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Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane
Make it Out to "Cash": This Week In Review! July 11, 2014
OK, RhyDin. Allow me to clarify something right here, right now. Clean slate! Get the record straight! Dust the rug with a stiff cat carcass, so to speak. There has been a rumor going around, in the past few months, that the reason your favorite Emmet hasn't been around and writing up a storm (more than storm' TSUNAMI!) is because he, ah, happened to be holding out for more money. So to speak. Allegedly.
Well YOU KNOW WHAT, RhyDin" The city is an expensive place. Not everyone can afford to flush money down their money toilets in their money mansions wallpapered with more money. And can I help it if I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle" For the longest time, I was forced to supplement my income by selling Chase Dawson's designer shoes on Krogslist. And can I help it if she suddenly wised up and stopped keeping them here at the office" What else am I supposed to sell" The only other person here with that kind of fashion sense is me, and I need my shirts to come in every color!
I have NEEDS, RhyDin. If I can't have my own gym and personal trainer, then the entire city suffers. Believe me.
Regardless, I am back. Feel free to shower me with gifts and praise at the usual address.
And what have I come back to"! Love of my life Gigi Granger is nowhere to be found. Where are you, you sexy she-devil, you? Instead, all we are left with is dueling dame Melanie Rostol, who has an uncanny habit of flip-flopping between bloodthirstily vicious and fairly drool-worthy. You know. Gigi Granger Lite". Though more recently, when she's not chatting it up with the delightfully crooked Drow From Another Bough Cianan, she tends to have a bit of a glaze-eyed look, like she's been staring at the sun a bit too long. One too many crushing blows to the head will do that to you, we think. Maybe certain folks should give dueling a rest and do what the rest of us do: drink yourself into oblivion until whatever Khoom is makes sense. Moving on.
Well, Tommy is back in town. We're not really sure how else to address that, other than issuing it as a statement of fact. Basically everything that Tommy is is what RhyDin happens to be. Taneth caught up with him a week or so ago with her characteristic glee. Honestly, we think she'd ensnare Anubis Karos in a hug-fest if she had the opportunity, which we suppose is part of her charm. From what we hear, she is also learning to shoot, but can't stand the sight of dead things. That girl is resilient, we'll say that much. Just goes to show you don't need to be a dead-eyed murderer to survive in this town. Usually the oblivious ones end up having the best time.
So apparently dark and brooding Salvador is no longer dark and brooding. Though Sinjin hasn't been seen around for quite some time now, Sal has been pretty much a constant presence in the Inn. There doesn't seem to be a need for any heavy drinking, though, as our formerly favorite foreigner seems to have found solace in the arms of several men and women " most consistently Rei and Thorn, who happen to be of the same general type as Sal. That is, easy on the eyes (yes, I am confident enough to admit it), but pissing them off is pretty much the last thing you'd want to do. Which is pretty ironic, considering virtually all of Salvador's relationships ignite out of rage and chaos. Those two (in addition to old pals like Skid and Cianan) must be doing some good, though, because more often than not, Sal has seemed" gulp" happy. As in, smiling and waving to people happy. What is this sorcery' Sal doesn't wave. It upsets and unnerves us, and we don't like it. I have only two words to say about Smiley Sal: BOO. Bo. Ring. Okay, three.
Now theeeere is a face we rarely see in ye olde RDI! Apparently some of our sources caught a glimpse of Kruger with the tasty, tasty Peaches hearthside. The topic of their conversation couldn't be heard from our, ah, secret vantage point that we refuse to disclose (or clean, for that matter), but from what we saw Kruger did not look happy at all. Even Peaches, who we find can warm up to just about anyone seemed to be having some difficulty cheering him up. Well, we suppose it's already a red flag when he's somewhere out of his element. Clearly there are some elements askew there.
Noted: You'll all be happy to know the Helstons are doing just dandy. But realistically, that should never, ever come as a surprise. All of RhyDin could blow up, the universe could end, and the Helstons and Skid would still be standing there in the vast emptiness buffing their claws. INDESTRUCTIBLE. We love it.
Drumroll please! This past week's OMG Moment comes in the form of the spotting of sooo many oldies but goodies! Apparently, Sid's S.O. Scottie (who now goes by "Jack," we're told) is out and about, and making mischief (or being a victim of it) just about every chance he gets (Hint: Benjamin). Nevertheless, he was treated with warm welcomes all around, including one by none other than our favorite Gem, who we have no doubt has been getting into mischief of her own. Come on. It's Gem. You don't get to be that short and not be up to no good. But the sighting that blew us away, quite literally, had to have been, wait for it, WYHEREE! Oh, Wyh! WYH have you been gone so long" Wyherrrrr have you been" We think we're going to go to the nearest Ice Bar and order a Snow Queen, and if people ask WYH or question our masculinity, we will promptly punch them in the mouth and say WYH not"
A couple of the gossip hooligans here at the Post are thinking about throwing an icy, snowsicle Yule in July sometime soon, and if anyone can help, we're willing to bet it's that woman. Our people will call your people!
