- The RhyDin Post's black and gold logo flashes with an epic, orchestrated introduction theme. The logo spirals off the screen, and displays a high-tech news studio with flat screen television sets, and a massive, glossy black desk. Two men sit behind the desk. To the left (Peter Pham) is in his early thirties, of Asian ethnicity, has gelled black hair, and is in a black suit. To the right (Chris Reed) is of Caucasian ethnicity with dark brown hair, is in his late thirties, is wearing a disheveled khaki suit and sunglasses, is relatively unshaven, and has a vertical scar running down one side of his face. Both men, equipped with headsets, smile at the camera. -

Peter: How's it going, RhyDin" I'm Peter Pham, sports columnist!

Chris: And I'm Chris Reed, and I'm never drinking again.

Peter: Welcome to the Post's final coverage of this year's Duel of Swords Madness!

Chris: Pete" think you could do me a favor and just stop talking" Or better yet, stop breathing"

Peter: Forgive my associate, RhyDin. See" this time around, we did something unprecedented and actually got a good look at the footage before we had to commentate on it. Chris did so in the comfort of The Great Helm Tavern with several cases of Badsider in his lap.

Chris: Hey. I don't judge what you do when you're off the clock.

Peter: But you were on the clock! You were supposed to be interviewing spectators while you were there!

Chris: Volume, Pete! Volume! - Groans. Lays his head down. -

Peter: Either way, it was a pretty exciting match, to say the least. Neo "Moisture McStabberson' Eternity made it to the very finals of the Madness, along with the Wrecking Crew's MVP Maria "ManSlugger" Graziano.

Chris: Graziano is my girl, Pete. I'll bet the ManSlugger's bat over McStabberson's katana" thing" any day.

Peter: Katana thing. Is that a technical term"

Chris: I don't know. What's the technical term for my fist in your a-

Peter: - Interrupting. - Anyway! Let's go ahead and get on with the match, shall we" This is one for the books, ladies and gents. Hopefully my colleague's irritability will have lessened by its end.

- Roll footage Round 1. FSS/TH 1-0 Eternity. -

Eternity: He doesn't imagine getting thrusted upon by a bat isn't much less pleasant than a sword, so he very quickly slides around Maria in a quarter-circle and lets her pummel the air instead, then dashes past with a quick counter-cut in retaliation, turning and resetting while still in motion.

Graziano: The temper is what has her drawing the bat level in a smooth, fluid movement and recklessly pushing herself forward. The bat fails to meet its intended mark and her momentum causes her to stumble a step and his counter leaves her a step from losing her balance completely.

Peter: And right off the bat - no pun intended - we have some severe offensive action coming from Graziano's side of the ring.

Chris: I'd expect no less from her, Pete. They don't call her the ManSlugger for nothing.

Peter: Who is this "they?" You call her the ManSlugger.

Chris: Give me a break. I'm hung over.

- End footage Round 1. Roll footage, Round 2. HC/LC 2-1 Eternity. -

Graziano: Instead of going defensive to try to protect herself and her shaky balance, she launches herself into another attack. As soon as her feet are underneath her, she spins the bat through a low blow aimed towards his shins, gritting her teeth when it becomes obvious that she will not be able to miss getting struck in return.

Eternity: He swings Hyperion toward Maria's shoulder, hoping to take a bit of steam out of her bat swings. But just the same, he gets his leg brutalized. He's a tough guy, but Maria can really swing a bat. That's going to make moving unpleasant.

Peter: Heaven above, that looks like it had to hurt something fierce for the both of them. I can't imagine which hurts more - being bludgeoned with a dangerous instrument, or being sliced and diced by a razor-sharp blade. On the one hand, all the bat does is leave bruises, whereas the sword is mostly superficial. But on the other hand, a bat brings with it a slew of internal injuries.

Chris: Either my hangover is worst than I thought, or I'm feeling some sympathy pain for McStabberson there, Pete. I definitely would not want to be on the other end of that bat, let alone within ten feet of Graziano for anything but her autograph.

Peter: I love Graziano's stance here, though. She sees Eternity coming in high, she knows the hit is inevitable, but she completes the tag anyway.

Chris: Absolutely, Pete. That blow to the shins is undoubtedly going to leave her opponent's footing a little unsteady for the next few rounds.

