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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Ten Types of Post Readers September 15, 2010
Society wouldn't be what it is without constant interaction and a means of mass and private communication. Thankfully, inventions such as the printing press, the virtual broadsheet, and of course the ever-popular holodisk have made this era of information possible. And yet here we are, in the midst of this focal period of knowledge, and we are just as dumb and tactless as before.
Samuel Coleridge said that there are four kinds of readers: the sponge, which absorbs all that he reads and returns it in nearly the same state, only a little dirtied; sand-glasses, who retain nothing and are content to get through a book for the sake of getting through the time; strain-bags, who retain merely the dregs of what they read; and mogul diamonds, equally rare and valuable, who profit by what they read, and enable others to profit by it also.
By the same token, it can be assumed that these categories apply to writers. And by writers I refer not to our employees, but to those RhyDin folk who decide to write in to their respective publications to have their voices heard or to dispute something they might have read (and perhaps even misunderstood). In my experience, I have been able to categorize these people in ten ways. Which type are you?
Let us take an example article, shall we"
Once upon a time, there was a happy flock of chickens that lived on a farm. All was well with the world, and they got along wonderfully with their chicken brothers and sisters. One day, however, a group of foxes decided to move in next to the chicken coop. This new home was perfect to them, for chickens are ever known to be a fox's favorite meal.
Every night, a pair of foxes would make their way into the chicken coop and confront the flock.
"Are you a chicken?" the pair would ask of a hen or chick once inside.
"Of course I am a chicken! What else would I be?" would reply whomsoever they encountered within that coop. And so, shrieking and flapping its wings, chicken after chicken would be pulled from the coop and taken by the foxes back to their home.
Little by little, the chickens began to realize what was happening to their brothers and sisters. And so one special chicken concocted a plan. The very next day, when the pair of cunning foxes returned to the coop and asked their question, that chicken had a very different response.
"Are you a chicken?" the fox asked of the first fowl it encountered.
"Of course not! I am a fox!" replied the chicken. "My name is Montducipete DeShmuer."
The foxes were baffled by this creature's reply. After all, what was a fox doing living in a chicken coop"
"Very well," said the fox. "Prove it."
Try as he might though, the chicken could not imitate his fox predators. He tried to yawn and stretch as a fox might, but he had not the backbone nor the jaw for it. He tried to pounce upon and pin his sister hens as the other foxes did, but he had not the claws for it. Seeing this, the pair of foxes decided among themselves that this creature could not possibly be one of them. And so, squawking and flapping its wings in terror, the fowl was dragged out of its coop and taken away to their home.
The moral of the story: Deceit works only as long as you aren't a chicken.
Here might be the ten kinds of responses that are received to such an article. Which are you?
1. "Man, I totally love chicken. I'm going to go pick a bucket up on my way home from work tonight!" ~ Totally Missed the Point
2. "Oh my gosh! You are soooo right, Amelia! And you have such a way with words!" ~ The Flatterer
3. "I'll have you know that I know exactly what incident you are referring to. How dare you write so frivolously about such a terrible occurrence! You are crass, tactless, and have zero respect for those poor souls that were victimized!" ~ The Easily Offended
4. "If I were in that chicken's shoes, I totally would have just pecked that sucker's eyes out anyway." ~ Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda
5. "That reminds me of the time I worked on a farm two summers ago. We had real problems with foxes." ~ Has Nothing Relevant to Say but Seriously Just Wants to be Published
6. "I was there that night. If you'd like a personal interview, here is my number." ~ The Fame Seeker
7. "If you ask me, the world could use a few less of those disgusting 'chickens.' These so-called 'foxes' are a far superior race." ~ The Inciter
8. "The name was a nice touch, but you should have included a middle initial. You missed a few key players!" ~ Positive, Constructive Feedback
9. "Once again, I see you are demeaning the hard work of RhyDin citizens. You realize how dumb this is, right' Learn to actually write." ~ Badmouths the Newspaper but Continues to Read Anyway
10. "Hey, man. A 'home' ain't complete without a couple hundred chicks!" ~ The Comedian
Of course, this week's column would not be complete without an invitation to write back. I welcome my readers to make their own contributions (or to only further reinforce my current theory).
here. Thank you!]]
