Topic: The RhyDin Post Astrologer - Horoscopes

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-04-27 00:41 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

May 2010 April 26, 2010

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Consider this birthday another nail in the coffin" unless, of course, you prefer your coffin without nails, or you happen to be immortal. In that case, make up for the year you won't be aging by performing some suicidal act of recklessness. If you survive, congratulations! You just shaved one year off your life!

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Ruled by Mercury - a god notorious for mind tripping. If you are a dueler in one of the many sports, refrain from touching a wand after the sixteenth. The stars tell me that you are dense as London fog, and a borderline schizophrenic. Oh. And you have an oddly shaped nose.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Let your creativity and imagination run wild this month! Try to envision what your life will look like when you get that promotion to head Dragon Waste Collector!

Leo July 23 - August 22

Consider the ten pounds you gained last month a greater means to reconnect with your ruling god, the Sun. While you will never be as hot as it is, you can take comfort in the fact that your colossal size will likely garner you more attention by passers by. Virgo August 23 - September 22

Keep a bottle of Brett's Silver Nitrate No. 1 on hand after the twentieth and take care when walking alone through the woods. Your flesh will seem especially tasty to werewolves this month.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Take a break from crime fighting after the ninth and boost your rep by framing some super executives for embezzlement' the blow the case wiiiiide open, take all the credit, and reap the benefits!

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Rest assured that when you finally kick the bucket (likely very soon), your reincarnation will be in something far more interesting than yourself. Algae, for instance.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Nine percent of all spontaneous combustion incidents occur in the workplace. Defy the odds by setting yourself on fire at home.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Tired of being picked on at school" Get someone else's goat on the eighth by staging your own death in a freak orc-fighting incident. Once you've collected the insurance funds, use them to hire an actual orc to "avenge your death." Then live out the rest of your life as your evil twin brother or sister.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Reexamine your patron god Uranus's electric and spontaneous characteristics this month by doing something completely out of the ordinary. Or" you know" don't.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

The stars had begun to tell me about an epic, passionate romance you were going to encounter this month after the thirteenth, but it turns out they were talking about someone else.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Children of Mars, the god of "I win, you lose," are recommended to put their world domination plans on the backburner in favor of some family time this month. Bring Aunt Midge the bloody head of a pig to show your affection, or teach your cousin that eviscerating torture method he just can't seem to master.

And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-05-31 15:00 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

June 2010 May 31, 2010

Gemini May 21 - June 21

The stars tell me romance is in your favor this month! Around the day of your birth, be on the lookout for a good, squishy-looking Aries that you and your multiple personalities can beat both physically and verbally into shape over dinner. Or, if you happen to be of a flexible sexual orientation, go out and enjoy a double date with yourself. Surely some communication is in order by now.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Around the tenth, you will have vivid flashbacks of your former life as vagrant pond pebble when a giant sea monster swallows you and spits you out again covered in slime. Thankfully, your reincarnated self is just as tough, bland, and unappetizing as before. Think of it as your saving grace.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Consider yourself lucky! The Town Watch will immediately rule you out this week as a suspect in the case of the Captivating, Charismatic, Irresistible Super-Thief. Virgo August 23 - September 22

An unusual and interesting series of events this month will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a dragon hatchling, a sewer troll, or an ice sculptor. Also, beware the significance of flying pancakes.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Fame, fortune, and countless wins will come to you in the dueling rings this month, due in no small part to a new mandatory tranquilizer experimentation policy to be enforced on your opponents at the outset of every match.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

You might possibly come to terms with your mortality this month' just in time to become the victim of an unfortunate dragon feeding frenzy accident.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

The men and ladies around RhyDin won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a stylish summer fashion of Velcro gloves and suits.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

It turns out that your weakness isn't your egotistical, status-seeking personality, but rather arrows, sulfuric acid, and a pack of angry, rabid ferrets.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You will find out this month that your dream of being the life of the party is not all it's cracked up to be in the literal sense" Especially in a room full of hungry, undead zombies.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

It's been quite a while since the stars have spoken about the pair of gypsies chained up in the basement of your secret lair, but don't worry, we haven't forgotten they're still down there.

