- The RhyDin Post's black and gold logo flashes with an epic, orchestrated introduction theme. The logo spirals off the screen, and displays a high-tech news studio with flat screen television sets, and a massive, glossy black desk. Two men sit behind the desk. To the left (Peter Pham) is in his early thirties, of Asian ethnicity, has gelled black hair, and is in a pinstripe navy suit. To the right (Chris Reed) is of Caucasian ethnicity with dark brown hair, is in his late thirties, is wearing a khaki suit, and has a vertical scar running down one side of his face. Both men, equipped with headsets, smile at the camera. -

Peter: How's it going, RhyDin" I'm Peter Pham, sports columnist.

Chris: And I'm Chris Reed, and you're not!

Peter: Welcome to the Post's continuing coverage of the Duel of Swords Madness.

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, introductions, blah, blah, let's get this thing OVER with!

Peter: Got somewhere to be, Chris"

Chris: Are you kidding" Shiznat is going down in the Arena tonight! My tailgating party starts in a half hour, then I'm booking it over to the Karos and Deathlord fights!

Peter: You plan to eat during those things"

Chris: Heck yes, I do! Nothing goes with bloodshed like cheese-covered, bacon-wrapped bacon bits.

Peter: Oh I'm sure that's fantastic for you? but how do you know there is going to be bloodshed"

Chris: One can only hope, Pete. I don't know if Deathlord's er" lack of circulation permits bleeding, but maybe he'll lose a limb or two. Oh, I hope there is screaming! Let there be screaming! Wailing! Howling with pain!

Peter: Speaking of screaming" tonight we're pleased to bring you the fight between a one Tasslehofl Momus and Aya Hayashibara.

Chris: - Screams, high-pitched, and ducks behind the desk. -

Peter: - Dully at the camera. - Don't say I didn't warn you.

Chris: She's here"! She's not here, is she"

Peter: No, Chris, she's not in the studio.

Chris: But' but she can get here, can't she"

Peter: RhyDin, please forgive my colleague. He seems to have an irrational fear of a certain duelist whose last name begins with an "h."

Chris: - Getting back into his chair. - You can't honestly blame me, Pete. That' woman' is terrifying!

Peter: You really need to get over that and do your job, Chris.

Chris: Well I can't get over an irrational fear, Pete. That's what makes it irrational!

Peter: Even so, you can't refuse to commentate on Hayashibara. She's definitely one of the more talented fighters the Arena has to offer.

Chris: She's like some" tropical, poisonous bug, Pete. It's all tiny and unintimidating, and you think it's not going to hurt you, and BAM! You're DEAD.

Peter: Your metaphors really need work, Chris.

- Roll footage, Round 1. LC/FLP 1-0 Hayashibara. -

Hayashibara: She begins with a rapid slice beneath the opening defense of the older man, striking successfully before turning to keep him before her.

Momus: He kicked the staff into motion, and it came upward, twisting around, but that didn't help him as that cut came under it.

Chris: Run, man! She's trying to castrate you!

Peter: Uh, Chris....I really don't think....

Chris: That's her mission! She's going to steal every man's masculinity! Then she's going to crush the hopes and dreams of little children!

Peter: Please" just say something about her choice of weapon, or her technique.

Chris: Yes. I suppose you're right. Here, RhyDin, we see Hayashibara's affinity for castrating moves"

Peter: I think what my colleague really means, folks, is that her dip was so quick and efficient Momus couldn't get his defense down in time.

Chris: Which staggers me, because Momus is infamous for his blatantly defensive technique. Protect those jewels, man!

- End footage Round 1. Roll footage, Round 2. TH/TH 2-1 Hayashibara. -

Momus: He stepped forward, the staff leading the way.

Hayashibara: Katana leveled, she dashes forward, striking in once more and feeling the end of his staff striking her midsection simultaneously. She grunts softly before turning around to remain facing him.

Peter: Darn. That had potential to be a complete walk-around for Momus. Can we have another look at that"

- Zoom-in, action replay of the double-thrust, paying special attention to where Tasslehofl's staff penetrates Aya's defenses. -

Peter: This is what we call a tie round. Not a null round, but a tie round. If these fighters were actually fighting in a real circumstance, both would be dead right now.

Chris: Hardly, Pete. Momus's choice of weapon is a walking stick. Hayashibara's weapon is one of the more deadly blades known to man.

Peter: You would be surprised at the amount of force a staff can have when used correctly. If he wanted to, I have no doubt Momus could whip that thing out and break a couple of ribs.

- End footage Round 2. Roll footage, Round 3. LC/HC 3-2 Hayashibara. -

Momus: The staff came about, leveling off as he came in high.

