Topic: Post Letter Rejects!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-03-22 15:09 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

There are some things that serious journalists just can't publish....or at least respond to. But there are also some things that are just too priceless to pass up. And so we here at the Gossip Column have decided to launch a new segment of Post Letter Rejects worth recognition. Oh RhyDin. How we love thee! Disclaimer: Try not to drink anything while reading!

Dear The RhyDin Post, Thanks for keeping that whole naked orc thing on the DL and off the front page. It was just a whole uncomfortable situation for the lot of us.

Dear Editor, I feel so alone! Why the crap haven't you written me back yet!" I hate you!

Dear Post, Could you please, if anyone asks, say I was at your office between the hours of 9 p.m. and 3 a.m. on February 22nd" Thanks.

Dear RhyDin Post, For the record, I only sqwaked like a chicken for three weeks. She exaggerated.

Dear newspaper, I'm too cheap to buy advertising space in your paper, so to everyone reading, remember to get your blubber butter at BillyBob's Blue-Ribbon Blubber Butter! The best boutique for blubber butter!

Dear Post, Did Tara really kill Santa, or is she just showing off"

Dear Editor, Your newspaper sucks, and you have no talent. HI MOM!

Dear RhyDin Post, Can you hook me up with this chick I met at the inn last night' She was a brunette and had blue eyes. I owe you one.

Dear Chief Newspaper-Person, Don't forget to invite the office poltergeist to your holiday party this year. Last year there wasn't enough flying booze or screaming.

Dear Post, If my girlfriend tore my arm off, does that mean she likes me"

Dear RhyDin Post, I found your business section too difficult to read, so I have enclosed the connect-the-dots from page nine I created with the letter "E." Please enjoy.

Dear Post-People, Can you please use your magical powers and make Dris reappear? He owes me money. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-03-29 18:21 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear Post, Just play along. My wife thinks I'm doing our taxes.

Dear RhyDin Post, Thank you for so faithfully keeping my bird's cage clean all these years. As a token of our gratitude, please find the enclosed regurgitated mealworms. I think Polly wanted you to have them.

Dear Editor, Would you please tell the secret agents monitoring my email account that the classified documents are at

Dear The Post, Please inform designer Koyliak Van-Duran Simon that puce is easily the new black, and that I demand seeing more of it in her next collection. I owe you one.

Dear Editor in Chief, I'll bet you ten copper that you won't publish this letter.

To Whom it May Concern: I have strong, psychologically induced hostility directed at the letter "A" that predisposes me to murderous comportment. I would like it if you no longer included it in your news. Much obliged.

Dear Newspaper, Did I take my pills" Sometimes I forget these things. It really is inevitable at my age. The ladies I play bingo with insist that we're not getting older, though, but rather we are getting 'seasoned." But not like a steak seasoning, I don't believe. Nothing quite so savory. Perhaps they mean some kind of seasoned wine, like the kind you enjoy at dinner. Oh, dinner. Did I take my pills with dinner" Should I take more now" See, I always remember to take my pills when I first read your newspaper, but lately I've found myself rereading your articles, I find them so absorbing. Especially the older ones with Alain. You really don't feature him enough. I swear, that young man makes a woman my age feel spry again. He is simply decadent. I could just drizzle him in butter, dip him in something sweet and eat him up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Dinner! That reminds me. Have I taken my pills" I think the last time I took them was while I was doing your crossword puzzle, but I got a little distracted, so I can't be sure. I've been doing the crosswords every day, you see, but never was able to complete it. Well this past one, I finally realized that another name for an African vacation is, in fact, a safari! I know that because, in my youth, I used to go on mission trips to Africa. They aren't entirely as exciting as everyone makes them out to be, but I'll tell you, the food there is simply splendid. I think I tried something new at every meal! Oh! That reminds me. Have I taken my pills yet"

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-04-02 16:38 EST
Help! RhyDin Relationships are Driving Me Nuts!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear Emmet,

What is the deal with all these beautiful people in RhyDin" I can't walk into the Red Dragon Inn without having my man gawk at all the ridiculously gorgeous women there. And you know what? To be brutally honest, I can't blame him! But seriously. When was the last time you saw someone who looks like he just crawled out of a landslide" I'm not talking about strategically placed scars that make a guy even more rugged and good-looking. I'm talking about someone who is truly, authentically, ugly!

