Topic: Top 25 Sexiest Women in RhyDin 2011!

Darien Fenner

Date: 2011-12-23 16:03 EST
http://i738.photobucket.com/albums/xx21/dfenner_photo/521311356_3ef416f175-1.jpg Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane

Top 25 Sexiest Women in RhyDin 2011!! December 23, 2011

Do not judge me for being late with our list this year, RhyDin. You cannot rush perfection. You also cannot rush the maddening process of sifting through illegal pictures - I mean....completely legal information that we just so happened upon - of hundreds of candidates for our Top 25 list this year. There was so much sexy, RhyDin. If I weren't so utterly sexy myself and therefore equipped with a modified resistance against sexiness, I just might have been overwhelmed by the sexy. But before we get into the sexy analysis of sexiness, I simply must say something to RhyDin women. Ladies, you are all sexy (well, except for those of you who aren't). And though you may not have made the list this year, let it be known that the sex never lacks on your end. Could we have included all of you, we would have.

As it is, I have delayed long enough already. Let the sexy begin!

25. Yasmin Yasmin makes it onto our list not only because she's a pretty, bursting bubbly ball of fun, but also because for the past couple of events she and the rest of the Bristle Crios clan have thrown themselves (at their own risk) completely into community events. And you know me, RhyDin. There is nothing I like more than a good party (except maybe a good party with extra babes and boobs " I mean booze). What was I saying" Oh yes. From what I hear she and the rest of her crowd are very amiable folk, though having the potential to be exclusive. Then again, we've only seen very little of them so we can't speak from an educated standpoint. Still " if all of them are like Yasmin, you better believe we'll be keeping an eye on that crowd!

24. Lenuta RhyDin, RhyDin, RhyDin. Now you know that I have always been a sucker for a little mystery in a gal, but this porcelain-skinned goddess with a doll's physique and ruby red lips astounds even me. What little we know about Lenuta only has to do with her connections to wine connoisseur Julian Marx " and that is little. But having met her, spoken to her, and observed her in her now-and-again appearances, we can safely say that this knockout is the quintessence of elegance and grace. As such, we feel obligated not only to include her on our Top 25 list, but also berate her man Julian for hogging her all to himself. Share the wealth, man. Share the wealth.

23. Rhiannon Brock Hey. Hey. Don't judge us. As long as she's eighteen, Rhiannon is fair game. Like several members of her family, this Rhiannon (not to be confused with another Rhiannon. Actually, we think there are two but at this point we have given up trying to figure out what?s going on there) has that toxically mischievous disposition that runs in her family and makes her an all-around fun person to be around. And best of all, this member of the Brock-slash-Macleod-slash-whatever clan hasn't been corrupted by pirates or worse things. However, because mentioning how she looks or any further sex appeal weirds us out a little (and frankly makes us fear for our lives), we'll simply leave it at this: We look forward to seeing this one's love life progress.

22. Candy Hart To tell you the truth, we're a little bit afraid to include Candy on our list this year. But while we're sure she watches the Post sports program, we're fairly sure she isn't the type to read into gossip rags. So I tell you what, RhyDin: Feel free to mention it to her that important people (i.e., us) think she's fabulous and fun and feisty, but whatever you do don't let it get back to me. I like my spleen. It is a nice organ. We are good friends, my spleen and I. And I like it where it is and not floating in squished pieces inside my body after a brutal beat-down. Kisses, Candy!

21. Jackie We never thought we'd fall for a cowgirl, but this girl is the most Western thang since Jake Duncan breezed his cattle-wranglin" self on into the Red Dragon. As you might expect, this sun-tanned blonde beauty sure ain't no southern belle (and at this point I've exhausted my knowledge of cowboy-speak, so I shall proceed like a normal human being). Aside from this gal being a little rough around the edges (what RhyDinian isn't"), she has one hi-larious sense of humor and a charmingly gritty zest for life that makes us want to roll around in the mud and wrestle calves along with her. If that's what you people tend to do. I don't know. I grew up in the Bronx, and the closest thing to a cowgirl I knew was from one of those themed restaurants where they wear bandanas on their boobs. Say, Jackie. Got any bandanas"