- End footage Round 2. Roll footage, Round 3 and 4. FDU/FSS 2-1 Eternity; TH/SH 2 All. -

Eternity: He aims a quick poke for Maria's midsection, but apparently that was just what she was expecting. He gets caught in the trap.

Graziano: And she sees that opportunity as he moves forward. She extends the momentum that the sidestep had taken her another step and braces for impact, flashing the bat up to stop his attack. The beads on the wooden baseball bat glow brightly to protect it from harm.

Chris: I told you that blow threw McStabberson off his guard.

Peter: That may be, but what I'm more interested in right now is Graziano's weapon. Can we get a closer look at that, Andrew"

- Zoom in on the fine structural and design details of Maria's bat. -

Peter: Now I'm no expert, but does that bat look enchanted to you?

Chris: Wouldn't surprise me. You whack a hunk of wood with something as sharp as McStabberson's katana thingy, and that'll nearly break the thing in half. Got to have some kind of contingency plan in store.

Peter: You know what I wouldn't mind seeing" Graziano putting on some armored gauntlets and using those in terms of defense. That would free up a hand to do her thing and get her opponents in the ribs.

Chris: You're on drugs, Pete. Graziano is all about brute, bludgeoning force. She doesn't need to be concerned with defense. Besides. A baseball bat is a two-handed weapon.

Peter: Right' Hey, Chris" You want some Jack Daniels"

Chris: - Groans. -

- End footage Round 4. Roll footage, Round 5. FLP/TH 3-2 Eternity. -

Eternity: He raises Hyperion to defend the upper half of his body, using the same form that the sportscasters so disapproved of. Well phooey on them, because it works just fine here. As the bat makes contact with the sun blade, he pushes it and the arm holding it away from Maria's body, creating an opening that he promptly capitalizes on with another quick counter-cut.

Graziano: Taking a chance and needing to strike, she levels the bat once more and shoves her body forward. Unfortunately, she gives back the lead she just eliminated.

Chris: AGH! Look. I don't care if McStabberson earned himself a point. He's got the blade up horizontally. That leaves him completely open at the feet!

Peter: He's quick to take advantage of Graziano's opening, though. Looks to me like she needs to do a few more bicep curls. Work on that speed.

Chris: Hey. Don't you bash my ManSlugger. McStabberson is the one with sticky feet. No. Lead feet. I hereby rename him Moisture Leadfoot McStabberson.

Peter: I'm not sure how well that one will go over, Chris. Eternity has been doing a pretty stellar job in terms of his footing this match.

Chris: To your untrained eyes. But if I see him fall back into that form again, I'm going to hunt him down and have some words with him.

- End footage Round 5. Roll footage, Round 6. FCP/LC 4-2 Eternity -

Graziano: It doesn't get any better this round. Her fingers tighten around the bat and she continues her offensive hunt. Rotating her hips through a swing, she aims the bat towards the shin that she struck earlier. This time, however, the attack isn't so lucky.

Eternity: He reverses his defense, pointing the sun blade at the sand, and then twisting it to deflect the incoming bat the same way as before, again capitalizing on the opening this makes, with another quick counter-cut.

Peter: You were saying about Eternity's poor shallow defenses"

Chris: Luck. Complete luck. Moisture is about as consistent as water" which is not at all.

Peter: I don't know. I happen to think water is very consistent, in both appearance and uniformity. Does it seem different to you?

Chris: I wonder how it will seem with this pen in your eye?"

Peter: Not any seemlier than if you happened to accidentally break your wrist attempting to place it there.

Chris: Wow! Violent, violent!

Peter: I was referring to the way you're leaning on your chair, Chris. You better sit up straight, or you'll"-

- A loud crash is heard, followed by a loud oath from Chris. -

Peter: " fall.

- End footage Round 6. Roll footage, Round 7. LP/FSS 4-3 Eternity. -

Eternity: He reverses his defense yet again, only to be outflanked. There's no way he's not going to pay for that.

Graziano: She's had enough of his counter attacks and makes the point to create an opportunity for one of her own. Twisting off to the side to round his defense, she throws in a passing elbow towards Neo's ribs.

Peter: Beautiful perception by Graziano! Her recovery after that last counter was really just astounding, don't you agree, Chris" " Chris" Chris. Wake up.

Chris: - No answer. -

Peter: Chris" wake" UP!

