http://i1131.photobucket.com/albums/m549/HarrisTheHeckler/rsz_rsz3harry353_bw.jpg Special Columnist: Harris D'Artainian

Ringside Rewind, Edition Two, 10/20 - 10/26 October 27th, 2011

This second edition of Ringside Rewind is unusually sweet, thanks to a heaping helping of Candy. But don't worry, it won't rot your teeth, as this particular brand of Candy is actually more likely to bloody your nose and break your fingers. Moderation is suggested if you happen to value your health.

Highlight of the Week: Me, gracing the Outback in my new, custom made Birmingham brown pinstripe three piece suit. As an 11 time titleholder and currently the longest reigning holder of PathFinder at 457 days, it's my responsibility to dress like the champion I am; which is why all my suits are purchased at Tailored Xavier's. Mention my name and get a 15% discount on anything in the store! You're welcome.

-I never thought I'd say this, but women in the Outback are starting to show too much skin. In this particular case it's the top of Candy's head, which she apparently decided to shave for some reason. Bald only looks good on eagles....if you're into that sort of thing. But inquiring minds want to know; does the carpet match the drapes" -Speaking of balding, apparently in preparation for our match Sarah lost a duel to Candy where the stipulation was she had to shave her head as well. Whatever dignity Mur didn't suck out of her (literally) and Candy didn't clip off of her I pretty much plan to take when we fight. But on the bright side she'll be all poised and ready to join whatever cult Candy is starting. -Rachael's got herself a new mentor to replace the perpetually off the wagon Mur. Can you guess who it is" Candy, who appears to be running amok all through the Outback. With Mur missing in action a team of specialists have been recruited to begin the search, consisting of Captain Morgan, Johnnie Walker, and Jack Daniels. Godspeed, gentlemen. Godspeed. -Chick fight! Normally I'd report on the challenge between Candy and Dizzy, but I have more important things to do, like watch paint dry or possibly grass grow. Those options seemed to be more entertaining to the masses as well, which is undoubtedly the reason why virtually nobody attended the match. Maybe strip dueling wasn't such a terrible idea afterall. -Hide your women and children and farm animals! Anubis was not only spotted in the Outback this week, sporting a serious case of ring rust in a loss to Seirichi, but he also issued a challenge to Gork for FireStar! As much as tanning beds, pedicures, and eye shadow are important he probably should've been spending more time hitting the old bag. And no, I don't mean his wife Dawn. Chump of the Week: What's a six letter word for loser? D-Y-A-R-H-K. In a feat of incompetence that would even impress Xerzes he managed to lose to Rachael twice, Seirichi twice, and Kalinda once ALL IN THE SAME NIGHT. If I thought Candy understood the concept of pity I would assume that's the only reason he managed to salvage a win against her. Next time bring a ball gag and a gimp suit if you're going to spend the night letting women dominate you. The Outback is open Monday through Wednesday and brawling is also available on Fight Nights, Friday and Sunday! Drag your least favorite Rhydinian into a ring and pound their face into mush! It's very therapeutic. Like acupuncture, except with your fists.

http://i1131.photobucket.com/albums/m549/HarrisTheHeckler/rsz_rsz3harry353_bw.jpg Special Columnist: Harris D'Artainian

Ringside Rewind, Edition Four, 11/03 - 11/09 November 10th, 2011

Even with an Opal reign currently sitting at 471 days, some readers have suggested I get off my high horse. Unfortunately since I didn't pack a parachute I'm afraid the dismount would make my wife a widow. Instead I suppose I'll simply wait for everyone else to reach my level. Maybe we can play polo then. But for now, enjoy this fourth edition of the Post's best article. Much like myself it's better than perfection.

Highlight of the Week: My driver, Ignacio, managing to squeeze my limousine through the Outback's double doors without damaging the vehicle whatsoever when he dropped me off this past week. The place was cluttered with an assortment of riff raff that I deemed to be worth an extra five dollars in tip money if he hit them, but he instead insisted a cow catcher would need to be installed before he'd commit vehicular manslaughter. That being said, if any of you get caught in the grill next time around you're automatically eligible for chump of the week, so feel free to throw yourself at my limo for a chance at fame.