Ten Types of Post Readers September 15, 2010
Society wouldn't be what it is without constant interaction and a means of mass and private communication. Thankfully, inventions such as the printing press, the virtual broadsheet, and of course the ever-popular holodisk have made this era of information possible. And yet here we are, in the midst of this focal period of knowledge, and we are just as dumb and tactless as before.
Samuel Coleridge said that there are four kinds of readers: the sponge, which absorbs all that he reads and returns it in nearly the same state, only a little dirtied; sand-glasses, who retain nothing and are content to get through a book for the sake of getting through the time; strain-bags, who retain merely the dregs of what they read; and mogul diamonds, equally rare and valuable, who profit by what they read, and enable others to profit by it also.
By the same token, it can be assumed that these categories apply to writers. And by writers I refer not to our employees, but to those RhyDin folk who decide to write in to their respective publications to have their voices heard or to dispute something they might have read (and perhaps even misunderstood). In my experience, I have been able to categorize these people in ten ways. Which type are you?
Let us take an example article, shall we"
Once upon a time, there was a happy flock of chickens that lived on a farm. All was well with the world, and they got along wonderfully with their chicken brothers and sisters. One day, however, a group of foxes decided to move in next to the chicken coop. This new home was perfect to them, for chickens are ever known to be a fox's favorite meal.
Every night, a pair of foxes would make their way into the chicken coop and confront the flock.
"Are you a chicken?" the pair would ask of a hen or chick once inside.
"Of course I am a chicken! What else would I be?" would reply whomsoever they encountered within that coop. And so, shrieking and flapping its wings, chicken after chicken would be pulled from the coop and taken by the foxes back to their home.
Little by little, the chickens began to realize what was happening to their brothers and sisters. And so one special chicken concocted a plan. The very next day, when the pair of cunning foxes returned to the coop and asked their question, that chicken had a very different response.
"Are you a chicken?" the fox asked of the first fowl it encountered.
"Of course not! I am a fox!" replied the chicken. "My name is Montducipete DeShmuer."
The foxes were baffled by this creature's reply. After all, what was a fox doing living in a chicken coop"
"Very well," said the fox. "Prove it."
Try as he might though, the chicken could not imitate his fox predators. He tried to yawn and stretch as a fox might, but he had not the backbone nor the jaw for it. He tried to pounce upon and pin his sister hens as the other foxes did, but he had not the claws for it. Seeing this, the pair of foxes decided among themselves that this creature could not possibly be one of them. And so, squawking and flapping its wings in terror, the fowl was dragged out of its coop and taken away to their home.
The moral of the story: Deceit works only as long as you aren't a chicken.
Here might be the ten kinds of responses that are received to such an article. Which are you?
1. "Man, I totally love chicken. I'm going to go pick a bucket up on my way home from work tonight!" ~ Totally Missed the Point
2. "Oh my gosh! You are soooo right, Amelia! And you have such a way with words!" ~ The Flatterer
3. "I'll have you know that I know exactly what incident you are referring to. How dare you write so frivolously about such a terrible occurrence! You are crass, tactless, and have zero respect for those poor souls that were victimized!" ~ The Easily Offended
4. "If I were in that chicken's shoes, I totally would have just pecked that sucker's eyes out anyway." ~ Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda
5. "That reminds me of the time I worked on a farm two summers ago. We had real problems with foxes." ~ Has Nothing Relevant to Say but Seriously Just Wants to be Published
6. "I was there that night. If you'd like a personal interview, here is my number." ~ The Fame Seeker
7. "If you ask me, the world could use a few less of those disgusting 'chickens.' These so-called 'foxes' are a far superior race." ~ The Inciter
8. "The name was a nice touch, but you should have included a middle initial. You missed a few key players!" ~ Positive, Constructive Feedback
9. "Once again, I see you are demeaning the hard work of RhyDin citizens. You realize how dumb this is, right' Learn to actually write." ~ Badmouths the Newspaper but Continues to Read Anyway
10. "Hey, man. A 'home' ain't complete without a couple hundred chicks!" ~ The Comedian
Of course, this week's column would not be complete without an invitation to write back. I welcome my readers to make their own contributions (or to only further reinforce my current theory).
here. Thank you!]]