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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Mossy Rock Announces Candidacy for Governorship March 14, 2011
*Saying that it is time for actual change to come to RhyDin, representatives for a moss-covered rock found in West End formally announced today that the rock will run for the Governor's office in the 2011 election.
Addressing a crowd of nearly five hundred outside their campaign headquarters in the town center Saturday morning, chief campaign advisor Richard Buffant urged voters to use common sense when it comes to making their choices this election.
"This rock is ready to serve you, the citizens of RhyDin," said Buffant over raucous applause and cheering. "It has been among you, the people, for as long as RhyDin has been here. It has been kicked around and tread upon, but never once has it changed in spite of all that. This rock knows exactly what RhyDin needs, and it isn't a fancy new military or ambulance service. What RhyDin really needs is someone who understands what this place is all about. And that is why when you vote in this upcoming election, you should vote for the most down-to-earth candidate."
Added Buffant: "No other rocks could hold a candle to this rock. This is definitely the best rock for the gubernatorial position."
According to Alfred Hueller, the rock's personal assistant, the decision to run for office spawned from a rumor that circulated during the 2010 election. Groundless and unfounded reports that arose before the 2010 Gubernatorial Debate indicate that Matthew Algiers Simon " the reelection candidate - allegedly said of Sheridan Driscol, "Even this rock is better qualified than my opponent."
"Who knows if that actually happened," said Hueller in an interview Sunday. "But the rest of us got to thinking, well, why the hell not' Driscol's "roots" don't have anything on our superior sediment campaign."
Repeatedly throughout his speech, Buffant labeled both Governor Driscol and former Governor Simon as being "out of touch' with everyday RhyDinians. Though he acknowledged Simon's glowing military record and Driscol's excellent charisma and public speaking skills, Buffant claimed that none of those attributes have anything to do with running the city of RhyDin.
"Let's face it. Being a governor in RhyDin has nothing to do with politics. Either you have the skills to run this city, or you don't. And I am here to tell you that this rock has all the qualities for a good leader by RhyDin's standards. I mean, all the things that RhyDinians historically want in a governor are in this rock, and I'm sure they will relate the most to the rock. So let's vote seriously now."
Added Buffant: "And look. This rock has been through some sh*t. Literally. But it always dealt with it and moved on."
Early polls indicate that the rock is gaining immense popularity, with approval estimates of at least eighteen percent expected to rise in the coming month.
"I just feel like all the former governors haven't really been in touch with what we really want," said Marian Wurstwood, mother of sixteen. "And I really haven't had much luck with voting in the past. But I really feel like this rock is the right candidate for me."
"I voted for Matt Simon in the last three elections," Daniel Brown, 35, said. "I know Matt Simon. I like Matt Simon quite a bit. But that rock is very convincing.?
The moss-covered rock could not be reached for comment.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
Mossy Rock Announces Candidacy for Governorship March 14, 2011
*Saying that it is time for actual change to come to RhyDin, representatives for a moss-covered rock found in West End formally announced today that the rock will run for the Governor's office in the 2011 election.
Addressing a crowd of nearly five hundred outside their campaign headquarters in the town center Saturday morning, chief campaign advisor Richard Buffant urged voters to use common sense when it comes to making their choices this election.
"This rock is ready to serve you, the citizens of RhyDin," said Buffant over raucous applause and cheering. "It has been among you, the people, for as long as RhyDin has been here. It has been kicked around and tread upon, but never once has it changed in spite of all that. This rock knows exactly what RhyDin needs, and it isn't a fancy new military or ambulance service. What RhyDin really needs is someone who understands what this place is all about. And that is why when you vote in this upcoming election, you should vote for the most down-to-earth candidate."
Added Buffant: "No other rocks could hold a candle to this rock. This is definitely the best rock for the gubernatorial position."
According to Alfred Hueller, the rock's personal assistant, the decision to run for office spawned from a rumor that circulated during the 2010 election. Groundless and unfounded reports that arose before the 2010 Gubernatorial Debate indicate that Matthew Algiers Simon " the reelection candidate - allegedly said of Sheridan Driscol, "Even this rock is better qualified than my opponent."
"Who knows if that actually happened," said Hueller in an interview Sunday. "But the rest of us got to thinking, well, why the hell not' Driscol's "roots" don't have anything on our superior sediment campaign."
Repeatedly throughout his speech, Buffant labeled both Governor Driscol and former Governor Simon as being "out of touch' with everyday RhyDinians. Though he acknowledged Simon's glowing military record and Driscol's excellent charisma and public speaking skills, Buffant claimed that none of those attributes have anything to do with running the city of RhyDin.
"Let's face it. Being a governor in RhyDin has nothing to do with politics. Either you have the skills to run this city, or you don't. And I am here to tell you that this rock has all the qualities for a good leader by RhyDin's standards. I mean, all the things that RhyDinians historically want in a governor are in this rock, and I'm sure they will relate the most to the rock. So let's vote seriously now."
Added Buffant: "And look. This rock has been through some sh*t. Literally. But it always dealt with it and moved on."
Early polls indicate that the rock is gaining immense popularity, with approval estimates of at least eighteen percent expected to rise in the coming month.
"I just feel like all the former governors haven't really been in touch with what we really want," said Marian Wurstwood, mother of sixteen. "And I really haven't had much luck with voting in the past. But I really feel like this rock is the right candidate for me."
"I voted for Matt Simon in the last three elections," Daniel Brown, 35, said. "I know Matt Simon. I like Matt Simon quite a bit. But that rock is very convincing.?
The moss-covered rock could not be reached for comment.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.