20. Rayva It is the story of my life, folks. Actually, it's the story of RhyDin. A unique, fabulously looking drow-ish babe comes along who ooooozes sex (but not the freaky kind), and BAM. Preggers before her morning coffee. Now" We don't know if secret skeletons Rayva knew this Cael before RhyDin, but if not' DAYUM that chick's living her life in fast-forward mode. But I said I would, and preggers or not, one could not " cannot " deny that there is something inherently lust-worthy leaking out of Rayva's dark pores; so much so that any time she and her man Cael are seen together they're usually doing naughty things behind a booth curtain (seriously. Way to be subtle). Still, it has been argued that Rayva was and still is sexy enough to warrant a spot on our list. And you know what? In the spirit of the holidays we'll even embrace the addition of yet another kid in RhyDin " however utterly bizarre its genetic combination will likely be.

19. Sarah Matthews As we're sure you know, this particular Sarah has been on and off our watch lists for all sorts of reasons " mostly because it depends on how I'm feeling that day. But you know what? After serious speculation with several of male colleagues, we have decided that Sarah is indeed one sexy little minx. While at first blush her personality seemed generic to us and not much to pay attention to, it occurred to us on observing her a little closer that this woman is always at the dueling venues. Seriously. All. The. Time. Almost every single day. You know what that means" This chick doesn't faint at the sight of blood, and in fact seems to enjoy punching or hexing or stabbing or whatever enough to frequent these places so often it's almost pathological. And who knows" Maybe it is. But for our sakes and purposes we're happy to acknowledge that feral side of Sarah as the beast in her she's keeping securely behind bars. And we're willing to bet that once she breaks those bars, she will truly become one with the Hotness (like the Force, only hotter). We're already pretty certain she's a fireball in bed; the quiet ones always are. So let go of your inner demons, Sarah. SET THE BEAST FREE!

18. Kazzy Hart It is no coincidence that this past October we harnessed the help of a one Kazzy Hart in throwing together our Color Your City-and-paint-your-private-parts shindig (unofficial title). It is also no coincidence that Kazzy makes it onto our list yet again this year. It's not us playing favorites, RhyDin. Kazzy is just too hilariously enthusiastic a personality not to fall utterly head-over-heels in love with from the very beginning. Her slapstick style of living is always moving forward and utterly contagious. With that girl virtually everything is unexpected. Take her wardrobe, for example; every night we are not sure whether to anticipate roller skates, a mud membrane, or surprisingly fashion-forward threads. Let's face it, RhyDin. Kazzy is just fun and we utterly love her to death. Long live the misguided genius!

17. Seirichi What can I say' I love a woman who can toss about an entire man's body weight as if she were simply juggling racy and lacy undergarments (it's my metaphor, not yours. Don't judge). From what we've seen Seiri has a tendency not to get the greatest reception most places " most notably in the dueling scene. And while I will admit that seeing her brutally bruise and bleed a man for his jewels (har har, dueling double entendre) can be slightly intimidating, I should think that her mouthwatering hotness more than makes up for the rhymes-with-itch factor. I mean seriously. For as prevalent as that factor is, I am willing to bet a happy sum of people here have fantasized about knocking boobs with Seirichi. I mean boots. No, wait, I mean boobs. Besides, I think it's better that the women we (and I don't just mean me) are usually attracted to the most aren't all vying for world peace and call themselves Princess Patticake. The hotness is in the rough-and-tumble danger factor. Which brings us to Number 16.

16. Gigi Granger I don't call her love of my life for nothing. If you'll recall, last year Triple-G landed herself the eighteenth slot on the list of Top 25 Sexiest. You'll also recall how much this disappointed me, as my personal vote had her upwards of the first or second slot, but alas this list is something of a group endeavor and so I was forced to resign her to number eighteen. Fortunately this year I was smart enough to have the main voice of dissent fired, and after that virtually everyone sort of fell into place and permitted me to boost her rank (at least a little). Oh, Gigi, how do I love thee" Let me count the ways. From day one this bronze-skinned babe has been nothing but coarse to both friends and foes, with a glare paralyzing enough to make you wonder if that knife she always carries around to cut into her apples isn't better suited for cutting through flesh. Though having been in RhyDin for over a year now, rumor still is that love of my life Gigi doesn't seem to have any loves of her own " or if she does, she doesn't let them get close without putting up some serious fiery defenses. Like the human torch. Gigi Granger is my own personal human torch (only without the flaming man junk). And third-degree burns or no, mark my words one day my romantic dream of feeling her up and then running away for dear life will come true.

