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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Ed Batten Totally O.K. With Being Woman July 7, 2011
*According to an urgent report filed by the W.G.A.D. Weekly, Edward Batten " founder and chief officer of munitions, defense and technology manufacturer Batten Industries " would, if put in the situation, do relatively well as a woman.
"All I'm saying is if I were missing my testicles, I would have no problems working my way up to the same position I am now," Batten commented tangentially in an interview Wednesday. "The point is it took a lot of effort to make Batten Industries the way it is."
Sources at the W.G.A.D.W. assert that the interview initially concerned one of B.I.'s new lines of special-utility, state-of-the-art body armors. Once the topic of cross-gendered reflection had been broached, however, the interview's direction became clear.
"Come to think of it, I'd be totally O.K. with being a woman," Batten continued. "I think if I ever became one, I would be one of those empowered women. Like, the kind that goes with her male colleagues to the strip club and isn't threatened."
Added Batten: "Yeah, I'd be like that."
Amidst some of his more controversial declarations, Batten later claimed that he wouldn't mind if he were called pet names by his male friends - or even complete strangers - either.
"I know a lot of women who mind being called "baby' or 'sugar" or things like that. But if I were a woman, I think I would be flattered if that happened to me. I mean' I would definitely be the kind of woman who would take special pride in her appearance. Probably wear very neatly cut, chic designer clothes. Maybe get some highlights " but not the obvious kind. Just some pretty blonde ones that would bring out my eyes and facial features. And if some guy wants to whistle at me or try to cop a feel, I'd consider my beautification efforts a resounding success."
Added Batten gruffly: "Not that I'm into that kind of thing."
Despite the transgression of traditional societal gender mores and regardless that he was asked to get back to topic sixteen times, Batten's tasteful thought process directed the subject of the interview to prominent social issues in RhyDin today.
"If I were a woman, I think women's issues would be a big deal for me," said Batten. "I would probably donate to women's shelters and all-girls schools. Moreover, I think I would use my position at Batten Industries " and I'd be a really good boss, by the way " to empower women to overcome the bonds of chauvinism, sexism, and misogyny. I mean, take all the businesses around RhyDin that are run by women: Black Cat & Yoga, GrangerGuild, and Shanachie just to name a few. Those kinds of success stories are always so inspirational, so I would definitely aspire to be on that level. I think with hard work my feminist sisters and I would extend the power of love and compassion to all of RhyDin, letting it be known that equality, above all, should be the most valuable code of behavior in our society."
Later in the interview Batten asserted that if he ever conceived, he would demand a natural childbirth, because "giving birth is a beautiful, life-changing experience that should not be curbed by ills of modern medicine."
"Not that I mind being a guy, though,? Batten insisted fervently.
This groundbreaking information arrived at the W.G.A.D.W. only this morning by way of one of their expert investigative journalists, who, for security's sake, has published anonymously and gone into hiding. However, once the publication confirmed that the report was, in fact, accurate, it was instantly filed ahead of top-priority news, including coverage of an earthquake that took place in New Haven and killed six hundred.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
Ed Batten Totally O.K. With Being Woman July 7, 2011
*According to an urgent report filed by the W.G.A.D. Weekly, Edward Batten " founder and chief officer of munitions, defense and technology manufacturer Batten Industries " would, if put in the situation, do relatively well as a woman.
"All I'm saying is if I were missing my testicles, I would have no problems working my way up to the same position I am now," Batten commented tangentially in an interview Wednesday. "The point is it took a lot of effort to make Batten Industries the way it is."
Sources at the W.G.A.D.W. assert that the interview initially concerned one of B.I.'s new lines of special-utility, state-of-the-art body armors. Once the topic of cross-gendered reflection had been broached, however, the interview's direction became clear.
"Come to think of it, I'd be totally O.K. with being a woman," Batten continued. "I think if I ever became one, I would be one of those empowered women. Like, the kind that goes with her male colleagues to the strip club and isn't threatened."
Added Batten: "Yeah, I'd be like that."
Amidst some of his more controversial declarations, Batten later claimed that he wouldn't mind if he were called pet names by his male friends - or even complete strangers - either.
"I know a lot of women who mind being called "baby' or 'sugar" or things like that. But if I were a woman, I think I would be flattered if that happened to me. I mean' I would definitely be the kind of woman who would take special pride in her appearance. Probably wear very neatly cut, chic designer clothes. Maybe get some highlights " but not the obvious kind. Just some pretty blonde ones that would bring out my eyes and facial features. And if some guy wants to whistle at me or try to cop a feel, I'd consider my beautification efforts a resounding success."
Added Batten gruffly: "Not that I'm into that kind of thing."
Despite the transgression of traditional societal gender mores and regardless that he was asked to get back to topic sixteen times, Batten's tasteful thought process directed the subject of the interview to prominent social issues in RhyDin today.
"If I were a woman, I think women's issues would be a big deal for me," said Batten. "I would probably donate to women's shelters and all-girls schools. Moreover, I think I would use my position at Batten Industries " and I'd be a really good boss, by the way " to empower women to overcome the bonds of chauvinism, sexism, and misogyny. I mean, take all the businesses around RhyDin that are run by women: Black Cat & Yoga, GrangerGuild, and Shanachie just to name a few. Those kinds of success stories are always so inspirational, so I would definitely aspire to be on that level. I think with hard work my feminist sisters and I would extend the power of love and compassion to all of RhyDin, letting it be known that equality, above all, should be the most valuable code of behavior in our society."
Later in the interview Batten asserted that if he ever conceived, he would demand a natural childbirth, because "giving birth is a beautiful, life-changing experience that should not be curbed by ills of modern medicine."
"Not that I mind being a guy, though,? Batten insisted fervently.
This groundbreaking information arrived at the W.G.A.D.W. only this morning by way of one of their expert investigative journalists, who, for security's sake, has published anonymously and gone into hiding. However, once the publication confirmed that the report was, in fact, accurate, it was instantly filed ahead of top-priority news, including coverage of an earthquake that took place in New Haven and killed six hundred.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.