Hayashibara: She once more brings the blade low, aiming to keep the fellow Warlord off balance. She fails to escape unscathed and build any greater lead by feeling his staff striking in return to her upper body.

Chris: For the love of all things! LEAVE HIS MANHOOD ALONE!

Peter: She is rather partial to the low cut, Chris, but I doubt it's for the reasons you say.

Chris: How else can you possibly figure"

Peter: Well" her specialty appears to be Battōjutsu, which is a martial arts technique that involves multiple cuts after the sword has already been drawn. The katana is absolutely specially designed for cutting, and by keeping her attacks low, Hayashibara reduces the risk of leaving herself open to a blunt attack.

Chris: Yes. By stabbing"

Peter: - Interrupting. - In general, Chris. Stabbing in general.

- End footage Round 3. Roll footage, Round 4. HC/FSS 4-2 Hayashibara. -

Hayashibara: She turns her attack to go towards his upper body, striking at shoulder height and connecting with him before he could escape. This gave her some breathing room to work with and satisfied her somewhat.

Momus: He stepped right into that headache.

Chris: Aaaaargh! What are you doing, man"! Don't evade!

Peter: I'm inclined to agree with you, actually. Both Hayashibara's technique and her weapon choice put her at a disadvantage against overtly offensive maneuvers. He should press on to put her on the defensive.

- End footage Round 4. Roll footage, Round 5. FCP/HC 4-3 Hayashibara. -

Momus: He grunted and brought the staff around again, leveling it off high.

Hayashibara: It was her turn to defend, unfortunately she chose incorrectly the direction and paid for it with her gained point. She curses inwardly and turns from the blow to regain her direction against him.

Chris: BOOM! That's what I'm talking about! While Hayashibara has a foolproof offense, her defense obviously needs some work!

Peter: This is what I was telling you about, though, take a look at how fluid Momus is with his weapon. The deadliness of a weapon is directly related to the technique backing it. Anything can become a killing device to the properly trained fighter.

Chris: And Momus sure is properly trained. Careful with that walking stick, though. I poked myself in the foot with one once and gave myself a bad case of staff, I did! Ahaha!

Peter: " Really, Chris"

Chris: Ohhh, I kill myself!

- End footage Round 5. Roll footage, Round 6. HC/TH 4 All. -

Momus: He stepped forward quickly, that thrust going in.

Hayashibara: She did not like the position she was in after her failed defense, and the resulting exchange was the reason why. She curses at the sensation of the staff striking her midsection as she pulls back, clenching her jaw tightly and narrowing her eyes irritably.

Peter: There we go. He's got her on the ropes. As long as Momus keeps his attacks quick and sure, he should have a better chance at scoring points.

Chris: Awfully good at thrusting, ain't he"

Peter: Don't go there, Chris. Just. Don't.

Chris: Whaaaat' I'm just saying, he should consider taking an offensive position more often!

Peter: Oh. Well you may be right, there.

Chris: That, and I suppose since the family jewels aren't -

Peter: - Interrupting. - NEXT!

- End footage Round 6. Roll footage, Round 7. SL/FCP 5-4 Hayashibara. -

Hayashibara: She strikes out wildly, near desperation, and manages to strike through the defense to secure the final point needed to advance her on to the next round.

Chris: Holy mother"! She landed a slash"! She actually landed a slash!

Peter: I told you, Chris. Perfect offense. The curvature of the katana is built for slashing.

Chris: But"! But Momus's defense is impenetrable!

Peter: It's quite a tough call there, Chris. While Momus is extremely skilled when it comes to defense, Hayashibara is no one to be trifled with on the other end of the spectrum.

- Camera returns to the studio, where Chris looks pale. -

Chris: Yeah, well, I told you. How much you want to bet that's the kind of woman that spends her time killing kittens"

Peter: Just because she's a skilled swordswoman, that doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings too.

Chris: Pfffff-RIGHT! Tell that to the terrifying look in her eyes!

Peter: I'd rather not, if I can help it.

Chris: That it' We done" I've got a thing.

Peter: Yes, yes. Go eat your bacon' heart attack" things.

Chris: No, no. The heart attack comes with the twice-fried doughnuts.

Peter: " You're alive how"

Chris: Sometimes, I wonder that myself.

Peter: Well then, folks. Thanks for tuning in with us tonight. Until next time, I'm Peter Pham.

Chris: And I'm Chris Reed!

Peter: You stay sporty, RhyDin!

- Chris throws off his headset and bolts away from the desk screaming excitedly of bloodshed. End of tape. -