- The RhyDin Post's black and gold logo flashes with an epic, orchestrated introduction theme. The logo spirals off the screen, and displays a high-tech news studio with flat screen television sets, and a massive, glossy black desk. Two men sit behind the desk. To the left (Peter Pham) is in his early thirties, of Asian ethnicity, has gelled black hair, and is in a khaki suit. To the right (Chris Reed) is of Caucasian ethnicity with dark brown hair, is in his late thirties, is wearing a navy suit, and has a vertical scar running down one side of his face. Both men, equipped with headsets, smile at the camera. -
Peter: How's it going, RhyDin" I'm Peter Pham, sports columnist!
Chris: And I'm Chris Reed, and I have nothing to do with those defective Sylus Kurgen action figures!
Peter: Honestly, Chris" who sells actual weapons to kids"
Chris: I was going for realism, Pete. It's not my fault children are prone to stabbing themselves. That's why they need to be more like Sylus.
Peter: Right' and the self-destruct switch on the back"
Chris: Oh, that's a special feature. If someone steals your Sylus, you can detonate it remotely! Take that, thieves!
Peter: I really don't think this was very well thought-out'
Chris: Neither was your conception.
Peter: Ouch. That was harsh, Chris. Even for you.
Chris: You live in RhyDin, you develop a thick skin, Pete. - Pulls out his Sylus action figure and scrutinizes it. - You know, I really don't see what the big deal is. So his weapon is a little sharp and causes intestinal perforation when swallowed. Who swallows something like that' Honestly!
Peter: I'm' not going to answer that. Instead, I'd rather introduce our fight.
Chris: Oh, oh! Can Sylus introduce it for us"!
Peter: I really don't think"
Chris: - Speaking "through' the action figure in a deep voice. - Thank you for tuning back in with us, mortal peons. If you tune out during the course of this coverage, I will personally find you and remove your head from your body.
Peter: I don't know if that's the kind of thing Kurgen would say, Chris"
Chris: He's my Sylus! I'll make him say what I want!
Peter: - Sighs. - Fine.
Chris: - Resuming his deep voice. - Tonight the Arena will be stained red with the blood of the innocent, as we witness the brutal altercation betwixt newcomer Race" uh' Race.
Peter: You don't have his last name"
Chris: - Abandoning his action figure to pick up a piece of paper on his left. He squints at it. - It doesn't say.
Peter: - Smacks his forehead. - I give you one thing to do, Chris. Find out the guy's name. You can't even do that"
Chris: Yeah, well"! I was busy having Sylus cut into my McStabberson.
Peter: You" what"
Chris: - Pulls out a Neo Eternity plush toy, unfortunately hardly recognizable for the rips and tears all over it. - See" He's filled with stuffing. Much more stabbable this way.
Peter: I" really"
Chris: - Tosses the Neo plush over his shoulder and looks at Peter. - So his name is Race" does that make his fans racists"
Peter: Excuse me"
Chris: You know" Race-ists" Racists! Get it' - Roars with laughter. -
Peter: " I deserve a raise for this.
Chris: Oh don't sulk, Pete. It was a good one, and you know it.
Peter: Just introduce the darn fight, Chris.
Chris: Right. - Clears throat, speaks through Sylus again in a gravelly voice. - And our challenger, all too willing to disembowel and filet her opponent is Lily Kar-oh'
Peter: Lily care oh"
Chris: - Shows the paper to Peter. - Does that say what I think it says" Lily Karos"
Peter: - Annoyed. - Oh, good. You got one of their names right.
Chris: Karos" As in the Karos"
Peter: The very one.
Chris: Wow! She's got to be, what? ten" Eleven" And she's already dueling"
Peter: She's her father's daughter, it seems.
Chris: Those are some awfully big shoes to fill.
Peter: Yes, well" Let's see how it turns out.
Chris: - Makes his Sylus swing his very real blade accessory. - Fight ON!
- Roll footage Round 1. LC/CP .5-0 Race. -
Race: Commits himself before dropping the axe down to deflect her blade.
Karos: She turned her wrist to the side and slid forwards making a low swipe for the man's ankles. Once the blade is batted away, her eyes turn to lock with him, brow arching as she tilted her head to the side and then reset.
Chris: Oh, wow! Not even phased, that one! Looks to me like Race is holding back a little bit on Karos, though"
Peter: I suppose it's one thing to step into a ring against one of the greats, like Maximius, Graziano, Ar"Din, Ar'Daumon, or even Karos. But taking up a big old axe like that against a little girl tends to rub some the wrong way.
