Topic: Duel of Swords Team Tournament Breakdowns & Analyses

Colin Talvitie · Date: 2011-06-29 12:54 EST

What's Old is New Again: The Return of Team Dueling! Freelancer - Colin Talvitie

Team dueling" That's right, it's back in Rhydin. We're not talking about that eons-long Tour de Rhydin insanity, either. No, this time it's an 8-team-no-holds-barred-single-elimination-do-or-di e-one-shot-lose-and-cry-into-your-pint spectacular!

And of course I, Colin Talvitie, am here to tell you why your favourite team/dueler probably won't get the job done. Why' Because they probably won't. That's the grand thing about being a realist"I get to point out the obvious things that most of you fanatics out there blatantly ignore (yes, Team Fist followers, I'm still talking to you).

After years of employ at The Ringside Post, I've decided to pick up my rucksack and go rogue. Freelance is the new hotness! My newfound status as writer-mercenary's already got my pantry stocked with more cans of pork and beans than can possibly be good for me. More importantly, I can afford my favorite pints.

You'll notice that unlike most of the hacks, oh, sorry, established authors here at The Rhydin Post, there's no nice picture of me to go along with my articles. Why' Guess they don't trust me yet. Or they don't think I'll last. But you, dear readers, you'll prove those prats who run this rag wrong, wontcha" I know you will.

Before someone remembers I get paid by the word now, let's take a look at the teams entered in this as-yet-nameless team tournament where I expect to see much stabbing, clubbing, bludgeoning, and general mayhem. Those of you familiar with team dueling will recall that it's a whole different world than 'regular" dueling. It's not always about just getting in the ring and hacking away. Every point you score (or don't score) can mean the difference between a team win and a team loss. Many of the duelers in this tournament have prior team experience, either in the Team Dueling League, the Iron Fists League, or elsewhere. Though those leagues folded years ago, and though the rules for this tournament (especially the method of dueler pairings) differ, the team dueling principles remain.

As far as the teams go, most of them are bollocks, and I'm happy to explain why. First up, an old favourite?

Colin Talvitie · Date: 2011-06-29 13:19 EST

Great of Strength

Captain: Anubis Karos Deathlord Xanth Van Bokkelen Hennessy Lily Karos

As I write this, I'm looking across my desk at my Crunchem plushie, remembering with fondness the days of IFL and a terrible team called Great of Strength. D"j" vu, anyone" The good news this time around is that Anubis Karos and Co. have a 12.5% chance at taking home top honors. For those of you weak in the statistics department, that's a 87.5% chance of blowing it again. Me" I'm playing the safe odds and I suggest you do the same with as much quid as you can spare. Here's why.

Anubis Karos " Duel of Swords Record: 26-0; TDL Record: 2-9, -4.273 MPDPD

Gee, I'm sure all of Anubis" opponents will be quaking in their knickers. For all his abrasive bravado, the guy doesn't even have thirty wins to his name! Sure, he's wormed his way into titles (3 Overlord, 6 Baronies) but the way the guy talks about himself, you'd think he was the best swordsman the Duel of Swords has ever seen. Bollocks.

This is a team tournament and Mr. I-get-my-kicks-chaining-up-females-for-a-living has proven he's lacking when the pressure's on (I tried contacting his harem for the sordid details, but nobody'd comment for the record). Let's not forget that 2-9 TDL record and the staggeringly bad -4.273 MPDPD. He lost to some guy named JoeBob Scroggins for crying out loud (Mr. Scroggins, for those keeping score, also fought 11 duels in his TDL career with an overall -1.864 MPDPD. Maybe Mr. Scroggins should be captaining").

As UltraSlaveMan, Supreme Commander, or whatever silly name he's entitled himself with these days, Anubis captained his IFL team to a 4-5 record and made some questionable calls along the way, including a controversial benching of his own teammate in favor of a Free Agent in Week 4 of Season 2 (surprise, surprise, the FA lost the bout 5-1). So who's Anubis convinced he's the blind leading the blind guy to lead Great of Strength to glory' Let's look.

Deathlord " Duel of Swords record: 1-0; TDL Record: 5-3, 2.313 MPDPD

Remember that windstorm we had in New Haven a couple months back" I figured out the cause: it resulted from the simultaneous collective sigh of relief from the populace when he lost the barony and that garden of ice-sculpture corpses melted away. Of course, property values soon plummeted as everyone started to gag from the putrid stench of bloating bodies, but hey, win some lose some.

At first blush, there are some fairly impressive accomplishments in Deathlord's dueling career. He was the first dueler to ever obtain a barony in the Duel of Swords without even being on the standings and he successfully defended the title four times in the space of 18 months. Of course, all positive impressions by those accomplishments are immediately dashed away because he has this silly contingent of walking zombies that follow him around and constantly scream "Hail Deathlord!" If you hold dominion over something like death, do you really need a posse announcing your arrival" Wouldn't you prefer the element of surprise" Even worse, Deathlord's known in the dueling circles as Taneth's favourite dressup doll. If you're the Lord of Death, and some silly girl's bringing you muffins and snuggles and flowers and hats, aren't you obligated to strike her down immediately upon principle" No' Well, Dresslord it is then. If that's not enough, let's take a closer look at that TDL record. If we consider a career of minimum 8 duels, Dresslord only ranks 46th best in MPDPD and tied for 68th on the top winning % list. Gee, how impressive. Too, in his 18 months as Baron, he fought a grand total of seven duels with a 3-2-2 record. I think Death needs a new steward. How much fear can you really command if you're tying almost as much as you're winning" I'm overcome with wowness. Aren't you? Xanth Van Bokkelen " Duel of Swords Record: 25-2; TDL Record: 5-5, 0.600 MPDPD