Aries March 21 - April 19

About this upcoming Friday: Let that be a lesson to you about who to loan your lottery winnings, handcuffs, and thirty-pound mace.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

The Watch is pretty O.K., you guess, but you honestly can't see yourself wearing one of their snazzy uniforms over going bare-chested or scantily clad on patrol. Rest assured, the petition for "MORE SKIN, MORE WIN!? you wish to submit will likely be rejected by the Ministry of Defense. The Minister probably has more important things to worry about' Like where that intern is with his damn coffee.

And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-06-30 22:09 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

July 2010 June 30, 2010

Cancer June 22 - July 22

There comes a moment in every creature's life - especially around the day of his birth - when he must examine his overall worth and success in life. You should consider putting this moment off indefinitely.

Leo July 23 - August 22

It turns out that the black cat that crossed your path last week really won't have as much to do with your poor fortune as the stampede of elephants will around the twentieth. Virgo August 23 - September 22

After countless bags of gold spent on in-depth psychoanalysis by an expensive shrink and the unflagging support by your friends and family, you will finally be convinced to come out of your shell around the eleventh. Unfortunately, your anatomical state as a mutant turtle hybrid will make this physically impossible.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Keep your hands out of the kitchen at the Red Dragon Inn on the tenth, as some merciless taunting by a redheaded temptress will stir the infamous stew into a bloodthirsty feeding frenzy.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

You will learn from a bitter, uncomfortable, and potentially traumatizing experience this month that it's probably a better idea not to spontaneously ask certain people to spoon with you. Also, you might want to reconsider getting counseling for your leprosy fetish.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

The emotional turmoil you will face trying to decide between two lovers will come to a slow-moving and shrieking end when one decides to chain the other to his horse and go for a ride through a field of cuckle burrs inhabited by porcupines.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

As it turns out, you should have listened to your mother about faces and making them. While experience tells you that facial muscles naturally return to a state of partial relaxation, experience didn't factor in the gunslinger in the Back Alley you will run into on the eighteenth armed with permanent paralysis darts.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Just keep telling the Watch officers "Usstan xuat telanth Rivvin." Unless they're Drow. In which case, run.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Consider rethinking the spells you use in the Duel of Magic this month. Heartlessly immolating your opponent until he is a lifeless, dilapidated piece of charcoal is so last year.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Do your best to overcome your fears of man-eating dragons this week. Douse yourself in blood and confront one to convince yourself that it can't possibly hurt you.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Your absurd and irrational fear of certain clinics and of healers in RhyDin this month will become replaced by a very reasonable and justified fear of them.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Around the ninth, you will commit a classic dating faux pas when you suddenly tackle your dinner date in a fancy Marketplace restaurant, tear into their sternum and feast on their organs with a pair of expensive chopsticks and no napkin.

And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-07-31 17:28 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

August 2010 July 31, 2010

Leo July 23 - August 22

The good news is you have been considered the best thief in RhyDin. The bad news is so have nine hundred and thirty-seven others. With little else to steal, the stars recommend picking up another lucrative hobby. Embroidery, perhaps.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

The plucky street urchin with the shady past and uncanny resemblance to your arch nemesis really might not be the best person to entrust that mythical bow and arrow to while you go and check out the stability of that precariously dangling rope bridge hanging over a molten river of lava. Just a thought.

Libra September 23 - October 23

While the stars won't tell me much about your future this month, they will tell me that you might want to consider investing in some industrial-strength padlocks and chains. You know" with Union 47 wandering around.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

While insanity and sadism are certainly as good motivations as any for world domination, the stars encourage you to delve deep into your subconscious to discover exactly what prompted you to drive that pike through Mr. Brenby's eye socket last Tuesday. Why don't you pull up a couch and tell them about your mother"

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

As it turns out, the birthmark you have that supposedly destines you to destroy Lord Barbarous the Cruel, assume the throne he stole from his predecessor during the Wars of Virtue, and rule upon these lands as a prophesied kind and almighty sovereign who will usher in a new reign of peace is actually just a pizza stain. Our bad.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Given recent events in RhyDin, apparently certain laws of mortality don't apply any longer. Celebrate by trying out deaths you've always wanted to. Involve Swiss cheese somehow. Be creative!

