project, Dean Ahmed Aggar had the following to say:

"As a victim of FIMS, I can personally attest to the devastating effects and repercussions of the disease. And so I have withdrawn our cancer research grant and devoted our entire medical faculty to this project. We need to find a cure, and fast, before this syndrome becomes uncontrollable."

Scientists are currently testing what Sonyonovich calls the "Negative Treatment' for FIMS. Inspired by duelers, the method involves the complete denial of any outward symptoms of the disorder.

"The N. 1 treatment has actually been somewhat effective in our clinical trials," Sonyonovich said. According to Sonyonovich, a clinical trials patient was instructed to issue provincial and controversial verbal observations to patrons in a public establishment. When confronted, said patient was instructed to deny any knowledge of previously declared observations.

While results of said clinical trials cannot be discussed, Sonyonovich warns of possible side effects ranging from public criticism to black eyes to all-out brawling.

In related news, renowned FIMS patient and former convict Andrew Leyona was arrested for making a public bomb threat against Brett's Magic Emporium. When interrogated, Leyona was reported as having no knowledge of the accusation. Authorities released him and issued the following statement:

"We honestly had no idea the accused was unaware of what he was talking about. We can't possibly in our right minds keep him in custody or hold him accountable if he doesn't know why he's there in the first place.?

Patients suffering from FIMS should seek help immediately before their reputations suffer.

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