You Ain't Exactly a Basket of Roses Either, Sweetcheeks

http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/stew-2-1-1-1.jpg By: The Stew January 3, 2010

We have to talk.

I know you said this time was the last time, or that you were only doing this for my own good, but that's exactly what you said last week. And the week before that. And the week before that. I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep living the lie. When new patrons come into the kitchen and ask where I got the new dents from, I just do what I always do and keep my lid shut. What else am I supposed to do' Tell them the truth"

We used to be happy once. We were young together and in love, and when you tasted me for the first time decades ago you told me you'd appreciate me forever. I thought I had found the love of my life. I thought you would never hurt me. But then the years passed, and you looked on with disdain at my curdles and the burnt flakes floating around inside me. You called me rancid and moldy, and told everyone new to town to stay away from me. You started exploring newer, fresher flavors when you thought I wasn't looking. But I always saw. I knew you were going to take your pick of the harlots from the fridge that night in November. What will it be tomorrow" Broccoli" Split pea" Borscht' French Onion' When did I become so wrong for you that you felt you had to tiptoe around me and carry a metal spoon"

I get it. I know I made a hash of things once, that evening when Mason was borrowing something from the spice rack. I'm not proud of the things I've done. But I was lonely, and I missed you. I just wanted to be noticed again.

Not like this. Never like this.

I don't know whether you're punishing me, or if you're just tired of me and are trying to drive me away so you can be free to do your own things. In either case, I'm here to congratulate you, because I've had enough. I don't deserve your abuse or the pieces of charcoal and old, nappy shoes you throw into me. I can find someone that will appreciate me for who I am and who will go the extra mile to pamper me. I'll bet you haven't even HEARD of Adidas.

I have a real shot here at happiness. I think I've found love again. I'm sure you know her. She knows how to treat someone like me, and I don't hold my bubbles every time she comes into the kitchen to cook or bake brownies. I don't sit there wondering if she's carrying a spoon or a wrench, or is in any particular mood to wail on copper. She's not like that. She won't hurt me just because my broth is a little thicker than most, or because my ingredients smell like formaldehyde.

I hope you'll be happy someday, and that you'll find someone who won't boil you or throw rocks at you when you become lumpy or bitter. But what am I saying" You're well on your way there, toots. Not to burst your bubbles, but you aren't exactly a spring chicken yourself. And all that seawater isn't exactly doing wonders for your complexion. You'll never change for the better. I don't care how many philanthropic towns you try to renovate or spas you try to build. I'll always see you as what you are: A self-righteous, over-achieving stew abuser. Oh, yeah. And those pants do make you look fat. It must be from all your over-indulgence with that French Onion wench. What' You don't like that I'm saying" You think I'm insulting you? Well I'm not afraid of you anymore. What are you going to do, sweet cheeks" Chase after me" On that liver, you won't get very far. Yeah, I've seen all those tequila shots you've been inhaling.

But the beauty of all this is I don't have to care any longer. I'm here to tell you that I'm done with you. I won't take your abuse anymore. I'm making a stand. Squat. Puddle. Whatever. And as soon as I can find someone to take me off the burner, you'll never have to think about me again. I'll bet that makes you all warm and fuzzy in your happy places, doesn't it' So fine. Go back to your midnight soup du jours, go back to your lunchtimes with those skanks from Campbell. Go glut yourself on Ramen. I couldn't care less. Because any day now someone will take pity on me, come and pick me up, and whisk me away to be enjoyed somewhere else.

Aaaaaaaany day now?

Not That I'm Into Robots, but That is One Tasty Mechanical Dish

http://i.imgur.com/Oyu5J.gif By: Heyluke Uhmustash September 28, 2011

So not that I'm into robots or anything, but I tell you what, I think that one that always seems to swoop in to save the day is utterly delicious.

As someone who is completely unaffiliated with these kinds of things (and who knows absolutely nothing about the BSX-9419 reverse fuel engine that powers them) I just have to say: Where has he been my whole life" Not that I know it's a guy, but judging by the hyper-masculine contours of that robotic frame, at the very least it must be inspired by significant manliness. I mean, look at those cherry-shaped buttock plates. Look at those handsomely tapered reinforced double-plated lithium and titanium carbines. All I'm saying is the rich genius thought that thing up had to have been just as good looking.

Look at that visor! I wonder what kind of handsome circuitry lies beneath it. Of course, I myself have no idea what amount of ram it takes to conduct a holographic navigation interface of that level. But even as an average civilian who is completely unaffiliated with technology or cybernetic design, I can appreciate the artistry. A lot of love went into that machine. And you know what? I would not mind putting a little some more in myself.

What really needs to be said about someone (or something) that puts himself (itself) into harm's way for the sake of the innocent population' Come on. How utterly selfless and strikingly hot is that' People just don't do that in RhyDin. But apparently this thing does. Really' If there were some way to go out with one of those sexy, sexy mechanical suit robot things, I would totally do so. Especially if I were a slender, smart woman between the age of twenty-five and thirty who enjoys wearing naughty lingerie and isn't afraid to try new things.

I don't really see what all the guff is about asking a robot out. All robots (or simply mechanically-suited heroes....not that I know it's that or anything, as I am neither a mechanically-suited hero nor a robot of any kind) need appreciation from time to time. So what if all they do is fly in when RhyDinians are in dire peril and save the day' Did it ever occur to you naysayers that maybe they could use a little gratitude for all their efforts" Selfless and ruggedly handsome as they are, saving lives is hard work and can be wearisome at times. Do you know how hard it is to be vigilant, day in, day out' To watch the city while it sleeps and protect it from destruction and ruin" It certainly doesn't help that Panther picked, like, the most strategically disastrous setup for his bar, and that defending it from a drive-by here and there is virtually impossible. But hey, I'm not complaining, because it's not like it's me out there scuffing my suit up because some people just have this addiction to leaping in front of guns. News flash, bullets are made to punch holes in people. It wouldn't hurt to, oh I don't know, take cover now and again.

