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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
RhyDinians Engage in Regional Mass Genocide, Carcass-Stuffing and Cannibalizing Feast November 28, 2013
*According to alarming reports from the RhyDin Watch, more than 100,000 helpless flying beasts have died so far this month from senselessly ongoing genocidal slaughter across the nation of RhyDin.
"New Haven, Stars End, and outlying RhyDin districts are some of the hardest hit populations," says Watch captain Richard Dougharty of the escalating fowl decimation, "and we suspect the devastation will only grow in the increasing months."
Nevertheless, Dougharty has assured the public that such heartless crime will not go unpunished.
"We are presently conducting strategic raids on suspected homes and businesses. What we have found in some of them so far has been, to be honest, appalling. I had no idea RhyDin was full of such sick and twisted people."
As of this afternoon, the RhyDin Watch has performed approximately three-hundred sanctioned searches just within the city of RhyDin. In some cases, law enforcement officials were shocked to discover bodies of victims were being horrifically roasted and served as meals to friends and families of the suspects. Many of these crimes appear to have been premeditated, as the majority of suspects appear to have obtained the murder instruments ahead of time from local grocery and cutlery stores.
http://i.imgur.com/zjZm233.jpg Glenda Wilson, 64, is placed under arrest at the scene of the crime.
"I don't think I've ever been so disgusted in my whole life," Freddie Rich, cousin of one of the suspects, says. "To think she had it in her to' to' Oh, god, she ripped out its innards and" HGGGGGUUUURRRGGGHHH!"
A statement released by the Watch this morning suggests that any RhyDinian caught in similar circumstances will be immediately put under arrest, and any homicidal paraphernalia (including instruction manuals on preparing victims" carcasses in festively appetizing fashion) will be seized.
"We will not rest until every last victim has justice," says Dougharty. "These turkeys may not be able to speak or communicate, but they deserve the same rights as us. Not this. No one deserves this."
"Why!" Rich, 29, sobs. "Oh god" Why did this happen" They were so young. So young."
Added Rich, "Could you pass the gravy?"
*Some facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
RhyDinians Engage in Regional Mass Genocide, Carcass-Stuffing and Cannibalizing Feast November 28, 2013
*According to alarming reports from the RhyDin Watch, more than 100,000 helpless flying beasts have died so far this month from senselessly ongoing genocidal slaughter across the nation of RhyDin.
"New Haven, Stars End, and outlying RhyDin districts are some of the hardest hit populations," says Watch captain Richard Dougharty of the escalating fowl decimation, "and we suspect the devastation will only grow in the increasing months."
Nevertheless, Dougharty has assured the public that such heartless crime will not go unpunished.
"We are presently conducting strategic raids on suspected homes and businesses. What we have found in some of them so far has been, to be honest, appalling. I had no idea RhyDin was full of such sick and twisted people."
As of this afternoon, the RhyDin Watch has performed approximately three-hundred sanctioned searches just within the city of RhyDin. In some cases, law enforcement officials were shocked to discover bodies of victims were being horrifically roasted and served as meals to friends and families of the suspects. Many of these crimes appear to have been premeditated, as the majority of suspects appear to have obtained the murder instruments ahead of time from local grocery and cutlery stores.
http://i.imgur.com/zjZm233.jpg Glenda Wilson, 64, is placed under arrest at the scene of the crime.
"I don't think I've ever been so disgusted in my whole life," Freddie Rich, cousin of one of the suspects, says. "To think she had it in her to' to' Oh, god, she ripped out its innards and" HGGGGGUUUURRRGGGHHH!"
A statement released by the Watch this morning suggests that any RhyDinian caught in similar circumstances will be immediately put under arrest, and any homicidal paraphernalia (including instruction manuals on preparing victims" carcasses in festively appetizing fashion) will be seized.
"We will not rest until every last victim has justice," says Dougharty. "These turkeys may not be able to speak or communicate, but they deserve the same rights as us. Not this. No one deserves this."
"Why!" Rich, 29, sobs. "Oh god" Why did this happen" They were so young. So young."
Added Rich, "Could you pass the gravy?"
*Some facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.