Topic: So Long, 2010: How We Ended the Year

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-01-05 03:41 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

So Long, 2010: How We Ended the Year January 5, 2010

Wow. You people sure know how to end the year with a bang, don't you? And by a bang, I am of course referring to hilarity, humiliation, and hotness. Hopefully not in that order.

Our humiliation slash hilarity, of course, starts off with EmDoc going into labor at the Red Dragon Inn. Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing humiliating about the birth process, as I'm sure it's a wonderful and enlightening thing filled with pain and screaming and eventually a darling little angel (or angels). But you people cannot deny that going into labor and/or giving birth at a tavern kind of reeks stereotypical in RhyDin - a word I am proud to say that is not in EmDoc's vocabulary. Thankfully Triple A hauled their Triple-A.'s right on out of there before things got exceptionally chaotic, but I just have one question to ask. Were those contractions or was that indigestion' Feeling the pangs of twins can not be comfortable, and still this broad gutted it out (no pun intended) in silence like a scientologist or something. Maybe being punched relentlessly in the Outback finally paid off"

That isn't the end of the drama for our Triple-now-Quintuple-A family, though. Word has it not a day after their birth announcements were published in our paper Antonio's very absent and very YOUNG son from his first marriage showed up at the Red Dragon Inn in the middle of the night, unsupervised. Um. Wow. I honestly don't know what his mother was thinking letting him out to wander the streets of RhyDin alone, but maybe it starts with a "g"-and-rhymes-with-lilting her ex-husband. While I will say that Mancake's son is one cute, cute kid, I really don't like the idea of anyone under the age of fifteen out and about after dark without a guardian present. RhyDin is a dangerous, dangerous place. I don't care how much you randomly feel like seeing your other parent.

But estranged children and first-families weren't the only ones making comebacks before the new year. Apparently "Just Rhae" (who is apparently doing no banging of any kind whatsoever) was spotted chatting with none other than BAKER! There is a face I haven't seen in a while, and now that it's back it looks like I'm going to have to start up therapy again. Apparently "Just Rhae" was overheard defending Baker's blunt ways after he left. Uh. Wow. I have to give her credit for being an adult in the situation, but I'm willing to bet Baker doesn't do the things he does because he's looking to make B.F.F.'s. Then again, maybe he has a soft, squishy side I don't know about yet. I've heard liver failure does that to some people.

Queen of comebacks Gem was spotted near the end of the year with some nice looking fellow whose name I'm sorry to say we didn't quite catch, saying something about taking shots. Well" I can think of three meanings for that word, and I honestly hope she wasn't talking about medicine or bullets. If such is the case, though, is it just me, or is Gem a total bad-A." I mean she really is a pretty awesome person for someone who is pint-sized. And apparently things are looking up for her this year, as this guy she was spotted with calls her "Beautiful." (No, I'm not being smart by putting the word in quotations - that's his actual endearment for her.) Aw. She sure rang in the new year with a bang, anyway, as some serious partying was being had on her end with booze and her apparent friend, Little Miss Sunshine (a.k.a. Pearl). Yes, I was actually being smart then.

Oh mah gawd are Quinn and Gabriel even capable of keeping up an adult conversation' Sources tell me what initially started out as Gabe being full of himself and showing off some of his hexalingual skills culminated in a discussion about getting laid. Really' Really, kids" That had the potential to be an interesting topic, but it is certainly clear to me exactly where Quinn's head is at - right there in the gutter with that hippie, Gabriel's (GET A HAIRCUT!) And Mack, darling" Don't encourage them!

It seems RhyDin's sexiest woman found LOVE folks! I don't know WHEN this happened, but it seems like one day Eless was spending her time making rounds of the Inn as a dazzling bachelorette and then the next day she was a heartbeat away from eloping with that other guy, Michael. Now I'm not making any suggestions, so for the love of all things don't you two go and do something crazy (although to be honest, crazy is kind of in Eless's nature these days). But what is the deal with this guy' We hardly know much about him except that he's generally pretty good-looking, very polite, and from what a few lady RhyDinians have told me, siiiiiiigh soooooo chaaaaaarming. Gag. I'll keep an open mind since Eless seems to like him, but I tend to be of the opinion that RhyDin's sexiest woman needs a good, strong man to be able to really rely upon. And in my experience, the really charming ones are either annoyingly sensitive (the kinds that cry during Titanic and 101 Dalmatians) or total players who only want to watch the view as a woman walks away. You know" charmers like Marek. Incredibly engaging, outwardly very awesome guys, but retaining a bit of that suspicion. I really hope to be proven wrong, but so help him if I'm not because I've got a tire iron right where I can get at it!