Yours truly, Stuck Eying the Beholder

Dear Stuck,

While I could go and rattle off any number of insane theories about the reason for beauty in RhyDin (our money is on the same ingredient in the water that makes women fertile and men virile!), I think I'd rather just address your problem with it. You know, I spent a lot of time touring my planet before I came here, and the situation in RhyDin always reminds me a little bit of L.A. (that's Los Angeles to you). See, back on Earth, L.A. was populated with nothing but rich and beautiful people. If you walked into a realty office looking like you just got scraped off someone's shoe, chances are, you would lose your spot to the supermodel right behind you. It wasn't necessarily personal. Some cities are just backhandedly selective like that.

Don't get me wrong, though. RhyDin isn't nearly as selective as some of the cities back on Earth were. I've seen orcs roaming around (although to be honest, Uhragrar is kind of like the Brad Pitt of the orc world). And, yeah, sometimes Deathlord's minions give me the creeps a little (not to mention the guy himself). But let's face it: RhyDin is kind of like the California (America, folks. Learn your geography!) of Earth. The elites of the gene pool just flock here and multiply. You can't really help it. I remember some guy saying that it's human nature to seek out other humans and socialize. Well" such is the case with our walking gods and goddesses, right"

Look. Not everyone has legs like Aolani's, or eyes like Spade's. Not all women have Joey's, ahem, shapely bosom, and I imagine you'll never again be able to bless your eyes with quite so miraculous a sight as Jaycy walking away ever again. And men" We can't all have Wolvinator's body, nor can we expect to have Alain's perfect hair (seriously, dude. What gel do you use"). And while Falcon's chiseled chin and Nigel's carefree charm is on my wish list, I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. After all, I chose to live here, like we all did, and if I ever find myself unable to cope with any of my flaws, (flaws" What flaws") I will choose to move away. That's the beauty of being in control of my own life.

In short, Stuck, RhyDin is a beautiful place, and while I'm not telling you to count your lucky stars to be a part of it, I certainly won't be the one to kiss you on the forehead and tell you how cruel it is that Jane Doe over there has prettier shoes than you do. This is your home, (and our own personal Hollywood) so I suggest you start to get used to swimming in pulchritude, because I guarantee you, that isn't going to change any time soon!

As a side note, your offhanded remark interested me! We (meaning, men) often find it particularly HOT if women find other women attractive. Next time you see your guy's eyes wandering, why don't you pipe up and say something about her? You might just set off a whole other fantasy in his head that'll leave him wanting to get you home A.S.A.P.!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-04-06 15:40 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear Post, They're totally not his kids. If they are, then sperm can not only fly, but conjure themselves out of thin air.

Hey Post-People! I have to know. Do you think they drug test those dueling folks" No way is Psly that beefed-up all on his own!

Dear Mr. Bane: So' if my husband died, and I remarried, and then the first one miraculously came back to life" does that make my second marriage legal"

Dear Resident: "Im sorry! U r 2 small! Im leaving u 4 an orc!" Don't let these words be the last you ever hear in your relationship! Become better endowed and better able to please your partner with new and improved VIRILEX, made from real orc hormones! Get the strength, the stamina, and the satisfaction you deserve with VIRILEX! VIRILEX is not currently approved by the RHA and excessive use could result in appendicular necrosis, uncontrollable rage, and shrinkage. Any patients suffering from green discoloration should consult a doctor immediately.

