RhyDin Sports

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/57423440.jpg Sports Columnist: Peter Pham

IceDancer and ShadoWeaver Challenges: February 18 February 21, 2011

Attention RhyDin:

Recorded copies of the Duel of Fists challenges between Opal Mathew Simon and Tasslehofl Momus, and Opal Koyliak VanDuran-Simon and Pslyder are now available for purchase at the RhyDin Post for eight dollars or five copper. Please make check or money orders payable to the Post, and include your name and mailing address on the request form. Footage is available in dvd or holodisk form, and includes commentary by everyone's favorite Sports Guy Peter Pham and retired dueler Chris Reed. Shipping and handling fees not included in price of purchase.

Views of those interviewed are not representative of the views of the RhyDin Post.

- Fade in again to sportscasters in a noisy Outback, seated ringside on a pair of stools and wearing headsets. -

Peter: How's it going, RhyDin" I'm Peter Pham, sports columnist!

Chris: - Keeps looking away from the camera and at something else. - And I'm Chris Reed, and I am so in love right now.

Peter: Tonight we're pleased to bring you a classic, once-in-a-lifetime double-header! Matt Simon versus Tasslehofl Momus, and Koyliak VanDuran-Simon versus Pslyder!

Chris: That's Double-Dragon versus Simon and Simon, Pete. Get it right.

Peter: Because we're limited with cameras this evening, we'll only be covering one match at a time, as availability permits. VanDuran-Simon and the fight for ShadoWeaver will be first. Any thoughts on the upcoming first match, Chris"

- Footage of Koy and Psly warming up. Koy is dressed in a very short, form-fitting dress. -

Chris: Only that I don't see how that babe can move, let alone fight in that thing. Are we anticipating a wardrobe malfunction, here"

- Cheering erupts. Camera swings to Koy and Psly who are now inside the ring. -

Pslyder: "Y'ready fer this, petit?"

VanDuran-Simon: "Let's make it brutal."

Peter: As you can see, Duel of Fists caller Rekah Illyriana has just given our two fighters permission to enter the ring, and we are already hearing some catcalling from the crowd!

Chris: Have I said I love this broad" I love this broad. I challenge any woman to threaten someone else in what may as well be a leotard.

- Roll footage Round 1. FeJK/SW 0 All. -

Pslyder: Palms hit the mat, and out go both feet for the scissor kick, missing by a fraction.

VanDuran-Simon: Oooh she almost gave an unintentional show in that dress with that start. She circled him, watching and grinning.

Peter: Koyliak VanDuran-Simon is actually in charge of RhyDin's Fashion Week, and from what I'm told is quite the philanthropist...

Chris: And we start things off with a clash of techniques tonight! The Tank is looking to get down and dirty and show off, while VanDuran-Simon is seriously messing with him.

Peter: Testing the waters, so to speak.

Chris: You have to give it to a woman who can kick that high without flashing the whole crowd, though. Seriously!

- End footage Round 1. Roll footage, Round 2. SnK/CH 1-0 VanDuran-Simon. -

Pslyder: Back up and kicking out, but there's a chop in the way.

VanDuran-Simon: For taking her time she suddenly springs into action, taking one heeled step forward and bringing a nasty knifehand down at an angle to his kneecap as if she thought she could cleave it from the bone barehanded.

Peter: Now I'm sure you are all aware, but Pslyder is renowned for his scissor-kick, and I'm sure Koy knows that.

Chris: They don't call her Kick-A** Koy for nothing, Pete.

Peter: And here we see Pslyder trying to recover from his folly and regain some of the balance he sacrificed in the previous round. Unfortunately, Koy is quick to break into the opening created by the fulcrum of his weight.

- End footage Round 2. Roll footage, Round 3. FL/SW 1 All. -

Pslyder: Since they called for it, he thought he'd do it right this time.

VanDuran-Simon: Now this of course, got the masochist's adrenaline flowing. From the flat of her back she was grinning, though quick to get back up lest she flash anyone in that dress.