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

The stars sympathize with your desire to have a large family, but perhaps when you begin naming children after your favorite foods, days of the week and sediment compositions, you might want to consider some form of birth control.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You will watch around the twelfth this month as a happy group of out-of-towners are gunned down in the middle of the Red Dragon Inn. But don't worry; there was nothing you could possibly have done without minimally inconveniencing yourself.

Aries March 21 - April 19

The powers that be ask that you be calm and comply with their decision to kill you off this month for the sake of character development. It's nothing personal.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

The stars politely ask that you refrain from inciting the slave revolt you were planning by defeating an opponent in a feat of gladiatorial combat this month, and anticipate that it will only end in dismal failure. The stars also ask you to disregard their spokesperson's new supply of priceless gemstones and team of house servants.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

While the cosmos certainly applauds your devotion to nature, perhaps soulbonding yourself to a garden slug wasn't the brightest way to ensure a long and fulfilling life.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Though they realize that your grandmother was a smart woman, and though you may agree that there is nothing that good exercise and a hot toddy can't cure, the stars still suggest having those lead bullets surgically removed.



And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-08-31 12:58 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

September 2010 August 31, 2010

Virgo August 23 - September 22

The stars regretfully rescind their prediction of your death last month. As it happens, your expiration is planned for this month. They apologize for any inconvenience, and ask that you keep looting to a minimum.

Libra September 23 - October 23

The phrase "bloody hell" will take on a new meaning for you when you find yourself the guest of honor at the Starsight Vampire Coven's infamous Type O party.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

You will immediately regret marrying a pyromaniac the eighteenth when you offhandedly mention that you have money to burn.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

The cosmos asks that you please be patient while it tests its emergency broadcast system. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been doomed.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

While it doesn't seem plausible now, your hand-to-hand brawl with a rabid, lycanthropic rocket scientist over the flaming, wraith-infested Pit of Despair will actually be the easy part of your week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You will learn a very valuable lesson this week that people, against all odds, do have the capacity to change. Unfortunately that change is sometimes into viral, flesh-eating mutants from the Underdark.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Not that it's the stars' business or anything, but smothering your girlfriend's dog and hiding its corpse under your welcome mat might not be what she meant when she said "get over it."

Aries March 21 - April 19

You may die happy this month knowing that your meaningless existence brought an infinitesimal amount of appreciation to a RhyDinian's life. Preferably without anchovies and in thirty minutes or less.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

You'll acquire the best of both worlds on the eleventh when your affinity for winged things, horseshoes, and your love of cheese combine to form the man of your dreams.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

The stars tell me that this week is an excellent one for expanding your horizons dating-wise, but ask you to please reconsider your growing feelings for the box of frozen flounder you purchased from the supermarket Monday.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how watching you be kissed by a naked Tass was the highlight of their lives.

Leo July 23 - August 22

The cosmos confidently assures you this month that love will always be available to you as long as the sun will rise. It's just an unfortunate shame that you chose to build your home on the Planet of Perpetual Dark.

And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-10-03 17:52 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

October 2010 October 3, 2010

Libra September 23 - October 23

Ordering a "gory and blood-filled" Halloween cake for your shindig this October will seem like a brilliant idea? up until the pastry chef shows up at your door with a machete and a bucket to retrieve one of the "key ingredients."

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

So maybe the incident that will occur on the ninth won't seem so terribly entertaining to you, but it sure as heck will be to the tavern owner, the mortician, and all of the emus involved.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You'll learn this month that it's O.K. to admit you have some schizophrenia issues you need to deal with. No it isn't. Yes it is. No it isn't. Yes it is.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

While "having a good screw" sounds like an excellent suggestion by your roommate to relieve some tension, it turns out that losing a kidney in the middle of the Red Dragon Inn courtesy of a psychopath with a wine opener might not have been exactly what you had in mind.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Not that they want to make you feel any worse, but even the stars know betting over your head in hopes of filling a straight flush is a terrible idea - especially if you're colorblind. Idiot.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

No, people who work at Riverview are not considered a cult. That they all seem to be related and insist you drink their punch to become a part of their "family" is only the benign amiability of your run-of-the-mill weirdoes.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Don't worry! You can thank whatever gods it is you worship that the fuzzy thing you keep seeing flying across your floors at night isn't a Tribble. It's just a plague-infected mutant rat.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

