Topic: Fantasy Dueling League: Oakenshield vs. Eludes

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-11-10 15:01 EST
RhyDin Sports

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/57423440.jpg Sports Columnist: Peter Pham

Fantasy Dueling League: Oakenshield vs. Eludes November 10, 2010

Attention RhyDin:

Recorded copies of the Fantasy Dueling League match between Jeffrey Oakenshield and Tormay Eludes are now available for purchase at the RhyDin Post for eight dollars or five copper. Please make check or money orders payable to the Post, and include your name and mailing address on the request form. Footage is available in dvd or holodisk form, and includes commentary by everyone's favorite Sports Guy Peter Pham, and retired dueler Chris Reed. Shipping and handling fees not included in price of purchase.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-11-10 15:09 EST
- The RhyDin Post's black and gold logo flashes with an epic, orchestrated introduction theme. The logo spirals off the screen to reveal a dazzling new venue. A wide, sweeping panoramic introductory shot includes the entirety of the RhyDin Sports Center Hall of Fame: glossy, black granite floors; blindingly white walls, laden with hundreds of plaques, pictures, medals, and projected images of famous dueling legends; freestanding trophy cases; wax sculptures of past Overlords; even to-scale models of the various stages of dueling venue renovations and likenesses of each of the magical Towers hover intermittently on ceramic plateaus, lit with specialized spotlights. There in the middle of the hall stand two men holding stapled sheets of paper. To the left (Peter Pham) is in his early thirties, of Asian ethnicity, has gelled black hair, and is in a black suit and gold tie. To the right (Chris Reed) is of Caucasian ethnicity with dark brown hair, is in his late thirties, is wearing a black suit and pale blue tie, and has a vertical scar running down one side of his face. Both men are noticeably lacking in their headsets, but have tiny microphones attached to their ties. They smile at the camera. -

Peter: How's it going, RhyDin" I'm Peter Pham, sports columnist!

Chris: And I'm Chris Reed, and I still don't see why my picture isn't on these walls.

Peter: Thank you for tuning in to our special anniversary edition of the RhyDin Sports Center historical would-be fight coverage. As you can see, we have the wonderful privilege tonight of acknowledging the legacies of some of RhyDin's greatest dueling competitors. And in honor of the Sports Center's newest renovation, we have been invited to host an honorary "match" to celebrate one of our favorite veterans.

Chris: That's right, Petey. We're totally taking the Fantasy Dueling League to a new level with this particular segment, by pairing up two fighters that in any other circumstances would not have a chance to face each other.

Peter: Through the brilliance of technology, we have been able to construct a suppositional, abstract match between a famous dueling great and a present Baron.

Chris: Suppositional" Abstract' Just say it, Pete. It's a pretend match.

Peter: Well it's a little bit more than that, Chris. A lot of work was put into programming the A.I.'s combative algorithms based on extensive dueling records and former footage.

Chris: Who's taking bets that this thing is going to crash"

Peter: It's not going to crash, Chris. It's a very advanced piece of equipment, and has gone through rigorous testing.

Chris: It's also channeling Jeff Oakenshield. And let's face it, Pete. There is no substitute for Jeff Oakenshield. Any impersonators ought to be splattered with Spaghetti-O's, paraded naked through the streets, and publicly humiliated. Not necessarily in that order.

Peter: You stole my line.

Chris: What' The parading naked part' Well gee, Pete, talk about too much information.

Peter: No, the introduction part. I was supposed to introduce Jeff. You were going to introduce his opponent.

Chris: We flipped a coin over this!

Peter: Yes we did, and I won. What does the prompter say' It says "Peter."

Chris: Just another reason why I hate technology. Well, I guess you may as well introduce Tormay, then.

Peter: - Letting out a frustrated sigh. - You just did.