For those who are still keeping track, you'll be happy to know that whatever drama (and bad blood, but not in the way you might think) that has been unfolding lately between Serah, Lenore, and He of the Empty Threats has settled (for now), thanks to some intellectually stunted man named Morgan. Normally we'd just call him emotionally stunted, but the mere fact that he got himself involved in that business reveals that there are a few loose things rolling around upstairs. Don't get us wrong. Beltane Queen Serah is sweet and bubbly and everything a Beltane Queen should be. But something about her habits just gives us this nagging feeling that sooner or later she is going to be upgraded to utterly batty in our book. We await that day on bated breath. In the mean time, we have to wonder if Lenore is into intellectually stunted men, because she and Morgan have been seen an awful lot together lately. Well, can you blame her" At least half of RhyDin's population is made up of dummies we wouldn't trust with a roll of cellophane (present company excluded). Limited choices, and all that.
In terms of baby news, we hear Eregor and Rhiannon are expecting their first, and refuse to tell us if it's a boy or a girl. Yeah, yeah, do the surprise thing, whatever. Clearly you only want gender-neutral crud at your baby shower. You want boring, yellow linens or generic squeaky toys" The heck with it. Everyone just bring them booze " everyone knows that's what a new parent needs.
And ye GASP! Yes, we heard the news about our favorite Simon! No, not Matt. But we suppose we're now forced to congratulate him by extension. Back in May, he and Koy celebrated the birth of their son, Malachite. That kid is going to grow up to break hearts and skulls all over this place. We have just one bone to pick with them, though. Where are our pictures"! We demand exclusives, and don't go selling them to that racket of a tabloid Nexus Weekly. This is hard-hitting journalism, this is, and if we don't get some soon, we'll resort to drastic measures. Do they want us taking pictures through their windows again? Because that's what?ll happen. Do us a favor, though. Don't sic the dogs on us this time. Intern Jimmy hasn't been able to walk right since that happened the second time.
There is SO much more to include, but your favorite Bane has more fanmail replies to pawn off to the interns. Until next time, you stay sassy!
Make it Out to "Cash": This Week In Review! July 11, 2014
OK, RhyDin. Allow me to clarify something right here, right now. Clean slate! Get the record straight! Dust the rug with a stiff cat carcass, so to speak. There has been a rumor going around, in the past few months, that the reason your favorite Emmet hasn't been around and writing up a storm (more than storm' TSUNAMI!) is because he, ah, happened to be holding out for more money. So to speak. Allegedly.
Well YOU KNOW WHAT, RhyDin" The city is an expensive place. Not everyone can afford to flush money down their money toilets in their money mansions wallpapered with more money. And can I help it if I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle" For the longest time, I was forced to supplement my income by selling Chase Dawson's designer shoes on Krogslist. And can I help it if she suddenly wised up and stopped keeping them here at the office" What else am I supposed to sell" The only other person here with that kind of fashion sense is me, and I need my shirts to come in every color!
I have NEEDS, RhyDin. If I can't have my own gym and personal trainer, then the entire city suffers. Believe me.
Regardless, I am back. Feel free to shower me with gifts and praise at the usual address.
And what have I come back to"! Love of my life Gigi Granger is nowhere to be found. Where are you, you sexy she-devil, you? Instead, all we are left with is dueling dame Melanie Rostol, who has an uncanny habit of flip-flopping between bloodthirstily vicious and fairly drool-worthy. You know. Gigi Granger Lite". Though more recently, when she's not chatting it up with the delightfully crooked Drow From Another Bough Cianan, she tends to have a bit of a glaze-eyed look, like she's been staring at the sun a bit too long. One too many crushing blows to the head will do that to you, we think. Maybe certain folks should give dueling a rest and do what the rest of us do: drink yourself into oblivion until whatever Khoom is makes sense. Moving on.
Well, Tommy is back in town. We're not really sure how else to address that, other than issuing it as a statement of fact. Basically everything that Tommy is is what RhyDin happens to be. Taneth caught up with him a week or so ago with her characteristic glee. Honestly, we think she'd ensnare Anubis Karos in a hug-fest if she had the opportunity, which we suppose is part of her charm. From what we hear, she is also learning to shoot, but can't stand the sight of dead things. That girl is resilient, we'll say that much. Just goes to show you don't need to be a dead-eyed murderer to survive in this town. Usually the oblivious ones end up having the best time.
