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Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane
Ten Ways to be Single by the End of the Month; or, Nosy Relationship No-no's! August 25, 2010
If you have lived in, breathed, or occupied any tiny, submicroscopic amount of RhyDin air, then you are already well acquainted with the city's infamous "revolving door" relationships. It seems that for some people, a life of monogamy just isn't enough. Some folks can't help it! They want room to breathe! And others" Well, others were either loved too much or too little by mom and pop and wound up with textbook commitment issues. Don't get me wrong, though. We here at the Post adore RhyDinians from absolutely every walk of life, even if it means having to keep up with your nine partners in the past week.
For those of you that want to have a break from your long-term relationship and don't have the guts to break it off, or those of you that need some pointers on how to actually keep a solid relationship, we here at the Gossip Column have thrown together a list of sure-fire ways to dissolve any romance between you and your significant other. But before you start, I know what you're going to say. Emmet, you dazzlingly handsome and irresistible studmuffin, you! I have done some of these things, and the both of us are disgustingly and blissfully happy! Well good for you, sir or missy! I'm sure that means your relationship is strong, healthy, and will probably last forever!
" or will it"
Without further ado, I give you ten ways to be single by the end of the month (or week, depending on how short your attention span is).
1. Mr. Johnson, Please Step Away from the Particle Acceleration Apparatus Traveling back in time to solve a petty dispute sounded like a fantastic idea in retrospect, but how were you to know stepping on that one species of flower would bring about the extinction of the human race on RhyDin" Exaggeration aside, the moral of the story is if you want your relationship to last, then don't look for quick fixes. On the other hand, if you'd like to push for being single again, then it gets really simple, really quickly: Ignore the disputes altogether.
2. Be a Pushover Unless you're a delicate little flower or one of those few species here that lack emotion, chances are you'd like a little respect every now and then. Contrary to popular belief, being patronized out the wazoo isn't respectful at all. It is insulting. At the same time, feeling obligated to cater to your loved one's every whim - even if it means quitting your job so that you can go with her to that ballroom dancing class she loves so much - probably isn't the best way to banish festering indignation. Being an individual and arguing is part of a healthy relationship. Besides, after years and years of placating your darling hothead, you'll start to wonder why you unconsciously put rat poison in her cornflakes every morning. Amazing how that happens.
3. If Men are from Mars, Women are from Gamma Delta Five BX-9194V What I'm talking about here is communication. Later I explore the idea of getting to know your spouse before you say your vows, but the bases of any relationship, however long or short, are understanding and trust. It's nearly impossible to have a fulfilling partnership without some knowledge of what?s going on in your chick or dude's head. So please, make the effort. Or, you know" don't.
4. You Got Shot Again" Let's face it. RhyDin is positively bursting with drama. There are times when you just can't avoid it. But for those damsels of you that deliberately put yourself in harm's way, it might behoove you to know that the knight-in-shining-armor routine can get reaaaaally exhausting for us" especially if we have to race in and rescue you three times a week. So instead of making buddy-buddy and having a friendly fight with your neighborhood slaver, why don't you take up a safer hobby' Say' dragon taming"
5. Now You See Me" Oh, Wait. No You Don't Sure, conflicts can be avoided by making yourself scarce. They can be even be completely obliterated by, say, walking out on your family for years at a time. Yeah, yeah. You were being tortured. You were kidnapped by fairies. You were in a shipwreck and lost your memory. The relationship you had was really just a result of your dead ex-husband's supernatural lingering feelings transplanted into your best friend's soul. We've heard it all before. Doesn't necessarily give you an excuse to play a disappearing act, though. Granted, walking out on a relationship is probably one of the easiest ways to wrap one up, but if you plan on ending on good terms, at least let him or her know that your evil twin who recently died was really the one who was invested in the union.
6. Go all Moose and Midge I get it. You're tuh-hotally head over heels for this girl-slash-dude and can't stand the thought of having another girl-slash-dude all over your squeeze. But tackling the nice old man in the Inn for passing your girlfriend a napkin when she spills her drink might possibly be construed as slightly unattractive. On the other hand, spazzing out when your man holds the door open for another woman might just as easily be considered slightly psychotic. If you are looking to alienate your crush, by all means keep them locked up in your basement so only you can enjoy them. But if you'd like your relationship to actually stand a chance, I recommend taking a deep breath and acting like an adult every once in a while.
7. Pull an EmDoc No offense. But on the other end of the spectrum, there are few people confident and trusting enough in their relationship to allow for the random making out of different men and women. Certainly some people can handle it, and all my love and praise goes out to those. But unless you've agreed upon specific rules ahead of time, it's very possible that hooking up with that streaker from the Inn could be considered cheating. Besides - how do you know if that elf or gnome actually brushes her teeth' Ick!