Chris: Oh, did I" Whoops. - Gives the camera an amused grin. -

Peter: Well, as my tactless colleague has already unsatisfactorily mentioned, the fight tonight we have decided to design for you is, in fact, a hypothetical match between dueling legend Jeffrey Oakenshield, and now-Baron Tormay Eludes. Now what makes this match so interesting is the fact that Eludes's parent, Topaz, was taking up arms right about the time Oakenshield was making history. So you can imagine that Eludes got quite a bit of exposure to Oakenshield's fighting style, being around the dueling venues so much.

Chris: In fact, we have some footage right here of our interview with Baron Eludes, right after he signed the contract of agreement with us.

- Roll footage, personal interview. -

Eludes: "Just looking at the histories you know that Jeff is an amazing duelist. You don't win that much being ok or decent. But seeing him fight is another thing altogether. Growing up, he was one of my favorites to watch because you could tell he knew exactly what was going on and how to control the match."

-Thoughtful pause. -

Eludes: "The only bad thing about him' He isn't cute."

- End footage. -

Chris: I doubt being cute is one of the criteria for being a good fighter. Case in point: Kalamere. ZING!

Peter: You are so going to get hell for that.

Chris: What's he going to do' Reach through the camera and stab me"

Peter: You'd be amazed at what people can do with technology. And speaking of, let's not let the people wait any longer, shall we" Let's launch this thing.

Chris: About dang time. I need to sit down. - Leans on the Tower of Earth display and stumbles as it wobbles, then falls over. -

Peter: Please don't break the displays, Chris.

Chris: Ah, well" It's not like D'Artainian will notice. He'd probably consider it an improvement.

- Roll footage, Round 1 and 2. HC/LC 1 All; FSS/FSS 1 All.-

Oakenshield: Slicing into a bit of Tormay's shins. Shakes his head, muttering. "Fergot ta read me script."

Eludes: Stays light on his feet as he steps in, slices high, and slips to the side, just not fast enough to avoid the low attack.

Oakenshield: "Bye now." Deftly steps aside.

Eludes: Dances aside, not letting his opponent get away. "Hello again." Grinning the whole while.

Chris: Well it's not like Oakenshield earned the highest ever wins-over-losses record by standing around looking pretty.

Peter: If by that circuitous comment you are referring to Oakenshield's notoriously forward onslaught method, then yes, absolutely. In all of the fights we analyzed, seventy-one percent of them included a first round score by Oakenshield. He doesn't waste time. He gets in, gets out, and wins.

Chris: So theoretically if this were happening, you have to imagine that Eludes would already be pretty intimidated. Though I have to give it to the guy for trying to take a legend's head off in the first round.

Peter: Truthfully speaking, going high is probably one of the best ways to gauge an opponent's speed initially. Depending on how slowly or quickly it takes for them to respond with a counter or a defense, a fighter can then gauge the reaction time and clock his moves much more effectively for the rest of the match.

- End footage Round 2. Roll footage, Round 3 and 4. TH/DIS 1-1.5 Oakenshield; FCP/TH 2-1.5 Eludes. -

Oakenshield: Snickers. "Oh I'm good, I'm very good. I'll sign yer sword fer ya after da match."

Eludes: Lunges in and frowns as he can't quite get the tag. Doesn't retreat to set up, even as Jeff comes in, and instead steps in closer, parrying the thrust aside and throwing his shoulder into Jeff.

Chris: Youch! Eludes wastes no time in giving it to the geezer!

Peter: Chris! That's awfully rude.

Chris: Pardon me. Youthfully deficient.

Peter: That's no better.

Chris: Age-ically challenged"

Peter: Oakenshield is not necessarily old here; as evidenced by his fleeted footing. The folly here, however, lies in the fact that normally Oakenshield waits" waited"

Chris: Are we supposed to use the present or the past tense here"

Peter: That's a very good question.

Chris: I have a solution. Waitsed.

Peter: " until the last possible second to utilize his thrust - a feat in and of itself with a battle-axe. But here, he thrusts pretty early in the match.

Chris: I'll call it like I see it, Pete. Oakenshield was never someone to fool around. Sure, he taunted the youngsters, but he always put them in their place pronto. Man I miss that cheeky bastard.

