http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Hormone Frenzy: The Week in Review! April 10, 2011

I don't know WHAT happened to the water, RhyDin, but apparently lately the city has been run amuck with kids and teenagers. That's right. Teenagers. Because what RhyDin really needs is MORE hormonally-charged sex-maniacs. Was Dris's private stash of adult beverages distributed" Did Lang flash people and scare them into regression' Did Icer sneeze on everyone" What. Happened"! Because I will tell you what, RhyDin. Nothing sucked more for me than being a teenager with flaccid muscles and no access to the blessed miracle of alcohol when it comes to picking up women. Ahem. Not that I need that anymore, of course. But seriously, now. While my curiosity is often piqued wondering what some RhyDinians would be like earlier in their lives, I really can do without under-aged tweens hitting on over-aged perverts. Use your brains to get things, kids. Using your boobs comes later.

Clearly this was not on the agenda during Lilliana's shift on Wednesday, where the environment reeked of some horrible sweet sixteen party without parents around. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for young love! But there is something terribly wrong when your wife is suddenly giving you the finger and has become a royal pain in the you-know-what. Oh. And she does all this while macking on other, younger guys. I swear, it's like a mid-life crisis only' not. Apparently at some point during Lilli's shift, what seemed to be a younger version of Niamh (or her hot younger sister. What' I'm human) appeared to make out with a younger version of Vinny (and no disrespect, but I don't honestly know how he lived through high school). Brishen apparently took all this in stride, but my heart goes out to him. He had to be seriously confused that night' along with everyone else.

And boy were we confused. Especially when Vinny miraculously grew up again and Stephen and Diana were seen later talking about mundane things. That's right, folks. Vinny grew up juuuust in time to escort the ever-flirtatious Sivanna outdoors. You think she's trying to set some kind of record with marital infidelity' Oh, and" Um' hello' Stephen and Diana chatting about daily chores" This is Stephen we're talking about. He should have stories about how he wrestled some dragon because he wanted to see if its saliva really smelled as bad as his armpits. Is it just me, or is Diana taming the heck out of him' Run, Stephen! Run for your life!

And go figure! In the presence of so many hormones, Eless was all a-smiles with some good-looking new bloke named Lucas. Alright, alright. I'll admit Eless didn't seem to be flirting that heavily with this new guy, but the way she's headed a month from now the oil exuded out of her pores will become some kind of aphrodisiac. As for Lucas: This one we're actually going to keep our eye on, because he seems pretty levelheaded and has an entertaining sense of humor that is actually not sleazy - truly a feat in this town. While my sources haven't pinpointed his tastes just yet, we do have unsubstantiated rumors that he might have been exceptionally interested in a dangerous-looking babe named Madion. Careful there, Lucas. In RhyDin, all the aggression usually isn't just for show.

I will give the maybe-Lilliana this much! Though the nightmarish sweet sixteen was, in fact, nightmarish, it did manage to smoke out a few familiar faces that we don't get to see all that often. Of the DeAusters making appearances lately, Lucius certainly seemed the least likely (seeing as he's a little bit of a private person). But wouldn't you know it, he and one or two of his crowd were out and about that night and when they weren't deep in personal conversation actually looked to be having a good time! There's a brain I wouldn't mind picking for a day. I feel like Lucius is one of those folks who everyone kind of knows in passing and would be genuinely surprised to learn of the things he's done in his life. If I had some better collateral, I just might suggest a book deal to the man!

Earlier in the week, that same redheaded teenager that looked strangely like Lilliana was also spotted parading her assets in front of none other than DIRK. AHH! Dirk is back" When did this happen" How many limbs would I have to sacrifice to have lunch with him and have him regale me with tales of his adventures and misadventures" When he was spotted again, it was in the classic Dirk fashion. That is, when he wasn't being a gloriously wonderful bastard he was being insulted or he was offering alcohol to minors. " Which they accepted. My sources inform me that when Ammy was supervising a cute little thing she let her have a beer. That's right. Give their alcoholism a head start, that way they'll blend RIGHT in when they are eighteen. Look" I realize Ammy isn't exactly parent of the year award type of material, but if they are too young to tie their own shoes, they are too young to be drinking!

Did I eat too many makers yesterday, or was Viki spotted in the Inn" I feel like I've stepped back in time several years but have still managed to keep my ruggedly sculpted exterior. Indeed my sources inform me that Viki and Everett were exchanging pleasantries and sonnets like no one ever left or nothing traumatizing ever happened Sunday night. As for what transpired next, I really can't decide if I am positively thrilled or apprehensive. Just as Everett was introducing Juliane to Viki (he and Juliane were holding hands! Cue the "aww"s!), Everett suddenly seemed rightly upset about seeing someone. As for who it was, we can't tell you because some stupid people couldn't see more than the back of that someone's head. This is why we need 360-degree cameras at all areas of the Inn. That idea almost went over at our last meeting" and then the Kidds took a fancy to swinging on ropes from the ceiling. Anyway. No word yet about what the deal was between Everett, Juliane, and mystery man, but I assure you my sources will not sleep or eat until they find out.

When there isn't serious hormonal action, there be serious drama in this place" followed by more serious hormonal action (but of a different kind). It seems Fio's motherly side emerged this past week after a tense-looking conversation with Harper and yet another person who - I can at least tell you - has a very pretty back of the head. I swear I will starve my interns until I get real details! But anyway! When Fio interacted with a little girl she didn't seem to know running rampant she definitely kicked into protective mode and offered to take her home. I would have an "aww" moment if I weren't concerned about a complete stranger offering a kid a ride. Still, the ferocious Fio has definitely thawed since baby Raza. When can we expect addition number two"

So it seems like my suggestions did not reach Rook or Arlin on any level whatsoever, no matter how I tried to transmit mental vibes towards them. When they were spotted on Tuesday with a tomboy-ish cutie named Tresa they were still talking about work. We get it! You do spacey-military-piloty stuff. But don't you have any other hobbies" Seriously, RhyDin. Can you envision trying to build a relationship when work is the only thing you have in common' I expect the same techno-junk gets boring to talk about after a while, anyway. I mean' can you imagine if you and your S.O. worked in the same office, and all you had to talk about was how they ran out of paperclips" Those two definitely need to join an intramural or see a concert or something if they expect their relationship to GO anywhere. I will not be held responsible for when they start talking about paperclips!

That's all for now! Stay sassy, RhyDin!