Another ex-Baron joins the GoS ranks, but one wonders why. Maybe Anubis promised to enslave the librarians in the Rhydin Public Library and turn him loose again. Anyone remember that debacle from a couple years back" Let me remind you of the "Proclamation' at the time, where Bokkelen claimed, amongst other drivel, "Trespassing or interference of any kind will be punished by MORTAL DEATH". As opposed to immortal death. Good thing he clarified that. And how did this reign of terror end" Mr. Mortal Death, despite promising 'sadistic orgies of fire and blood," abandoned his dastardly plot one day later because of a semi-strongly worded letter from then-Governor Simon.

At least Xanth knows Anubis can't unceremoniously bench him for a Free Agent this time around. Maybe he should have written a semi-strongly worded letter to Anubis back in that fateful week. Unfortunately, the inability to be benched is just about all the Robed-Wonder's got going for him as he competes for the spotlight with the megalomania that is Anubis "I'm the Best Ever, Just Don't Look At My Actual Record" Karos and the ever-popular Dresslord.

Hennessey " Duel of Swords Record: N/A; TDL Record: N/A

I know! Anubis has used his mighty powers of reckoning to pick the next great dueler (we've seen how well this has worked out in the past)! No' Ok, how about: Anubis" prowess in the rings has so impressed this woman that she"no, that doesn't sound right either. Somehow, Anubis finds another female to do his dirty work in the ring and presumably other places; my guess is that she ain't exactly a "volunteer" in this endeavor and if she is, she's seriously lacking in the choose-friends-wisely department. At worst, she's probably playing nanny to the Karos kids during the fights. At best, she's fodder...at least, that's probably how the other teams are looking at her.

Lily Karos " Duel of Swords Record: N/A; TDL Record: N/A

The Fair Labor Agreement supporters must be salivating over this grand example of parental-supported child labor where the kid gets beat up one side the ring and down the other while mommy and daddy watch. One can only imagine that Anubis" wife told him where to go and how to get there before joining another one of his sure-to-fail dueling ventures. Being the good mama that she is, she's letting the little girl take the beatings instead. Does Anubis take the whip to his own kids if they underperform' Does he farm them out to competing slavers to get their comeuppance? Too bad the kid doesn't have the kind of sway with dear-old-dad that her mom does so she could run far far away from this looming disaster of a team.

Before the Duel of Swords standings were reset for summer, Baby Karos had a 0-1-1 record. Given that, I'm guessing she'll be mutilating crayons and coloring books on the sidelines with Hennessey keeping careful slave-nanny watch while Anubis buggers about the matchups. One can only hope that dueling poorly isn't a genetic trait or she'll be following in papa's footsteps and blowing matches in a spectacularly underwhelming fashion.

Colin Talvitie · Date: 2011-06-30 11:50 EST

Pulling Rank

Captain: Vincent Smith Ellisa Morgan - withdrawn Mur Ollavan Rhiannon Harker Imp Aya Hayashibara

On paper, from an individual standpoint, this group's got the whole tournament won. Too bad you actually have to fight the matches in a team setting. Still, ol" Vinny's got himself a heck of a troupe. If nothing else, they'll be entertaining. And loud. And slobbery. Better get your earplugs and rainslicks ready for action. Gee, doesn't that sound like a good time"

Vincent VM. Smith " Duel of Swords Record: 38-3-1; TDL Record: 30-31, -0.377 MPDPD

Hotel owner turned dueler" Dueler turned hotel owner" Valet parker tur"Who cares.

Despite his current status as Baron in the Arena, Vincent's best known for his accomplishments over in the Duel of Magic, where he's the reigning Archmage (that's Overlord equivalent, for you people living under rocks) and sports an 82 WoL record. He's been Isle King eleven times so far but all his exploits as a spell-slinging wunderkind won't do jack for him in the Swords rings.

But maybe it doesn't have to. Surrounding himself with four other duelers (two current baronesses, one of whom is an ex-Overlord, another current baron who's also an ex-Overlord, and the current Fists Diamond who's also a Baron) sounds fantastic on paper. There's absolutely no reason Pulling Rank shouldn't pull themselves into a tournament victory...except for that nasty have-to-duel-the-duels criteria again. As far as who'll be doing the real fighting for this team, read on. Ellisa Morgan* " Duel of Swords Record: 73-0-0; TDL Record: 13-13, -0.923 MPDPD *Editor's Note: Ellisa Morgan has withdrawn from the tournament. Aya Hayashibara has replaced her.

The semi-official word is "amnesia" to explain how Ellisa Morgan is really Britania Grey is really Ellisa Morgan. Right, because with all the magic and medicine in this city, amnesia runs rampant and noooooooobody ever recognized her. If you're buying that drivel, I've got a dungpile to sell you in Dockside.

Me" I'm voting multiple-personalities. Why' That leads right into unpredictability. I mean, once you get past the whole blue-eyes-big-knockers-chickadee-who-wears-leather -and-swings-a-sword thing. How many of those do we have scrambling around the dueling venues" I've lost count. Anyway, volatility's a fantastic trait to have in the dueling ring. She's the current Overlord, ain't she" Unpredictability. I'm telling you it's her ticket. And she better keep punching it furiously during this tournament against whomever Vincent pits against her. Ticket-punching's her best shot, because her historical team-dueling performance, including back-to-back shutout losses to Jake Thrash and Huma Evilbane in Season 515 (5-0 in 5, 5-0 in 8) doesn't exactly bode well for her status-quo methods.