-Artemus Kurgen, holder of MoonBeryl, managed to defeat Tass this past week for his first defense of the title. In a show of bravado he opted to waive his grace period and received immediate challenge from Roderick Douglas. Art fighting the old and infirmed as well as cross-dressers seems like an appropriate level of competition for him. I look forward to the day the training wheels finally come off.

-In an effort to have a legitimate excuse for putting her hands all over me, Seirichi issued a challenge for my Opal as well. Since I'm pretty sure it's mating season in Adenna I wisely decided to make her wait until my grace period is up, to allow her unnaturally high testosterone levels to return to normal.

-Matthew Simon's involvement in a few of the recent challenges in the Arena this past week has spurned another duelist to come after his Opal in retaliation. Unfortunately that duelist happens to be Ria Graziano. On the bright side, the fact that Ria's hitting the brawling scene again means the Graziano clan finally has more than one sow to support their always growing herd. -Apparently Matt's also decided that the Outback needs a healthy dose of the Arena's cronyism (buy a dictionary) as he and the Arena's Overlord, Ellisa Morgan, continue to trade favors. The Opal grant he won in the recent Harvest Tournment has been given to Ellisa, who promptly challenged Dizzy Flores for ShadoWeaver. I thought Koyliak was the Outback's resident masochist' The beating Ellisa is going to take will likely force the Baronial Council to utilize her dental records afterward to identify her as the Overlord, which might be hard with her teeth scattered all across the Outback. -Also, in a feat worthy of a much lesser duelist, Matt managed to convince another trio of Glass fighters that taking him on all at the same time would somehow turn out well for them. In predictable fashion, he beat them all without ever having to pop a Centrum Silver. The only thing easier and less satisfying than fighting three Glasses is Jaycy. Chump of the Week: Tasslehofl Momus. Can anyone even remember the last time Tass won a high profile match' Here, I'll help you out. It was when Matt Simon was still Governor. Yes, Tass has been on the losing end of his past six challenge attempts, including his most recent defeat at the hands of Art. Since we all know you can't teach an old dog new tricks, like winning, maybe it's time to put him out to pasture. Or call in the glue truck. Or take him out behind the wood shed. I think Tass would be better suited to bringing a self defense whistle to the ring and blowing it repeatedly in the hopes that someone will come to his aid.

Sooner or later Rhydin is gonna bleed everyone dry. So why not spill some of that blood in the Outback" It's a place where men go to be men. And sometimes women go there to be men too, which simply means the place doesn't discriminate if you're willing to bleed for it. Contrary to what your doctor says, your spleen is not a vital organ and can take much more abuse than you'd think, so what are you waiting for"

http://i1131.photobucket.com/albums/m549/HarrisTheHeckler/rsz_rsz3harry353_bw.jpg Special Columnist: Harris D'Artainian