15. Yeardley Why is it whenever I hear Yeardley's name, I think of that one song by The Champs" You know. The one with deep meaningful lyrics. How does it go' Dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun" Tequila! Do I have to say it' I have to say it. Of Harper and Yeardley, Yeardley is the manlier of the two " although only insomuch as she acts like a man "what, with the belching and the perverted sense of humor (what? I didn't claim to be perfect). So why is she on our Top 25 Sexiest list, you ask" Because she smiles so dern pretty! Actually she's pretty much got a body to die for, and for her slightly mannish personality she can be surprisingly attractive when she wants to be. Plus Yeardley from what we've seen is a very down-to-earth person, and in our opinion worth being wined and dined (but not in a sleazy way. Well. Maybe in a sleazy way, but the good kind of sleazy). And if not' Well" she's good to have as that friend who you call when you need to hide a body.

14. Harper Where there is one, there must be another. Harper (known mistakenly by some as Annie) is one steaming saucepot of sass that we honestly wouldn't mind doing some cooking with. Naked cooking, that is. And though she may have a mop of fair hair on her head, that babe is anything but blonde in the stereotypical sense of the word. When Harper isn't making trouble with partner in crime Yeardley (or really anyone else she decides to team up with that day) she's been known to hang around the Inn dishing out slightly misguided advice. Frankly we're convinced she does it just to be a bit of a devil's advocate, and that's completely fine with us. Here's hoping Jochin " the guy she's been seen with recently " doesn't mind things getting hellishly hot. I wouldn't.

13. Katt Rhysata For a while now Katt of the BonBon Clan has been climbing up the RhyDin social ladder and into our hearts, and not necessarily because she gives us free pastries on a regular basis. From her initial appearance here in RhyDin, Katt has gone from being in and out of social circles to being an overall comfortable presence in the Red Dragon Inn. And why shouldn't she be? Katt's cheery, sunlit demeanor brings pleasant relief to an otherwise gloomy hole of death and doom (most days, anyway. Sorry, Panth). And let's face it " the girl certainly has some serious tenacity to be able to open her own bakery (all by herself, mind you) and make " and keep " as many friends as she seems to have. From what we hear Katt of the BonBon Clan has been spotted around RhyDin in cahoots with some guy named Sergei, and though things don't appear to be terribly serious I have high hopes for K-B-B-C. And tendency to be a bullet magnet aside, she's one sweet, sexy catch and more than worthy of our Number 13 slot.

12. Audrey Horne I don't know who we have to thank for getting our Candycane back (maybe Magenta, maybe me. Most likely me), but let's just say I'm glad she has returned to us. For a while there this classic beauty of a woman seemed to be lost in her own little world of doom and gloom, but it seems as though ever since she started getting it on with now-bride/groom Magenta (you all were thinking it " I just said it), she has definitely got her spunk back. We bet you're wondering about now where her nickname came from. To tell you the truth we can't even remember, but it probably has something to do with her refreshing peppermint personality and the pearly white luster of her skin (that I could imagine painting with all sorts of edible goodness, but I'll leave that to Mags). In short, Candycane Auds seems to have left behind her world of doom and gloom and perverted animal friends in favor of something a little sleeker and sexier, which is fine by us. And that also brings us to Number 11.

12. Magenta Oh, yes, you better believe Married Mags makes our mouths moisten. And since I am out of attractive words that begin with "m," I will simply go on about how we find Magenta attractive. It's no big shock that we at the Post (and many, many other people in RhyDin for that matter) find Married Mags sexy. Puh-lease. That babe has the body of an angel or a goddess and the naughty, naughty persona of a siren. It is no wonder she attracted our Candycane so thoroughly. Now, where the shock for us is how she seems to have changed since she and Auds tied the knot. Married Mags has gone from that intelligent, wicked presence to someone far more grounded. And while we're not sure how we feel about that change, as long as she's happy we'll be on her side for now. Oh, and a belated congrats on the wedding!

