http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg
Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane
Junk and Jonesing: This Week in Review! December 4, 2011
Happy December, RhyDin!
This is my favorite month of the year, and do you know why' No, it doesn't have anything to do with the drunken, bearded men in red who get paid to have hot women sit in their laps and tell them their deepest wants and desires (though I wouldn't mind that job for a second). It has a little something to do with a special certain list that I get to put out that pits some of RhyDin's sexiest against each other. Do you have what it takes, RhyDin" Do you? PROVE IT!
Before I get into gossip, though, I am dutifully obligated to remind you all that Winterfest King and Queen voting is OPEN! So get your butts to the ballot boxes and vote for whomever you think is worthy or most grossly incompetent. And by the way, those two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.
But now, without further ado' LE GOSSIP!
What kind of rock does Erin live under" I mean' seeing as she still doesn't resemble a cave troll and (or at the very least resembles a strangely normal-looking one) I can only assume it's a very nice rock with antique Victorian furnishings and excellent AC. But regardless, who hasn't heard of Jonathan Granger" The way I understand it, she, Jon, and love of my life Gigi Granger were seen in the RDI Monday evening playing a classic game of twenty questions while Erin attempted to learn the nature of Jon's career. Oh I don't know. We've only been mentioning him and what he does every other issue. But if she doesn't know what he does by now I expect she doesn't read us, in which case I'll give into my cruel temptations of playing devil's advocate. She's not going to read this, anyway, right' Stripper, Erin. He's a stripper. And his cousin Ollie makes his living by cracking walnuts between his butt cheeks and selling them to local bakeries for cheesecake crusts.
Speaking of Erin, though. Rumor has it she was chatting it up with a decent guy named Regan on Wednesday and appeared to be drowning her sorrows (or her attempts at companionability) in hard liquor. Regan for the most part seemed polite enough to let her vent her spleen, but his attention definitely seemed to be on love of my life Gigi Granger and her male, juice-drinking companion. I don't know which frightens me more. That love of my life Gigi Granger has companions or that there is actually someone in RhyDin who drinks juice. Maybe that's just the street name for it. Who knows.
So I hear some new guy named Mark and Ella were chatting Monday about the sheer variety of drugs RhyDin has to offer. No offense, but with some of the fumes magical creatures here fart out I'm surprised everyone isn't high as a kite all the freakin" time. I wouldn't be too worried about getting your kicks around here, dude. Chances are whatever bottle you choose from behind the bar at the RDI, someone has spiked it with something. Ordering a drink there every night is like Russian Roulette. Except with liquor. And the method of demise is infinitely more excruciating.
Is it just me, or is Ella totally a bad girl" Word has it Wednesday she was overheard flirting like nobody's business with Kalamere whilst he might have made subtle innuendos about possibly tutoring Ella in swordplay. Sha. That what they're calling it these days" I also hear that some guy named Mack was the subject of conversation, and seemed none too pleased with the fact that his personal life was being debated. Uh. Hello' The only thing that travels faster than disease and mayhem in this city is gossip, dude. If you don't want your dirty laundry being aired in public then I highly suggest either moving elsewhere or entering a seminary.
I take it back. Jackie is anything but Mormon. As a matter of fact, that gal seems like RhyDin sure as heck isn't her first rodeo. One way or another, the girl's got a good head on her shoulders and isn't one of those types that'll jump into the sack with the first guy that beckons (yeah, hi Mark) but who knows how long that'll last. We just hope that integrity survives at least long enough for her to realize there is no such thing as integrity in RhyDin. Nut up or shut up, babe.
Today's Tara Time is not suitable for young viewers. We here at the Post admire Harper's patience. No, wait. Patience is the wrong word. Patience implies her interactions with Tara are a matter of choice. We'll go with tenacity. We especially admire such tenacity when she has the good sense to bite her tongue when miss Tara is discussing utilizing WD-40 as a potential bedtime lubricant with Kruger. I don't even want to know what color that would turn my junk, but kudos to Tara for being inventive.