It's O.K. RhyDin doesn't have to know about the infestation or the enormous natural resource shortage. Your term is almost up, anyway. Let the next guy handle it.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Perhaps the Wrath of the Firepoker on your cousin Bill in the Red Dragon this month will teach you never to drink or fall asleep in a bar again.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

While you will relax over the fact that the girl you're currently dating is, in fact, eighteen, you will reconsider the plausibility of your partnership and consider just how long she has actually been that old when she asks exactly what Tara meant when she addressed the swimming abilities of Neo's "fishes."

Leo July 23 - August 22

The stars request that you hold off on asking about your horoscope until later, as Leo has opted to vacation this month in search of "me" time. What' The world doesn't revolve around you, you know.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Whether or not you succeeded, the important thing at the end of the day is that you stood up to that crocodile and didn't run away like a wuss.

And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-11-01 13:47 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

November 2010 November 1, 2010

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

We get that you are proud of your mad parenting skills, but perhaps you shouldn't exactly consider it a success that your child spent all of Halloween night reporting every suspicious-looking ghost or goblin to the RhyDin Watch.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

The stars would like to remind you that all those wonderful compliments you received in the Inn were only a product of Opposite Night.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You will face an enormous sense of loss and rejection on the eighth when the intergalactic conflict once again overshadows your time in the spotlight. Rest assured, though. You can always win the Badsider Beer drinking competition next month.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You will come to the disappointing conclusion on the twentieth that while eating the stew in the Inn may not have killed you, the fatal radioactive carcinogens now proliferating in your bloodstream probably won't make you stronger.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Congratulations. Your turkey-slaughtering fetish will finally seem socially appropriate this month.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Despite your efforts, you will still not be as unpleasant or offensive as your idol, Darkmere Alcar, unless you take a cue from him and insist repetitively and endlessly that you are to everyone around you.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Learn to explore your inner self this month. Grab a pair of pliers and chainsaw and report to Shambles Clinic for a crash course in self-triage.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

The stars regret to inform you that courtesy of the atmospheric detonations taking place just off world, the entire Gemini constellation has been obliterated and you therefore have no future.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Look on the brighter side of your unwanted pregnancy. If you feed it enough, a future child can serve as a pretty adequate human shield during Red Dragon Inn shootouts.

Leo July 23 - August 22

You will watch on helplessly this month as the harbingers of Minxism announce the arrival of the Almighty Minx, soon to ferry loyal followers to paradise. It is an unfortunate shame you chose this week to become an atheist.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

The cosmos would like to warn you that the Watch officer who will interrogate you on the eighteenth for the suspected burying alive of Sheridan Driscol probably won't see as eye-to-eye with you on your literal interpretation of his "Remember Your Roots" campaign.

Libra September 23 - October 23

You will consider yourself fortunate that you don't have any metal food allergies when you discover a Halloween candy-packaging mix-up between the Special Sweets Company and RhyDin Scalpel and Razor Industries.



And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-11-29 15:22 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

December 2010 November 28, 2010

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Though it is often a common misconception that suicide rates spike during the holidays, the stars encourage you to be unique and disobey that trend.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You will be hailed as a methodical genius on the eleventh when you neutralize a goblin rebellion by introducing them to shrinky-dinks.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You will be hurt and disappointed toward the middle of the month when you learn that your invention idea and patent for backwards, fireproof pantaloons has already been taken.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You will relive the worst traumatic experience of your life tomorrow when you wake up to find you have miraculously hit a second puberty.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Don't worry. You will find relief this on the twentieth when you learn that your unhealthy infatuation with that unattractive, overweight colleague of yours is only part and parcel to your cannibalistic desires.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

You will have a truly monumental debate with family over Yule dinner that will enlighten and change your outlook on life. Still, you will be disenchanted that no middle ground can be reached over the appropriate pronunciation of the word "pecan."