8. Superglue on a Spectral Level I'm talking about this soul-slash-blood-slash-mind bonding whatever business that is all the rage with you kids these days. I'm sure that when you're all a-twitter with love, sharing your experiences with your honey sounds like a totally fabulous idea. But there is always a point in a relationship where there is doubt (and if there isn't in yours, there will be). That doubt can do one of two things. It can either: A. Encourage the two of you to work out your differences and in the end bolster your relationship, or, more likely, B. Once shared, be compounded and make both of you defensive and hurt. And I won't shy away from what goes unsaid, RhyDin. Just because Billy Joe might be in love with Jeannie May doesn't mean that he doesn't find former Gov' Kitty's rack amazing. I mean....who doesn't' (I stepped out of a hypothetical situation. So sue me). But do you honestly think that Jeannie May wants to know about that' If some supreme being wanted us to be anything but private individuals, it would have saved time and effort by making us one giant multicellular organism. Like a giant slug. You don't really want to be a slug, do you?
9. Make a Mini-Me So I know it can't be helped sometimes. Sometimes these things just happen. But you would be amazed at how many women these days think they can patch together a failing relationship by forgetting to take the pill one month and winding up with a bun in the oven. This can result in one of two consequences. One: Having the baby brings both parents together and reinforces why they love each other. OR, the more likely of circumstances: Having the baby either sends the other partner running for the hills, or completely ruins what little connection they had in the first place by forcing too much responsibility into an immature relationship. In RhyDin, almost all of us are kids at heart. So if you or your squeeze are not ready for a kid, it's really very simple. Don't have one.
10. Get Hitched Ohhh, RhyDin, RhyDin, RhyDin. I am so over hearing about folks meeting one week and deciding to get married the next. Now I'm all about equal rights. I believe that absolutely anyone should be allowed to be as unhappy as married folk. But really' Unless you've spent that entire week talking (and I mean every hour of every day) then you really don't have much of a foundation on which to build a life together. I'm all for love at first sight; heck, I'm a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic. But if you find yourself struggling to remember your partner's name at the altar, chances are you may have jumped the gun a teensy bit.
Until next time, stay sassy, RhyDin!
Ten Ways to be Single by the End of the Month; or, Nosy Relationship No-no's! August 25, 2010
If you have lived in, breathed, or occupied any tiny, submicroscopic amount of RhyDin air, then you are already well acquainted with the city's infamous "revolving door" relationships. It seems that for some people, a life of monogamy just isn't enough. Some folks can't help it! They want room to breathe! And others" Well, others were either loved too much or too little by mom and pop and wound up with textbook commitment issues. Don't get me wrong, though. We here at the Post adore RhyDinians from absolutely every walk of life, even if it means having to keep up with your nine partners in the past week.
For those of you that want to have a break from your long-term relationship and don't have the guts to break it off, or those of you that need some pointers on how to actually keep a solid relationship, we here at the Gossip Column have thrown together a list of sure-fire ways to dissolve any romance between you and your significant other. But before you start, I know what you're going to say. Emmet, you dazzlingly handsome and irresistible studmuffin, you! I have done some of these things, and the both of us are disgustingly and blissfully happy! Well good for you, sir or missy! I'm sure that means your relationship is strong, healthy, and will probably last forever!
" or will it"
Without further ado, I give you ten ways to be single by the end of the month (or week, depending on how short your attention span is).
1. Mr. Johnson, Please Step Away from the Particle Acceleration Apparatus Traveling back in time to solve a petty dispute sounded like a fantastic idea in retrospect, but how were you to know stepping on that one species of flower would bring about the extinction of the human race on RhyDin" Exaggeration aside, the moral of the story is if you want your relationship to last, then don't look for quick fixes. On the other hand, if you'd like to push for being single again, then it gets really simple, really quickly: Ignore the disputes altogether.
2. Be a Pushover Unless you're a delicate little flower or one of those few species here that lack emotion, chances are you'd like a little respect every now and then. Contrary to popular belief, being patronized out the wazoo isn't respectful at all. It is insulting. At the same time, feeling obligated to cater to your loved one's every whim - even if it means quitting your job so that you can go with her to that ballroom dancing class she loves so much - probably isn't the best way to banish festering indignation. Being an individual and arguing is part of a healthy relationship. Besides, after years and years of placating your darling hothead, you'll start to wonder why you unconsciously put rat poison in her cornflakes every morning. Amazing how that happens.