Dear Post, How much you want to bet that the reason Sarah is engaged is because you guys featured her on your "Hottest New Women to Watch' list' Sha-zam! Who'd have thought Rix was a reader"

Dear Emmet, So my elvish, orcish, part-dragon, vampiric, incubus accountant of a boyfriend tells me he's having identity issues. Puh-lease. Some of us have bigger problems, right"

Dear Subscriber, Your encrypted password has been compromised. Please send your account and pin number to the following address so that we may secure it again for you.

Dear RhyDin Post, I am quite fond of Paige Connelly's work. Her syntax and sentence structure is almost as riveting as her coquettish smile and come-hither look as she chews so innocently on that pen in her headshot. I think you should consider publishing full-body images of your columnists. Just a thought.

Dear Writers: I'm having a crisis! Is it the little hand that tells the hour, or the big one"!

Dear Mr. Bane, I married the wrong man! His evil twin, the vampire, showed up in his place! I wonder if I could take advantage of this situation, somehow"

Dear Emmet, So get this. I've heard some jell-o company wants to slap Darcy Huntington's face on their packaging. Ever since, I haven't been able to look at the stuff, let alone eat it. But my husband now insists that it has suddenly become his favorite food. As if she didn't have her fingers in everyone else's lives to begin with, now she's going to make it into every RhyDin household and tempt our men" Hardly fair, wouldn't you say"

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-04-13 20:28 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear Post, Don't worry! What I'm sending you isn't Anthrax. It's just some really good coke. Enjoy!

Dear Smart People, Is it just me, or is Imp kind of lacking in" Or maybe I'm just blind, and I don't see any' But, um' How does he reproduce" Just saying.

Dear RhyDin Post, I've decided to start my own publication and steal your business and ideas. Got any pointers" Thanks.

Dear Editor, So' I voted for Aaron. Can I have some free booze now"

Dear Emmet, OMG! You should TOTALLY make me your buddy on RhyFriends! Then we can comment on G's antics together and I can share every single detail of my life with you! Lololololllll! <33333

DEAR SUBSCRIBER: Is your diet routine sluggish' Have you hit that weight plateau that you just can't seem to overcome" Do you find it impossible to lose those last ten or twenty pounds, no matter how hard you try' Are you worried that you'll never be able to achieve your target weight"

Worry no longer! For the past six years, zombie and leper developers in the bowels of RhyDin's underbelly have been working on a fast-track weight-loss solution to help you shed those unwanted pounds! And now, they have it! Faceless Physicians Inc. is pleased to present to you Slough-X, a new miracle pill that guarantees the loss of at least fifteen percent of your body weight!

Slough-X uses a special combination of ingredients to dissolve your integumentary system in a matter of hours, so you can be fifteen to twenty pounds lighter for absolutely any weigh-in or event! It's THAT effective!

And that's not all! If you order a supply of Slough-X RIGHT NOW, we'll throw in a state of the art guillotine, guaranteed to help you lose another eight to ten pounds, ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Don't wait for this offer to expire! Order your supply of Slough-X TODAY! Remember. If you're not screaming in agony, you're not beautiful!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-04-23 18:33 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear Post, Do me a favor and look after my kids for a week" I'll be in the Bahamas.

Dear RhyDin Post, I know you took my other sock. Don't play dumb! I put the sock in the washing machine, and when I came back to get it, it was gone. I know you took it, so give it back NOW!

Dear Post, If I got shot in that little inn bar brawl" do you think Panther will reimburse me for my medical bills"

Dear Editor, It has come to my attention in the past few issues of your publication that the allure quotient of your newspaper is radically dipping. In the last four months, only two images with navels were published, and absolutely no cleavage was shown whatsoever. As a representative of a cleavage-loving portion of your readers, I felt it necessary to point out this critical flaw so that you may make amends ASAP. If you feel I have reached this assessment in error, I will happily accept an honorarium of sorts, so that I may go and purchase myself a much more explicit publication. But in that case, you will have lost yourself a customer. Good day.

Dear Newspaper, Do me a favor and tell the mages reading this to cast some weather hoodoo or something to make it rain" My tomatoes aren't growing right!

