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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
This Vampire Eats Doughnuts: Your Argument is Invalid October 6, 2010
*According to a singular study done by obscure and shady scientists from RhyDin's underbelly, there may be a cure in the works for being human.
Following the publication by the RhyDin Post of an interview with Darkmere Alcar, almost-graduates from WestEnd High began studiously researching the possibility of utilizing Alcar's innovative conception called "willpower" to cure a biological bodily condition.
"He's obviously got a lot of experience with this, what with him being over ten bajillion years old," said Glunk Gorpor, research team leader. "Plus he's a king, and as we all know all government leaders are incapable of making mistakes."
Added Gorpor: "Over twenty-five hundred. Over ten bajillion. Close enough."
"I taught myself to eat food for the nourishment my body needs," argued Alcar in the recent one-on-one interview. "As opposed to drinking blood."
By extension, Gorpor's group has begun to formulate a theory that any inherent physiological condition or disability may be overcome with mere self-teaching. It is currently in its testing stages.
"I was born blind, so I applied for clinical trials that involved releasing patients into real scenarios in live traffic," explained Trey Freemont as he was wheeled away into an ambulance.
Defended Gorpor: "We're still working on the 'teaching' method. Some people are auditory learners, some are kinesthetic, and others are visu" yeah."
Though clinical trials began just this week, Gorpor's group has already, in fact, had more than one success story that initially led the research team to focus on creating a cure for humanity.
"So we had this big lumpy troll-looking woman come in claiming that she was tired of being human," explained Gorpor. "At first I was all, 'Hey, lady. You look like a troll to me.' But she insisted that she was human. And I don't know" I guess even though she didn't look a thing like a human and didn't have any obvious human mannerisms, there was still a possibility that she was human. We decided to teach her to favor troll cuisine, and within one day, she was cured of her humanity. It was a real miracle story."
"Look," said the patient, who shall remain anonymous. "Just because I looked like a troll and ate like a troll, it didn't mean I was not a human. But it's all good now, because they taught me to be a troll, so I can kiss that humanity goodbye."
Added the patient later: "But seriously. I really was human."
After facing a string of deaths related to malnutrition and freak accidents, Gorpor's group is currently down on patients for clinical trials and is looking for volunteers.
"You think you can't change who you are willfully' Think again. The Gorpor Group is looking to help you. Tired of being bald" Sick of being elven" Prefer to be poultry' If you think like a chicken, eat like a chicken, and behave like a chicken, you can become one! Care to find out how? Visit the Gorpor Group in West End today!"
In possibly related news, Alcar's interview has motivated the RhyDin Fresh Fruit Company and Dwarven Doughnuts to begin marketing their products toward vampires.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
This Vampire Eats Doughnuts: Your Argument is Invalid October 6, 2010
*According to a singular study done by obscure and shady scientists from RhyDin's underbelly, there may be a cure in the works for being human.
Following the publication by the RhyDin Post of an interview with Darkmere Alcar, almost-graduates from WestEnd High began studiously researching the possibility of utilizing Alcar's innovative conception called "willpower" to cure a biological bodily condition.
"He's obviously got a lot of experience with this, what with him being over ten bajillion years old," said Glunk Gorpor, research team leader. "Plus he's a king, and as we all know all government leaders are incapable of making mistakes."
Added Gorpor: "Over twenty-five hundred. Over ten bajillion. Close enough."
"I taught myself to eat food for the nourishment my body needs," argued Alcar in the recent one-on-one interview. "As opposed to drinking blood."
By extension, Gorpor's group has begun to formulate a theory that any inherent physiological condition or disability may be overcome with mere self-teaching. It is currently in its testing stages.
"I was born blind, so I applied for clinical trials that involved releasing patients into real scenarios in live traffic," explained Trey Freemont as he was wheeled away into an ambulance.
Defended Gorpor: "We're still working on the 'teaching' method. Some people are auditory learners, some are kinesthetic, and others are visu" yeah."
Though clinical trials began just this week, Gorpor's group has already, in fact, had more than one success story that initially led the research team to focus on creating a cure for humanity.
"So we had this big lumpy troll-looking woman come in claiming that she was tired of being human," explained Gorpor. "At first I was all, 'Hey, lady. You look like a troll to me.' But she insisted that she was human. And I don't know" I guess even though she didn't look a thing like a human and didn't have any obvious human mannerisms, there was still a possibility that she was human. We decided to teach her to favor troll cuisine, and within one day, she was cured of her humanity. It was a real miracle story."
"Look," said the patient, who shall remain anonymous. "Just because I looked like a troll and ate like a troll, it didn't mean I was not a human. But it's all good now, because they taught me to be a troll, so I can kiss that humanity goodbye."
Added the patient later: "But seriously. I really was human."
After facing a string of deaths related to malnutrition and freak accidents, Gorpor's group is currently down on patients for clinical trials and is looking for volunteers.
"You think you can't change who you are willfully' Think again. The Gorpor Group is looking to help you. Tired of being bald" Sick of being elven" Prefer to be poultry' If you think like a chicken, eat like a chicken, and behave like a chicken, you can become one! Care to find out how? Visit the Gorpor Group in West End today!"
In possibly related news, Alcar's interview has motivated the RhyDin Fresh Fruit Company and Dwarven Doughnuts to begin marketing their products toward vampires.
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.