Mur Ollavan " Duel of Swords Record: 33-15-5; TDL Record: 11-15, -1.058 MPDPD

Assuming you can move past his highly annoying public jibber-jabber back-and-forth spats with Neo Eternity (girls, you're both pretty. Just sod off already!) you find that, like Vincent, Mur's better off on the Isle (103 WoL) than in the Arena. Still, the reigning Duel of Fists Diamond (22 WoL) is a former Overlord. Who'd he lose to' That's right, Ellisa Grey. Or Britania Morg"you get the idea. That's gotta do wonders for team chemistry.

Let's review the recent correspondence, between Mur and El...Br"to hell with it, I'm dubbing her Brittisa from now on. Mur calls Britissa a 'silly wench", Britissa accuses Mur of wasting her time, more insults like "horsegoblin" and "D-Class duelists" are bandied about, there are tests and intercessions and drama, and when all's said and done, we find that Mur's mouth was ahead of his game (notice a pattern, anyone") and he's not the Overlord anymore. Vincent better keep Mur's mouth in check and get him to pay attention long enough to comprehend the concept of "team' no matter who else is on the squad.

Rhiannon Harker " Duel of Swords Record: 18-1-0; Team Dueling League Record: 8-25, -4.439 MPDPD

Individually, Rhiannon's done some things in her career. She's a former Talon of Redwin and she's come out on top of a Warlord Tournament (which is how she achieved her barony). Her WoL tally isn't anything to go gaga over, but she's spent her time in the trenches and worked her way up the ranks. Vincent's signed himself a serviceable, but not a stellar, individual. But here's the thing. On one hand, we have a current baroness. On the other, we have someone actually worse in team-dueling than Anubis Karos. That's gotta weigh on a girl, y'know" Team dueling's not like regular dueling, folks. It just isn't. And Rhiannon's yet another example of someone unable to change their mindset and strategies accordingly. Twice, she opened TDL seasons with shutout losses (5-0 in 6 to Rath; 5-0 in 8 to Mark Race. And for good measure, she closed out Season 517 with another shutout loss, 5-0 in 5 to Avery Shiv Blade). Slow starter" Poor finisher" In a small team tournament, neither's an option. Never once sporting a winning record and with two seasons of -7 victories, Vincent better hope that Rhiannon's learned a thing or two since TDL folded. Otherwise, Vinny'll need to fill yet another seat in the Team Concept 101 course.

Imp " Duel of Swords Record: 7-0-0; TDL Record*: N/A *The Imp in the TDL records is a different Imp. God help us"there's more than one.

Here's another decent individual dueler: a former Talon of Redwin winner, a current Baron and former Overlord with 10 successive defenses of that title (we'll forget for the moment that he up and quit the post for reasons unknown). However, the big fat zero in the team-dueling experience column should serve as a big blue warning sign to Vincent and a big blue target for the other captains.

At the very least, the creature known and loved as "Tha P"Imp" should certainly be a crowd-draw for Pulling Rank's matches. If he can keep his hands of the females long enough, he might even win some fights and help the team. I'm betting he pays more attention to the women than the weapons but still manages to find a win or two.

Aya Hayashibara " Duel of Swords Record: 63-0-0; TDL Record: 16-10, 1.327 MPDPD

That's unpredictability for ya. Britissa's gone before the tournament begins and things do not bode will for Pulling Rank. Will the addition of Aya help" Not really.

Though Aya fought in 5 TDL seasons, 3 of those were stints as a Free Agent and she last dueled as part of a team back in Season 521. Still, she ended her TDL career with a 5-0 in 6 shutout over Kheldar Drasinia in Season 525, so there are those fond memories to cling to. Like practically everyone else in this tournament, she's an ex-Overlord and she's also a four-time baron.

That being said, she's not an upgrade over Britissa. In fact, she's the exact opposite as far as predictability goes. From Aya, you can count on long-winded diatribes about honor and about how this person and that person fail to live up to her code of standards and ethics. If you're quite unlucky, you might even hear about why she's choosing to "experience the euphoric sensation that only comes about when something truly worthy is at risk" (seriously, this chick's nutters). And in her own words, written in a challenge declaration, "It is only through the pressures of these challenges that I can truly feel that the match I am engaged in matters?.

Good to know she's not going to care at all about these tournament duels, since they're not title-challenges. Nice signing, Vincent. Maybe you should go back to picking out which doilies to use at that hotel of yours and leave the captaining to someone else.

Colin Talvitie · Date: 2011-07-01 11:21 EST

Company of the Dragon

Captain: G'nort Dragoon-Talanador Tareth Thorn Caedia Thorn Charlie Jericho Jaycy Ashleana

Here's where things get really interesting. As individuals, this team doesn't have a whole lot to show outside of G"nort and Jaycy. However, their team-dueling accomplishments are far and away the best in the tournament field. Four of the five duelers sport a positive MPDPD from their TDL careers and they know how to work together. Caedia and Tareth spent their entire TDL careers fighting under the CDR flag (Tareth never once had a losing season) and Charlie fought for CDR 4 out of 7 seasons. While Jaycy only spent one season with CDR, she should find little trouble fitting in. So will G"nort & Friends walk away with the whole thing" Not likely.

