Topic: This Vampire Eats Doughnuts: Your Argument is Invalid

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-10-06 14:40 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/Smilingwomanwithcrossedarmsuid11-1.jpg Amelia Enderwood: Satirist

This Vampire Eats Doughnuts: Your Argument is Invalid October 6, 2010

*According to a singular study done by obscure and shady scientists from RhyDin's underbelly, there may be a cure in the works for being human.

Following the publication by the RhyDin Post of an interview with Darkmere Alcar, almost-graduates from WestEnd High began studiously researching the possibility of utilizing Alcar's innovative conception called "willpower" to cure a biological bodily condition.

"He's obviously got a lot of experience with this, what with him being over ten bajillion years old," said Glunk Gorpor, research team leader. "Plus he's a king, and as we all know all government leaders are incapable of making mistakes."

Added Gorpor: "Over twenty-five hundred. Over ten bajillion. Close enough."

"I taught myself to eat food for the nourishment my body needs," argued Alcar in the recent one-on-one interview. "As opposed to drinking blood."

By extension, Gorpor's group has begun to formulate a theory that any inherent physiological condition or disability may be overcome with mere self-teaching. It is currently in its testing stages.

"I was born blind, so I applied for clinical trials that involved releasing patients into real scenarios in live traffic," explained Trey Freemont as he was wheeled away into an ambulance.

Defended Gorpor: "We're still working on the 'teaching' method. Some people are auditory learners, some are kinesthetic, and others are visu" yeah."

Though clinical trials began just this week, Gorpor's group has already, in fact, had more than one success story that initially led the research team to focus on creating a cure for humanity.

"So we had this big lumpy troll-looking woman come in claiming that she was tired of being human," explained Gorpor. "At first I was all, 'Hey, lady. You look like a troll to me.' But she insisted that she was human. And I don't know" I guess even though she didn't look a thing like a human and didn't have any obvious human mannerisms, there was still a possibility that she was human. We decided to teach her to favor troll cuisine, and within one day, she was cured of her humanity. It was a real miracle story."

"Look," said the patient, who shall remain anonymous. "Just because I looked like a troll and ate like a troll, it didn't mean I was not a human. But it's all good now, because they taught me to be a troll, so I can kiss that humanity goodbye."

Added the patient later: "But seriously. I really was human."

After facing a string of deaths related to malnutrition and freak accidents, Gorpor's group is currently down on patients for clinical trials and is looking for volunteers.

"You think you can't change who you are willfully' Think again. The Gorpor Group is looking to help you. Tired of being bald" Sick of being elven" Prefer to be poultry' If you think like a chicken, eat like a chicken, and behave like a chicken, you can become one! Care to find out how? Visit the Gorpor Group in West End today!"

In possibly related news, Alcar's interview has motivated the RhyDin Fresh Fruit Company and Dwarven Doughnuts to begin marketing their products toward vampires.



*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.

Darien Fenner

Date: 2010-10-06 14:59 EST
The original interview with Alcar was published on the RhyDin Post website, October 4.

Interviewer: Name"

Alcar: Darkmere Alcar.

Interviewer: Mr. Alcar; what is it you do for a living"

Alcar: If you must know, I am the king of Nosgoth. Where I currently live.

Interviewer: Oh, a king" Where is Nosgoth in relation to RhyDin"

Alcar: Another realm that is only reachable by my permission.

Interviewer: And how many underlings do you rule over, King"

Alcar: I do not see them as underlings. I am not that full of myself to see the people I rule over as lesser beings. To answer your question, about four times the amount of people in this town.

Interviewer: Then why do you come to RhyDin so often, Mr. Alcar, if you have such engrossing responsibilities at home"

Alcar: I have a few friends in this town that I try to keep a check up on.

Interviewer: "Keep a check on?" That sounds more like monitoring than friendly concern.

Alcar: Perhaps to you, but I answered the question. Do move along to the next one.

Interviewer: Are the customs in Nosgoth very different from RhyDin's"

Alcar: Very different. Where this town has little to no law and order, Nosgoth has both, as well as competent soldiers to keep the peace.

Interviewer: What kind of changes do you notice in RhyDin on, say, a more personal level"

Alcar: Nothing has changed in this town ever since I first started coming here. People are still mostly out for themselves in this town.

Interviewer: You mentioned competent soldiery. Do you disagree with the hands-off policy RhyDin's government has been exacting since day one"

Alcar: The so called Watch that this town has always had, has never been able to protect the people in this town. Therefore the lack of effort from the so-called law will never be able to stop the crimes that happen in this town. But to answer your question: Yes I do disagree with their lack of an effort.

Interviewer: What would you do differently"

Alcar: First off I would get people that knew how to find criminals and hire them to bring them in to pay for their crimes.

Interviewer: Big words coming from someone notoriously belligerent.

Alcar: I am blunt with people due to them being rather moronic around me.

Interviewer: I suppose I'll be blunt about the next question, King. Do you find that other people are afraid of you?

Alcar: I have noticed that some here tend to be scared of me. For what ever reason it is, I really do not care.

Interviewer: Well they do, King. For someone who claims not to act superiorly toward his own people, you're very quick to judge the RhyDin people.

Alcar: Years of watching has taught me how most of the people are in this town. Just about everyone are just as quick to give someone the cold shoulder here, just because they refuse to kiss someone else's <CENSORED>.

Interviewer: Based on particular observations, it has been made apparent that you follow a particular lifestyle. Would you tell me about it"

Alcar: If you must know. Away from here I am a family man, that takes care of my family by any means. As well as being a fair and just ruler to my people and those I am allied with.

Interviewer: Does your family eat the same thing you do, King"

Alcar: Yes they do, but not in the way you think. For you see....I taught myself to eat food for the nourishment my body needs. Seeing how you were betting that my family and me go around drinking the blood of others.

Interviewer: You taught yourself, biologically, to eat other things" So let me get this straight. I could theoretically teach myself to, I don't know, start treating carbs like protein"

Alcar: Yes you simple minded man. I taught myself to eat food opposed to drinking blood. - Scoff. -

Interviewer: Really. Your body's physical cravings were overcome with mere will"

Alcar: - Growl. - Yes.

Interviewer: And when did you "teach" yourself, and make the transition to a more human way of sustenance"

Alcar: A time ago.

Interviewer: Humor me. How long"

Alcar: About 2,500 years ago.

Interviewer: And before that, given the traditional lifestyle, did you ever take any lives"

Alcar: Yes. In my past I have killed my fair share of people.

Interviewer: Did you ever feel any remorse"

Alcar: At the time....No I did not. But as I grew older and wiser....Yes.

Interviewer: Now forgive me for being a little tactless, but I was under the impression that people with your kind of condition were sterile. Am I incorrect"

Alcar: If you mean because I am of vampiric origin....I am only part vampire. On to the question. It all depends on where a vampire is from. Where in my realm, I am able to have children - which I have four of, by the way - whereas others are not able to. So in the end it depends on where a vampire is from.

Interviewer: What advice would you give to the other vampires wandering this realm who still glut themselves on human blood"

Alcar: What they do is of little concern to me, for as long as they leave me and my family alone. They could kill whoever they want, as what they do is of no concern of mine.

Interviewer: Just one more question then, King. If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be?

Alcar: Not a thing. For wishing to change something about oneself shows that you care what the fickle minded masses think about yourself. Either people like you for who you are, or they do not. No point in wanting to change yourself to make people happy.