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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Rare Species of Not-Complete-Dick Duelist Found August 11, 2011
*Two brothers spending the evening in their local tavern Monday spotted a rare species of duelist not native to RhyDin in the form of a thirty year-old human male named Lenny.
Matt and Steven Miller told the W.G.A.D. Weekly Monday that they saw the 6"2, auburn-haired creature at Pickup Pete's, a diner in WestEnd that specializes in savory beer-battered catfish heads and blackberry malt liquor.
"At first I thought I was hearing things," Steven informed the W.G.A.D.W. in a follow-up interview. "We chatted briefly about the duel standings, and when he noticed I was having trouble with my bad knee, he offered to get me a beer from the bar. Then he apologized and introduced himself politely. I didn't pee my pants or anything, but let me tell you if my bladder were any smaller I would have."
Graduate-level anthropologists at Northside University, once apprised of this information, were quick to study the duelist's movements extensively, leading them back to the Arena to observe it objectively in its original habitat.
"Initially we surmised that the Misters Miller were simply incorrect in their identification of this particular species of duelist, seeing as they are not necessarily educated in the matter," Dr. Mohammed Ula of the NSU anthropology department said. "But after considerable observation, we were able to conclude that this duelist is, in fact, not a complete dick."
Added Ula: "A truly rare find!"
This rare species of duelist, scientifically known as Duelus nondickia, is a profoundly unique divergence from its original genus, characteristically known for its exceptionally dickish behavior. Contrarily, Duelus nondickia is known most for its non-dickish and sometimes even civil mannerisms " an evolutionary quirk that scientists are confident has been fazed out through the natural process of evolution.
"Up until now we were convinced that duelists who weren't complete dicks had gone extinct through a weeding out process by dickish duelists," Ula explained. "After a number of generations undergoing typical survival-of-the-fittest adaptations elapsed, it seemed evident that all considerate genes were wiped out or eclipsed by completely dickish genes in the duelist genus. But now we see we may have been wrong."
In response to this new discovery, scientists at NSU captured the specimen and immediately proceeded to subject it to a series of painful recombinant DNA techniques intended to preserve the non-dick gene and perpetuate the species. In time, they hope to recreate the not-dick species of duelist, effectively isolating and obliterating from the gene pool purposefully dickish behaviors such as not using a coaster or leaving the toilet seat up in a unisex bathroom.
"I am confident that someday we can live in a world that is not solely populated by complete dicks," Ula told the Post cheerfully. "But at the moment we're more than a few needle pricks and organ harvests away from that kind of future."
In related news, NSU is also researching the incidence of the dominant dick genotype in women.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
Rare Species of Not-Complete-Dick Duelist Found August 11, 2011
*Two brothers spending the evening in their local tavern Monday spotted a rare species of duelist not native to RhyDin in the form of a thirty year-old human male named Lenny.
Matt and Steven Miller told the W.G.A.D. Weekly Monday that they saw the 6"2, auburn-haired creature at Pickup Pete's, a diner in WestEnd that specializes in savory beer-battered catfish heads and blackberry malt liquor.
"At first I thought I was hearing things," Steven informed the W.G.A.D.W. in a follow-up interview. "We chatted briefly about the duel standings, and when he noticed I was having trouble with my bad knee, he offered to get me a beer from the bar. Then he apologized and introduced himself politely. I didn't pee my pants or anything, but let me tell you if my bladder were any smaller I would have."
Graduate-level anthropologists at Northside University, once apprised of this information, were quick to study the duelist's movements extensively, leading them back to the Arena to observe it objectively in its original habitat.
"Initially we surmised that the Misters Miller were simply incorrect in their identification of this particular species of duelist, seeing as they are not necessarily educated in the matter," Dr. Mohammed Ula of the NSU anthropology department said. "But after considerable observation, we were able to conclude that this duelist is, in fact, not a complete dick."
Added Ula: "A truly rare find!"
This rare species of duelist, scientifically known as Duelus nondickia, is a profoundly unique divergence from its original genus, characteristically known for its exceptionally dickish behavior. Contrarily, Duelus nondickia is known most for its non-dickish and sometimes even civil mannerisms " an evolutionary quirk that scientists are confident has been fazed out through the natural process of evolution.
"Up until now we were convinced that duelists who weren't complete dicks had gone extinct through a weeding out process by dickish duelists," Ula explained. "After a number of generations undergoing typical survival-of-the-fittest adaptations elapsed, it seemed evident that all considerate genes were wiped out or eclipsed by completely dickish genes in the duelist genus. But now we see we may have been wrong."
In response to this new discovery, scientists at NSU captured the specimen and immediately proceeded to subject it to a series of painful recombinant DNA techniques intended to preserve the non-dick gene and perpetuate the species. In time, they hope to recreate the not-dick species of duelist, effectively isolating and obliterating from the gene pool purposefully dickish behaviors such as not using a coaster or leaving the toilet seat up in a unisex bathroom.
"I am confident that someday we can live in a world that is not solely populated by complete dicks," Ula told the Post cheerfully. "But at the moment we're more than a few needle pricks and organ harvests away from that kind of future."
In related news, NSU is also researching the incidence of the dominant dick genotype in women.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.