Gustavus G'nort Esplanade G'neesmacher Dragoon-Talanador the Third: Duel of Swords Record: 204-0-0; TDL Record: 83-60, 1.199 MPDPD

First things first: Gustavus G'nort Esplanade G'neesmacher Dragoon-Talanador the Third. Since I'm paid by the word, I love this name. Gustavus G'nort Esplanade G'neesmacher Dragoon-Talanador the Third. Money in the bank. Gustavus G'nort Esplanade G'neesmacher Dragoon-Talanador the Third. That's worth at least two pints. Gustavus G'nort Esplanade G'neesmacher Dragoon-Talanador the Third. There's a banger and mash! Gustavus G'nort Esplanade G'neesmacher Drago"I can't take it anymore! My fingers scream in protest every time I type that name. It's horrible. As a solution oriented fellow, I'm going with GGEGDTtT from here on out (by the way you Post editors: every time I use GGEGDTtT, I'm still billing as if I typed the full name. Sod off if you don't like it. Consider it a tradeoff for me not filing an injury lawsuit for when my hands cramp and my fingers fall off). What we have here in GGEGDTtT is arguably the greatest team dueler of all time, and also arguably one of the greatest team captains of all time. Under GGEGDTtT's leadership, CDR sported a winning TDL record 7 out of 11 seasons, 8 Match Sweeps, only 1 sweep loss (vs. Atrebla in Week 4 of Season 523), 7 Division titles, 1 Conference Pennant, and 1 TDL championship. Add in his 83 career wins (#1 all time) and 143 career TDL fights (#1 all time) and his 204 WoL record over in the Arena (nevermind the 8 Baronies and corresponding defenses), and GGEGDTtT's not someone who opponents should look forward to facing.

Or is he"

Peeling back the bright and shiny layers of time-stuffed statistics, we find some glaring weaknesses in GGEGDTtT's game. While his dueling experience is difficult to match, GGEGDTtT participated in every TDL season which is a main reason why he has so many career duels and wins. Win-percentagewise, he's only 60th all time (58.04%) and also 60th in MPDPD (assuming a career of at least 20 duels). He also has problems closing out regulation matches " make GGEGDTtT work and you might tire him into a loss or at least a very narrow victory (his fights went to overtime 17 times and he lost 10). He was also shut out twice (5-0 in 5 to Nova in 514 and 5-0 in 6 to Rakeesh in 523) and only managed one shutout and five 5-1 victories out of all those career duels.

The rub' Don't be intimidated by the numbers. This guy may know how to plan matchups, but he's vulnerable in the rings. Besides, by his own admission, he married a beached whale once. Or was it a bloated cow" How smart can he really be?

Tareth Thorn: Duel of Swords Record: N/A; TDL Record: 37-16, 2.632MPDPD

GGEGDTtT better be pulling out the old spit-"n-polish routine on Tareth and hope the guy can remember how to point a sword in the right direction. Relying on the hopes of an automatic return to dueling prominence might not be the best tactic here.

#19 on the all time TDL career MPDPD list, Tareth was a dueler through and through, whether stabbing you with a sword or punching you with his face (I've seen him do it"not pretty). In his prime, Tareth was a force. GGEGDTtT must have been reliving the olden days to sign Tareth to this team, because that prime was years ago. Although Tareth is a former Overlord and Diamond, those accomplishments date from 6 to 8 years back.

Maybe this tournament's how Tareth plans to resume his career but he has no time to shake off the cobwebs and God only knows what pressure he's going to be under from the performance clauses GGEGDTtT's sure to have put in his contract. If he can find that prime of his again quickly, though, this may prove to be the most brilliant signing by any captain in the tournament.

Caedia Thorn: Duel of Swords Record: N/A; TDL Record: 20-17, 0.311MPDPD

Aw, look, a brother and sister team-within-a-team. Are we going to get sibling rivalry or fake-family-hugs-and-kisses-for-the-cameras" The female Thorn, much like her brother, also hasn't dueled in ages. I sort of hope they've been fighting anonymously in the Badside Pits because if they haven't, GGEGDTtT's team is quickly shaping up to be more hope and memories than recently proven skill.

Caedia's TDL career started off strong (6-1, 7-1) and then fell off a long dark cliff (2-6, 3-5, 2-4). She even got shut out by Matt Simon (5-0 in 8, Season 523). Seriously. Matt Simon. Absolute rubbish. If she can return to her early-career form (and she'll have about 3 rounds to do it given the single-elimination aspect of this event), Caedia just might provide another spark of flame to the Company. If she or her brother stumbles out of the gate, this'll be a very short tournament for GGEGDTtT.

Charlie Jericho: Duel of Swords Record: N/A; TDL Record: 23-18, 0.476MPDPD

Another one. GGEGDTtT must have gone to the fabled Land of Duelers Past and pulled Charlie out along with Tareth and Caedia. Though she's dueled more recently than the other two, Charlie's still been MIA from the rings for longer than's good for anyone entering a short-field tournament. Maybe that's because she's dead. Or unalive. Or whatever they call it these days. Plus, she's a Decadant Daughter, whatever the hell that is besides an excuse for a bunch of girls to go out and get stupid pissed and fall all over each other into bed and"hey, that doesn't sound all bad, does it' But a decadent drunken walking corpse who hasn't dueled lately does not necessarily a good tournament signing make.