Chris: NO, HARRIS! I DON"T WANT TO LICK YOU! " Huh' Ugggh. My head"

Peter: Beautiful footing by Graziano, don't you agree"

Chris: Yes, yes. The ManSlugger is very beautiful. A double-threat. Sandra" Can I have some coffee, please"

Peter: That's not what I"

Chris: Believe me. I would take her out on a date in an instant if I wasn't certain that she would hand me my man parts on a silver platter.

Peter: How would she possibly accomplish that with a bat"

Chris: Very' very painfully.

- End footage Round 7. Roll footage, Round 8. LC/TH 4 All. -

Eternity: He swings Hyperion for a leg, but it's not fast enough. The end of the bat catches him first, inciting another cringe. Well, he blew that lead. Sudden death. A small smile at Maria as he resets.

Graziano: It's pride that has her leveling the bat once again and shoving herself forward, pushing the fat end of the bat towards his midsection. There's no way she's going to let him out of this duel without landing a thrust. When she too pulls back, there's no sign that she even sees his smile. Her eyes continue to watch him carefully, though, for any opening.

Chris: Oh, wow! Let's watch that one again!

- Slow-motion action replay, paying careful attention to the direction of Maria's thrust. -

Peter: I stand corrected. Graziano is much, much quicker than she seems. Then again, I think catching Eternity in the side the last round may have messed with his form. Watch him as he goes in low. His sword arm is unsteady, see" He had to have sustained a fracture on one of his ribs.

Chris: If that's the case, he needs to take some ward strengthening pills or something.

Peter: Begging your pardon, but weren't you the one complaining about no drug testing in the duels"

Chris: Yeah, well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Peter: That makes no sense.

Chris: Exactly.

- End footage Round 8. Roll footage, Round 9. CP/FSS 4-5 Graziano. -

Graziano: One last time, she draws the bat in tight and twists off the side. Another passing rib to the elbows secures the full point and gives way to a sudden exhale of otherwise hidden nervous energy.

Eternity: He points the sun blade at the sand, hoping to nickle and dime his way ahead. He's too winded to counter-attack. But the Baroness's skill wins out, and he is outflanked and outmatched. He's still smiling as he eats the winning elbow, though. He came this far and didn't get completely owned by her like he usually does.

Chris: What are you trying to parry, McStabberson' Honestly!

Peter: I don't blame him, actually. The way Graziano drew her weapon up, it may as well have been a feint.

Chris: Says you! There's no way she could have brought that bat out before hand, and McStabberson should have seen that.

Peter: She brought her elbow out. That's more than enough.

- Camera returns to the studio, where Chris has lost his sunglasses, and the two are arguing. -

Chris: All I'm saying is McStabberson needs a reality check. For being a so-called Red Jersey, he's certainly not bold enough. If I were in his shoes, I would have taken advantage of her evasiveness and gotten her in the ankle!

Peter: Would have, could have, should have. He was appropriately defensive, as one should be when fighting Graziano.

Chris: Feh. I'd like to see some blood next time, at least.

Peter: Well, RhyDin, that wraps up our Madness 2010, with Maria Graziano coming out on top. Now, unfortunately we weren't able to catch up with her after the match, but we were able to get a few words out of our semifinalist, Neo Eternity.

Roll footage, interview. Location: Arena. -

Eternity: "Um....well, it feels amazing to come this far, to be honest." He rubs the back of his head. "Last year, I got knocked out in the first round. I wasn't so great of a swords duelist. It shows how far I've come. And that anyone can make it that far."

Interviewer: "And what do you think about Maria Graziano as an opponent?"

Eternity: "To be honest, I didn't think I'd do nearly as well as I did against her. She always beats me in regular dueling. I knew she'd be pretty brutal with that bat, so no surprises there. But it was a fun fight. She's a toughie, for sure."

- Camera returns to the studio, where Peter looks pleased and Chris still looks miserable. -

Peter: Well there you have it, RhyDin! The pride and joy of the Tour thinks very highly of the pride and joy of Madness. Let's hope we'll see both of them back here again next year.

Chris: Next year. That means bigger, better parties!

Peter: Like you need that, Chris.

Chris: Don't judge me.

Peter: Anyway! Next time you see us, we'll be back to covering challenges and regular matches! So until next time, I'm Peter Pham!

Chris: Yeah, yeah?

Peter: You stay sporty, RhyDin!

- End tape. -