Topic: Local Alcohol Merchants Give Up on RhyDin

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-02-07 14:38 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Smilingwomanwithcrossedarmsuid11-1.jpg Amelia Enderwood: Satirist

Local Alcohol Merchants Give Up on RhyDin February 7, 2011

*In business news, alcohol merchants and companies around the city have released a statement today that they have decided to give up on trying to bring culture and class to RhyDin.

"We've tried, you know," said Ben Matthews, founder and CEO of Shiny Greyish Sign or Target, a local microbrewery. "We've really tried to improve RhyDin's image in the multiverse by encouraging RhyDinians to expand their palate and to be connoisseurs. It has been our goal to inject some culture into RhyDin and to promote responsible lifestyles, all while supplying them with the finer things in life. But you annoyingly thirsty bastards won't stop drinking every dang thing we sell. So we quit."

Since 2007 the S.G.S.T. Brewery has been running campaigns to encourage RhyDinians to breathe between inhaling their products. But according to Matthews, despite all efforts to the contrary its consumers still consistently abuse their fine selection of ales and lagers.

"There really is no point to refining the brewing process," added Matthews. "For all those idiots know I could be selling nail polish remover. They'd still drink it all the same."

Though Matthews does not disagree that the copious sales in the alcohol business in RhyDin ensures that the S.G.S.T. Brewery does very well each quarter, he still insists that he would rather be selling his product to enhance the lives of its consumers, rather than embarrass them in public.

"It's sad, really. What's the point of promoting a classy image if all you all are going to do is inhale it until you mistake the Red Dragon hearth for a toilet?"

In related news, other merchants that are currently facing dismaying quarterly statements are taking this opportunity to appeal to a larger demographic. Large Gent and Puma Wines has now begun packaging its most popular pinot noir and zinfandel varieties in sippy-cups and disposable foil pouches with straws. So far the response has been encouraging.

"You'd be surprised how little people in RhyDin care about looking classy," Rudolph Westminshire, CEO, said. "No matter how nicely you advertise your booze, the fact of the matter is booze is still booze and people in RhyDin will still drink enough of it to act like idiots."

In related-related news, the Red Dragon Inn will be shut down temporarily until Tuesday while it cleans out the hearth and removes leftover burrito from the ceiling.

*Some facts have been fabricated for the sake of satire.

Argento Luna Wines. Thank you!]]