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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Local Woman 'Like Totally Doesn't Know How She Wound Up in Johnny's Garage' November 2, 2010
*Local area woman Smithie Johnson, 22, insisted Monday that she had a good reason to be in bartender Johnny Smith's garage, but for some reason just couldn't think of it.
"Oh' all that debris from a C-4 explosion' That was there when I got here," said Johnson.
Johnson, who according to neighbors allegedly spent the early afternoon papering Smith's walls with photoshopped pictures of their children and crudely pasting her face onto all his family portraits, told reporters that she 'just gets spacey sometimes about these things.'
"For the life of me, I don't know how I got here," argued Johnson. "But I assure you, I must have had a good reason."
She added later that she had every intention of jogging her memory by going into Smith's bedroom and smelling every article of his clothing individually.
"It's all just a misunderstanding, really," said Milton Johnson, brother, who reportedly changed his name to evade arrest and to nullify an outstanding restraining order. Buffing his nails on his 'I love Juliane Smith!' t-shirt, he scoffed: "My sister may have just left her keys in there. Did you ever think of that?"
According to close friends, though Johnson's apparent forgetfulness is becoming a concern, she has been making up for it by being very organized in every other part of her life.
"Every day she follows this exact schedule," said Wendy Marry-Me-Salvador Williams. "From dawn until dusk, she is constantly going between the Inn, the gallery, the house" she's so dedicated, you know. And she documents absolutely everything with a telephoto lens. I really admire her."
In related news, Johnson would like to add that the stabbing classes she has been taking at West End Community College have nothing whatsoever to do with Sianna Frasier Smith.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
]
Local Woman 'Like Totally Doesn't Know How She Wound Up in Johnny's Garage' November 2, 2010
*Local area woman Smithie Johnson, 22, insisted Monday that she had a good reason to be in bartender Johnny Smith's garage, but for some reason just couldn't think of it.
"Oh' all that debris from a C-4 explosion' That was there when I got here," said Johnson.
Johnson, who according to neighbors allegedly spent the early afternoon papering Smith's walls with photoshopped pictures of their children and crudely pasting her face onto all his family portraits, told reporters that she 'just gets spacey sometimes about these things.'
"For the life of me, I don't know how I got here," argued Johnson. "But I assure you, I must have had a good reason."
She added later that she had every intention of jogging her memory by going into Smith's bedroom and smelling every article of his clothing individually.
"It's all just a misunderstanding, really," said Milton Johnson, brother, who reportedly changed his name to evade arrest and to nullify an outstanding restraining order. Buffing his nails on his 'I love Juliane Smith!' t-shirt, he scoffed: "My sister may have just left her keys in there. Did you ever think of that?"
According to close friends, though Johnson's apparent forgetfulness is becoming a concern, she has been making up for it by being very organized in every other part of her life.
"Every day she follows this exact schedule," said Wendy Marry-Me-Salvador Williams. "From dawn until dusk, she is constantly going between the Inn, the gallery, the house" she's so dedicated, you know. And she documents absolutely everything with a telephoto lens. I really admire her."
In related news, Johnson would like to add that the stabbing classes she has been taking at West End Community College have nothing whatsoever to do with Sianna Frasier Smith.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
]