Chris: And here is true evidence of years of practice, Pete. See the amount of power she drives behind that attack" It's sharp, precise, and powerful.

Peter: There's the scissor-kick! Simultaneously, Psly eases his weight onto his upper body, and launches it all into his legs. That takes some serious finesse.

Chris: The Tank is well-known for his brawn. It wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't let up on Koy this entire night.

- End footage Round 3. Roll footage, Round 4. SW/FL 2-1 VanDuran-Simon. -

VanDuran-Simon: She got up long enough so that she could let those sharp heels have their proper fun driving down towards his shins.

Chris: Is it just me, or is she-Simon changing things up this challenge" Normally we know her for her high-kick, but it seems like tonight she is taking serious pleasure in screwing with The Tank's head! Up, down, left, right....She's kind of insanely unpredictable.

Peter: Well, it looks like Psly is having a little difficulty getting a handle on his center of balance tonight. I'm sure after a few more rounds he'll warm right up.

Chris: - Continuing. - B, A, B, A, Select, Start"

- End footage Round 4. Roll footage, Round 5 and 6. FeJK/JB 2 All; FaDO/FaDO 2 All. -

Pslyder: Up with a swiftness, then barreling right through the fakeout with a quick left.

VanDuran-Simon: That set her spinning. But she looked so pretty with that pink and pale gold! She fell into the ropes, flashed a wild grin at the commentators and pushed herself back upright catching her breath.

Peter: There's the leverage we were waiting for! Watch very closely as we show you the action replay. Notice how Pslyder's strength coils up deep in the balls of his feet and accumulates in his center. He then uses that power to back his punch.

Chris: It ensures that your opponent is seriously dazed for a few more rounds, that's for sure. And we see that next. Although I can't imagine why The Tank needs the extra seconds to recover. He's on the ball, now!

Peter: We're hearing some excellent cheering ringside! - To the crowd. - Who do you all want to win" - The camera sweeps over the crowd. Cheering for both parties is heard. -

- End footage Round 6. Roll footage, Round 7. SnK/JK 3-2 Pslyder. -

Pslyder: Heading to the air with a flying knee over her kick.

VanDuran-Simon: That leg got up but not high enough. She went tumbling back again. She looked even more pleased than before for it. She'd look more bruised later for it too.

Chris: I am so torn here, Pete. Once Simon dies or agrees to it, I'm going to marry Koy....but at the same time, The Tank is my man. I honestly don't know who I should be cheering for.

Peter: Well we gladly see Koy back up and trying to attempt her signature kick, but Psly has got some serious drive by the seventh round and isn't even giving her a split-second to prepare for it.

Chris: Poor thing is going to have some bruises to showcase tomorrow, that's for sure.

- End footage Round 7. Roll footage, Round 8. FaDO/UC 3 All. -

Pslyder: Throws the haymaker on impulse, knuckles coming close to brushing the floor, watching her get out of the way.

VanDuran-Simon: She was a Simon. Of course she needed to remind the crowd of it. Her spin on the signature Simon backhand though involved smashing her whole fist, knuckles first back across Psly's face instead of an open backhand.

Chris: Too over-zealous, Tank, my man! Gotta love Koy for spinning right out of there without batting an eyelash.

Peter: Well it looks like he went in there blind, Chris. When your head is ducked after a kick like that, it's a little hard to maintain an effective line of sight. - Suddenly holds his headset. - And we've just received word that Matt Simon has won his first match! - Wincing as Chris squeals. -

- End footage Round 8. Roll footage, Round 9. JB/FaDU 4-3 Pslyder. -

Pslyder: Limbos a little, then charges in under the punch.

VanDuran-Simon: Swings wide and leaves herself open to a delicious bit of violence.

Chris: Like a sack'a potatoes, The Tank is down....and purely on purpose.

Peter: What a way to exploit that opening! He gets in right under VanDuran-Simon's punch!