Dear RhyDin Post, Don't you think it would be cooler if we didn't have ears" I mean seriously. Just lop them off, and give everyone the whole bulbous head look. Dragons can usually pull it off. And newts. I like newts. We should all be more like newts.

Dear Editor, I will have you know, I take issue with your most recent poll. What do you have against jellybeans, sir or madam, and why do you feel the need to list them as "Other?" It is not enough that jellybeans are only really featured one time per year, but now they have to be snubbed by the population at large, and so blatantly' As educated men and women of the journalistic variety, I would have expected better of you than to shun a confectionary that is already the outcast of the candy aisle. Have you no decency"

Dear Post, So while nudity seems to be in the dress code for big huge public events like the Beltane, I don't want to be "wearing" something someone else is already wearing, you know? Is there any way you can like, keep track of the number of streakers this season' That'd be a big help!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-05-13 12:33 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear Emmet, What is this I hear about a carnival" You think Jolyon will be there promoting his latest harvest' Because if there is anything RhyDin can do right, it's drunken escapades!

Dear Editor, Do you hear Ali's voice or your own in your head when you read things" I happen to find it easier to remember things if I picture him saying things I read directly to me. Mmmmmm' yesssss" You read those words, Ali. You read them all night.

To My Arch Nemesis: C/O the RhyDin Post: Ah, my Arch Nemesis. We meet again. You have perhaps been wondering where I have been the past eleven years. Well, while you have been resting comfortably on your immoderate salary and growing soft with age, I have been in intensive training and meditation, strengthening my body and mind to a level far beyond the level of your benighted comprehension. Do not ask me for a demonstration, for that would be far beneath me, and I would not debase my superior character so foully. You may have been victorious before, but rest assured, peon' your success has reached an untimely end. I am no longer the man I was eleven years ago. I have transformed, puny mortal. I have become the embodiment of your doom. The lustrous green domain that was your providential triumph will be marred with the rounded gouges of defeat, and you will know despair in its most primal form. You will grieve over the loss of what dignity you once had, and once I have stripped every last ounce of esteem from your humbled, piteously weeping form, I will remunerate this titleist by parading the weapon of your defeat through all of RhyDin. You think you know what it is to devote yourself wholly to such an honoured and admirable sport' You are in for a rude awakening. Be wary, peon. In no sooner than six weeks, you will learn that I am the greatest ping pong champion in RhyDin. I shall have the Ping Pong Ball Bonanza 2010! title, or I shall have your head.

Dear Editor: For the most part, it seems that you mainly only publish flattering letters you receive to the newspaper. You are so awesome! Keep up the great work!

Dear Post, Heyyy! So' what kills vampires" Because I'm not quite sure how much longer that door will stay closed with him bashing on it so much. And now that I mention it, the frame is just now beginning to splinter, and I can hear his shrieking quite easily through the evident gaps in wood panels to the left and right of the entryway. If you could get back to me in the next, oh, twelve seconds, that'd be great. Thanks!

Dear Newspaper, Would you please impart unto me the precise meaning of "whoopass," and please direct me to where I may purchase a can of this product' Thank you.

Dear Post: I'm going to be off-planet this Saturday, so don't worry about publishing an issue that day.

Dear RhyDin Post, So I've decided we need political parties in this here town. Since the Driscol Strikers are already kind of established, and I disagree with everything Brian Ravenlock, I will hereby establish the Brian Strikers. For ever D.S.er, there will be three B.S.ers! Soon RhyDin will be full of nothing but B.S.ers, and we'll be B.S.ing all over the place until we're blue in the face. Tremble in fear, RhyDin!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-06-26 00:32 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear Post, Just thought I'd share the good news. It turns out that letter my doctor sent me about the three months I had left to live was actually addressed to my son by the same name and address. Dodged a bullet there!



Dear RhyDin Post, What the crap is with all these Watch people all over the place so suddenly' A guy can't beat his wife without fear of intervention or of being reprimanded in some way. Honestly. What is the world coming to"



Dear Editor, Thank you so much for publishing that in-depth article on Damarco. Now I have extensive information to add to my personality portfolio of her. Just a few more pictures with my super-zoom telephoto lenses and it will be complete!



