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Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane
Making Santa's Naughty List December 26, 2009
So the holidays are wrapping up, so to speak. The good cheer has begun to dwindle, and you're packing your bags to hightail it out of your parents" house. Let's face it. There are only so many life time grudges and so much passive aggression you can take in the span of four or five days. It's O.K., though. You're human. Unless you're one of those species of water nymphs or succubae that eat their kin" in which case, our point is thoroughly made.
Good! Now that we're in that jolly spirit of cynicism that comes with post-Christmas blues, vent. Go on! Air your dirty laundry! What horrible thing did you do this Yule slash Christmas season' The Post wants to know!
A Shocking Surprise "Hey Emmet,
Not that I did it personally, but' You know those supposedly awesome SuperFantasticChristmasWishoMatic hats that they were giving out on every street corner" I wished for a little more electricity with my wife in bed.
" I came home to find the mattress was wired with copper conductors, and rigged to send a current through it every two and a half minutes."
The Screenager "I'm compiling a list of Sin-isms so that I can sell it and make billions (Thanks for the idea!). Already my teenage daughters are in love with him and are making posters to sell on the Outernet.
I stalked RhyDin's Sexiest Man for two days to get enough Polaroids so that we could screen his picture onto t-shirts."
Something Smells Fishy" "I had been telling everyone that I wanted an aquarium last Christmas. I got two sizeable gifts that year - one from my husband, and one from my sister. I opened my husband's first, and it was exactly the one I wanted. My sister later told me she got that one too, so I didn't bother opening her gift, thinking it might be a good thing in case I needed a spare.
This year I completely forgot to get something for my boss, who is actually very picky about gifts. Figuring I'd impress her, I decided to regift that aquarium, and since it was already wrapped, and I was in a hurry, I didn't bother opening it first.
She opened it later in front of all my coworkers. The dang tank was full of water, and much to my dismay, dead fish. Who stocks an aquarium before they wrap it' Honestly!"
That Price Ain't Right "I bet on Anubis for the Overlord challenge and lost over a grand. To make up for it, I told my wife I was robbed. She insisted that we contact authorities. I spent three hours Christmas Eve at the Watch precinct making up a phony description of a man with burns on his face."
Smokin" Fashion "I decided to splurge this Christmas and get my wife a silver and diamond ring. To surprise her, I put it on her finger before she woke up and went and made coffee.
Not minutes later, I heard her shouting at me that she needed to go to the emergency room. Her hand was covered in a rash and steaming.
I didn't know vampires were allergic to silver. We've been married six years."
A Moment on the Lips "I melted four sticks of butter into a "nonfat' spinach dip and gave it to my weight-conscious, wicked sister-in-law. She ate the whole bowl."
Wonky Tampering "I added a bunch of non-magickal items to the new rack for the DoM, and a sign that says "Non-gifted and ordinary users will experience no magickal results.""
Do You Smell Pink" "Today, I went around and bought every hardcopy issue of the Gossip GangSTAR in my neighborhood, and burned them. Emmet Bane is my only hero. That one's for you, Emmet.?
Glad to know the holiday spirit didn't eat up every bit of mischief!
Making Santa's Naughty List December 26, 2009
So the holidays are wrapping up, so to speak. The good cheer has begun to dwindle, and you're packing your bags to hightail it out of your parents" house. Let's face it. There are only so many life time grudges and so much passive aggression you can take in the span of four or five days. It's O.K., though. You're human. Unless you're one of those species of water nymphs or succubae that eat their kin" in which case, our point is thoroughly made.
Good! Now that we're in that jolly spirit of cynicism that comes with post-Christmas blues, vent. Go on! Air your dirty laundry! What horrible thing did you do this Yule slash Christmas season' The Post wants to know!
A Shocking Surprise "Hey Emmet,
Not that I did it personally, but' You know those supposedly awesome SuperFantasticChristmasWishoMatic hats that they were giving out on every street corner" I wished for a little more electricity with my wife in bed.
" I came home to find the mattress was wired with copper conductors, and rigged to send a current through it every two and a half minutes."
The Screenager "I'm compiling a list of Sin-isms so that I can sell it and make billions (Thanks for the idea!). Already my teenage daughters are in love with him and are making posters to sell on the Outernet.
I stalked RhyDin's Sexiest Man for two days to get enough Polaroids so that we could screen his picture onto t-shirts."
Something Smells Fishy" "I had been telling everyone that I wanted an aquarium last Christmas. I got two sizeable gifts that year - one from my husband, and one from my sister. I opened my husband's first, and it was exactly the one I wanted. My sister later told me she got that one too, so I didn't bother opening her gift, thinking it might be a good thing in case I needed a spare.
This year I completely forgot to get something for my boss, who is actually very picky about gifts. Figuring I'd impress her, I decided to regift that aquarium, and since it was already wrapped, and I was in a hurry, I didn't bother opening it first.
She opened it later in front of all my coworkers. The dang tank was full of water, and much to my dismay, dead fish. Who stocks an aquarium before they wrap it' Honestly!"
That Price Ain't Right "I bet on Anubis for the Overlord challenge and lost over a grand. To make up for it, I told my wife I was robbed. She insisted that we contact authorities. I spent three hours Christmas Eve at the Watch precinct making up a phony description of a man with burns on his face."
Smokin" Fashion "I decided to splurge this Christmas and get my wife a silver and diamond ring. To surprise her, I put it on her finger before she woke up and went and made coffee.
Not minutes later, I heard her shouting at me that she needed to go to the emergency room. Her hand was covered in a rash and steaming.
I didn't know vampires were allergic to silver. We've been married six years."
A Moment on the Lips "I melted four sticks of butter into a "nonfat' spinach dip and gave it to my weight-conscious, wicked sister-in-law. She ate the whole bowl."
Wonky Tampering "I added a bunch of non-magickal items to the new rack for the DoM, and a sign that says "Non-gifted and ordinary users will experience no magickal results.""
Do You Smell Pink" "Today, I went around and bought every hardcopy issue of the Gossip GangSTAR in my neighborhood, and burned them. Emmet Bane is my only hero. That one's for you, Emmet.?
Glad to know the holiday spirit didn't eat up every bit of mischief!