COMEBACK OF THE WEEK! Corlanthis was reportedly spotted in the Inn Monday making an appearance. Now, naturally it would be too easy if he showed up talking about where he's been, what he's been up to, or who he's been hanging out with. No, the only gossip our dear friend Cor leaves us with is contemplating the size of his junk. Don't look at me " Tara was the one who started it. And apparently after the debate was begun, Candycane (Audrey to you) and Raye were seen making eyes at him like he was a piece of chocolate doused in AXE with diamonds on top. That is, they were ready to jump him at any time. Personally, I'd rather not get into that debate, and to be honest I regret even writing about it. Just goes to show you that you always have to watch what you say in RhyDin. You never know who is listening.
Comeback number two this week goes to Cuyler Quinn (because you can't just say Cuyler without saying Quinn. Cuyler Quinn just rolls off the tongue), who reportedly caught up with Rayva on Tuesday over their turkey-shooting adventures. Anywho. For the record, we like Rayva again. After a little girl bonding over puppies (which I am told happens quite often), she and CQ apparently exchanged the futility of remaining sober or sane somewhere like RhyDin. Then again, that's at least the conversation I'd like to hear coming from a hottie like Rayva. Hell, I'd like to hear that sort of thing coming from any decent-looking woman. We're in RhyDin, people. EMBRACE THE TRASHY.
So Nikia has officially lost it. My sources tell me that she was seen on Tuesday talking to an octopus (who, as you might have guessed, didn't talk back). We would normally recommend some therapy for this poor girl, but as most therapists in RhyDin tend to be mancandy playboys or have alcoholic or violent streaks, I'm just going to suggest she continues drinking her choice of local brew until by some random act of chance one day she gets caught in a magic crossfire and her neurons get rewired. You have our sympathies, babe, but there's only so much nutty we can take before we feel the need to arm ourselves in your presence for fear that you'll spazz out and try to murder us with flan.
I never thought I'd say this, but I envy the ever-living hell out of Tick. Not for his wit or his sense of style (a little D&G wouldn't kill ya) or the fact that he's probably worth the same amount as my Lamborghini, but for the fact that he got a special super secret sneak preview of Janie's kissing booth on Tuesday. How much is it gonna cost me to get that kind of treatment' Somehow I think I'll end up giving every last orphan in RhyDin enough for a home and college tuition before I'm genuinely satisfied.
So I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is Harold was seen on Wednesday (looking mildly hung over " must've been a good night). The bad news is the extent of his conversation with Candycane wound up being about where she should bury her hair. See, apparently some bullies got the better of her and miss married Magenta and somehow Auds ended up needing to hack off her locks. Note: We're not even going to ask why hair needs burying. Who knows exactly how that happened, but for the record, we think it looks great. And between you and me, Audrey baby, you're way too hot to be worrying about a little thing like your mop top. Now if that kind of bullying B.S. persists, then I'd strongly recommend telling, oh, just about anyone in the RDI because I'm fairly certain 99.999 percent of them will come to your rescue.
We feel like it's been a while since we've seen Andrew and Kassie around, but then that could just have something to do with the glue that was apparently slathered on my French dip sandwich at lunch today. I hear Friday they were seen meandering about with Kassie looking slightly under the weather and Andrew hovering quite a bit. As a matter of fact, my sources inform me that Andrew was saying something about stalking her all day, and she seemed not too bothered by it. That's all well and good and I'll leave it to you to have your own opinion, toots, but if the guy turns out to be some kind of psycho who watches you when you sleep, just don't say we didn't warn you.
RhyDin's Sexiest Woman Eless was reportedly spotted! It happened on Saturday, right around the time the Winterfest fishing challenge was going down. Because that's really what we need, right' The Inn to stink of something else foul and wriggly. As I understand it she and hubby Luke spent the better part of the evening being all gushy and talking about happy family things like Yule and" whatever else happy families talk about. Well, I must say we're glad to see the two of them back, but I must also take this opportunity to warn RhyDin's Sexiest Woman that if she plans to defend her title this December she is going to have to pick up the slack on her appearances.
That's all for now! You stay sassy, RhyDin!
