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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
RhyDin Watch Investigates Accidental Drowning-Electrocuting-Impaling- Horse-Tranquilizing-Bludgeoning-Lynching-Decapitating-Steamrolling Death; "It was all just a misunderstanding," Watch member says July 3, 2010
*A RhyDin Watch commander issued a formal announcement of investigation today for the accidental drowning, electrocuting, impaling, horse tranquilizing, bludgeoning, lynching, decapitating, and steamrolling of a prominent RhyDin politician by a guardsman that may have possibly been indirectly related to his death.
Deridan Shriscol, a popular RhyDin statesman, was reportedly cornered outside the Vermillion Wyvern Drinkery on July 1 by off-duty Watch officer Sidoo Rail and was subjected to a string of assaults after a very pleasant conversation about ferns.
"It was all just a misunderstanding," said Rail confidently. "We were just talking at first. I was telling him about my ferns and how they always seem to start browning at the most inopportune times, and before I knew it, I was charging him with three hundred volts of electricity and backup arrived with a six-thousand-gold steamrolling machine. As he screamed and begged for his life, I was just all, "Whooooa. What's going on?""
Passerby Maya Elbillug shrugged her shoulders recounting the experience.
"Well, I considered recommending that he be arrested, you know, because Shriscol had passed out from blood loss by the time I got there. But he told me he didn't do it, so, you know, I guess he didn't."
Added Elbillug: "Good thing he confiscated the seven weapons from the invisible other attacker that supposedly did, though. I mean, it's not his fault the taser somehow wound up in his hand."
"Yeah, this is his blood all over me," admitted Rail nonchalantly to our reporters as he walked away from the scene. "Don't know how it got there, though. I totally didn't do anything."
Added Rail later, "By the way, would you mind moving this for me" I'm parked illegally," tossing a set of bloody keys to the Ultra-Squish Rollaflat 3000 taking up two handicapped spots outside the drinkery.
According to police, the alleged victim attempted to resist capture for questioning once backup arrived, so they were forced to unload a barrage of incendiary grenades onto the twitching corpse out of precaution.
"I very patiently asked Mr. Shriscol to stop bleeding more than once," explained Watchman Barry Beckings, "when it became clear he was in no mood to listen to authority, I was compelled to subdue the victim by force by shooting a harpoon through his crushed pelvis."
"There were, like, people walking around outside and stuff," argued Rail. "They could have, you know, done something" or something."
No word yet on any possible suspects. Forensic analysts are still currently collecting evidence from the scene of the crime, but so far, the Watch commander is considering dismissing the case.
"It looks like we may never solve this thing," explained the commander. "And it is a terrible tragedy for the victim's family, but rest assured, we are moseying along trying to kind of get this case wrapped up."
Added the commander: "Kind of."
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
]
RhyDin Watch Investigates Accidental Drowning-Electrocuting-Impaling- Horse-Tranquilizing-Bludgeoning-Lynching-Decapitating-Steamrolling Death; "It was all just a misunderstanding," Watch member says July 3, 2010
*A RhyDin Watch commander issued a formal announcement of investigation today for the accidental drowning, electrocuting, impaling, horse tranquilizing, bludgeoning, lynching, decapitating, and steamrolling of a prominent RhyDin politician by a guardsman that may have possibly been indirectly related to his death.
Deridan Shriscol, a popular RhyDin statesman, was reportedly cornered outside the Vermillion Wyvern Drinkery on July 1 by off-duty Watch officer Sidoo Rail and was subjected to a string of assaults after a very pleasant conversation about ferns.
"It was all just a misunderstanding," said Rail confidently. "We were just talking at first. I was telling him about my ferns and how they always seem to start browning at the most inopportune times, and before I knew it, I was charging him with three hundred volts of electricity and backup arrived with a six-thousand-gold steamrolling machine. As he screamed and begged for his life, I was just all, "Whooooa. What's going on?""
Passerby Maya Elbillug shrugged her shoulders recounting the experience.
"Well, I considered recommending that he be arrested, you know, because Shriscol had passed out from blood loss by the time I got there. But he told me he didn't do it, so, you know, I guess he didn't."
Added Elbillug: "Good thing he confiscated the seven weapons from the invisible other attacker that supposedly did, though. I mean, it's not his fault the taser somehow wound up in his hand."
"Yeah, this is his blood all over me," admitted Rail nonchalantly to our reporters as he walked away from the scene. "Don't know how it got there, though. I totally didn't do anything."
Added Rail later, "By the way, would you mind moving this for me" I'm parked illegally," tossing a set of bloody keys to the Ultra-Squish Rollaflat 3000 taking up two handicapped spots outside the drinkery.
According to police, the alleged victim attempted to resist capture for questioning once backup arrived, so they were forced to unload a barrage of incendiary grenades onto the twitching corpse out of precaution.
"I very patiently asked Mr. Shriscol to stop bleeding more than once," explained Watchman Barry Beckings, "when it became clear he was in no mood to listen to authority, I was compelled to subdue the victim by force by shooting a harpoon through his crushed pelvis."
"There were, like, people walking around outside and stuff," argued Rail. "They could have, you know, done something" or something."
No word yet on any possible suspects. Forensic analysts are still currently collecting evidence from the scene of the crime, but so far, the Watch commander is considering dismissing the case.
"It looks like we may never solve this thing," explained the commander. "And it is a terrible tragedy for the victim's family, but rest assured, we are moseying along trying to kind of get this case wrapped up."
Added the commander: "Kind of."
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
]