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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
RhyDinians Unsurprised by Nuclear Explosion; Inn-goers report stale tealeaves August 23, 2010
*In a not-so-surprising turn of events, overpressures of up to 35.5 kilopascals leveled half the Red Dragon Inn Thursday when a hydrogen bomb detonated one mile north of New Haven.
According to survivors, the hypocenter of the blast was located somewhere between some random businesses that no one really cared about. Devastation was wrought all around RhyDin, including millions' worth of damage to popular tavern and hot spot, the Red Dragon Inn. Inn-goers were reportedly unaffected by the blast, which took place around midnight, August 19.
"Well, I saw about six people crushed beneath a heap of radioactive debris," said Molly Iunne, a frequent customer of the establishment. "But I figured, like, there wasn't really anything I could do or whatever, so I just went ahead and saw what the staff had prepared to eat in the kitchen."
Added Iunne: "It was clam chowder."
"The explosion was interesting to watch," Rudy Tidwell, local archery instructor, said. "And yeah, the shrieking was kind of unsettling, but by then I had finally gotten my favorite seat at the bar. If I moved, I just knew someone else was going to take it."
Nuclear physicists are calling the radioactive event a disaster of epic proportions. With nearly a fourth of the city in ruins, they do not anticipate much of a reaction from the RhyDin populace.
"I don't know. Stuff like this happens, you know," Doctor Freeman U'ghenny, professor of Nuclear Science at West End University, claimed. "They'll get over it in about five minutes. I have."
Added U'ghenny five minutes later: "What nuclear disaster?"
The death toll in RhyDin has already reached the hundreds, with dozens more injured or otherwise incapacitated. The Red Dragon Inn alone saw at least nine deaths in two hours. Subsequent effects of radiation poisoning are not without their acknowledgements.
"Hey, Greg, you know your face is melting off," said one Red Dragon Inn patron to another Saturday night.
"Yeah, I know," replied his associate. "It happens."
According to witnesses, once the dust and rubble had settled inside the Inn, customers were quick to return to their normal routine.
"No use crying over spilled milk, right?" said Mara Thydon, part-time barkeep. "Or in this case, debilitating nuclear fallout."
In related news, tavern-goers were stunned and disgusted by poor storage methods used by the Red Dragon Inn staff for perishable food and beverage items.
"These tealeaves are completely stale," said one disgruntled customer. "I would say let's all drink some tea and get over it, but that doesn't really seem to be possible now, does it?"
Added that customer later: "Someone should do something about that soon."
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
]
RhyDinians Unsurprised by Nuclear Explosion; Inn-goers report stale tealeaves August 23, 2010
*In a not-so-surprising turn of events, overpressures of up to 35.5 kilopascals leveled half the Red Dragon Inn Thursday when a hydrogen bomb detonated one mile north of New Haven.
According to survivors, the hypocenter of the blast was located somewhere between some random businesses that no one really cared about. Devastation was wrought all around RhyDin, including millions' worth of damage to popular tavern and hot spot, the Red Dragon Inn. Inn-goers were reportedly unaffected by the blast, which took place around midnight, August 19.
"Well, I saw about six people crushed beneath a heap of radioactive debris," said Molly Iunne, a frequent customer of the establishment. "But I figured, like, there wasn't really anything I could do or whatever, so I just went ahead and saw what the staff had prepared to eat in the kitchen."
Added Iunne: "It was clam chowder."
"The explosion was interesting to watch," Rudy Tidwell, local archery instructor, said. "And yeah, the shrieking was kind of unsettling, but by then I had finally gotten my favorite seat at the bar. If I moved, I just knew someone else was going to take it."
Nuclear physicists are calling the radioactive event a disaster of epic proportions. With nearly a fourth of the city in ruins, they do not anticipate much of a reaction from the RhyDin populace.
"I don't know. Stuff like this happens, you know," Doctor Freeman U'ghenny, professor of Nuclear Science at West End University, claimed. "They'll get over it in about five minutes. I have."
Added U'ghenny five minutes later: "What nuclear disaster?"
The death toll in RhyDin has already reached the hundreds, with dozens more injured or otherwise incapacitated. The Red Dragon Inn alone saw at least nine deaths in two hours. Subsequent effects of radiation poisoning are not without their acknowledgements.
"Hey, Greg, you know your face is melting off," said one Red Dragon Inn patron to another Saturday night.
"Yeah, I know," replied his associate. "It happens."
According to witnesses, once the dust and rubble had settled inside the Inn, customers were quick to return to their normal routine.
"No use crying over spilled milk, right?" said Mara Thydon, part-time barkeep. "Or in this case, debilitating nuclear fallout."
In related news, tavern-goers were stunned and disgusted by poor storage methods used by the Red Dragon Inn staff for perishable food and beverage items.
"These tealeaves are completely stale," said one disgruntled customer. "I would say let's all drink some tea and get over it, but that doesn't really seem to be possible now, does it?"
Added that customer later: "Someone should do something about that soon."
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
]