Chris: Koy's form is built to fly, Pete. I'm honestly surprised she hasn't tried more jump moves this match.

- End footage Round 9. Roll footage, Round 10. JK/FaAB 4 All. -

Pslyder: Speaking of flying. . .there he goes, right into her defense.

VanDuran-Simon: Does the opposite of what they just said and plants herself squarely in the ring. She took a giant fashion risk and grabbed at his incoming leg, using the momentum to tumble backwards with him. It was the only way she'd be able to toss him out of the sky, though make no doubt about it she kept her legs close together and bounced up mighty quick!

Chris: Jeez! What is it they say....a rolling stone gathers no....dead bodies"

Peter: I don't think that's quite what the phrase is, Chris.

Chris: Well still. Once Pslyder gets rolling he really can't stop himself, can he?

- Continuing footage, Round 11. CH/FeJB 5-4 VanDuran-Simon. -

Pslyder: Rolling and rebounding off the ropes, balling up a fist with a smile. pulling up short, but that didn't help.

VanDuran-Simon: She stayed the course and swung a sharp hand down hard for his shoulder.

Peter: It's not just Pslyder's inertia that is working against him, though. Koy has a nasty habit of channeling an opponent's strength to work to her advantage, as we see by her fancy legwork here. She takes full advantage of the sheer, brute force Pslyder exerts and ruins his chances.

Chris: And we have a WINNER! Simon and Simon eke out the first matches by narrow margins!

Peter: All that prep time at the match's outset must have worked wonders for Koy. Although I have a nagging feeling that Pslyder won't let her off so easy come match number two.

Chris: No doubt about it, Pete. He's going to show some serious gusto.

- Back to Chris and Peter in the actual RhyDin Post Sports Center studio, where both are holding cards. -

Chris: Do you have any threes"

Peter: Go fish.

Chris: You're so lying. I'll bet you have tons of threes. I'll bet you have like nine threes.

Peter: - Suddenly realizing the camera is on them again. - Welcome back, RhyDin! We hope you've been enjoying our coverage of our coverage so far.

Chris: Technically it's coverage within coverage within coverage. A dream within a dream! LOOK OUT! THE DREAM IS COLLAPSING!

Peter: We hope you don't mind, but we're going to take a short break from the Simon double-header to bring you a short interview that we were able to get with G'nort Dragoon-Talanador after the challenges. He had a thing or two to say about the Duel of Swords Madness tournament, and we think it's important that you hear it. Enjoy!

Chris: I knew you had threes!

Peter: That's your hand, Chris.

- Fade out. Fade up to after-challenge footage, where both sportscasters sit on stools with G'nort on a stool between them. Peter has already been asking him questions. Chris is making gestures at someone off screen. -

Peter: While we've got you here, have you got any blurbs for our viewers on the upcoming Duel of Swords Madness"

G'nort: Chances are you're gonna lose eventually' - Leaning in to speak into the mic. - But you can't lose if you don't enter, so enter!

Peter: Any thoughts on who you would like to see enter"

G'nort: Well, Doug, I can call you Doug, can't I"

Peter: Uh' my name is -

Chris: - Interrupting. - LET HIM TALK, PETE!

G'nort: Well Doug, Being who I am, I get to see who all enters before anyone else. So, while I can say 'I hope everyone who has a mind enters' and mean it, I don't know if it'd be fair to show favorites. That said" I hope Franco enters, cause I'd like to see his pretty pink hair mussed. I am glad Koy's entering cause she's hot. Aya will likely enter cause she's tough like that and looks good in a fighting stance, even if she's scary. Maria Graz should enter, 'cause she's Maria and defending her title from last year. Umm, who else. Well....Pretty much anyone who looks good in tight leather or latex would be nice. As for guys, Jake should enter cause he's Jake. He's always a super tough opponent. Really, I'd like to see as many competitive people enter as can be.