Hey Post-Masters! What is it with people writing angry letters just to be published" I mean, I really couldn't be more disgusted. Publicity isn't everything. Just seeing your own words in print can't be the highlight of your week. If it is, then you need some serious fricken help. GROW UP, PEOPLE.



TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

RhyDin is a place for wishing! Magical faeries have put a spell on this letter so that anything you wish will come true! So go ahead, wish!

Have you wished yet"

Go on, wish!

And" POOF!

Now you must forward this letter! In the next five minutes, if you forward this letter to:

1 person: Your wish might come true. Then again, faeries get tired easily, so there's a big chance they won't make the effort for just one person. 2-5 people: Your wish will probably come true! Can you feel the magic" 5-10 people: Your wish will definitely come true! Who needs a djinn or a genie when you can have the magical work of invisible and ambiguous faerie species!

IF YOU DO NOT FORWARD THIS LETTER, DRASTIC CONSEQUENCES WILL ENSUE!

Billy Beeston one day got a letter in the mail that encouraged him to make a wish. Ignoring it completely, he tossed it into the garbage. Five days later, he was mauled by a lycanthrope, died, and was sent to hell where he is now cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for an eternity.

DON"T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!

IF YOU DO NOT FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE IN YOUR MAILBOX IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, SINJIN FAI AND SALVADOR DELAHADA WILL COME INTO YOUR HOUSE, MENTALLY TRAUMATIZE YOUR CHILDREN AND KNOT UP YOUR INTESTINES LIKE A LOVELY YULETIDE BOW!!!

It's not hard, so spread this thing like leprosy!

GOOD LUCK!!!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-08-07 19:11 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear Posties, So I know these days supposedly one in five people meet and become couples over RhyFriends, but this never seems to work out for me! So I know that I'm not exactly blonde, one-fifteen, or" human' but isn't this supposed to be about other forms of attraction'

Dearest Emmet,

Will you be the father of my children" I say this in all seriousness, and only partially out of flattering, shrine-holding obsession of your gossip-slinging self. And if you are unwilling (though I really hope that you aren't), would you be willing to help me find someone else to father my children" See, I'm very ready for children. No, I'm not attached, and no, I've never had a quote-unquote "relationship" unquote with anyone, but I promise you, I am so ready to just start popping them out like nobody's business. It's my turn, I've decided. I've seen these RhyDin women strut their chicken legs around taverns and such while hauling three to four offspring around like baggage, and it's hardly fair. When am I going to get that kind of unfathomable, unconditional shrieking affection' I deserve to have the voids in my life filled just as much as the next uterus-carrier. Look. I've even picked out names. Hephaestus will be our first son, and he'll do his momma proud by helping her stock potato chips at the convenience store. Taticasejemiah will be our girl, and I'll get her all enrolled in those gum-chewing classes so she can be a world champ at a young age and let her momma retire early. Bud will be our last. We won't talk about Bud. We'll just have him because every family needs a black sheep. It's a sympathy thing. And that's just the beginning! I plan on cranking them out until my insides shrivel and die. Rest assured, your legacy will live on. So what do you think" Can you help a woman out with some swimmers, or are you going to let all those other RhyDin floozies hog the baby merchandise"

Dear Editor: I would like to express my offense at your latest "Triple A" article. Not only have you smeared the name of a reliable source of energy, but you have also risked corrupting our youth by openly acknowledging a marital union between not only three, but four individuals. You should be aware that children raised by multi-sex couples are at a greater risk of marrying more than one life partner at a time in their lives. What will happen in the future, then, when everyone marries in varying multiples of three, five, or even ten, and are inevitably breeding among themselves" This type of living is not appropriate. We are on a collision course for an unholy apocalypse here in RhyDin, and with the Nexus as my witness, the first ones that will be smitten will be these selfish, multi-marrying heathens. And trust me when I say that they will get what they deserve if they haven't already from their neighbors. It must not be tolerated. It cannot be tolerated. I refuse to let you legitimize these multi-marrying couples in the eyes of our youth without reprimand, and unless you publish a message to that effect immediately, you are no better than these sinners themselves.