Although' is it just me, or does Kally Boy (an endearment created by Tanniebubbles that I am totally going to have to adopt) seem a little" civil with Eless and Michael" I mean there's a difference between being civil and being friendly, and Kally Boy has just seemed civil lately. I wonder what is going on with him. I do hope it's nothing serious.

On a random side note, I have a question for everyone. You businessy people can erect fifteen magical paraphernalia stores on the same block in New Haven, but you can't build a Starbucks or something for the poor students from the IAP to study in" I swear if I see one more of those kids whip out a textbook in a BAR I'm going to go back to Earth and kidnap Harold Schultz myself. I get that you all are college-aged (ish), but a tavern is NOT an environment that is conducive to studying, kids! Then again, for all I know they could just be using "studying" as an excuse for getting busy in the RDI booths. MAN I need to pay a visit to the Institute and get the low-down on that scandal.

Also: Answer me this. What is going on between wallflower Alec and Aja" I know we don't normally focus on either of these two, but they are getting waaaaay too close not to notice anymore. Sources tell me there have also been snide comments leaving Alec's mouth that seem to suggest his wife is not only a cheat, but a control freak as well. Well I know we didn't like her to begin with, but wow. Aja seems like just the kind of woman Alec needs, though. Those two should do some serious breaking up and get with the program!

Apparently programs need to be handed out! I don't know what the haps is with Z'ev and Lilliana, but it just feels to me like their relationship has lost that ZING factor. Yeah, they're reportedly in the cuddle slash comfortable phase - and that's all fine and dandy - but I miss the pizzazz! It seems like comfort is siphoning out all of Lilli's boundless energy and I simply will not have it! Those two need some danger or a getaway vacation (or speed) to really rev things up. But that's just one guy's opinion.

Cuyler and this year's Hardest to Get Emlyn have been seen lately in an on-again-off-again kind of basis. Well if that isn't an odd pairing. Since when was Emlyn inducted into soon-to-be RhyTube sensation Cuyler's merry band of misfits" Sources tell me they were spotted late December doing one of two things: either they were making some kind of shady business deal, or they were exchanging chicken potpie recipes. Honestly neither would surprise me, but here I used to think Emlyn was all fluffy pillow stuffing (with squishy parts in there somewhere, I'm sure). Maybe she has a side to her she hasn't shown us yet, or Cuyler has thoroughly corrupted the woman - both completely plausible possibilities!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-01-05 03:42 EST
Speaking of Emlyn, though, what was the deal with her and Jacques" For the first time in my life I'm not making assumptions (probably because I sensed absolutely NO chemistry there. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada), but it seems to me like that guy needs some good company this coming year - and I'm not talking about the kind of company that you call so that you can crochet things together. Sorry, but there is a big difference between choosing to be alone and just plain being alone. And while filling up that emptiness with booze and the belting of tunes is one approach to overcoming it, it isn't one I'd personally recommend. What this guy needs is some feminine company to' ahem' hear his sorrows and stuff (mainly the stuff, though). Come on, ladies. How much do you have to lose" He ain't bad lookin', and he has a tendency to rattle things off in French. Doesn't that drive you nuts or something" Go and say hello, dang it!