With the Double-Thorn signings, GGEGDTtT's been reliant upon history repeating itself. With Charlie, he's doing the same, but in a big boom-or-bust fashion (anyone else thinking bust' I know you're out there.) Similar to GGEGDTtT, Charlie's got problems getting matches done in regulation. 9 of TDL her matches went to overtime but unlike GGEGDTtT, she won most of them (7). Though she only has one losing TDL season (524), Charlie's team-dueling career proves one thing: she's incredibly streaky. Only four times did she not string together a series of wins or a series of losses. She had 4 stints of 3-losses in a row, one stint of 4-losses in a row, one 5-win streak, one 6-win streak, and multiple two-and-three win streaks. The pros and cons of this tendency in a small tournament are obvious. GGEGDTtT better find a way to get Charlie on the positive side of the win column and keep her there.

Jaycynda Ashleana: Duel of Swords Record: 19-0-0; TDL Record: 21-26, -1.191MPDPD

If there was a league for sleeping around, this philly's the unquestioned champion. Dueling" She's got some work to do.

Out of all GGEGDTtT's signings, Jaycy's the most "individual? of the bunch. It could prove to be a smart move if GGEGDTtT's goal is variety. It's the spice of life after all, right' Her TDL career stats are rubbish compared to the others: 9 seasons, 3 winning seasons (two of those in which she only fought 1 duel as a Free Agent), and only two duels in which she won by four or more points. Much like bed-partners, Jaycy had trouble staying loyal to one team and only fought for the same team once (a 4 season stint with MAR). We'll just have to assume she'll stick to CDR from week to week as this tournament progresses.

Outside of TDL, Jaycy's achieved multiple titles in the Arena over several years, including Overlord more than a decade ago alongside four baronies. But, she has more WoL on her bedpost than she does on the Arena's standings. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but she'll need to keep her libido in check and her mind focused on the ring if she's going to do this team any good.

Colin Talvitie · Date: 2011-07-01 18:50 EST

Team Fist

Captain: Matthew Algiers Simon Kalamere Ar'Din Tarl Cabot Tasselhofl Momus Teagan Rielea

Ah, Team Fist. Perennial underdogs and perennial losers. Does Team Fist Nation even exist anymore" Nobody could be that eternally optimistic, could they' The one inkling of hope " this bunch has a whole tonne of team-dueling experience under their belts. Still, Simon's going to have his hands full as Team Fist has brewing chemistry problems. While Kalamere and Teagan are, to put it loosely, "close", that's the only good vibe Team Fist has going. As for the rest, Simon recently stripped Kalamere of his barony which does him no favors with Kalamere or Teagan. Tasselhofl has challenged Simon for IceDancer twice in recent months (failing both times) and there's bound to be bitterness on both sides. Tarl's probably oblivious to it all given his drinking habits but I can't fault him for that. As with nearly everything involving Team Fist, ignorance is bliss.

Matthew Algiers Simon " Duel of Swords Record: 15-0-0; TDL Record: 54-43, 0.515 MPDPD

Picking on Captain Futility is so easy that I feel like a kid on Christmas. How many different ways can you be bollocks in team dueling" About as many ways as you can while captaining, apparently.

In TDL, Team Fist earned three division titles and one Wildcard berth in 12 seasons. No Conference Championships. No League Championships. Nothing. To be fair, Captain Futility wasn't in charge for that entire time, but Team Fist's colossal failures in the latter TDL seasons as well as in the Iron Fists League (8-8 in 2 seasons, 0-1 in playoff matchups, and the worst bout record " 30-34 " and lowest points scored " 54 " out of all the two-season teams) are all on laid on Simon's geriatric lap.

With 97 career TDL duels, Simon's 90th on the all-time MPDPD list and 76th on the all time winning percentage list (20-duel minimum). Suck + Suck = That's right: Suck. Let's also not forget the 4 shutout losses. Continual Suck + Even More Suck = Why Bother" And don't get me started on how the hell this guy ever became a Warlord in the Arena, much less a Baron. If I was GGEGDTtT, I'd shut the place down in shame and start over someplace fresh.

As far as who Simon's going to pound his head against the brick wall with this time out, read on.

Kalamere Ar'Din " Duel of Swords Record: 78-0-0; TDL Record: 23-20, 0.453 MPDPD

Maybe Kalamere was so impressed by Simon's dueling during the Battlefield Park challenge that he felt compelled to join up with Team Fist. Or maybe he felt he owed Simon a favor when the guy didn't kick Teagan out of the Baronial Manor right off the bat. More likely, he lost the worst bet of his life and was forced to sign on. He has no ties of loyalty to Team Fist and certainly won't once this tournament ends. While Kalamere does sport a winning TDL record, his last 6 matches were as a Free Agent and he wound up 2-4, with his last duel coming in Season 522. He was Overlord sixteen years ago, so that's basically meaningless, and a four-time baron. Who lost to Matt Simon. The poor man's going to be dueling in this tournament with that horrid mark of shame hanging over his head. Talk about fodder for the hecklers in the crowd. This has to be the lowest point in Kalamere's long and formerly illustrious dueling career. Time to hang 'em up, old-timer. You're done.