Sincerely, Anonymous Mortal Retribution

Editor's Note: Due to legal reasons, the Post is not obligated to respond.

However. I will.

RhyDin, I am only going to say this once, since I'm not very good at this politically-charged writing. Every creature in RhyDin is entitled to individual rights, and is entitled to his or her beliefs. But ladies and gents, when those beliefs begin to encroach upon the rights of others, it ceases to be a morally-driven argument, and in essence becomes a blind prejudice. Be aware that no one in a free society like RhyDin will stand for that. You may flame and criticize as much as you like, because you are entitled to freedom of speech (heck, I criticize out the wazoo). But the instant your criticisms become actual condemnations, the implications of which are physical or emotional harm, you cross a line.

That is all.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-09-11 13:11 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear RhyDin Post,

The somberness and seriousness of your newspaper is getting to be incredibly depressing lately. Would it kill you to throw a knock-knock joke in there somewhere" You know" for comic relief"

Dear Post,

Please explain the latest Nuts in RhyDin comic to me. I don't get it.

To the Editor:

Just an observation. All those people who say that too many cooks spoil the broth obviously haven't tried my orcish specialty: Double RhyDin Chef Head and Elven Ear Bisque. The extra bodies and gristle make the flavor much more robust.

RhyDin Post:

You have resources, don't you? Can't you use your magical, wily ways to encourage some mages around the city to turn the temperature down just a little bit' It's so effing HOT. I got so desperate I tried to make a Badsider slushie at the Outback the other day. Which reminds me" If anyone asks, I was at your place all night, and you know nothing about the beer foam stains all over the bar.

To Whom it May Concern:

I have it under good authority that the Post receives two dead gnomes in the mail each week. What I would like to know is: Who is sending the other one"

Hey Post,

I will do that thing you said, but only as long as you bring the sequined bell-bottoms and drow taffy.

Dear Emmet,

This Sylus Kurgen must be stopped! Even though I refused to buy my boys his action figures, (I don't condone violence, even if it is a sport here) they still managed to get a hold of a pair of them. Little Chase was in the hospital for three days after the self-destruct mechanism misfired and he had a major concussion! And now I'm being told that Mr. Kurgen was seen assaulting poor Icer, the heroine of mothers like me everywhere, and trying to ride her?! I'm not talking about hopping on and going for a fly. I'm talking about putting a saddle and reins on her and treating her like an inferior being! Now all my boys can talk about is how they want to be like Lang Darkwing and Sylus Kurgen when they grow up, and they're looking into starting dragon-riding intramurals at their elementary school! This is completely unacceptable, and I cannot stand for it any more! I've begun to put together resources to form the Mothers Against Sylus Kurgen (M.A.S.K.) group. Spread the word. This is not a role model our children should look up to!

Dear Post:

I have intercepted a transmission from an intergalactic alien colony that intends to come to RhyDin and abduct only the handsome and beautiful people. You will be safe here, but I just wanted to tell you goodbye.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-09-18 19:20 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Mister Bane!

O.M.G. Johnny looks sooooo smoking hot in skinny jeans. You think you could write him and convince him to make this change permanent"

Dear Post:

I must hereby dispute your most recently published medical article. I have done LSD hundreds of times, and only once ever turned into a zombie.

Emmet Bane:

I've been thinking some things over lately. Based on their obvious lifestyles, how is it everyone in RhyDin isn't dead" And on the other end of the spectrum, with everyone coming back, how is it we're not completely overpopulated"

To the Attention of Amelia Enderwood:

I am offended, amused, and entertained by your article on the Ten Types of Post Readers. If I were you, I would have a little more care about alienating your readers.