10. Lelah Rivka It's a little hard not to be in love with a movie star, let alone RhyDin's premier local film director. And though this gorgeous brunette to use has a tendency to keep people at arm's length " honestly it doesn't surprise us, as we've heard she has more than a few skeletons in her closet " we think whatever it takes to scale the walls around this one's heart is well worth the effort. For a while local starlet Lelah seemed to be be-bopping around RhyDin sampling local manflesh, but now she seems to have settled rather happily on Supreme Highlord of All Gossip Fodder Daniel Tej. And you know what? We wish them the best of luck. She is, after all, one hot piece of tail that we wouldn't mind sinking our teeth into. But she's more than that. Lelah is bold, brainy, and busty " a winning combination in the criticism-saturated career niche she's climbed into. And no one in RhyDin is safe from criticism. Do you hear me, folks" NO ONE!

9. Mataya DeLuca Mataya DeLuca, we cry-a t"view ya. What' Don't look at me like that, RhyDin. I'm a columnist, not a dang poet. Although if I were, it really wouldn't be that hard to get a glimpse of this babe and write a couple sonnets about her (and in doing so, present them to her in the high hopes of getting into her pants). This woman has all the class and grace of one of those Shakespearean actresses, but with none of whatever it is those broads tend to have stuck up you-know-where. See, while Mataya is generally a well-mannered lady, her demeanor has the ability to turn a 180 when she spends time with ex-not-ex husband Max, or friends like Riley, Lelah, or Duci. We're talking a huge 180. Like get drunk and stand on the table while simultaneously pulling your bra out your sleeve with one hand kind of 180 " especially at parties. And it is that wildness that we find absolutely alluring. But now that we're talking about it, that reminds us" Hey Mataya. Want to come to our next party"

8. Issuelt DeRomano Oh god. I want them all. All of the Scathachian Sisters. I want them all! Why can't I have them all on this list' I'll tell you why. Because there are simply too many words to fit into one measly column to express how much we like those women. And though, like proud parents, we could never choose our favorite child" Issy is totally our favorite. It's unfortunate that she always hides behind hyper-masculine clothing, because truthfully Issy's sex appeal is positively bursting at those seams. With an athletically attractive body that looks utterly mouthwatering in a dress (you better believe I still have photographic documentation of such an event) and a stunning, dynamic personality, we are so totally head over heels for Issy we don't know where to begin. Actually' We think we already did. Moving on!

7. Madison In the past we at the Post have taken special note of Madison on account of her looks, but oh, my dear readers, I must inform you now that in lusting over her smoky eyes or exotic features (oh, so much lust) we have only just begun to scratch the surface of what makes a Madison. Though her love life has recently been a bit of a mystery and most nights she generally keeps to herself, after one or two interactions with Madison her razor-sharp wit and good-natured shrewdness becomes more than apparent. No doubt experience as a bar owner at Charlie's (a place we've heard is somewhere between the Docks and central RhyDin. We haven't had the fortune to visit yet, but will!) has taught her not to take any guff from anyone " least of all smooth-talking would-be suitors with only one thing on their minds. Don't let that deter you from introducing yourself, though! You might just become one of those lucky ones that manage to keep a place on her radar!

6. Zahra Khoury For all the hundreds upon thousands of worlds, realms, and dimensions RhyDinians can come from, I still always find the most exotic women to be the ones who are Egyptian in appearance (a country from my native Earth). Maybe it is just because I am biased (biased" Me"), but that sun-kissed, olive-eyed look is simply striking in the unconventional sense. And let's face it: those features on Zahra are not only vibrant, but stunning. Add that to the woman's energetic, albeit mischievous personality (and the fact that her aim with a paint gun is scarily accurate), and she easily makes it onto our list. Last we heard this rare flower was making appearances with Bashir, but my sources tell me the two of them have only been making the very infrequent visit to the Red Dragon. Naturally, that leads me to one of two conclusions: One, they are either plotting devilishly disastrous deeds; or two (and the far more likely choice), they haven't left their bedroom in weeks. Bow-chicka.

5. Wyheree Ravenlock RhyDin, RhyDin. You know we weren't about to leave a classy lady like Wyheree off our Sexiest list, don't you? Though it's been a very long time since we've seen her around the Inn, you'll be happy to know that anything but cold ice queen Wyh has been making her perpetual mark on the duels; and if anyone can make calling a bloody battle - filled with blood and bruising and more blood " it's Wyh. Ridiculous, you say! Classy does not equal sexy, you say! To which I look at you pitifully. Oh, but it does RhyDin. But it does. You see, Wyh has that subtly sexy thing going on je ne sais quoi quality about her that makes us wonder where a nice evening and bouquet of flowers (or icicles. Whatever) will get us. The smexy is there, RhyDin. It just stuns us to this day how Wyh remains so cool when she is so flipping hot!