Gemini May 21 - June 21

The water element is strong in Gemini this month. If perchance you happen to drown yourself or someone you know, consider it a good omen.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Return to your roots as a sun sign this month: Heat or ignite anything that comes within one thousand miles of your diameter to a temperature of 5800 K.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Think of it this way: Your grandmother may have bit the dust, but at least now you can save on postage when it comes time to sending out your Seasons Greetings cards.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your shock and sense of inevitable annihilation will heighten this month when strange, magical white things begin to fall from the sky.

Libra September 23 - October 23

The stars will congratulate you this month for being resilient and condemning conformity when you refuse to let good holiday spirit interfere with your daily sulk in the Red Dragon Inn.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

The cosmos regrets to inform you that it has decided to cancel your horoscope this month, saving time to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas.



And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-01-01 17:56 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

January 2011 January 1, 2011

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

The stars would like to remind you that resolving to make a resolution this year doesn't count as much as you think it does.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

After a yearlong debate over the correct use of the word "escalate," you will make a prominent grammar expert eat his words this month when one of your eyebrows does, in fact, increase rapidly in quantity and quality.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

If there is one thing you have learned from the repetitive hacking-and-slashing of random opponents in the confines of a magically protected arena? you really have no idea what it is.

Aries March 21 - April 19

While the cosmos understands that all you want to do is prevent the invasion of evil underground bunny rabbits, it still encourages you to put the crossbow down and trust the nice men in white coats.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Resolve to make some improvements in your life and health this year. Maybe have that necrotizing fasciitis taken care of, or at the very least look into why your head is still on fire.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You will be personally responsible for the end of all life as we know it this month following a tragic misunderstanding with Harold Ramis. On the bright side, you can count yourself fortunate that the seams of your clothing during this time remained thankfully uncrossed.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

The cosmos has decided to supply you with a new personal motto for the new year: "Cancer. Putting the 'hospital' into 'hospitality' since 1991."

Leo July 23 - August 22

Rest assured, that crushing feeling you have that you are constantly being watched may not be entirely unfounded. But the stars recommend that perhaps you should spend your time worrying about more important things - like how you're going to escape this damn ant farm.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

The nonchalant and aloof air you are trying to convey in public while reading a book in the Red Dragon Inn would probably be a lot more convincing if what you are reading wasn't the newest best seller, "How to Seem Nonchalant and Aloof in Public."

Libra September 23 - October 23

The stars would like to remind you that while taking it to Mordor to be destroyed might be therapeutic, it may not be the most inexpensive of plans for the engagement ring your ex returned to you on New Year's.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

You will rejoice come the fourteenth as you are finally able to feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy. Rest assured, it will be the last time Roast Peking Duck ever crosses your path again.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your quest for inner peace will be foiled this month after you have a third helping of the Red Dragon Inn's infamous stew.



And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-01-31 15:19 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

February 2011 January 31, 2011

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

As much as you would like to have your own holiday, the stars would like to inform you that being beheaded by your own barcalounger during a Sex and the City marathon does not qualify you for sainthood.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Beware the Ides of Parched, where the streets will run amber with wasted Silver Mark.

Aries March 21 - April 19

A long-standing argument you have been having with a friend this month will finally end when you get the nerve to actually put the rat poison in his cereal already.

Taurus April 20 - May 20 If there is one thing you truly hate about yourself it's your sheer sense of ambiguity. That or something else.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

While you generally refuse to follow the crowd, you really can't see a downside to a disk of vulcanized rubber being launched toward your cranium at upwards of sixty miles per hour.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You will finally realize Wednesday that a bizarre incident involving an Elvis poster, an encyclopedia collection, and lots and lots of alcohol can be attributed to the twenty thousand dollars missing from your bank account and the dead whale currently stinking up your living room.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Delight will be yours when you celebrate Valentine's Day and the Bloody Eve of Grand Sacrifice on the same night this year.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

You will be afflicted with regret and a terrible taste in your mouth this month when you fail to specify the anatomical position required for your kissing booth recipients.

Libra September 23 - October 23

The only thing you have to fear that may cost you your life this month is paper cutouts in red and pink colors.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

While it is generally accepted that laughter is the best medicine, it probably wasn't the most brilliant of ideas for you to exchange your chemotherapy with crappy Will Ferrell movies.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your zero-win record could be due to the fact that all those duelists are cheating or are out to get you. Then again, it could have to do with the fact that you've never stepped inside a dueling ring.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You will be sorely disappointed this month when you learn too late that latest musical endeavor by the Shanachie Theatre has nothing whatsoever to do with pens or ants.