....Not that I know about such things. I'm just speaking in generalities.

So what?s wrong with bringing our hero a bottle of wine or something" Robots drink wine. And not that I know anything about robot tastes, but I hear Cain Five is always very widely received. You know. By the robot population and such.

Now don't ask me how I came into this information " as I have never met nor know anything about our lone savior and assassination averter " but I have heard that one of our hero's favorite hangout spots is at the Red Dragon Inn. You know. Just in case of errant gunfire some night. And knowing that I, an anonymous civilian who has no stake in these matters, can at least safely say that a little fanfare ought to be in order. Nothing huge. Just something to show a little appreciation for these guys. Such selfless sexiness, in my opinion, should not go unrewarded.

Help a Stalker Out, Would Ya"

http://i.imgur.com/Y6SiMTy.jpg By: Juss Sumgai August 19, 2013

Holy heck. I don't think I've ever been so wiped out in my entire life! There is only so much stalking a guy can do before he reaches his limit. I tell you what: Following Jewell around and keeping up with her stamina is seriously a full time job.

Look at my hands! Full of splinters from scaling her fence. This bruise" Got that from falling out of the tree where I was perched up with binoculars. And what?s more, I think I'm developing some kind of allergic reaction to whatever it is that was in her garbage from sifting through it all night. Do my glands look swollen to you? She should really compost. It's much better for the environment.

I think I've gone through about six cases of energy drinks in the past month alone, and I am seriously still struggling to keep up with this woman. Where does she get her energy' You'd think I'd know the answer to that, having stalked her for this long, but every day I still learn new things. It really boggles the mind. You think you know someone" You sneak in every day to smell their clothes and roll in their bed sheets while they're away, and still you come across something that surprises you. Just the other day, for instance, when I was carrying on my usual routine I saw something I did not expect to see. Who would have thought Jewell had a tattoo there" And of that" Delightful!

Where was I" Forgive me. I am simultaneously documenting her verbal musings from a non-suspicious distance of twenty feet. I have several journals full of them, you see. She should really author her own novel. I for one would buy tons of copies. But do you see what I mean' I can't take one break these days " this woman just does not stop. Of course, this is part of the reason why I love her (and she loves me too, I know it), but I am beginning to worry about my health. I haven't had a proper meal since that half-eaten sandwich she threw away three days ago. She is just constantly moving all the time! And when she runs, it means I have to run faster. It is outright exhausting at times, and almost makes me want to retire from stalking entirely!

" GOODNESS ME! How could I possibly ever think such a thing" I may be near my limit, but that does not excuse such an outrageous statement. Certainly there are jobs in your life that you find taxing, but you've got to keep at them because in the end the reward is worth it. And of rewards, I already have so many. All of my photos" that cup she drank from that one time" the lipstick she left in a public restroom' How could I ever give that up"

Writing this now, I have decided that my resolve is stronger than ever. I will be stealthier, quicker, and much more lively. Of all the stalkable people in RhyDin, she is the only one worth sticking it out. Besides" What else would I be doing with my time" Stalking Apple"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH? Ohhhh, shoot. I kill myself.

If You Kids Don't Stop Fighting, I Am Turning This Intergalactic Battle Cruiser Around Right Now

http://i.imgur.com/sErQVON.jpg By: Kxhtora the Cruel July 2, 2014

That is it! I have had it up to here with all of this! I did not carry you in a bulbous sac on my cephalothorax for two weeks to have to deal with cleaning up mucoid venom from the ejection console! You are almost fully mature Chelicerata, and you are behaving more like spineless larvae than the bloodthirsty conquerors I raised you to be.

Do you want me to turn this thing around" I am not kidding. At this point, I don't even care if we are late. If the interdimensional rift closes, and it does not reopen again until the next planetary alignment in another six thousand years, then that is completely on you. "Why, Kxhtora!" they will exclaim, "Why ever are we trapped forever on this side of the multiverse, and not infiltrating a habitable settlement' Why have you doomed us all to the implosion of our central star?" Because the misbehaved arthropods in the back seat could not keep their tentacles to themselves for six months, that's why!

I work so hard. I do so much for this family. I see to it that your gelatinous stores are packed, your sensory thrichobotria are groomed, that you have an organic webbing over your head. And for what? All I wanted was a nice break. Just one invasion. That's all I wanted. Do you know how long I've been looking forward to this" Do you know how hard it is to squeeze a war and subsequently the enslavement of an entire species into seven days" Do you appreciate my efforts at all"

I have given you plenty of warnings, so mark my words: here is the last. If I hear one more, just one more guttural click about his antennae passing over onto your half of the pod, or one more complaint of having to share your rehydrated protein slime, I am going to cancel this trip entirely. Will that make you happy' Nevermind the fact that we've been planning it for a millennia. I'll be only too happy to wake our queen from her stasis and explain to her why we are revolving around a black hole and not sucking the delicious skin off humanoid RhyDinians. She won't be pleased, I can tell you that much. But that is your responsibility, not mine.

You bloody kids, I swear. If I wasn't instinctively devoted to the evolutionary propagation of our race, I would have ingested you months ago.

Oh, for Pete's sakes. I'll make you a deal. If you both stay quiet, I will let the both of you drink all the bone marrow from our first victims. Happy?

Good. Now shut up, before mommy needs some moonshine.