- Chris's attention is once again preoccupied with something of screen. He is shouting at someone. -

Peter: Interesting that you say that, because Jake is usually most renowned for his skills in the Outback. Would you like to see a rookie triumph this year"

G'nort: A Rookie triumph' Well" Not really. I mean, it would be nice and all, but a rookie to enter and win, that "shouldn't" happen. These kinds of tournies are where experience and skill really show up. A rookie coming out of nowhere could make a name for themselves in such a thing, but really, that's where they'd get knocked around. A learning process, so to speak. Madness is really where the best of the best rise to the top. I say this as the first ever Madness winner, by the by. In the past, we've had relative unknowns do pretty good in the tourney. So it's certainly possible for it to happen. Experience pays it off in the end, though.

Peter: Well we look forward to seeing who turns out this year. And we will most assuredly be in touch!

G'nort: Anytime. If you'd like a more in depth interview regarding the Madness tourney, the duels in general, or my fantastic self, feel free to give me a call. I love interviews. Thanks for the quick Q&A, Doug, Louie.

- Fade out. Back to the studio, where playing cards are raining down and Chris has an obviously annoyed expression on his face. -

Chris: There are your threes, Pete. Want to play a game" Fifty-two card pickup!

Peter: You are such a sore loser.

Chris: I didn't lose. You cheated.

Peter: - Looking back at the camera. - Thanks for sticking with us, folks. This is just your quick reminder: Sign up for the Duel of Swords Madness ASAP, and redirect all your questions to G'nort Dragoon-Talanador. Also, if you have any advice for rookies, words of encouragement, or some vignettes or dueling anecdotes, please be sure to post them on the bulletin boards or write us at the Post. We love to hear from you!

Chris: - Picking up a card. - Joker is a real card? I thought they just made that up for the Batman movie.

Peter: Without any further delay, we'll return you to our coverage of the Simon double-header. You stay sporty!

- Fade out. Fade up to the Outback, where there is tremendous cheering. -

Peter: Since Matt Simon isn't going to exchange his Opal, let's see if we can get Momus over here for a second. Tass! Hey, Tass!

- Seamless edit to remove G'nort's interview. -

Chris: I don't feel as awesome as I should. - Peering at the ingredients on his energy drink can. - What the hell....is guarana Mexican for battery acid or something"

- Camera swings to Tass approaching. -

Chris: Moooomus! Mooomus. Mo' muss. - Smacks his lips. - I feel like I ate fiberglass.

Tass: You know....I've got a cure for that.

Chris: Really' Because my ex-wife complained about it every ni-....OH! You mean the fiberglass....thing...

Tass: That too.

Peter: - Holding his tie-mic toward Tass. - Any thoughts on the match' Did Simon meet your standards as you expected he would"

Tass: - Chuckling. - Matt always meets my standards....That's why I love fighting him. It's the challenge I'm after, not an easy win.

Peter: Any ideas on what you would have done differently"

Tass: Won' They say hind-sight's 20-20, and I could go and analyze the fight all night long and worry of what would have been done differently' But why' It's over and I'm sure I'll meet him again for the rock.

Peter: So you plan on challenging again?

Chris: - Blurting. - Do you really wear kilts" - Tass nods to both. -

Peter: Any words for your fellow up-and-coming duelists"

- Heckling from off screen. Chris makes a comment to a bystander. -

Tass: Don't get discouraged just cause you lose. Losing only means you have more to learn. And never give up.

Chris: - Dabbing his eyes. - That was beautiful.

Peter: Are you really crying"

Chris: No, I think I'm having an allergic reaction to the guarana. My corneas are on FIRE.

Tass: You know, we could toss you in the Pool. That could help ya.

Peter: Well I thank you for your time, Mr. Momus, and I would like to congratulate you on an excellent challenge!

Tass: Any time. - Walks off screen. Seamless edit. They are now interviewing the Simons. -

Peter: Matt! That was a hairy situation. Why did you decide to change up your technique in the last few minutes"

Matt: Sometimes you can't do what?s expected of you. Unless, of course, that's what your opponent's expecting, so then you go back to it. But Tass had my number in that second match. Something had to change and either way, the risk in changing or not was losing.

