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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Mercenary Unemployment Rises: "Not Enough Victims" January 6, 2010
It's a hard to make a killing by killing these days.
According to Figure Finder Magazine, RhyDin's source for informational statistics, the employment rate among average mercenaries has dropped drastically in the past year alone.
"The number of available jobs has dropped by at least 9.8 percent since 2008. That's huge, and not at all an arbitrary number," Dr. Rail Evis Lupmoc, senior editor for F.F. Magazine, said.
According to recently interviewed brigand leader Gruff Mackenzie, the reduction in assassination contracts is due largely to an increase in toleration and good will among RhyDin citizens.
"You'd think the lack of death is because of the holiday season, but you'd be wrong in making that assumption. The number of contracts has gone way down, because people just don't want people dead anymore! It's infuriating!" Mackenzie said.
His partner and right hand orc, Spiegel Stabmaster is disenchanted with the lack of violence in RhyDin recently.
"All this negotiation nonsense is really starting to irk me," said Stabmaster. "Talk, talk, talk; that's all people do these days. But realistically speaking, if you are angry with someone, a mace in his groin is more likely to get your point across than hours of working out your differences. It saves time, and it's a great stress reliever - a win/win situation!"
And with the reduction in crime comes a reduction in the number of paychecks for mercenaries like Mackenzie and Stabmaster.
"It's a matter of dollars and cents, and of an accumulation of bodies. People don't get stabbed or threatened, we don't get paid. Simple as that," Mackenzie said.
Bradley Sherman, research analyst for Survey Says?" academic journal, claims that the decrease in mercenary work could lead to detrimental repercussions for RhyDin's economy.
"If the body count goes down, then a huge number of consequences may follow," Sherman said. "Already, you have undertakers who are out of work. Therapists. More people alive means little changes, too. The corner bakery will be forced to make more scones in anticipation. And what happens if no people buy those scones" Now they're hanging the small business owners out to dry!"
His assistant, Shradley Berman, had as much to say:
"If the population continues to increase without any auxiliaries like our proud mercenaries to keep it in check, RhyDin could slip into an economic depression. More people need to perish at the hands of abject cruelty."
If the mercenary employment rate in RhyDin is going to rise, violent tendencies need to be instilled in the general populace.
"I did my part for RhyDin," Kane Morrow, local input analyst, said. "Today, I stapled a RhyDin Soaps Digest copy to the foreheads of six people."
Sherman urges RhyDin citizens to invest in more weaponry and resort to more violence if these economic pitfalls are to be avoided.
In related news, a string of six assaults were reported to the RhyDin Watch shortly after one interview. Said victims were said to be without a head for literature.
]
Mercenary Unemployment Rises: "Not Enough Victims" January 6, 2010
It's a hard to make a killing by killing these days.
According to Figure Finder Magazine, RhyDin's source for informational statistics, the employment rate among average mercenaries has dropped drastically in the past year alone.
"The number of available jobs has dropped by at least 9.8 percent since 2008. That's huge, and not at all an arbitrary number," Dr. Rail Evis Lupmoc, senior editor for F.F. Magazine, said.
According to recently interviewed brigand leader Gruff Mackenzie, the reduction in assassination contracts is due largely to an increase in toleration and good will among RhyDin citizens.
"You'd think the lack of death is because of the holiday season, but you'd be wrong in making that assumption. The number of contracts has gone way down, because people just don't want people dead anymore! It's infuriating!" Mackenzie said.
His partner and right hand orc, Spiegel Stabmaster is disenchanted with the lack of violence in RhyDin recently.
"All this negotiation nonsense is really starting to irk me," said Stabmaster. "Talk, talk, talk; that's all people do these days. But realistically speaking, if you are angry with someone, a mace in his groin is more likely to get your point across than hours of working out your differences. It saves time, and it's a great stress reliever - a win/win situation!"
And with the reduction in crime comes a reduction in the number of paychecks for mercenaries like Mackenzie and Stabmaster.
"It's a matter of dollars and cents, and of an accumulation of bodies. People don't get stabbed or threatened, we don't get paid. Simple as that," Mackenzie said.
Bradley Sherman, research analyst for Survey Says?" academic journal, claims that the decrease in mercenary work could lead to detrimental repercussions for RhyDin's economy.
"If the body count goes down, then a huge number of consequences may follow," Sherman said. "Already, you have undertakers who are out of work. Therapists. More people alive means little changes, too. The corner bakery will be forced to make more scones in anticipation. And what happens if no people buy those scones" Now they're hanging the small business owners out to dry!"
His assistant, Shradley Berman, had as much to say:
"If the population continues to increase without any auxiliaries like our proud mercenaries to keep it in check, RhyDin could slip into an economic depression. More people need to perish at the hands of abject cruelty."
If the mercenary employment rate in RhyDin is going to rise, violent tendencies need to be instilled in the general populace.
"I did my part for RhyDin," Kane Morrow, local input analyst, said. "Today, I stapled a RhyDin Soaps Digest copy to the foreheads of six people."
Sherman urges RhyDin citizens to invest in more weaponry and resort to more violence if these economic pitfalls are to be avoided.
In related news, a string of six assaults were reported to the RhyDin Watch shortly after one interview. Said victims were said to be without a head for literature.
]