Topic: Ten Ways to be the Baddest Villain

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-01-04 22:53 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Ten Ways to be the Baddest Villain January 4, 2010

" And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you rotten kids!

Tired of being foiled in your plans for world domination"* Feel like no one respects you? Have each of your spectacularly laid plans to crush your enemies failed, and you don't know what you're doing wrong" It's a thankless job, trying to rule the world. But never fear, RhyDin. We have analyzed many traditional villain mistakes and faux-pas, and have compiled a list of what not to do.

For the spiteful, vengeful baddies out there, we give you Ten Ways to be the Baddest Villain.

1. I will not make a slave fall in love with me. If I do, I will never let her out in public again.

2. I will not withdraw my bitter sarcastic criticism the day after I have made it. It makes me look wishy-washy.

3. If I have my nemesis cornered and he is near death, I will not explain my entire evil plot to him, since I think he's going to die anyway.

4. I will not cackle maniacally when I should be strategizing for a battle.

5. I will not decide to "play' with my arch nemesis and waste precious time that could be spent cutting him into tiny pieces.

6. I will not include a self-destruct system in the plans of my lair.

7. If I choose to indulge in psychological warfare, I will strike fear into the hearts of citizens with a current fear, and not with a dead one.

8. I will not make any attempts to wed a woman on the opposing side, no matter how hot she is. Chances are she will betray me at some point.

9. I will not be lured onto a roof of a building or a precarious cliff by my nemesis where I run the risk of being thrown off during struggle. Instead, I will merely relax in my lair and pursue said nemesis with heat-seeking missiles.

10. If I wish to reassert my nefarious ways by threatening or maiming worthless peons, I will not do so where said peons are armed and want to kill me" like in the Arena or during Fight Night.

*Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical, and we at the Post in no way support malicious tyrants or violence itself.