Peter: Chris!

Chris: What' There is nothing wrong with "cheeky."

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-11-10 15:15 EST
- End footage Round 4. Roll footage, Round 5 and 6. HC/HC 2-1.5 Eludes; LC/FCP 2-2.5 Oakenshield. -

Oakenshield: Pulling back the battle axe and shaking out the sting running up his arms. "Creativity is so overrated."

Eludes: Meets the attack head on but is forced to step back as they clash. "I'll keep that in mind..." Cuts right into the defense. "Tsk."

Chris: Oh guh-hoooorgeous. I tell you what, Pete. Nothing makes me happier than seeing Oakenshield (theoretically) in action again. His name on a scoreboard makes me" makes me" - His voice goes husky. - All choked up.

Peter: Don't hurt yourself there, Chris.

Chris: It's okay' - Voice getting more and more strained. - I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

Peter: I find it hilarious, however, that we have these words on file coming from Oakenshield, because if anything, this man' dwarf" was the epitome of creativity in dueling.

Chris: It's really true, come to think of it. It's not often you see a high-end so artfully manipulated into a flawless parry. He doesn't even take his axe off Eludes's blade. Won't even give him an inch.

Peter: Oakenshield has seen enough wins over losses to know better than to fall for an average bookend.

Chris: Four-hundred of them to be exact.

- End footage Round 6. Roll footage, Round 7 and 8. HC/LC 3-3.5 Oakenshield; SH/FCP 3-3.5 Oakenshield. -

Oakenshield: Grumbles about barons and their need to be pummeled.

Eludes: Flips the blade and goes for a third cut, this time ending up with a trade. Holds back as he tries to find an opening.

Oakenshield: Chuckles. "Yeah, ye shoulda slashed."

Chris: So should he. And that's another thing I loved about Oakenshield, Pete. He was one of the very few duelists who knew how and when to execute a slashing maneuver. But G'nort has them all running scared these days from creative swordsmanship, and it ticks me off.

Peter: Gee, Chris. Tell us how you really feel.

Chris: All I'm saying is I'd like to see people take some more risks these days. You don't get anywhere in a stabbing competition by playing it safe.

- End footage Round 8. Roll footage, Round 9 and 10. TH/TH 4-4.5 Oakenshield; LC/SS 5-4.5 Eludes. -

Eludes: Gambles and the lunge and gets another trade. It hurts, but the pain doesn't show, only a grin. Stays in close, slicing low to catch Jeff before he can get away.

Peter: You know, I've been a sports commentator and columnist for six years, and I still never get tired of the double impalement.

Chris: Don't you mean IMP-alement"

Peter: Now that he's not Overlord, the phrase is trademarked and copyrighted again. You now owe the Little Shop of Horrors and the owners ten gold.

Chris: Hey, that's not so bad.

Peter: Each.

Chris: Aw, crap. There goes my next spending spree.

Peter: I have to say, though, I absolutely love Eludes's resilience, here. He takes advantage of the trade, and against all odds spends Round 9 looking for openings. Then, as Oakenshield recovers, he trips him up effectively.

Chris: Can't make mistakes when you're a legend, Pete. Legends don't make mistakes. I'm sure he has something else up his theoretical sleeve.

- End footage Round 10. Roll footage Round 11 and 12. FLP/SL 5-5.5 Oakenshield; FSS/TH 6-5.5 Eludes. -

Oakenshield: Slices down from left to right. "Ouch, dat had ta hurt some..."

Eludes: Shifts into defense and gets caught by the slash. Slowly gets up after that and frowns as he tries to regain his stance. But just because he seems out of it from the big hit a moment ago, it doesn't mean he is dead weight. Staying light on his feet, he spins away from the lunge. "I'm not just going to let you hit me..."

Oakenshield: "Punk. Dodgin' after parries."

Chris: Man! A shame this match is theoretical, because if it weren't it would really make Eludes's reputation shine. Boy howdy is he holding his own here.