Dear Post,

Just in case you were wondering" I woke up this morning with a hunk of Tara's hair in my purse. I think I've learned these days to stop questioning what happens in the Inn on open bar nights.

Hey Emmet,

Just asking for a little input, here. If I stabbed my fork into Harris' thigh, do you think I could make it look like an accident"

Dear RhyDin Post,

Would you please forward a message to Gemmers for me" If she doesn't want to let him woo her, then tell her to she should just step the heck aside and give the rest of us a chance. And P.S. There's totally a difference between being picky-choosy and being stuck-up. Hugs and kisses.

Dear Emmet:

Am I the only one who thinks David Lo might actually have a shot at ballet' Don't bash it until you try it, buster.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-09-24 11:15 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Dear Post,

I have two really great jokes to tell you that I heard the other day! How many elves does it take to change a light bulb'

Two. One to change the light bulb, and the other to argue with his Kin about whether his blood is pure enough to actually deserve the honor of changing the light bulb.

And the other"

A dwarf walked out of a bar.

PFFFHAHAHAHAHA!

Hey Posties,

There was not nearly enough outrage expressed over your satirical superheroes article. So allow me to speak for everyone when I say' What the hell"!

Emmet!

Haha! That was a really funny superhero thingamajig. But you totally forgot to mention my boyfriend, , in it. No worries, though. I have the best title in the world for him, and you're welcome to use it. He's totally a IF-YOU'RE-NOT-GOING-TO-RETURN-MY-CALLS-YOU-MAY-AS -WELL-GIVE-ME-BACK-MY-@#&!-BLENDER Man.

To Whom It May Concern:

This is a virus warning! The RhyDin Watch cybernetic security team has intercepted a malicious virus that has been circulating the Outer-Web. If you receive an email with the subject of "SEXYFAI" delete it immediately! This virus will not only blow up your computer, but it will infect you and all of your loved ones with the plague.

It will taint all of the Badsider in your fridge and make it taste only like Silver Mark.

It will ruin your dueling streak.

It will instill in your children polygamous desires.

It will give your murderous ex-girlfriend your telephone number and a key to your place.

It will take the last fricking piece of toilet paper and not replace the roll.

ARE YOU SCARED YET"!

It will make all of your Sylus Kurgen action figures lose their value by taking them out of the box.

It will automatically issue a challenge to Mur Ollavan.

It will open up a clinic in your name.

It will move your address to the Shimmerscale lair, even though it knows you #)(&)! HATE KIDS!

It will buy your daughter five hundred Tribbles and convince her to breed them for a living.

It will enroll you in a jell-o wrestling match.

ARE YOU SCARED YET"! ARE YOU TERRIFIED?!

If your software is outdated by even one day, this virus will completely explode all of RhyDin! And if you do not send this to 10,000 people in the next thirty seconds, not only will you die a horrible, horrible death, but you will be cursed with an eternity cleaning zombie back sweat.

SO SEND IT ALREADY!

P.S. If you are an elf or a dragon, this is a joke.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-10-08 11:46 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

October 8, 2010

Dear RhyDin Post,

Hi. I just thought I would write every major writey thingy and tell them how utterly and incredibly stupid I am. Consider this a formal apology for the utter idiocy I have subjected RhyDin to. I honestly can't help that I was born oxygen-deprived and have a face that looks like a lumpy rotten onion. I'm so stupid that I used my birth date as my password for this computer. How stupid is that"

Burr-hurr-hurr. See, I was going to say something else there, but I forgot it, because I'm a stupid freaking idiot. So instead I'll just regale you with verbal sewage worth absolutely nothing since that's the only thing I am physically capable of producing. Did I mention I smell like soiled cat litter" It's probably because I eat it on a regular basis, which would explain why my teeth look like crap and I feel the need to overcompensate by wearing too much cheap-a** cologne that gives me a neck rash. But that is only when I don't feel like stuffing my fat, ugly face with everyone else's food from the Red Dragon's refrigerator, even though that container was CLEARLY LABELED "Property of Brian Kinnigan; Do not touch!" But see, I'm so freaking stupid, I can't even read, even with my bloodshot, squinty mouse-eyes.