Tarl Cabot " Duel of Swords Record: 69-0-1; TDL Record: 64-48, 1.375 MPDPD

The first of three "T" duelers on the team (maybe Simon's got a new fetish"), Tarl recently returned to the Arena's rings in the DoS Madness tournament, apparently at the behest of Friend Simon. Winning the whole damn thing, Tarl offered Friend Simon the challenge grant, which in turn led to the fight against Kalamere and we already know how that turned out. In the meantime, Tarl went and knocked off Senior Baron Dresslord and got a barony of his own. Not only is Tarl the best individual dueler on this version of Team Fist, he's the best team-dueler as well. That's a sad state of affairs given he doesn't know his arse from his elbow half the time. Tarl spent 10 of 11 seasons on the TMF roster in TDL. In 7 of those he had a winning record and three shutout wins (5-0 in 5 over Gray Hawk in 518, 5-0 in 8 over Cory Havoick in 521 and 5-0 in 7 over Bode BoJangles in 524) with one perfect-shutout loss against Maria Graziano in Season 522. He also fought for TMF in the Iron Fists League and was one of their most utilized and most consistent duelers there as well. Pissed or sober, Tarl's the one who needs to lead this team both in and out of the ring if they've got any hope of overcoming Simon's ineptness as a dueler and a captain.

Tasselhofl Momus " Duel of Swords Record: 64-0-1; TDL Record: 41-47, -0.506 MPDPD

The only TMF member with a losing TDL record (5 of those losses in overtime), Tass has eleven years of TDL experience to fall back on. Too bad he had a winning record in only three of those seasons. A big reason for that is his penchance for losing streaks: Tass lost 3 or more consecutive duels 6 times in his career. Team Fist better hope Tass isn't one for encores.

An ex-Overlord and 5-time Baron, Tass" focus these days leans more toward Fists than Swords. That's going to hurt him in this tournament as it did in DoS Madness where he was knocked out in Round 1. But what?s a womanizing dragon to do' Lose, that's what. In true TMF fashion.

Teagan Rielea: Duel of Swords Record: 19-1-0; TDL Record: 6-5, -0.273 MPDPD

Much like Kalamere, it's a total mystery why Teagan, the self-proclaimed Queen of the Ring, signed onto this doomed venture. My guess is that she's just playing tagalong to her latest boytoy. At one time in the recent past, she seemingly couldn't lose a tournament that she entered, so she's probably more than just the token female on the team. But if not, at least she'll stand there and look pretty.

Her team-dueling experience (11 TDL duels with one perfect shutout loss to Will Wulfson in Season 525) is quite lacking and she'll need to strongly rely on the guidance of Tarl and Kalamere to figure things out on the fast-track. Another ex-Overlord and 3-time Baroness, Teagan's proven she can duel well when the pressure's on. Whether she can do so under the watchful eye of Captain Futility and the 2.5 fans that make up Team Fist Nation is another story altogether. Go team.

Colin Talvitie · Date: 2011-07-05 11:55 EST

The Youngbloods

Dyarhk: Captain Roderick Douglas Rachael Wynter Felix Mena Daniel DeAuster - withdrawn Lilith

It's an apt team name if for no other reason that this team's going to be bleeding. A lot. Of all the teams in the tournament, this is the only one with absolutely no team-dueling experience. At all. Only two of the five sport winning records in the Arena, and only one of the five is ranked Warlord. Far and away, this is the least prepared team. Begginner's luck" Sure, I believe in it. But for this gang, it's all going to be of the bad sort.

Dyarhk " Duel of Swords Record: 4-0-1; TDL Record: N/A

Dyarhk's current claim to fame: He's the Old Market Squire. In a nutshell, he's an errand boy for Ms. Smiles-A-Lot Aya Hayashibara. At least he gets to tote around a green-glowing axe for his trouble " a built in night-light for when he's scared in the dark and having nightmares of getting cut to ribbons by the likes of Tareth Thorn and Tarl Cabot. Dyarhk's only hope is that he can maintain a positive attitude and rally his team to believe in themselves as they're torn to shreds by the more experienced duelers and teams. So who's going to drink the Kool-Aid" Read on.

Roderick Douglas " Duel of Swords Record: 29-0; TDL Record: N/A

A former Talon of Redwin (March 2010), Roderick's got himself a respectable WoL tally. In the most recent Warlord Tournament, he lasted long enough to choke in the 4th round and exit with a 1-2 record (he had a Round 3 bye).

With Roddy having climbed the ranks in both the Outback and Arena, Dyarhk has to hope that the Scotsman channels his inner-Talon-Tournament form as opposed to his inner-Warlord and be the anchor for this team. Roddy's the best that The Youngbloods have to offer, at least in the ways of rank and wins. It's a long fall of a short cliff otherwise.

Rachael Wynter " Duel of Swords Record: 4-10-0; TDL Record: N/A

Is that 3-9 record just a bit of bad luck" Unfortunately for this team, it's par for the Rachael course. Looking back through recent history, we find that Rachael's not exactly an apt swordswoman. In the last three cycles, she's wound up with records of: 17-16-0 (Fall, 2010), 15-18-2 (Winter, 2010), 18-28-2 (Spring, 2011). That's 50-62-2 overall. And while she placed in the top bracket for all 3 sports in the recent InterGender War, she did so with a losing record in every venue. Not exactly a confidence-brewer for Captain Dyarhk, but the other teams have to be loving it! Stabbing fish in a barrel" Doesn't get much easier than this.

Felix Mena " Duel of Swords Record: 2-6-0; TDL Record: N/A

Another dueler with a losing record gets the chance to bleed his own blood for a captain and team who inspire little awe and zero fear. Good thing he'll probably have his dog along to lap up all the red goop he'll be spilling on the floorboards. Aside from that, maybe he can bring his Fists mentor, Sarah, along to do some rah-rah cheering on the sidelines. Otherwise, all he'll probably be contributing to this team is another notch in the loss column.

