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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
RhyDin Assassins Utterly Useless; 'We're not useless,' useless assassin says May 19, 2011
*A deep sense of disappointment gripped the citizens of RhyDin today when their worst fears of the ever-growing presence of incompetent hit men walking the city streets were confirmed.
"It's a sad, sad day when people just aren't good at their job anymore," said Mary Tisler, pastry chef at Cthulhu's Cookies in the Marketplace. "I mean, really. The caliber of a person and the pride they take in their work has really gone down since I've moved here. How hard is it to just kill a guy?"
According to Angstan Rhevenge, local elven gun-for-hire at the West End Branch of the Armed Assassin Union who asked not to be identified, the declining quality (and quantity) of kills remains the fault of society's impossible standards.
"Not all of us can hide a stiletto in our boobs " not that I have boobs " and drive it into someone's ear in the span of six seconds without getting bloody," said Rhevenge tearfully. "We can't all be perfect, and the way the media portrays assassins these days is making it harder and harder for me to look at myself in the mirror every day and be pleased with what I see."
Added Rhevenge: "Just once I'd like to look at my reflection and say, "Hey. You're a darn good murderer. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." And actually believe it."
Reports published by the W.G.A.D. Weekly indicate that Rhevenge is not alone. Upwards of twenty-three percent of RhyDin assassins, when asked, admit that they have clinically low self-esteem that may or may not be affecting their work. Of the two hundred assassins who responded to the poll, eight percent also claim that if they had the choice, they would pick a different profession to escape the unattainable stereotypes.
"I have feelings too," Trig Gerhappy, 31, said. "I give it my best effort, you know. Figure if I spray enough bullets I'll inevitably hit something. But the one hundred sixty-two times my target limps away unmurdered, oh snap, suddenly I'm labeled as incompetent. You try holding down an automatic trigger that long and not getting a cramp in your finger!"
"Just because I'm blind doesn't mean I can't be an archer," Torr Ment, 33, said. "As long as I hear a shriek after I've fired my arrow, I'm satisfied."
While the majority of the city's assassins admit that the pressure of being flashy or accurate can be somewhat overbearing at times, very few say they would consider switching professions permanently.
"Look. If I wanted to actually work, I wouldn't have blown off studying or waiting tables when the demons trapped in my soup spoon told me to," added Rhevenge. "I would have given up killing and likely submitted my application to some bookworm. But then I'd probably have killed him and set him on fire. The Cucharas do so love the smell of burning flesh."
Still, many RhyDinians assert that the lack of finesse in the murder-maim industry is very nearly becoming a problem that demands attention.
"All I'm saying is it ain't hard to invest in a laser sight every now and then," explained Tisler. "Then it's just point and click. How else are we supposed to frighten the masses into submission and weed out people we don't like if there isn't a constant addition of splattered brain matter on local tavern walls" A little gore is good now and again.?
In related news, the healing rate of gunshot wounds is at an all-time high.
*Some facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
RhyDin Assassins Utterly Useless; 'We're not useless,' useless assassin says May 19, 2011
*A deep sense of disappointment gripped the citizens of RhyDin today when their worst fears of the ever-growing presence of incompetent hit men walking the city streets were confirmed.
"It's a sad, sad day when people just aren't good at their job anymore," said Mary Tisler, pastry chef at Cthulhu's Cookies in the Marketplace. "I mean, really. The caliber of a person and the pride they take in their work has really gone down since I've moved here. How hard is it to just kill a guy?"
According to Angstan Rhevenge, local elven gun-for-hire at the West End Branch of the Armed Assassin Union who asked not to be identified, the declining quality (and quantity) of kills remains the fault of society's impossible standards.
"Not all of us can hide a stiletto in our boobs " not that I have boobs " and drive it into someone's ear in the span of six seconds without getting bloody," said Rhevenge tearfully. "We can't all be perfect, and the way the media portrays assassins these days is making it harder and harder for me to look at myself in the mirror every day and be pleased with what I see."
Added Rhevenge: "Just once I'd like to look at my reflection and say, "Hey. You're a darn good murderer. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." And actually believe it."
Reports published by the W.G.A.D. Weekly indicate that Rhevenge is not alone. Upwards of twenty-three percent of RhyDin assassins, when asked, admit that they have clinically low self-esteem that may or may not be affecting their work. Of the two hundred assassins who responded to the poll, eight percent also claim that if they had the choice, they would pick a different profession to escape the unattainable stereotypes.
"I have feelings too," Trig Gerhappy, 31, said. "I give it my best effort, you know. Figure if I spray enough bullets I'll inevitably hit something. But the one hundred sixty-two times my target limps away unmurdered, oh snap, suddenly I'm labeled as incompetent. You try holding down an automatic trigger that long and not getting a cramp in your finger!"
"Just because I'm blind doesn't mean I can't be an archer," Torr Ment, 33, said. "As long as I hear a shriek after I've fired my arrow, I'm satisfied."
While the majority of the city's assassins admit that the pressure of being flashy or accurate can be somewhat overbearing at times, very few say they would consider switching professions permanently.
"Look. If I wanted to actually work, I wouldn't have blown off studying or waiting tables when the demons trapped in my soup spoon told me to," added Rhevenge. "I would have given up killing and likely submitted my application to some bookworm. But then I'd probably have killed him and set him on fire. The Cucharas do so love the smell of burning flesh."
Still, many RhyDinians assert that the lack of finesse in the murder-maim industry is very nearly becoming a problem that demands attention.
"All I'm saying is it ain't hard to invest in a laser sight every now and then," explained Tisler. "Then it's just point and click. How else are we supposed to frighten the masses into submission and weed out people we don't like if there isn't a constant addition of splattered brain matter on local tavern walls" A little gore is good now and again.?
In related news, the healing rate of gunshot wounds is at an all-time high.
*Some facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.