Ringside Rewind, Who's Who Holiday Edition November 24th, 2011

My greatness is well documented. You can't help but notice my face on the Outback's Wall of Diamonds for winning Diamond Quest XXXIII and XXXVI. And of course my 485 day reign with PathFinder is worthy of the most epic of bard's tales. But unfortunately everyone seems to breeze right on by the trophy case without giving it the in-depth look it truly deserves. But don't worry, I'm not here to scold you for your ignorance of the past and those that came before you. Instead, this edition will rewind a bit further back than you're used to, so proper thanks can be given to those that paved the way in the spirit of the holiday. Who' has won the most Diamonds" Why that record belongs to former Governor Matthew Algiers Simon, who won his 9th Diamond in January of 2010. One can only assume the reason he hasn't picked up that record setting tenth Diamond Quest victory is because his space steroids have been delayed. Everybody knows he can't do it without them. Who' holds the record for most Opal defenses in a single reign" After his terrible performance against Candy this past week it's hard to believe that record belongs to Anubis Karos, with a total of nine defenses during one of his tenures with FireStar. Considering the fact that since he set that record he hasn't been able to muster up even a single Opal defense it's safe to assume the dog of Egypt has finally been properly neutered. Who' was the first person to hold all of the Outback's titles" Tareth Thorn became the first All Title Holder in the Outback in 2003 and will forever be known as the first brawler to hold every Opal and the Diamond. Granted, after I achieved the same feat two months later it became obvious he wouldn't be known as the *best* brawler to hold every Opal and the Diamond, but there's no disgrace in coming up short in comparison to me. Who' was the first person to reach the 100 wins over losses plateau" Shannon Kimberly Colton was responsible for this feat and for setting the standard for all female brawlers that came after her. She is your Patron Saint of Feminine Brutality, which surprisingly is not an oxymoron. Unfortunately she's gotten old and is so far out of her prime she probably doesn't even remember she did this. Or the names of her great grandchildren. Who' holds the record for most duels in a cycle? Really, you didn't think I'd save the best for last' Yes, this record is currently held by yours truly and will likely never be broken. Fighting 174 duels in a three month time span takes an unmatched amount of stamina, drive, competitive spirit, and skill. So much skill. Not only did I fight a high volume of matches I won the vast majority of them, which helped propel me to reach and eventually surpass 100 wins over losses and is one of the many, many reasons I get to look down on the rest of you as inferior beings. Consider yourself educated. Now maybe the next time you see the trophy case in the Outback you'll think twice about strolling past it and instead stop and learn a thing or two about the sport. There's no shame in setting such a lofty goal as being as good as me. The shame is in not even bothering to try.

http://i1131.photobucket.com/albums/m549/HarrisTheHeckler/rsz_rsz3harry353_bw.jpg Special Columnist: Harris D'Artainian

Ringside Rewind, Edition Eight, 12/01 " 12/07 December 8th, 2011 After 499 days of holding PathFinder any sane, reasonable individual would assume that I'm completely unstoppable. Unfortunately Seirichi has proven on numerous occasions that she lacks any sort of common sense, which is why we're currently scheduled to fight on Monday, December 12th at 9:30 PM (RST) for my Opal. I will finally grant her greatest desire by putting her on her back and pounding away. Unfortunately for her it will be with my fists. She'll still bleed like it's her first time though. Now as for the rest of you, well...

Highlight of the Week: It's rare that someone earns the highlight of the week after being the previous week's chump, but I can't help but give Andu credit where credit is due. The ten foot tall bull creature actually dared to drag himself up onto Styx to fight Tass this past week, which in and of itself would be impressive. But it turns out he happened to win the match up there as well by a score of 5-2, meaning Tass had to leave disappointed he was unable to fetch any Rocky Mountain Oysters for his dinner that evening.

-The Pit was unkind to Candy this week, as she suffered losses in the mud filled ring to both Gork and Tass. With all the time she spends down there it shouldn't be too difficult to guess where she plans to lay her eggs when the time comes. -Myria is one of a myriad of Grazianos out and about that I'm sure everyone has lost track of or confused with one another. She's actually the most noteworthy of the clan, due to her not having accomplished anything worth noting other than smacking Gork around this week. How ironic. Is she the black sheep of the family' Is she adopted" Is one of her Sisters actually her Mother" These are all valid questions that I hope get answered one day.

-Is it wrong that I feel bad whenever I see Misty fighting" I always have this desire to lure her away from the ring with a large ball of yarn and have someone feed her Fancy Feast. If you'd like to volunteer for this duty please let me know.

Chump of the Week: All of you. Unless I'm mistaken things were so slow last week that the fights were in the single digits. I wasn't aware that mediocrity was the new acceptable standard. If you're not in the ring then you're not getting better, and if you're not getting better then that just means you'll see yourself in this article more and more frequently. If you can't do it on your own then find yourself a half competent mentor like Rachael did to assist you with not sucking. If she can do it then that means there's hope for anyone.

What a terrible week for brawling. Thankfully since I'll be in action next week things will automatically pick up by at least five-hundred percent, so I'm not worried. When the Outback needs a shot in the arm I'm always there to jab the needle where it actually needs to go, which is the fleshy rump part. Feel free to follow my example because realistically you won't find a better one.