Junk and Jonesing: This Week in Review! December 4, 2011
Happy December, RhyDin!
This is my favorite month of the year, and do you know why' No, it doesn't have anything to do with the drunken, bearded men in red who get paid to have hot women sit in their laps and tell them their deepest wants and desires (though I wouldn't mind that job for a second). It has a little something to do with a special certain list that I get to put out that pits some of RhyDin's sexiest against each other. Do you have what it takes, RhyDin" Do you? PROVE IT!
Before I get into gossip, though, I am dutifully obligated to remind you all that Winterfest King and Queen voting is OPEN! So get your butts to the ballot boxes and vote for whomever you think is worthy or most grossly incompetent. And by the way, those two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.
But now, without further ado' LE GOSSIP!
What kind of rock does Erin live under" I mean' seeing as she still doesn't resemble a cave troll and (or at the very least resembles a strangely normal-looking one) I can only assume it's a very nice rock with antique Victorian furnishings and excellent AC. But regardless, who hasn't heard of Jonathan Granger" The way I understand it, she, Jon, and love of my life Gigi Granger were seen in the RDI Monday evening playing a classic game of twenty questions while Erin attempted to learn the nature of Jon's career. Oh I don't know. We've only been mentioning him and what he does every other issue. But if she doesn't know what he does by now I expect she doesn't read us, in which case I'll give into my cruel temptations of playing devil's advocate. She's not going to read this, anyway, right' Stripper, Erin. He's a stripper. And his cousin Ollie makes his living by cracking walnuts between his butt cheeks and selling them to local bakeries for cheesecake crusts.
Speaking of Erin, though. Rumor has it she was chatting it up with a decent guy named Regan on Wednesday and appeared to be drowning her sorrows (or her attempts at companionability) in hard liquor. Regan for the most part seemed polite enough to let her vent her spleen, but his attention definitely seemed to be on love of my life Gigi Granger and her male, juice-drinking companion. I don't know which frightens me more. That love of my life Gigi Granger has companions or that there is actually someone in RhyDin who drinks juice. Maybe that's just the street name for it. Who knows.
So I hear some new guy named Mark and Ella were chatting Monday about the sheer variety of drugs RhyDin has to offer. No offense, but with some of the fumes magical creatures here fart out I'm surprised everyone isn't high as a kite all the freakin" time. I wouldn't be too worried about getting your kicks around here, dude. Chances are whatever bottle you choose from behind the bar at the RDI, someone has spiked it with something. Ordering a drink there every night is like Russian Roulette. Except with liquor. And the method of demise is infinitely more excruciating.
Is it just me, or is Ella totally a bad girl" Word has it Wednesday she was overheard flirting like nobody's business with Kalamere whilst he might have made subtle innuendos about possibly tutoring Ella in swordplay. Sha. That what they're calling it these days" I also hear that some guy named Mack was the subject of conversation, and seemed none too pleased with the fact that his personal life was being debated. Uh. Hello' The only thing that travels faster than disease and mayhem in this city is gossip, dude. If you don't want your dirty laundry being aired in public then I highly suggest either moving elsewhere or entering a seminary.
I take it back. Jackie is anything but Mormon. As a matter of fact, that gal seems like RhyDin sure as heck isn't her first rodeo. One way or another, the girl's got a good head on her shoulders and isn't one of those types that'll jump into the sack with the first guy that beckons (yeah, hi Mark) but who knows how long that'll last. We just hope that integrity survives at least long enough for her to realize there is no such thing as integrity in RhyDin. Nut up or shut up, babe.
Today's Tara Time is not suitable for young viewers. We here at the Post admire Harper's patience. No, wait. Patience is the wrong word. Patience implies her interactions with Tara are a matter of choice. We'll go with tenacity. We especially admire such tenacity when she has the good sense to bite her tongue when miss Tara is discussing utilizing WD-40 as a potential bedtime lubricant with Kruger. I don't even want to know what color that would turn my junk, but kudos to Tara for being inventive.