Peter: - As Chris stares unabashedly at Matt. - But is it not just as risky trying something that you're not entirely used to"

Matt: I've been doing this so long, I suppose I'm used to almost anything. Do I have my comfort zone" Sure. But knowing when to stick it out and knowing when to cut and run and try something else is the key. And that doesn't just count for dueling.

Koy: - As she watches Chris staring. - He's handsome, isn't he"

Chris: - Still staring. Chewing on his pinky. - Can I have a lock of your hair"

Matt: Her hair smells better. - Directing Chris to Koy's luxurious locks. -

Chris: - Looks at Koy. - You must have very beautiful, very murderous babies.

Koy: Jest the one, bub, and though she hasn't shown any murder streak jest yet, she's certainly forceful 'bout sayin' 'no' ta anythin' she simply won't stand fer.

Peter: Uh....forgive my colleague, Mr. Simon. He, uh....admires your....technique. One last question, and I'm sure that everyone in the Outback wants to know this. Whether or not it is a rhetorical question, do you welcome the challenge that comes with an Opal, and would you encourage more people to challenge"

Matt: Challenges are good for the sport I think yes. And I'd like to see more of the younger duelers gain rank and take their shots. But these Opals aren't like baronial rings, or even the tower keys. They're more than just symbols of rank.

Peter: Could you expand on that a little bit'

Matt: Which part"

Peter: About them being more than symbols of rank. What makes you say so"

Matt: Anyone who's held an Opal can tell you they're more than just rocks or gems. Koy, would you like to weigh in"

- Seamless editing. -

Koy: Ye really want me ta chime in here"

Matt: Chime away.

Koy: The Opals aren't jest some title ta hold fer pride or a toy ta play with ta stave off boredom. They're a responsibility, a liability, and a burden. And tha's iffn ye're able ta manage 'em without too much trouble. Iffn ye can't, well then they can be seriously dangerous ta yer health.

Peter: Any thoughts on that, Matt"

Matt: Koy's right. As I said, the Opals aren't just symbols of rank. IceDancer's the third one I've held in my career.

Peter: - To Koy. - Do you regret having held ShadoWeaver this long"

Koy: I can't regret it. Iffn it wasn't me, it'd be someone else. Likely someone who might not have seen the gravity in holdin' an Opal, 'specially one like ShadoWeaver.

Chris: I hear you gave Sarah - Edit. - " a hard time when she challenged. That why'

Koy: Matthews. And aye, it was somethin' 'long those lines. It wasn't an issue of her bein' some new blood ta the rank, but tha she hadn't stopped ta see wha she was trying to dive inta head first. Ye wouldn't stand by and stay silent iffn someone was 'bout ta happily plunge off a pier with no clue 'bout wha rocks were below.

Peter: And last question, Mr. Simon, before I let you and your wife go home to recover. Do you have any advice for duelists that may have, say, decided to give up after one too many losses"

Matt: I'll go back to the very start of my career, Peter. I won my first match in the Outback against someone who I suppose was new, like me. I lost my second to the famed Percival - Pointing to the wall of Diamonds where the man's portrait hangs. - And then I lost again. And again. And again. I lost for a long time. But I gained a lot in losing - experience, technique, friendships. Without those early experiences, I don't think I'd have had the career that I've had. So I'd say to those folks: don't give up. Getting your bell rung time and again may not be the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it just might be something worth your while. Besides, if you're going to get your body banged up, what better place than the Outback"

Peter: I thank you both generously for your time, and would like to congratulate you on an excellent defense, and an excellent endeavor!

Matt: Thank you, Peter. You too, Chris.

Chris: Write me?

Koy: Thankee ta ye both fer colorin' the evenin.

Peter: - To the camera. - For all of us at the Post, I'm Peter Pham!

Chris: And I am so high on life right now.

Peter: You stay sporty, RhyDin!

- End tape. -