And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-02-28 14:52 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

March 2011 February 28, 2011

Pisces February 19 - March 20

The stars think it is wonderful that you are so empathetic and upset about the dead kitten you found in your front yard this morning. But they really wish you wouldn't have shot all your neighbors because of it.

Aries March 21 - April 19

There is something to be said about not beating a dead horse when it comes to wit and humor, but you seem perfectly fine with flogging the animal's carcass, dismembering it, and mounting it on your wall.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

The cosmos would like to remind you that just because you claimed you are an "earthy" person on your RhyFriends profile, it doesn't mean you should bathe less often than anyone else.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Uncertainty is in Gemini's future this month. Make sure to stock up on spatulas and spare shoelaces.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

The stars encourage you not to lose hope when it feels like your life is stuck in an infinite loop on a racetrack. Even cars run out of gas eventually.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Your dream of athletic stardom will come true this month when you are promoted to skate deodorizer for the Stars End Spacers.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Eventually the Red Dragon Inn will uproot itself and take revenge on all those who have done it injustice in the past decade. That includes paying you back for that tequila night when you missed the trash can.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Avoid confrontation in the office this month by chaining all your coworkers up in your basement and reinforcing your walls with lead.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

While the stars acknowledge that everyone has the right to act like an idiot from time to time, they urge you not to abuse the privilege so regularly.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Despite your painstaking efforts at keeping your daughter's language clean, she will learn everything you don't want her to know within five minutes at the Outback.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

The cosmos would like to reach a compromise with you this month. If you stop capturing and shaving creatures of the animal kingdom, it will stop inducing pronounced shrinkage.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You don't act old. Just youthfully challenged.





And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-03-31 01:46 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

April 2011 March 31, 2011

Aries March 21 - April 19

The tragic events of tomorrow will teach you that there really aren't any good pranks that can be pulled using tubes of Ebola.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

There are certain people that you will meet in your life who aren't homicidal and sadistic and who don't enjoy juggling chainsaws. Unfortunately you will not meet any such people this month.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You will be a legacy to one of 50 Cent's most popular songs this month' Granted, you won't quite manage to fulfill the "Get Rich" part of the title.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You can rest assured that the pet fruit fly you will purchase tomorrow will vastly and happily outlive you.

Leo July 23 - August 22

When your friends told you there was no downside to quitting drinking, they probably couldn't predict that you would dehydrate to death in the process.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

As it turns out, when you learned later in life that making obnoxious faces won't cause them to stay that way, you really weren't taking into account the effects of rigor mortis.

Libra September 23 - October 23

You'll discover too late this month that there are two kinds of people in RhyDin: You, and those who won't be trampled to death by blood-covered Tribbles.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

You'll find out this month that mixing up h's and p's was more of a problem than you thought - especially when you think that lovely Drow you've had a crush on explains that if you do not move, she will "spank" you.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Everything you attempt this month will work out excellently' with the exception of hand gliding over a pit of ravenous volcano serpents.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You will be savagely beaten to death by RhyDinians this month when you attempt to promote some kind of moral values in current society.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Whoever said that adult films are harmless certainly didn't take into account VCR/anatomical compatibility issues that will inevitably lead to your demise.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You will fail to heed your dragon wrestling instructor's advice for the eighth and final time this month.





And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-05-01 15:46 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

May 2011 May 1, 2011

Taurus April 20 - May 20

After waking up to the sight of a nauseatingly naked person in your bed after Beltane, you will finally reconsider having that ceiling mirror taken down.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You will trigger a catastrophic mass suicide this month when you comment that the dawn of movies in RhyDin means that reality television is not far behind.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

While Cancer is pleased that you are so determined to find the love of your life, you should know that after attempt number thirty-six it's getting pretty hard to watch.

Leo July 23 - August 22

The stars would like to remind you that the first step to feeling better after a major life setback is picking up the pieces and moving on. So collect the last of your brother's dismembered limbs, and devote your attention to a new science experiment.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

You will face a sexual assault class action suit by all of RhyDin this month after personally promoting your "hands-on" gubernatorial platform.