COMEBACK OF THE WEEK! Corlanthis was reportedly spotted in the Inn Monday making an appearance. Now, naturally it would be too easy if he showed up talking about where he's been, what he's been up to, or who he's been hanging out with. No, the only gossip our dear friend Cor leaves us with is contemplating the size of his junk. Don't look at me " Tara was the one who started it. And apparently after the debate was begun, Candycane (Audrey to you) and Raye were seen making eyes at him like he was a piece of chocolate doused in AXE with diamonds on top. That is, they were ready to jump him at any time. Personally, I'd rather not get into that debate, and to be honest I regret even writing about it. Just goes to show you that you always have to watch what you say in RhyDin. You never know who is listening.
Comeback number two this week goes to Cuyler Quinn (because you can't just say Cuyler without saying Quinn. Cuyler Quinn just rolls off the tongue), who reportedly caught up with Rayva on Tuesday over their turkey-shooting adventures. Anywho. For the record, we like Rayva again. After a little girl bonding over puppies (which I am told happens quite often), she and CQ apparently exchanged the futility of remaining sober or sane somewhere like RhyDin. Then again, that's at least the conversation I'd like to hear coming from a hottie like Rayva. Hell, I'd like to hear that sort of thing coming from any decent-looking woman. We're in RhyDin, people. EMBRACE THE TRASHY.
So Nikia has officially lost it. My sources tell me that she was seen on Tuesday talking to an octopus (who, as you might have guessed, didn't talk back). We would normally recommend some therapy for this poor girl, but as most therapists in RhyDin tend to be mancandy playboys or have alcoholic or violent streaks, I'm just going to suggest she continues drinking her choice of local brew until by some random act of chance one day she gets caught in a magic crossfire and her neurons get rewired. You have our sympathies, babe, but there's only so much nutty we can take before we feel the need to arm ourselves in your presence for fear that you'll spazz out and try to murder us with flan.
I never thought I'd say this, but I envy the ever-living hell out of Tick. Not for his wit or his sense of style (a little D&G wouldn't kill ya) or the fact that he's probably worth the same amount as my Lamborghini, but for the fact that he got a special super secret sneak preview of Janie's kissing booth on Tuesday. How much is it gonna cost me to get that kind of treatment' Somehow I think I'll end up giving every last orphan in RhyDin enough for a home and college tuition before I'm genuinely satisfied.
So I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is Harold was seen on Wednesday (looking mildly hung over " must've been a good night). The bad news is the extent of his conversation with Candycane wound up being about where she should bury her hair. See, apparently some bullies got the better of her and miss married Magenta and somehow Auds ended up needing to hack off her locks. Note: We're not even going to ask why hair needs burying. Who knows exactly how that happened, but for the record, we think it looks great. And between you and me, Audrey baby, you're way too hot to be worrying about a little thing like your mop top. Now if that kind of bullying B.S. persists, then I'd strongly recommend telling, oh, just about anyone in the RDI because I'm fairly certain 99.999 percent of them will come to your rescue.
We feel like it's been a while since we've seen Andrew and Kassie around, but then that could just have something to do with the glue that was apparently slathered on my French dip sandwich at lunch today. I hear Friday they were seen meandering about with Kassie looking slightly under the weather and Andrew hovering quite a bit. As a matter of fact, my sources inform me that Andrew was saying something about stalking her all day, and she seemed not too bothered by it. That's all well and good and I'll leave it to you to have your own opinion, toots, but if the guy turns out to be some kind of psycho who watches you when you sleep, just don't say we didn't warn you.
RhyDin's Sexiest Woman Eless was reportedly spotted! It happened on Saturday, right around the time the Winterfest fishing challenge was going down. Because that's really what we need, right' The Inn to stink of something else foul and wriggly. As I understand it she and hubby Luke spent the better part of the evening being all gushy and talking about happy family things like Yule and" whatever else happy families talk about. Well, I must say we're glad to see the two of them back, but I must also take this opportunity to warn RhyDin's Sexiest Woman that if she plans to defend her title this December she is going to have to pick up the slack on her appearances.
That's all for now! You stay sassy, RhyDin!