Peter: I'll have to agree with you there, Chris. He's quick in this scenario, and realistically speaking when you pit Eludes's stats against Oakenshield's, he does have the upper hand in terms of speed.

Chris: But Oakenshield will always have it in creativity and brute strength. I mean look at that slash, Pete! That is a beautiful slash. Not many duelists can land a beautiful slash like that.

Peter: There is a reason Oakenshield is venerated, after all. I have to admit I'd be pretty reluctant to sign my name up against someone like him, even if it is just in theory.

Chris: Yeah, you can say that again. I'm reading the contract of agreement Tormay signed with us for this segment. You know right here it says he promises the RhyDin Post his soul, his first born, and all his toenail clippings for the next eight years"

Peter: That's not funny, Chris.

Chris: You think I'm kidding.

Peter: Of course I think you're" - Long pause. - Well I'll be. So it does.

Chris: I guess you should really read the fine print on some of these things.

- End footage Round 12. Roll footage, Round 13, 14, and 15. DU/DIS 6-5.5 Eludes; TH/TH 7-6.5 Eludes; LC/HC 8-7.5 Eludes. -

Eludes: Lowers his weight, almost taking a knee, as he watches Jeff back off.

Oakenshield: Shakes off the hit, and kerthwaps .

Chris: Well I do have to say I love how it ended just as it began, but disengaging that late in a fight' Glitch. GLIIIIITCH!

Peter: The technology isn't perfect, Chris. We gave it our best shot. And to be honest, it was rather exciting to see what a real match between Baron Eludes and the famous Jeff Oakenshield would look like.

- Camera returns to the Hall of Fame, where Chris is barely managing to hold up several framed photographs and plaques. -

Peter: On behalf of all of us at the Post, we would like to take this opportunity to thank our sponsors, to thank the Baron participating, and most of all, we'd like to thank all of you for maintaining such a strong interest in the duels. This month being National Dueling Month, we encourage all of you to get out there and get as many duels in as you possibly can. The Post would like to award an honorary plaque to whomever accumulates the most matches before December. So win or lose, if you duel exceptionally often this month, please write us.

Chris: Also! The RhyDin Sports Center Hall of Fame has undergone a new renovation in celebration of this month and has added several new displays to their archives, so make a point to get your butts over here to New Haven and check it out. As you can see from where we're standing, it is way awesome, and best of all, free!

Peter: We'd also like to mention that we love hearing from you. So if you feel like writing us some words, or even feel like sharing a few dueling stories with us or talking about some of your favorite legends, don't hesitate to. We read every one of your letters.

Chris: Pete, my arms are getting tired.

Peter: Oh, right. Also, in honor of Jeff Oakenshield, we'll be selling these framed action shots of him from a match with Sartan back in '95. And just for fun, we'll include a photoshopped still-frame of the fight we featured today with Baron Eludes.

Chris: Ugh. 1995.

Peter: Bad memories there"

Chris: I blacked out about a decade thereabouts. That was the time I spent idolizing Elijah. Now there is a part of my life I'd like to have back pronto.

Peter: Well that does it for us for now, folks. Once again, we'd like to thank you to for taking the time to watch us, and remember to get out there, duel, and support your fellow duelists. These sports aren't just sports, but a way of life.

Chris: Can we wrap it up, Pete" My arms are seriously about to fall off.

Peter: And just remember, folks - sports do not build character; they reveal it. That does it for us here at the Post. I'm Peter Pham!

Chris: And I'm Chris Reed!

Peter: You stay sporty, RhyDin!

- Blackout. Voices still continue.-

Chris: That was absolutely beautiful, Pete.

Peter: You're going to drop those things. Here, give them to me.

Chris: Hey, Pete? You know the computer is smoking.

Peter: It's what? Oh, wow! The hardware must be failing. Chris, don't touch that, or you'll get electro—

- A loud thud, a crash, and a sigh sounds. End tape. -