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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
*RhyDin StockTicker December 11, 2011
Batten Industries (BI): $118.61: -$2.03: -1.7% Investors express concern after drunken night out with Batten reveals he hasn't just been totally wasted this entire time.
Red Dragon Estates (RDE): $20.30: +$0.51: +2.6% Experts say Red Dragon market looking optimistic after ninth successful exorcism takes place in Inn lobby. "Really doesn't matter who puts "em there," patron said Tuesday, 'so long as we get "em out without losin" our spleens."
Virtue Vegetation (V): $746.14: -$10.00: -1.3% Flora world hit hard this month after rare appearance of innocuous potted plant displays early signs of overwatering.
Dominion Exports (DE): $309.86: +$6.11: +2.0% Photos emerged of Dib Jaster Aurene Monday showing off first healthy mantis-shaded tan since V.D. diagnosis just last year.
Shantalaine Realty (SR): $27.76: -$2.15: -7.2% Investors reeled during press conference Thursday where CFO confirmed suspicions that WestEnd real estate renovations were neglected and funds redistributed in favor of simply constructing doorway portals to parallel dimensions. Ensuing fraud allegations will reportedly be addressed during company Yule yacht party and Christmas cruise.
Imp Industries (I): $13.72: -$0.22: -1.6% Explosion in Little Shop of Horrors last month uncovered to be triggered by methane byproducts of gryphon spawn. Analysts expect stock prices will continue decreasing until permanent look of surprise on employees? faces is remedied with regrown eyebrow hair.
RhyDin Hockey League (RHL): $9.34: +$0.61: +7.0% Public responds well to accusations that RHL is nothing more than poor front for underground orgies.
KoC Holdings (K): $41.98: -$0.95: -2.2% Stock prices continue to steadily decline due to rumors of CEO Alper Ergin/Xenia Chirikova sex scandal and public increase in demand for Ergin offspring's birth certificates.
Red Orc Breweries (ROB): $42.19: +$5.14: +13.9% Cumulative sigh of relief swept over financial world when Thrash announced orc-drowning incident that took place in active vat did not impact sales, and, in fact, rather improved Skullsplitter flavor. Deliberations currently underway as to whether original recipe deserves modification.
ConColor Conglomerates (CC): $51.01: -$9.37: -15.5% New evidence was released by the RhyDin Watch today that revealed crystal/cubic zirconia embezzlement scandal may have been ConColor inside job.
*Some of the above facts may have been fabricated for the sake of satire. Maybe.
*RhyDin StockTicker December 11, 2011
Batten Industries (BI): $118.61: -$2.03: -1.7% Investors express concern after drunken night out with Batten reveals he hasn't just been totally wasted this entire time.
Red Dragon Estates (RDE): $20.30: +$0.51: +2.6% Experts say Red Dragon market looking optimistic after ninth successful exorcism takes place in Inn lobby. "Really doesn't matter who puts "em there," patron said Tuesday, 'so long as we get "em out without losin" our spleens."
Virtue Vegetation (V): $746.14: -$10.00: -1.3% Flora world hit hard this month after rare appearance of innocuous potted plant displays early signs of overwatering.
Dominion Exports (DE): $309.86: +$6.11: +2.0% Photos emerged of Dib Jaster Aurene Monday showing off first healthy mantis-shaded tan since V.D. diagnosis just last year.
Shantalaine Realty (SR): $27.76: -$2.15: -7.2% Investors reeled during press conference Thursday where CFO confirmed suspicions that WestEnd real estate renovations were neglected and funds redistributed in favor of simply constructing doorway portals to parallel dimensions. Ensuing fraud allegations will reportedly be addressed during company Yule yacht party and Christmas cruise.
Imp Industries (I): $13.72: -$0.22: -1.6% Explosion in Little Shop of Horrors last month uncovered to be triggered by methane byproducts of gryphon spawn. Analysts expect stock prices will continue decreasing until permanent look of surprise on employees? faces is remedied with regrown eyebrow hair.
RhyDin Hockey League (RHL): $9.34: +$0.61: +7.0% Public responds well to accusations that RHL is nothing more than poor front for underground orgies.
KoC Holdings (K): $41.98: -$0.95: -2.2% Stock prices continue to steadily decline due to rumors of CEO Alper Ergin/Xenia Chirikova sex scandal and public increase in demand for Ergin offspring's birth certificates.
Red Orc Breweries (ROB): $42.19: +$5.14: +13.9% Cumulative sigh of relief swept over financial world when Thrash announced orc-drowning incident that took place in active vat did not impact sales, and, in fact, rather improved Skullsplitter flavor. Deliberations currently underway as to whether original recipe deserves modification.
ConColor Conglomerates (CC): $51.01: -$9.37: -15.5% New evidence was released by the RhyDin Watch today that revealed crystal/cubic zirconia embezzlement scandal may have been ConColor inside job.
*Some of the above facts may have been fabricated for the sake of satire. Maybe.