3. If Men are from Mars, Women are from Gamma Delta Five BX-9194V What I'm talking about here is communication. Later I explore the idea of getting to know your spouse before you say your vows, but the bases of any relationship, however long or short, are understanding and trust. It's nearly impossible to have a fulfilling partnership without some knowledge of what?s going on in your chick or dude's head. So please, make the effort. Or, you know" don't.
4. You Got Shot Again" Let's face it. RhyDin is positively bursting with drama. There are times when you just can't avoid it. But for those damsels of you that deliberately put yourself in harm's way, it might behoove you to know that the knight-in-shining-armor routine can get reaaaaally exhausting for us" especially if we have to race in and rescue you three times a week. So instead of making buddy-buddy and having a friendly fight with your neighborhood slaver, why don't you take up a safer hobby' Say' dragon taming"
5. Now You See Me" Oh, Wait. No You Don't Sure, conflicts can be avoided by making yourself scarce. They can be even be completely obliterated by, say, walking out on your family for years at a time. Yeah, yeah. You were being tortured. You were kidnapped by fairies. You were in a shipwreck and lost your memory. The relationship you had was really just a result of your dead ex-husband's supernatural lingering feelings transplanted into your best friend's soul. We've heard it all before. Doesn't necessarily give you an excuse to play a disappearing act, though. Granted, walking out on a relationship is probably one of the easiest ways to wrap one up, but if you plan on ending on good terms, at least let him or her know that your evil twin who recently died was really the one who was invested in the union.
6. Go all Moose and Midge I get it. You're tuh-hotally head over heels for this girl-slash-dude and can't stand the thought of having another girl-slash-dude all over your squeeze. But tackling the nice old man in the Inn for passing your girlfriend a napkin when she spills her drink might possibly be construed as slightly unattractive. On the other hand, spazzing out when your man holds the door open for another woman might just as easily be considered slightly psychotic. If you are looking to alienate your crush, by all means keep them locked up in your basement so only you can enjoy them. But if you'd like your relationship to actually stand a chance, I recommend taking a deep breath and acting like an adult every once in a while.
7. Pull an EmDoc No offense. But on the other end of the spectrum, there are few people confident and trusting enough in their relationship to allow for the random making out of different men and women. Certainly some people can handle it, and all my love and praise goes out to those. But unless you've agreed upon specific rules ahead of time, it's very possible that hooking up with that streaker from the Inn could be considered cheating. Besides - how do you know if that elf or gnome actually brushes her teeth' Ick!
8. Superglue on a Spectral Level I'm talking about this soul-slash-blood-slash-mind bonding whatever business that is all the rage with you kids these days. I'm sure that when you're all a-twitter with love, sharing your experiences with your honey sounds like a totally fabulous idea. But there is always a point in a relationship where there is doubt (and if there isn't in yours, there will be). That doubt can do one of two things. It can either: A. Encourage the two of you to work out your differences and in the end bolster your relationship, or, more likely, B. Once shared, be compounded and make both of you defensive and hurt. And I won't shy away from what goes unsaid, RhyDin. Just because Billy Joe might be in love with Jeannie May doesn't mean that he doesn't find former Gov' Kitty's rack amazing. I mean....who doesn't' (I stepped out of a hypothetical situation. So sue me). But do you honestly think that Jeannie May wants to know about that' If some supreme being wanted us to be anything but private individuals, it would have saved time and effort by making us one giant multicellular organism. Like a giant slug. You don't really want to be a slug, do you?
9. Make a Mini-Me So I know it can't be helped sometimes. Sometimes these things just happen. But you would be amazed at how many women these days think they can patch together a failing relationship by forgetting to take the pill one month and winding up with a bun in the oven. This can result in one of two consequences. One: Having the baby brings both parents together and reinforces why they love each other. OR, the more likely of circumstances: Having the baby either sends the other partner running for the hills, or completely ruins what little connection they had in the first place by forcing too much responsibility into an immature relationship. In RhyDin, almost all of us are kids at heart. So if you or your squeeze are not ready for a kid, it's really very simple. Don't have one.
10. Get Hitched Ohhh, RhyDin, RhyDin, RhyDin. I am so over hearing about folks meeting one week and deciding to get married the next. Now I'm all about equal rights. I believe that absolutely anyone should be allowed to be as unhappy as married folk. But really' Unless you've spent that entire week talking (and I mean every hour of every day) then you really don't have much of a foundation on which to build a life together. I'm all for love at first sight; heck, I'm a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic. But if you find yourself struggling to remember your partner's name at the altar, chances are you may have jumped the gun a teensy bit.
Until next time, stay sassy, RhyDin!