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Junior Columnist: Carrie Michaels
Eighty Things I Learned in RhyDin June 30, 2011
1. Every single condition in RhyDin is reversible, including death, which is only ever temporary.
2. Everyone in RhyDin is somehow distantly related to royalty. Also, Kevin Bacon.
3. Sprays of gunfire are like rain: a harmless temporary setback that will end if you wait long enough.
4. For every person in RhyDin, there is an infinite number of dimensions that he/she can rule.
5. Related: "Alternate dimension' is another way of saying 'imaginary world."
6. There is no such thing as liver failure.
7. The extra lunar pull generated by RhyDin's multiple moons prevents unwanted sagging.
8. Redheads are predisposed to magic.
9. Superheroes exist, and most still haven't found a more durable material than spandex.
10. Relationships only last as long as they are in peril.
11. Apparently, the amount of skin women reveal correlates positively with their personality.
12. Virtually every vampire is a business tycoon, and those that aren't want to be.
13. When entering into a contract with G"nort, always, always read the fine print.
14. Bars are always staffed with the best healers.
15. All healers are women.
16. The words 'school" and "cult' are interchangeable.
17. Marriage is a mathematical certainty, even for the sulkiest jerks. Actually, more so for the sulkiest jerks.
18. Liquor is safer than water.
19. If no part of a man's wardrobe is black, he is shunned.
20. Space freighters and shuttles never collide in small spaces, nor do they need traffic or docking control.
21. A person can always receive mail, even without an address.
22. Duelists utilize the Wards. Everyone else is content to bleed to death on a tavern floor.
23. The Red Dragon Inn has an infinite number of rooms.
24. RDI rooms are soundproof and bulletproof.
25. Everyone in RhyDin has an inherent fundamental knowledge of martial arts.
26. When it isn't politics, the topic of conversation is almost always male genitalia.
27. No matter the subject, there will always be someone you can find in RhyDin who has extensive knowledge of it.
28. Shouting out your moves makes them more effective.
29. Despite the thousands of worlds RhyDinians emigrate from, absolutely everyone speaks Common.
30. If your name begins with an "A,? someone will inevitably try to kill you.
31. If you have an accent, someone will inevitably try to kill you.
32. If they tried to kill you in the past, they will either A) Try again, or B) Become your friend and/or fall in love with you.
33. If your name begins with a vowel, chances are you are rich.
34. Not only can all animals talk, but their default obsession is sex.
35. Bars double as excellent daycare.
36. A feather stands as good a chance as any against an axe in a dueling ring.
37. Likewise, a handful of spare change is capable of staving off a dragon attack.
38. All sinister people drink out of a goblet.
39. Skullsplitter Ale tastes better while watching skulls split.
40. Despite RhyDin being generally enormous, most incidents and encounters take place in the span of two city blocks.
41. Even after leaving a pool, makeup need never be reapplied.
42. If you are in any way cybernetic, at some point in your life you fought crime.
43. Blackmail is a four-letter word.
44. All bleeding time is approximately two seconds, and blood loss only ever amounts to exactly as much as is needed to drench clothing.
45. One night spent in the hospital is usually enough to cure just about anything.
46. All weapons in RhyDin have infinite ammo.
47. If you can imagine it in some capacity, it exists somewhere.
48. Death of a spouse is more common and convenient than divorce.
49. Four-legged things don't poop.
50. If you have a sibling, chances are he/she will visit you at some point in your life to kill you or ask you for help killing someone.
51. Short people will often be hazardous to your health.
52. When shot at, suits of armor always sustain more damage than actual clothing does.
53. There is always somewhere to keep a roll of gold or coppers.
54. Likewise, there is always somewhere to keep a gun.
55. Lycans always make better lovers.
56. If you smoke, you are more likely to become the target of an assassination.
57. Most beautiful women are empaths.
58. Dancing and play-acting is more lucrative than drug dealing.
59. Locker rooms in the dueling venues are actually space-time rifts. The same goes for women's closets.
60. A meteor shower is avoidable as long as you take two steps to the left.
61. All teenagers are only ever one year away from being legal.
62. Designer clothing outlets receive more business than grocery stores.
63. One private eye is more reliable than fifty Watch officers.
64. In dueling, rookies always stand a chance against established champions.
65. Hair does not grow.
66. Cars and businesses routinely burst into flames.
67. Look hard enough; there is always going to be someone willing to pay for you.
68. Anything important that you have to acquire will inevitably be in WestEnd.
69. The most repulsive-looking people are usually the nicest. Likewise, the prettiest ones will probably kill you at some point.