So apparently dark and brooding Salvador is no longer dark and brooding. Though Sinjin hasn't been seen around for quite some time now, Sal has been pretty much a constant presence in the Inn. There doesn't seem to be a need for any heavy drinking, though, as our formerly favorite foreigner seems to have found solace in the arms of several men and women " most consistently Rei and Thorn, who happen to be of the same general type as Sal. That is, easy on the eyes (yes, I am confident enough to admit it), but pissing them off is pretty much the last thing you'd want to do. Which is pretty ironic, considering virtually all of Salvador's relationships ignite out of rage and chaos. Those two (in addition to old pals like Skid and Cianan) must be doing some good, though, because more often than not, Sal has seemed" gulp" happy. As in, smiling and waving to people happy. What is this sorcery' Sal doesn't wave. It upsets and unnerves us, and we don't like it. I have only two words to say about Smiley Sal: BOO. Bo. Ring. Okay, three.
Now theeeere is a face we rarely see in ye olde RDI! Apparently some of our sources caught a glimpse of Kruger with the tasty, tasty Peaches hearthside. The topic of their conversation couldn't be heard from our, ah, secret vantage point that we refuse to disclose (or clean, for that matter), but from what we saw Kruger did not look happy at all. Even Peaches, who we find can warm up to just about anyone seemed to be having some difficulty cheering him up. Well, we suppose it's already a red flag when he's somewhere out of his element. Clearly there are some elements askew there.
Noted: You'll all be happy to know the Helstons are doing just dandy. But realistically, that should never, ever come as a surprise. All of RhyDin could blow up, the universe could end, and the Helstons and Skid would still be standing there in the vast emptiness buffing their claws. INDESTRUCTIBLE. We love it.
Drumroll please! This past week's OMG Moment comes in the form of the spotting of sooo many oldies but goodies! Apparently, Sid's S.O. Scottie (who now goes by "Jack," we're told) is out and about, and making mischief (or being a victim of it) just about every chance he gets (Hint: Benjamin). Nevertheless, he was treated with warm welcomes all around, including one by none other than our favorite Gem, who we have no doubt has been getting into mischief of her own. Come on. It's Gem. You don't get to be that short and not be up to no good. But the sighting that blew us away, quite literally, had to have been, wait for it, WYHEREE! Oh, Wyh! WYH have you been gone so long" Wyherrrrr have you been" We think we're going to go to the nearest Ice Bar and order a Snow Queen, and if people ask WYH or question our masculinity, we will promptly punch them in the mouth and say WYH not"
A couple of the gossip hooligans here at the Post are thinking about throwing an icy, snowsicle Yule in July sometime soon, and if anyone can help, we're willing to bet it's that woman. Our people will call your people!
For those who are still keeping track, you'll be happy to know that whatever drama (and bad blood, but not in the way you might think) that has been unfolding lately between Serah, Lenore, and He of the Empty Threats has settled (for now), thanks to some intellectually stunted man named Morgan. Normally we'd just call him emotionally stunted, but the mere fact that he got himself involved in that business reveals that there are a few loose things rolling around upstairs. Don't get us wrong. Beltane Queen Serah is sweet and bubbly and everything a Beltane Queen should be. But something about her habits just gives us this nagging feeling that sooner or later she is going to be upgraded to utterly batty in our book. We await that day on bated breath. In the mean time, we have to wonder if Lenore is into intellectually stunted men, because she and Morgan have been seen an awful lot together lately. Well, can you blame her" At least half of RhyDin's population is made up of dummies we wouldn't trust with a roll of cellophane (present company excluded). Limited choices, and all that.
In terms of baby news, we hear Eregor and Rhiannon are expecting their first, and refuse to tell us if it's a boy or a girl. Yeah, yeah, do the surprise thing, whatever. Clearly you only want gender-neutral crud at your baby shower. You want boring, yellow linens or generic squeaky toys" The heck with it. Everyone just bring them booze " everyone knows that's what a new parent needs.
And ye GASP! Yes, we heard the news about our favorite Simon! No, not Matt. But we suppose we're now forced to congratulate him by extension. Back in May, he and Koy celebrated the birth of their son, Malachite. That kid is going to grow up to break hearts and skulls all over this place. We have just one bone to pick with them, though. Where are our pictures"! We demand exclusives, and don't go selling them to that racket of a tabloid Nexus Weekly. This is hard-hitting journalism, this is, and if we don't get some soon, we'll resort to drastic measures. Do they want us taking pictures through their windows again? Because that's what?ll happen. Do us a favor, though. Don't sic the dogs on us this time. Intern Jimmy hasn't been able to walk right since that happened the second time.
There is SO much more to include, but your favorite Bane has more fanmail replies to pawn off to the interns. Until next time, you stay sassy!