4. Shylah Believe you me, I find it just as surprising that we have decided to add Shy to our list of sexiest women in RhyDin this year. But in as much as we've written about her in our columns, her sex appeal (and overall attractiveness, for that matter) has always been something that has sort of flown under our radar. Of late we've been keeping a special eye on our Norse lady, though, and I must say that recently Shy has been piquing our interest " and yours as well, judging by the way she scored herself winter queenship! And for good reason! That there Viking goddess is always soft-spoken, and yet always mysterious in that however much she keeps to herself she always seems to have a sneaky little smile like she knows everyone's dirty little secrets. And for that, she earns a slot on our Top 25 list, as well as an open invitation to dinner and a cruise.

3. Koyliak VanDuran-Simon Before you go there, I know what you are going to say: Emmet, you impossibly delicious paragon of godlike male virtue and muscle! How dare you move Koy from first, to second, to third! To which I answer: Get your own column. To which you reply: We would have if Jiminy hadn't lost his leg to gangrene. And that simply confuses me, so I decide to politely ignore it and move on. Ladies and gentlemen, Kick-A** Koy knows that she has the hearts and minds of everyone at the Post, and most likely just about everyone else in RhyDin. And rest assured, her nail-biting, mouthwatering, we-would-kill-to-be-stuck-in-a-hot-elevator-with-her hotness has certainly not been downgraded in the past two years. But as it is, Kick-A Koy just isn't making the pages as much as she used to, more than likely because she has her hands full at home with her rugrats and unemployed husband (kidding, Matt). Naturally that doesn't mean we have forgotten about her heavenly curves and kissable lips. Oh, no, Sexiest 2009. You will remain the subject of our naughty, naughty dreams for a long time to come. Be flattered.

2. Elessaria Devabriel GASP! SHOCK! OUTRAGE! No, my dear impossible-to-please readers, Eless also has not lost her hotness. The Hotness will always be one with Eless, because she is to the Hotness as Yoda is to the Force " she can manipulate it at will, and in doing so can produce even more hotness whenever she so chooses. The reason our 2010 Sexiest has fell in rank to make way for sexier is that since she has been with Luke her hotness is slightly reined in. Certainly, everything we love about Eless still remains: the sui generis nature of her style, the uncanny grace and confidence with which she walks, her magnetically warm personality, and most of all the inherent spark she has that sometimes drives her to do or say delightfully outlandish things without the hindrance of a filter. Since she met Luke, though, that spark has become less noticeable and her days of docile demeanor have begun to outweigh others. But you know what? We're completely cool with that. We love Eless just the way she is, and we are rather happy for her new life and the changes that come with it. If anyone deserves a happy ending, it's Eless!

1. Fio Helston al-Amat Some people have speculated that it is a conspiracy how RhyDinians somehow connected to the governor's office often make it to the very top of our Top 25 list. To them, I say this: Shame on you! Our lists are not so selfishly driven, and if recognizing government people as inherently sexy and popular may lead to our downtown office building's lease to be magically renewed for free, well that's just a dandy coincidence isn't it' All that aside, though, it comes as no surprise that fabulous Fio makes our number one slot this year. Obviously, her sexiness is undeniable. Fio has that delicate, refined look that most women crave and most men dream (oh so very, very often) about. But do not let that delicacy fool you. Underneath, Fio is an unshakable rock of a woman " at least on the outside. And you know what? She's in politics. She has to be. But though Gov-Fio has ice in her veins, it doesn't make her any less considerate to those she cares about. In fact, it seems to us that this politician has a heart for just about every hopeless case in RhyDin; and perhaps that is why she was suicidal enough to run for governor in the first place (statistically speaking, of course. We have every confidence in her mental capacities). But in total fabulous Fio is not just smokin" enough to draw the eye of nearly every man in the room; she seems like a genuinely compassionate person, which is rare these days. Yessss. Sexy, sexy compassion. Where was I? Oh yes. For all these reasons, we are proud to declare Governor Fio THE SEXIEST WOMAN IN RHYDIN!