70. For every imaginable cause, there is always a mob to match it.
71. Aging stops after forty.
72. All criminal dealings take place in a booth or a strip club.
73. If you own a business, at some point it will be threatened or targeted.
74. All thieves have a heart of gold.
75. Everywhere in RhyDin is reachable in the span of five minutes.
76. Penguins are better weapons than AK-47's.
77. The ruder and/or the more lecherous you are, the better you are at fighting.
78. No matter who died there last night, RDI sounds like a good place to hang out.
79. Cell phones always conveniently go off whenever you feel like leaving.
80. Not noticing something is the best way not to die.
Eighty Things I Learned in RhyDin June 30, 2011
1. Every single condition in RhyDin is reversible, including death, which is only ever temporary.
2. Everyone in RhyDin is somehow distantly related to royalty. Also, Kevin Bacon.
3. Sprays of gunfire are like rain: a harmless temporary setback that will end if you wait long enough.
4. For every person in RhyDin, there is an infinite number of dimensions that he/she can rule.
5. Related: "Alternate dimension' is another way of saying 'imaginary world."
6. There is no such thing as liver failure.
7. The extra lunar pull generated by RhyDin's multiple moons prevents unwanted sagging.
8. Redheads are predisposed to magic.
9. Superheroes exist, and most still haven't found a more durable material than spandex.
10. Relationships only last as long as they are in peril.
11. Apparently, the amount of skin women reveal correlates positively with their personality.
12. Virtually every vampire is a business tycoon, and those that aren't want to be.
13. When entering into a contract with G"nort, always, always read the fine print.
14. Bars are always staffed with the best healers.
15. All healers are women.
16. The words 'school" and "cult' are interchangeable.
17. Marriage is a mathematical certainty, even for the sulkiest jerks. Actually, more so for the sulkiest jerks.
18. Liquor is safer than water.
19. If no part of a man's wardrobe is black, he is shunned.
20. Space freighters and shuttles never collide in small spaces, nor do they need traffic or docking control.
21. A person can always receive mail, even without an address.
22. Duelists utilize the Wards. Everyone else is content to bleed to death on a tavern floor.
23. The Red Dragon Inn has an infinite number of rooms.
24. RDI rooms are soundproof and bulletproof.
25. Everyone in RhyDin has an inherent fundamental knowledge of martial arts.
26. When it isn't politics, the topic of conversation is almost always male genitalia.
27. No matter the subject, there will always be someone you can find in RhyDin who has extensive knowledge of it.
28. Shouting out your moves makes them more effective.
29. Despite the thousands of worlds RhyDinians emigrate from, absolutely everyone speaks Common.
30. If your name begins with an "A,? someone will inevitably try to kill you.
31. If you have an accent, someone will inevitably try to kill you.
32. If they tried to kill you in the past, they will either A) Try again, or B) Become your friend and/or fall in love with you.
33. If your name begins with a vowel, chances are you are rich.
34. Not only can all animals talk, but their default obsession is sex.
35. Bars double as excellent daycare.
36. A feather stands as good a chance as any against an axe in a dueling ring.
37. Likewise, a handful of spare change is capable of staving off a dragon attack.
38. All sinister people drink out of a goblet.
39. Skullsplitter Ale tastes better while watching skulls split.
40. Despite RhyDin being generally enormous, most incidents and encounters take place in the span of two city blocks.
41. Even after leaving a pool, makeup need never be reapplied.
42. If you are in any way cybernetic, at some point in your life you fought crime.
43. Blackmail is a four-letter word.
44. All bleeding time is approximately two seconds, and blood loss only ever amounts to exactly as much as is needed to drench clothing.
45. One night spent in the hospital is usually enough to cure just about anything.
46. All weapons in RhyDin have infinite ammo.
47. If you can imagine it in some capacity, it exists somewhere.
48. Death of a spouse is more common and convenient than divorce.
49. Four-legged things don't poop.
50. If you have a sibling, chances are he/she will visit you at some point in your life to kill you or ask you for help killing someone.
51. Short people will often be hazardous to your health.
52. When shot at, suits of armor always sustain more damage than actual clothing does.
53. There is always somewhere to keep a roll of gold or coppers.
54. Likewise, there is always somewhere to keep a gun.
55. Lycans always make better lovers.
56. If you smoke, you are more likely to become the target of an assassination.
57. Most beautiful women are empaths.
58. Dancing and play-acting is more lucrative than drug dealing.
59. Locker rooms in the dueling venues are actually space-time rifts. The same goes for women's closets.
60. A meteor shower is avoidable as long as you take two steps to the left.
61. All teenagers are only ever one year away from being legal.
62. Designer clothing outlets receive more business than grocery stores.
63. One private eye is more reliable than fifty Watch officers.
64. In dueling, rookies always stand a chance against established champions.
65. Hair does not grow.
66. Cars and businesses routinely burst into flames.
67. Look hard enough; there is always going to be someone willing to pay for you.
68. Anything important that you have to acquire will inevitably be in WestEnd.
69. The most repulsive-looking people are usually the nicest. Likewise, the prettiest ones will probably kill you at some point.
70. For every imaginable cause, there is always a mob to match it.
71. Aging stops after forty.
72. All criminal dealings take place in a booth or a strip club.
73. If you own a business, at some point it will be threatened or targeted.
74. All thieves have a heart of gold.
75. Everywhere in RhyDin is reachable in the span of five minutes.
76. Penguins are better weapons than AK-47's.
77. The ruder and/or the more lecherous you are, the better you are at fighting.
78. No matter who died there last night, RDI sounds like a good place to hang out.
79. Cell phones always conveniently go off whenever you feel like leaving.
80. Not noticing something is the best way not to die.