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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Vampirism Out, Fans Say; Fangs Discarded for Sturdy Pair of Molars January 9, 2010
Clothing and accessory outlets everywhere these days are being flooded with homo sapien paraphernalia. Cotoure gothic and velvet apparels are being exchanged for bland cotton blends and muddy colors so quickly manufacturers can hardly keep up.
"I swear, this humanity fad is getting ridiculously out of hand," Burke Beeter, merchant for the Lukewarm Issue clothing store chain said as he restocked a shelf of I love boys who bleed! pins. "I've got all kinds coming in trying to pass themselves off as human. Flesh-colored makeup and boring brown contacts are the most popular items we've been selling lately."
Former vampire-loving humans have chosen to temporarily embrace their species for the sake of its current popularity.
"Please. Immortality is so last year," Bethany Miller, fifteen year-old clique member at RhyDin High, said. "I have just discovered there is something very sexy about men who grow old, get liver spots and leathery skin, decay, and die."
Vampires everywhere are being ostracized and accused of being unfashionable by popularity's critical standards. Eman Cireneg, vampire teen, claims he is no longer popular with the "in" crowd at school.
"Now people are just mocking my deep eyes and tragic past. They won't even let me wear a cloak to school anymore."
"I've come to terms with it," Dante Giordano, one hundred fifty year-old vampire, said. "We're a dying breed. Only we can't really die, so' we're just kind of here."
Other vampires are not so composed about the cycle in favor.
"I can't honestly see what?s so interesting about humans," Angelo Ricci, vampire newborn, said. "They're so whiny and dull. Not nearly full of enough angst."
Sources indicate that sulking in tavern corners and dark alleyway stalking has gone down at least twenty percent, while the number of applications to dead-end jobs has increased twofold.
"I went out and got a Volvo yesterday," Mary Illisia, mother of three, said. "I am determined to be the most ordinary, and by extension, coolest person in RhyDin. I'll be back to pick up those fuzzy rear-view mirror dice tomorrow."
West End Cafeteria diners commented today on the barbarism of blood drinking over creamed corn and stale bread.
"I'm very depressed that we're not cool anymore," manic-depressive vampire Shmedward Shmullen said. "I'd kill myself, but you know" undead."
Friends of humanity proprietors are urged to seek them help" or wait five days until the next fad comes.
]
Vampirism Out, Fans Say; Fangs Discarded for Sturdy Pair of Molars January 9, 2010
Clothing and accessory outlets everywhere these days are being flooded with homo sapien paraphernalia. Cotoure gothic and velvet apparels are being exchanged for bland cotton blends and muddy colors so quickly manufacturers can hardly keep up.
"I swear, this humanity fad is getting ridiculously out of hand," Burke Beeter, merchant for the Lukewarm Issue clothing store chain said as he restocked a shelf of I love boys who bleed! pins. "I've got all kinds coming in trying to pass themselves off as human. Flesh-colored makeup and boring brown contacts are the most popular items we've been selling lately."
Former vampire-loving humans have chosen to temporarily embrace their species for the sake of its current popularity.
"Please. Immortality is so last year," Bethany Miller, fifteen year-old clique member at RhyDin High, said. "I have just discovered there is something very sexy about men who grow old, get liver spots and leathery skin, decay, and die."
Vampires everywhere are being ostracized and accused of being unfashionable by popularity's critical standards. Eman Cireneg, vampire teen, claims he is no longer popular with the "in" crowd at school.
"Now people are just mocking my deep eyes and tragic past. They won't even let me wear a cloak to school anymore."
"I've come to terms with it," Dante Giordano, one hundred fifty year-old vampire, said. "We're a dying breed. Only we can't really die, so' we're just kind of here."
Other vampires are not so composed about the cycle in favor.
"I can't honestly see what?s so interesting about humans," Angelo Ricci, vampire newborn, said. "They're so whiny and dull. Not nearly full of enough angst."
Sources indicate that sulking in tavern corners and dark alleyway stalking has gone down at least twenty percent, while the number of applications to dead-end jobs has increased twofold.
"I went out and got a Volvo yesterday," Mary Illisia, mother of three, said. "I am determined to be the most ordinary, and by extension, coolest person in RhyDin. I'll be back to pick up those fuzzy rear-view mirror dice tomorrow."
West End Cafeteria diners commented today on the barbarism of blood drinking over creamed corn and stale bread.
"I'm very depressed that we're not cool anymore," manic-depressive vampire Shmedward Shmullen said. "I'd kill myself, but you know" undead."
Friends of humanity proprietors are urged to seek them help" or wait five days until the next fad comes.
]