Libra September 23 - October 23

The cosmos would like to inform you that if you really want your horoscope this month, you can find it waiting for you in the bedroom with a bottle of wine.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

While getting mobbed by paparazzi this month is definitely an excellent sign of your skyrocketing stardom, after the prints come out you will immediately regret having gone streaking on such a cold night.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You will be forced to go back into cryogenic state this month after you awake and learn that Matt Simon still isn't governor again.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If you're meant to drown, you're not going to hang. Or in your case, burned to death by a horrible bonfire-lighting ceremony gone terribly awry.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

While it will be rather nerve-wracking to finally let your children be free to live their own lives, sooner or later you're going to have to let them out of their cages.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

While the powers that be applaud your determination to socialize outside of your circle, inviting a group of cannibals over for a game of strip poker probably might not have been the best idea.

Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars must regrettably inform you that while you pride yourself on being able to adapt admirably to just about any situation, chances are you won't be able to grow wings before you hit the bottom of the canyon.





And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-06-01 14:16 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

June 2011 June 1, 2011

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Expect long, awkward silences and injury in your future this month when you mistake outright violence for blatant sexual tension.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

While your new uniform might breathe wonderfully during so hot a season, an inevitable and bloody mishap will teach you next time to kill your coat before you wear it.

Leo July 23 - August 22

You will resolve to never again carry a pen or approach a bulletin board under the influence this week after a publicized traumatizing physical encounter with a hot, sweaty, and partially clothed old man.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Perhaps the upcoming unfortunate incident on Baby Boil night at the Red Dragon Inn will teach you once and for all not to bring your damn kids to bars.

Libra September 23 - October 23

You will receive frightening news regarding government in RhyDin today " namely that it doesn't exist.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Your race has nothing to do with the lack of service you receive at taverns. Absolutely everything else about you, however, does.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You will be stabbed brutally by your girlfriend and shunned by everyone you love after taking relationship advice from a gossip column this month.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You will face heartbreak and disappointment when you fail your Test of Worthiness for the eighth time this month, never having stepped into a dueling ring in your life.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You will be positively put in stitches in more ways than one by your significant other this month. It is too bad the laughter and euphoria will wear off once the blood loss becomes irreversible.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Much to your surprise, you will learn that it takes much more than emus, pancake batter, and lots and lots of vodka to scandalize the Outback.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Bon Jovi's lyrics will take on new meaning for you after you wake up from aortic reconstruction surgery to learn that your wife and your gun is missing.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Though you may tout your new "intimate partner? as being the best thing that ever happened to you, the stars wish you would fall in love with something that breathes for once.



And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-07-01 02:30 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

July 2011 July 1, 2011

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You will find peace and relief this month when you find that the habitual torrent of explosives your ex-girlfriend sets off are, for once, not aimed at you.

Leo July 23 - August 22

A fraction of the RhyDin populace will be elated this week when they learn that, despite the economic inflation currently plaguing the city, the price on your head has mercifully not changed.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Learn to express yourself in different ways this month. Use your favorite guns to describe the philosophical concepts you are most passionate about.

Libra September 23 - October 23

While it is true that unavoidable accidents happen in the sport, killing a man with a hockey stick is only excusable when you're actually on a team.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

While the stars acknowledge that emotionally walling yourself off from those you love is one way to go, they think it might have been a smart idea to factor in doors and air holes.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

At the very least, those three hundred dollar an hour sessions at the Plaza de Troyes should help you overcome your mortal fear of psychiatrists.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Though drive-by shootings remain pretty hateful crimes, you can at least console yourself with the fact that that building was in need of a serious makeover anyway.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

"Brute of the Week" will take on a whole new meaning for you when you visit the only all-male strip club in RhyDin.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You will suffer heartbreak and disappointment this week when you find out that your multiple personalities are not nearly numerous enough to form your own team for dueling.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Though for as long as you can remember you've been faithfully celebrating it once a year, you will be downcast this month when the Governor's Advisory Council rejects your suggestion for a RhyDin national Shower Day.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

You'll go to any length to get your missing wife back, which is a good thing because those sewer drainage pipes can really stretch for miles.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

While the stars assure you that it is fine and well for you to always insist on speaking loudly enough to be heard, they wish you wouldn't exercise that privilege when you are only speaking to yourself.