Chris: Hmm' I don't like it.
Peter: Like what"
Chris: Calling Lily by her last name. With all due respect, you just can't place her on the same level as her father. Instead, I shall call her Mini-K.
Peter: Chris, I reaaaaally don't think that's a good idea. I'd like to go just one week without getting hate mail or death threats.
Chris: Puh-lease. It's not like I'm being disrespectful or anything!
Peter: That's a matter of opinion'
- End footage Round 1. Roll footage, Round 2. LP/TH .5 All. -
Race: Reverses his hold on the axe and swung in with the bottom of the weapon, but the faster weapon was there to deflect just as he had before.
Karos: She simply lifted her blade to slap that axe out of the way when it came down.
Chris: Dang! Mini-K has got some biceps on her!
Peter: She's showing some potential there, Chris. It's a shame we don't have a better shot of her blade, but it looks to be two-handed to me. And that's a very satisfactory deflection on her part, given the ellipsoidal trajectory of Race's weapon.
Chris: I'd say he's racing to score a point! Isn't that right, Pete" " Pete"
- End footage Round 2. Roll footage, Round 3. TH/CP 1-.5 Race. -
Karos: Attempts to thrust in, her blade going for a strike.
Race: Just as with the last attempted stabbing he defended with the haft of the axe, just to get a feel for how the kid fights.
Chris: Oh he's just toying with her now!
Peter: I find that I'm inclined to agree. Race here had the perfect opportunity to take a swing at her legs, but he hesitated. It looks as though he is either biding his time to unnerve his opponent or keeping off her for careful observation of her tactics.
Chris: What's to observe" Her style is not nearly as offensive as his. If it were up to me, I wouldn't give her an inch. She may be a Karos kid, but Mini-K is still an opponent, and in the Arena, that still counts!
Peter: It's easy to be courageous when it's not your head that's on the line, Chris.
Chris: Or other limbs.
- End footage Round 3. Roll footage, Round 4. LC/HC 2-1.5 Race. -
Karos: Makes another swipe at the man's ankles.
Race: Follows up the deflection mod with a light strike, aiming the flat of the axe for he shoulder.
Peter: Much swifter than she seems. Dauntless, even. That swing from Race was perfectly evident and she still went for an angle-tag. A very bold maneuver. Very bold indeed.
Chris: I just don't get it"
Peter: Get what? That was a perfect round, Chris. Both Race and Karos kept their attacks tight and precise.
Chris: No. What I don't get is why they have to recall these action figures. I mean' they could just not sell them to' you know. Stupid people.
Peter: Again, that's a matter of opinion I'd wager, Chris.
Chris: Why would someone hurt himself on this, anyway"
Peter: I tell you what. When you propose an efficient and quick IQ test to accompany the sale of your product, then I'm willing to bet you can get it on the market again.
Chris: I'm gonna fight this thing. I'm going to the top!
- End footage Round 4. Roll footage, Round 5. TH/DU 2.5-2 Karos. -
Karos: Thrusts out with her blade and finally perks a grin.
Race: Doesn't quite get out of there in time.
Chris: Youch! Looks like that one smarts. What's worse, is Mini-K certainly seems to be enjoying herself. That'd make her her father's daughter, I imagine.
Peter: Careful what you say, Chris.
Chris: That's all you're ever telling me! Careful, careful, careful! PFAH! I live life on the WILD side, Pete!
Peter: Says the man who taped bubble wrap to every corner in his house.
Chris: HEY. Those things are SHARP. You walk by on the wrong angle, and they can clip you and possibly sever an artery!
- End footage Round 5. Roll footage, Round 6 and 7. HC/HC 2.5-2 Karos; SL/LC 3-2.5 Race. -
Race: Cuts that hay-maker short with a shift and swat to her exposed flank.
Karos: Yelps as she's swatted and squints, her blade stopping mid air.
Peter: That's" an interesting tactic. You know. If you are looking to sign your own death warrant.
Chris: Isn't she like eleven" Playing with fire there, bub. You better watch it, or people will put odd labels on you.
Peter: People meaning you?
Chris: You'd be surprised how well my nicknames stick, Pete. Just the other day on Good Morning RhyDin I heard them talking about The Tank.
Peter: Yes, except they were talking about an actual tank, Chris.
Chris: I never said they weren't! I'm just saying I'm popular, you know.
Peter: Keep on telling yourself that if it helps you sleep at night.
Chris: Oh it does. Rather soundly.