Perhaps it is best that no news is good news on the Duncan front. Actually rumor has it things are going quite well for Jake and his new wife, Mira. The two of them were seen catching up with old friends at the Red Dragon Inn not terribly long before New Year's Eve, and I have to say based on Mira's behavior that night I really dig her infinitely more. As if her sweetness isn't enough, apparently Mira actually knows how to get the hint when her man is trying for some male bonding time. Unlike some other RhyDin women who cling all over their guys like that annoying seagrass that sticks all over you when you go to the beach, Mira knows when to butt out when guys are doing the guy thing. The rest of you broads could learn a thing or two from this morsel. Sometimes we just need to get out and have some beers and chat with the rest of the guys! Seriously! It's not that we don't love you; it's just that WE'RE DROWNING IN ESTROGEN, HERE!

O.K. Seriously' Who wants to spot me some of that high-tech facial and voice recognition software" Because the only things I got for Yule were some socks and a couple of pens. And I'll tell you what, I am sick and tired of seeing all these men (read: two) that Shylah has been seen hanging with and not knowing their names or being in possession of their dossiers (what? You think you people have privacy in RhyDin" HAH!). Worst of all is when I hear that Shy is all grins and giggles with this new-guy-who-wasn't-that-other-guy we were talking about earlier" yeah. Made you think about that one didn't I" But it's not often I hear of Shylah being this totally animated, so it is honestly making me look into exactly the kind of bloke she's attracted to. What's it going to take for one of them to finally steal her heart, or if need be, forcibly remove it from her chest (metaphorically speaking)" Probably one with a handy pair of scalpels and one heck of a strong personality, because Shy ain't the kind of woman who settles.

And speaking of trying to figure out types" love of my life Gigi Granger is IMPOSSIBLE to figure out. Maybe that's what is so appealing about her. But first with Leo, and then more recently with some interesting guy whose name I won't even bother trying to pronounce (let alone spell), she has a recurring tendency to' how to put this delicately' Bite peoples' heads off and proceed to chew mercilessly on the gristle" Maybe it's a fa"ade she puts on to protect herself, or maybe it's just a part of her personality. But honestly it makes me wonder whether anyone will be able to put a crack in that shell of hers. I hope someone can, because any man who lands that spitfire - in my opinion - is the luckiest man in RhyDin.

Oh my god. I will have all of you know that the RhyDin Post is gladly sponsoring free STD screenings after that ridiculous kiss-a-thon Guaire was subjecting the poor New Year's Eve patrons of the Red Dragon Inn to. And all this happened not five days after his engaging in soap opera-level melodrama on the Isle with gold-digger Miranda. Mind you, I'm not talking about the excellent "O.M.G. really it's his evil twin brother who fathered her sister's child"!" kind of drama. I'm talking about the "Wow, seriously' Get some new writers" kind of drama. Thankfully most of the women gave him what he rightfully deserved - a big slap (or punch) - but honestly the whole scenario just makes me shudder a little bit. Sorry, dude. You can't pull a Tass unless you've got the mileage and the sex appeal (and boy howdy can that man kiss. Believe me. I know), which, I assure you, you do not right now. Maybe it has something to do with having all the maturity of someone going through puberty. I mean' don't get me wrong. All guys think constantly about sex. And when we're not thinking about sex, we're thinking about thinking about sex. But not all of us voice our thoughts 24/7. You know what they say. Preoccupation with a topic implies lack of occupation with same.

Future advice for all you RhyDinians: Bottle your own brews and distilled liquors for now. I know that Amber must have been talking about bathing in her own stores of gin (or at least I hope to all things that she was), but with the Nexus and gnomes and beer-stealing were-hamsters" and Tara" you really don't know where these things will end up these days. Apparently she was trying to peddle off the leftovers to many of the patrons of the Red Dragon Inn relatively recently, most notably to former governor Kitty O. Helston (with the "O" standing for "OH-MY-GOD-GET-OVER-YOURSELF"). Later on Oh-Dot-Helston was at least seen making some wise choices by ordering herself strictly coffee and talking politics with old favorite Stitch. Now where the heck has THAT jackal been my whole life" Rumor has it he even was heard offhandedly mentioning running for Governor. Um' yes" Do I need to round up some of my rich friends and throw him a fundraising party right now to make this happen? Whether or not he has some competition in Oh-Dot-Helston for the office, it would certainly make for one heck of an exciting election year! If such is the case, maybe it'll be half as exciting as things were New Year's Eve at the Inn!