Daniel DeAuster: Duel of Swords Record: 0-2-0; TDL Record: N/A

Could Dyarhk find nobody other than Roddy with a winning record" I mean, signing new/young/whatever duelers to a team is one thing. Signing ones who lose more often than not is quite another. Why not grab Sadie (1-0-1), that creepy robot girl Nu-13 (7-4-1) or A"rus (8-0), each of whom has found the Arena in the last several months"

Daniel, despite from that long black hair and chiseled physique, has yet to be able to duel his way out of a wet paper sack. Given the makeup of this loss-leading squad, his best chance for a tournament win is to duel his own teammates. Since that's probably not an option, Daniel's got to look on the bright side. He's the best of the LoW worst on this team. Now there's a rallying cry if I ever heard one. Whoopie! *Editor's Note: Daniel DeAuster has withdrawn from the tournament. Lilith has replaced him.

Lilith " Duel of Swords Record: N/A; TDL Record: N/A

Daniel saw the light and bailed, possibly electing to duel more wet paper sacks before trying his hand at more serious dueling. Doesn't say much for his team spirit, though. On the plus side, Rachael and Felix now get to battle it out for the Best of the Worst title. Now, there's an incentive. Maybe this was Dyarhk's master plan all along. He's a geniu"oh wait. Nevermind...our wayward leader somehow does an even worse captaining job replacing Daniel than he did in originally signing him. Instead of finding a veteran to help lead the team or even a relative rookie with a decent WoL, Dyarhk signs someone with zero team dueling experience who's not even listed on the Arena's standings (nor was she listed during the last cycle)!

I'm all for bringing new duelers into the rings, but this tournament may not be the ideal scenario in which to kick off one's career. If she puts as much effort into her dueling as she does her tan, Lilith's going to be in a world of hurt. On the other hand, maybe she'll be the best thing since sliced bread. Betting lines are open at the casino!

Colin Talvitie · Date: 2011-07-14 23:02 EST

Four Up, Four Down Freelancer - Colin Talvitie

It's been a while since there's been one of these articles so as a refresher, here's the breakdown: I look at the performances from the week and pick up on those that are not rubbish and those that are rubbish. Then I explain why they are not rubbish or rubbish. Pretty simple. Follow along then, kiddies.

Four Up!

Camilla of Latium (5-0 over Aya Hayashibara in 8): This one's easy. The only shutout victory from the tournament's first round goes to Camilla. Of Latium. Obviously, she thinks her hometown's very important since she stuck it into her name. Stupid if you ask me, but Commoner Camilla out and out crushed Baroness Aya in a five-to-zip 8 round drubbing. Rubbish showing on Aya's part, who basically lived up to her 'not a challenge, don't take it seriously' edict. Looks like she's a sure loss for Week 2! Again, brilliant signing there, Mr. Hotel Man. As for Camilla, it's really too bad her team is crap and her win was utterly wasted.

Tareth Thorn (8.5-7.5 over Lily Karos in 15): The highest scoring duel of Round 1 goes to Tareth and Baby Karos. While Baby Karos put on a good show, she was outdone by Tareth. I guess Hennessey's nanny duties become full-time now that GoS has dueled themselves to a Round 1 loss. As far as Tareth goes, his years away from the ring have obviously left him rusty (how else could Baby Karos score so much") but he's still got the moxy to get the job done. Let's see if he can do it two weeks in a row.

Xanth van Bokkelen (5-1 over Charlie Jericho in 8): People have accused me of being too hard on (I still laugh every time I type this team name) Great of Strength. Come on, people, look at the history! And if you're not into history, how about the present' They're still bollocks. But fine, I'll throw them a bone. Let it never be said I am hard-hearted. Xanth managed not to be as crap as Anubis, Dresslord, and Lily. Amazingly enough, Nanny Hennessey also won her match. Maybe Xanth got some inside tips from Dresslord on how to beat up on the undead. Regardless, the streaky Charlie's on the losing path which odds are will continue in Week 2. For Xanth, he doesn't get to duel again because his team's eliminated. Maybe next time, Great of Strength. Until then, there's always the booming plushie buisness...

Jaycynda Ashleana (5.5-4.5 over Deathlord in 12): Apparently, Dresslord can't be Master and Commander of everything even if his little minion-things pretend he is. This was the only 2-2 tiebreaker match of Round 1 and it was close to say the least. In the end, Dresslord must have tripped over a hem or maybe he was thinking about who was going to die soon and how to fit them into Death Hotel or wherever he lives now that he's no longer a baron. At any rate, Jaycy managed to stay out of the bedroom long enough to secure victory for Company of the Dragon and send Anubis & Friends off to lick their wounds. For that, she gets a nod in this half of the list.

Four Down"

Aya Hayashibara (5-0 loss to Camilla in 8): Aya's here for the same reason Camilla's up top. Shutout win = good. Shutout loss = bollocks, especially for a chick who spouts off about how honor and how she takes pride in her craft only to then turn around and write that she really doesn't take it seriously after all. I don't expect this pitiful performance will change her heart or her mind but she deserved to lose and I'm glad she did. I've raised a pint to just desserts and I'll raise another in short order.

RoShamBo (4-1 match victory over Team Guillotine): How can a team win four out of five duels and still wind up in this part of the list' Easy - one of your duelers doesn't bother to show up and duel. Maybe "Queen" Teleperien was too busy queening and issuing lordly edicts to get off her duff and fight, or maybe she had to have servants scratch an itch underneath her royal corset. Whatever the reason, she's the only dueler who didn't fight in Round 1 of the tournament and stuck her team with a forefit loss instead of a possible 5-0 sweep. Absolute rubbish.