- End footage Round 7. Roll footage, Round 8. HC/SL 3.5-3 Karos. -
Race: Win some lose some it seems.
Karos: Swings high and practically smacks him upside the head.
Chris: Woo, woo! I have to give Race some credit here. He's trying a hell of a lot of slashing, despite his extreeeemely slim odds of actually landing it.
Peter: It's another bold tactic, Chris. Karos seemed to be playing nonstop offense, so he likely anticipated a strategic rotation. That's Swordplay 101.
Chris: That may be, but it's also what we've been saying for the past' however long we've been doing this. I think people might actually be catching on, Pete! We might actually have viewers!
Peter: If we do, I pity them and empathize with them. I find that a good acetaminophen dosage drowns out his annoying voice, RhyDin.
Chris: Really' Because I find that bourbon works bett- HEEEEEYYYY!
- End footage Round 8. Roll footage, Round 9. SL/TH 4-3.5 Race. -
Karos: Okay, not gonna do that again.
Race: Unless it's a conspiracy theorist....hearing the official as he pushes back to reclaim that precarious lead.
Chris: Oh they're just trading points now. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they're doing it on purpose.
Peter: Well of course they're doing it on purpose, Chris. The point of a duel is to score points against an opponent.
Chris: You know what I mean! It's a little bit of a nerve-wracking duel, so they're dragging it out as long as humanly possible.
Peter: Or, you know, they're just dueling the way that normal duelists duel.
Chris: Say that five times fast! Ah-ha!
Peter: Be that as it may, I find that particular move very unwise on Karos's part. Her weapon is not suitable for slashing - especially when Race was already readying up to take a stab at her midsection. No pun intended.
Chris: Well obviously, Pete. He's got an axe. He doesn't stab. He hacks. Race Hackerson. Ooohhh. I like the sound of that. Hacking for Race-ists, for a better tomorrow!
Peter: - Groans. -
- End footage Round 9. Roll footage, Round 10. HC/LC 5-4.5 Race. -
Race: Follow the lunge with a low swat getting swatted in return.
Karos: Takes another chance to cut a few inches of hair, once more yelping at the swat.
Chris: Seriously, dude. It ain't cool to get all grabby with a former Baron's offspring. You may hack for Race-ists, but you'll hack off other people!
Peter: He's not getting "grabby." He's taking advantage of a crack in her defense. Karos is leaving herself wide open. Her broad high cut is all over the place. It's no wonder he goes low. And he's got the lead, so it's perfectly fine of him to sacrifice a point for it.
Chris: Say what you will, Pete, but I know what I saw. That is one inappropriate Race-ist.
Peter: Now why are you calling Race that name"
Chris: Well he supports himself, right' Got to have confidence in your skill. So as long as he's self-confident, that makes him a Race-ist.
Peter: You know, I'm beginning to think that IQ test idea for your toy might not be a bad idea after all.
Chris: It's all I'm saying, Pete. Keep these things away from stupid people, and we'll just be hunky dory. I can't imagine why anyone would want to swallow this thing. It's sharp, and it's lethal. It's definitely not foodstuffs.
Peter: - Sarcastically. - Maybe it tastes good.
Chris: " You think"
Peter: - Another groan. -
- End footage Round 10. Roll footage, Round 11. TH/FSS 6-4.5 Race. -
Race: She should know what?s coming as he spun around her lunge.
Karos: Thrusts out, but he's not there. Her eyes narrow and her teeth grind for a second before she draws back and nods her head. "Nice duel."
Peter: For a man that totes an axe around, Race is surprisingly light on his feet. I have to give him credit for such an adept elusion. His footing is absolutely superb! He saw into Karos's efforts, and he exploited them. I have high hopes for this fighter, if I may say so myself. Don't you agree, Chris" " Chris" Oh for the love of?! You swallowed it"!
Chris: - Strangled noises. - GAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Peter: I can't believe you? How in god's name did you manage to ever make rank around sharp pointy things"
Chris: Guh' GRAAAAGGG"! - Hacks. -
- Camera returns to the studio, where Chris is obviously choking. Peter is on his feet and patting him on the back. -
Peter: Well, RhyDin! An admirable attempt by the young Karos, but it seems she really has miles to go before she meets her father's standards. Now while we call an ambulance for our good friend Chris, here, let me just remind you that if there is a fight you would like to have covered, don't hesitate to write us! Or just write us in general! We love hearing from you! Until next time, I'm Peter Pham.
Chris: GAAAHH" CHR? HRRRRRGGGGHHH!
Peter: You stay sporty, RhyDin!
- End tape. -