And remember, RhyDin. Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-09-05 15:29 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

September 2011 September 5, 2011

Virgo August 23 - September 22

The stars must begrudgingly inform you that your doodle of a Power Ranger on a bar napkin hardly justifies the copyright infringement lawsuit you are currently organizing against armored vigilantes in RhyDin.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Your friends will finally appreciate your irrational fear of being crushed to death when the Cow Catapulting Competition one town over, due to some inaccurate calibrations, goes horribly wrong.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Your cruel laughter at the expense of the parade of freaks in RhyDin will be treated with animosity and resentment when you learn that the carnival attractions won't be arriving until Friday.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

On behalf of the Black Cat Yoga and Dance Studio, the stars would like to politely reject your fortieth consecutive application to be a leotard inspector.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You can at least think of the massive blood loss you will sustain this week as a result of visiting the Red Dragon Inn as a jumpstart on your new diet regime.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Your flying dreams will be taken to new heights when your wife becomes fed up with your poor grooming habits and pushes your cot off the balcony.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

As it turns out, the stars would be infinitely more forgiving of your brazen campaigning attempts for a Dris Appreciation Day if you even knew who that was.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Though your daring attempt at time travel will backfire enormously this month, condemning you to spend the rest of your life in a foreign alternate dimension, you will at least take familiar comfort in the fact that the parallel love of your life still rejects you.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

The stars regret to inform you that having a baby may not solve the problems of a messy relationship that hinged on one to begin with.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

While it is true that the celebrity zombie invasion of 2011 will cost you your life, you can at least die content with the knowledge that Pamela Anderson was, as you suspected, not a real vegan.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

It's not that you have a habit of admiring women that is the problem. It's that those women are usually imprisoned behind titanium bars and glass enclosures.

Leo July 23 - August 22

The bad news: Having your birthday party in a dueling venue was bound to involve blood of some kind getting onto your cake. The good news: You could have done a lot worse than Hep B.

And remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars, as long as you can see them!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2012-01-01 16:02 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Womanwithcrossedarmsuid1180763.jpg Staff Astrologist: Ami Duarf

January 2012 January 1, 2012

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If you are celebrating your birthday this week, be sure to reward yourself with a delicious rope of No-Cat Holiday Sausage". No-Cat. Keeping cats out of your sausage for most of the year since 1991.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You will wake up from your champagne- and ethanol-induced coma today with no memory of where you are or why a hot pink minotaur is in your bed.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You will face serious jail time following your fruitless endeavor to manufacture "I Love Taneth' sweater knockoffs.

Aries March 21 - April 19

Signs in the cosmos indicate that you are due for a long and happy life, but then those signs have also been out of order for several weeks now.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Mass panic and rioting will ensue once you announce that the Post column letters are not in fact being received, but rather being automatically transported to an alternate dimension and being used in fireplaces.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

RhyDin's all-time overpopulation record will finally be explained following published results of makeout paranoia, brought on by local water intoxication.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Santa's abrupt death will come as no great shock to RhyDin children everywhere, as most of their parents had filed sexual harassment lawsuits against him previously.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Corlanthis Wystansayr's below-the-belt phenomenon will continue to marvel women and scientists everywhere this week, and much to their disappointment will spearhead the 2012 Leave Our Pants Alone movement for RhyDin men.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

While tragic, you can at least take comfort in the fact that your non-responsive brain scan and ensuing permanent vegetative state will be a pleasant change from your usual demeanor.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Budgetary cutbacks have forced the stars to do away with Libra's horoscope for the time being. Your future happiness will be on hold until further notice.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

While your personal magnetism as a Scorpio is typically lauded, RhyDin Watchmembers wish you wouldn't have waltzed through the RhyDin Treasury and Silver Storage.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

The stars insist that you should never be ashamed of who you are. Unless, of course, your name is Richard and you work in the marketing department.

And always remember, RhyDin! Keep an eye on the stars as long as you can see them!