Here are some other lesser-known facts about me, in case you wanted to know: My name is Darryl Hurley, and I am the biggest loser on the face of this planet. Because I am too pathetic to throw my fat, useless self off a cliff, and because I am a whiny, clingy bastard who craves attention, I fully plan on assassinating Governor Driscol and stabbing the small children that I stole from the local orphanage and keep in my basement. Did I mention my address" Oh, I didn't' Well it's 4010 S. Maine, New Haven. And my number is 919-449-1882. So feel free to call and harass me or come over to arrest and brutally beat me, because, you know, I'm stupid, and I'll probably just laugh like an idiot while you do it.

Yours truly, Darryl Hurley

Dear Post:

Remind me to change my password.

Sincerely, D. Hurley

Dear Newspaper:

I am writing you today to address an epidemic and an unfortunate tragedy that has befallen the men, women, and children of our beloved city. I'm talking about the over-commercialization of the Halloween holiday. I am completely disgusted that these days children think all Halloween is about is wearing costumes and eating candy for fun. What ever happened to the good old times, when trick-or-treating was merely an excuse to humiliate your starving neighbors by making them perform songs or dances in exchange for a stale, poorly-made food to settle their shrunken stomachs" When did carving pumpkins and wearing costumes change from a necessary precaution to ward off demonic spirits from the astral realm and souls from purgatory into something - ugh - fun" And could you please tell me exactly when it became a tradition to host a Halloween party or a dueling event but not a ritualistic bonfire and sacrifice to appease the bloodthirsty demons and soul-snatchers on the next plane" I mean, honestly! Stabbing out the heart of a goat isn't just to save us from a blight of wraiths and plague, you know. It is a community event. How the heck do people expect to bond over individually-wrapped pieces of sugar that have absolutely no blood in them' Be realistic.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-01-25 17:54 EST
Unpublishable Letter Rejects!

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

January 25, 2011

To Whom It May Concern:

So get this. My next-door neighbor pounded on my door at four in the morning. FOUR in the MORNING! Fortunately I was up already tuning my bagpipes, but SERIOUSLY.



Opst Edar,

I am rwiting on behlaf of teh Rhdyin Dsyleixc Socitey. Plaese sned us mony. Tanhk you.



Dear RhyDin Post:

You know that story you recently published about someone or something controversial" I disagree with that.



Dear Post,

You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.



Miss Duarf:

I read somewhere that Terrans are all in an uproar over a change in the zodiac. They have no idea what to do with themselves now that they don't know what traits, characteristics, and tendencies they have! How does this pertain to RhyDin" If the Terrans get a new zodiac sign added, does that mean we get two' If such is the case, I vote at least one is a fire-breathing unicorn. Because seriously. What is not compatible with a fire-breathing unicorn"



Dear Post,

We're having a poker game this weekend and are short one player. Would you mind babysitting for my brother-in-law"



Dear Emmet:

A bunch of my friends and I discovered that quitting our jobs significantly increases our drinking time. We're starting a club and planning to nominate Fiora as president. Do you want in"



Dear RhyDin Post,

I do not know whether to be proud or disappointed to be the one to tell you this, but it seems as though my business is the only one left in RhyDin. I attended the business gala according to the flier you published recently, and was disturbed and flattered to discover that Nicky's Fabulous Faux Tans and Body Piercing was the only business being represented that evening. But while I am saddened to learn that other companies in RhyDin are ever so transient and unpredictable, I would like to take this opportunity to let RhyDin know that Nicky's Fabulous Faux Tans and Body Piercing will always be there for them. It will ever be a foundation of enterprise to build upon.

P.S. Since it seems the advertised door prizes were misplaced, I helped myself to some of the paintings in the Great Hall and that chicken salad sandwich from the fridge. Hope you don't mind.



Dear Emmet,

I deleted my RhyTweet account. Could you please tell everyone I had sausage for breakfast"