Noble Hearts: (1-4 loss to Pulling Rank): Normally, when the first duel out the gate's a shutout win, it puts momentum on your side. Not so for Noble Hearts (what an awful team name, by the way...maybe the cornball's what did them in) who managed to lose the next four duels with only one of their duelers, Cassius, scoring more than 3 points. I don't feel bad about not previewing this team (though it did cost me some quid) as writing about them would have been an utter waste of my time and yours. In fact, I can't bring myself to devote more space in this column to them. Ta ta.

Tasselhofl Momus (5.5-2 loss to Felix in 10): Three matchups were won by a 4-1 margin and the Great Womanizing Dragon is the reason Team Fist (God, Team Fist"!) didn't earn a match sweep in Round 1. Currently, Team Fist Nation is deluding themselves that their team's going far when they're going home once Round 2's said and done. Why' Because they overperformed in Round 1 (hell, even Captain Futility got himself a win) and they've got a long history of choking in their prime. This performance from Tass is what we can and should expect from the whole team (Tarl exempted) going forward.

Round 2 Predictions!

Pulling Rank defeats Team Fist, 4 matches to 1.

Company of the Dragon defeats RoShamBo (do they really need 3 capital letters in one name"), 3 matches to 2.

Colin Talvitie · Date: 2011-07-22 12:14 EST

Four Up, Four Down: Tournament Week 2 Freelancer - Colin Talvitie

Week 2's in the books and with 10 duels (technically 9), I'm not choosing eight for this article because, well, that's self-serving (which I'm not against) and silly (which I am against).

So what does that leave us with' Another shutout. Another lame forefit. Team Fist (TEAM-FREAKING-FIST) in the Finals! Against a team with a dueler who has yet to show up for a match! Pure rubbish any way you slice it.

Four Up!

Gren Blockman (5-0 over Caedia Thorn in 7): Camilla did it in Week 1. Gren does it in week 2. A shutout win in the last duel of the match (because Queenie forefitted again, this time against Tareth) to put an exclamation point on RoShamBo's trip to the Finals. He just better hope he didn't use up all his winning in this one match since, you know, another win next week would help.

Tasselhofl Momus (5-2 over Rhiannon Harker in 9): Am I eating crow" Humble pie" No. Even though I predicted Tass would lose this week, he managed to stop oogling the chicks long enough to stab one repeatedly in the ring. Like anyone else saw that coming. Going into this duel, the match between Team Fist and Pulling Rank was tied at 2-2. Tass definitely came through in the clutch to put TMF into the Finals.

Four Down"

RoShamBo: Notice a running theme from last week" I don't care if they're in the Finals. 2 weeks, two forefits from the same dueler. I only have one thing to say: Hey, Queenie! Get off your duff and duel, you lazy prat! That is all.

Caedia Thorn (5-0 loss to Gren Blockman in 7): We pretty much covered this in the Four Up! section, but GGEGDTtT's gotta be steaming after this one. I really hope this gal read her contract before she signed it. Otherwise, I'm really afraid of what horrible clauses just went into play.

Colin Talvitie · Date: 2011-07-22 12:18 EST

The Finals Matchups Freelancer - Colin Talvitie

Captain Futility & Friends vs. Team Forefit. Wow. Not exactly the Finals I saw coming, but it's what we've got to work with. That being said, the pairings are in!

Kalamere Ar'Din vs. Wyheree Ravenlocke: Kalamere's 1-1 in this tournament while Wyheree's 2-0. Despite that, the advantage goes to Kalamere in this duel unless the curse of Team Fist finally buries him. 1-0 TMF.

Tarl Cabot vs. Queen Teleperien: Tarl's won both of his matches while Teleperien hasn't bothered to show up to either of hers. No reason to think things will change but the unfortunate thing for Team Fist is that Tarl's essentially riding the bench this week in taking the forfeit win. That'll hurt in the long run. 2-0 TMF.

Matt Simon vs. Artemus Kurgen: Ballads will be sung for generations regarding this epic battle for the ages: Captain Futility vs. Captain-Can't-Sign-Someone-Who-Will-Show-Up. Yeah, right. This will be the stinker fight of the match. Both duelers are 1-1 in the tournament but when all's said and done, Captain Futility's going to choke. Again. 2-1 TMF.

Teagan Rielea vs. Hina Urimeshi: This is the pivotal duel in the whole matchup, especially if Tarl gets a free victory. Though only a Commoner on the Arena's standings, Hina's 2-0 in the tournament. That shows spunk. Moxy. Gogetemness. Teagan's 2-0 also, but she's fresh off an unsuccessful challenge for a barony. She's either going to be mad or she's going to be sulking and either way, she can't underestimate Hina who may or may not be trying to become the new Aya (and by new, I mean better'someone who, you know, might actually take her non-challenge matches seriously). Who should win" Teagan. Who will win" Hina, because TMF is TMF. Match tied at 2-2. Tasselhofl Momus vs. Gren Blockman: Gren's 2-0 with a shutout victory. Tass is 1-1 with a bumbling loss and a clutch win. Odds are Gren rides the high peaks while Tass returns to stumbling around the ring without direction or purpose. 3-2 RSB.

When All's Said & Done, 3-2 RoShamBo: While I can see Team Fist somehow winning this tournament, I believe they'll follow their norm, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and remaining in their comfort zone of so-close-and-yet-so-far that keeps Team Fist Nation deluded that someday, they might actually win something. As for me, I'll be watching these matchups at the pub, holding a pint in one hand and furiously waving my Crunchem plushie in the other. Huzzah!