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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Everyone But Target Dead in Tragically Ironic Assassination Attempt September 14, 2011
*In an unforeseen turn of events, all but one person in RhyDin was murdered last night in the Red Dragon Inn during an assassination attempt gone violently, albeit ironically, wrong.
At approximately eleven PM RST the common room of the famous tavern and lodge lit up with gunfire, killing nearly everyone within. The sole survivor, Brandon Yole, was conveniently in the bathroom when the attack transpired. Yole reportedly had excused himself from the bar and his party around ten fifty-five, claiming that temperamental bowel and bladder issues were to be the source of his brief absence. After several moments of urinary evacuation and prolonged hand washing, Yole returned later to find the entire Inn ruined and everyone in RhyDin dead.
"I almost wish it hadn't been falafel night," Yole told the W.G.A.D. Weekly in an interview today. "If it hadn't been, absolutely every single person in RhyDin wouldn't have been spending their evening at the Red Dragon Inn. But then again, if it hadn't been I might not have had to pee at that exact moment. Because you know it can make you do that, even if you are dehydrated. The falafel, I mean. Not the dead people, though I guess that would do it too."
Added Yole: "My incontinence saved my life."
Authorities allege that for the past few weeks speculation has risen that when he was not being verbally threatened Yole was being targeted by big-name corporations in assassination attempts. Two confirmed failures took place last week, first when Yole bent over to retrieve a copper from the ground and later to tie his shoe. In either case, suspects of the attempts evaded capture and fled the scene. Last night, two men matching those suspects" descriptions were also found dead, giving weight to the theory that the tragedy may have been a result of two simultaneously scheduled assassinations, but there are no witnesses alive left to verify this conjecture.
"It's not my fault, you know," Yole admitted. "People here really often seem to just want people dead. I'm just one of the lucky ones who was born with a small bladder."
Added Yole later: "Falafel" I think there's still some left."
In related news, forensic scientists analyzing the scene suggest that every single person in RhyDin might not have died if they were not 'so freaking obsessed with looking selflessly heroic.?
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
Everyone But Target Dead in Tragically Ironic Assassination Attempt September 14, 2011
*In an unforeseen turn of events, all but one person in RhyDin was murdered last night in the Red Dragon Inn during an assassination attempt gone violently, albeit ironically, wrong.
At approximately eleven PM RST the common room of the famous tavern and lodge lit up with gunfire, killing nearly everyone within. The sole survivor, Brandon Yole, was conveniently in the bathroom when the attack transpired. Yole reportedly had excused himself from the bar and his party around ten fifty-five, claiming that temperamental bowel and bladder issues were to be the source of his brief absence. After several moments of urinary evacuation and prolonged hand washing, Yole returned later to find the entire Inn ruined and everyone in RhyDin dead.
"I almost wish it hadn't been falafel night," Yole told the W.G.A.D. Weekly in an interview today. "If it hadn't been, absolutely every single person in RhyDin wouldn't have been spending their evening at the Red Dragon Inn. But then again, if it hadn't been I might not have had to pee at that exact moment. Because you know it can make you do that, even if you are dehydrated. The falafel, I mean. Not the dead people, though I guess that would do it too."
Added Yole: "My incontinence saved my life."
Authorities allege that for the past few weeks speculation has risen that when he was not being verbally threatened Yole was being targeted by big-name corporations in assassination attempts. Two confirmed failures took place last week, first when Yole bent over to retrieve a copper from the ground and later to tie his shoe. In either case, suspects of the attempts evaded capture and fled the scene. Last night, two men matching those suspects" descriptions were also found dead, giving weight to the theory that the tragedy may have been a result of two simultaneously scheduled assassinations, but there are no witnesses alive left to verify this conjecture.
"It's not my fault, you know," Yole admitted. "People here really often seem to just want people dead. I'm just one of the lucky ones who was born with a small bladder."
Added Yole later: "Falafel" I think there's still some left."
In related news, forensic scientists analyzing the scene suggest that every single person in RhyDin might not have died if they were not 'so freaking obsessed with looking selflessly heroic.?
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.