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Gossip Columnist: Emmet "The It Man" Bane
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE"! This Week in Review! August 15, 2013
Helloooooooooooo, RhyDin! We're back! Did you miss me" I must admit I am a little dismayed that my office has not yet received torrential landslides of welcome-back gifts. Perhaps they were all lost in the mail. Or perhaps someone stole them all because it's obvious I have such exquisite taste. In either case, I expect replacements within the fortnight. Hint, hint: I'd really dig a bottle or five of Rumors Mill Barbaresco from Jolyon's stores. Time's a-wastin", people!
Initially, we had considered naming this article "Thirty Names We Don't Know and Someone Should Really Do Something About That," but there was some disagreement about word limits. However, I believe this title adequately conveys my shock. While I never expect RhyDinians to stick around for long " RhyDin is a midway point to greater things, as we all know " I never anticipated such a huge turnaround. So many new people! So much new gossip! Oh, boy, I'm like a repressed, sexually frustrated teenager who found his brother's porn stash. Jackpot!
We'll get on to the gossip shortly, but as our malnourished, underpaid interns are still out gathering insight on the happenings whilst we were gone, I am left letting my mind wander as to my favorite town's current circumstances. Did Panther install that stripper pole like I suggested" Did Leo Herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrracleides finally get off Atkins" Do the Kidds have their own sitcom yet' Did throngs of screaming fan girls ever trample Sin and Sal" Did Spazzy Kazzy and Grem open up their roller rink" Did bad boy Jochin and impossible bombshell Duci's moment end in flames and glory' Did Mesteno and Gem ever let anybody besides the cool kids into their clubhouse" Did they finally locate Harold and Scotty's remains scattered around Vex's dinner table" And what has become of love of my life Gigi Granger" Is it possible she died pining beside that old doughnut that I always meant to return to but never did" Oh, the tragedy of it all!
NEW PEOPLE ALERT! There's really no sense in making these an alert, because there are tons of new people. One of said new people is Jenirva "Call me Jen" Minx, who was seen being introduced to Oh-Dot-Helston by local perverted furball Khoom. The initial impression of dear Jen is she has that shapely Jessica Rabbit appeal, and by the looks of things she isn't comfortable enough with the RDI to let her true crazy show. Rest assured, that'll be hammered out of her in five days flat. If she hangs around with Khoom any longer" Twenty-four hours. Even so, it still seems like this girl is trying to sex her way into the "it' crowd by being flirtier than comes naturally to her. Newsflash: Oh-Dot-Helston's boobs squish against everyone from time to time. It's pretty much a rite of passage in RhyDin, and Kitty only gets away with it because she's been around forever. It's not an invitation for imitation " slooooow down!
Nothing like the sight of Lovable-Huggable-Horam to make us feel right at home all over again. Not unusually he was spotted in the Inn recently getting his drink on, and not unusually his brief stay ended in the makings of a bar brawl. One-sided, at that. Really it just looked like a lot of barreling around in blind rage before Oh-Dot-Helston stepped in to escort him from the premises. Our interns aren't quite sure why it progressed thusly, but if we know Horam like we think we do it probably had something to do with his temper (or the gallon of spirits he was drinking). Shame it ended so early. That night had the potential to get infinitely more interesting. There's nothing quite like an eight-foot-tall, half-blind, half-drunk minotaur charging through the middle of a crowded tavern.
Now, ladies and gents, let's play a game called Spot the Newcomer"! A massive, enraged bull has just charged and crashed into Inn property. Do you: A) Try to fight him, B) Try to heal him, or C) Try to ride him"
Trick question. The correct answer was D. You pour yourself a pint before he ends up destroying the whole bar. We haven't got any clue who the man curiously hovering over Horam was, but he sure as heck didn't look like someone who heals people. Gem seemed to think as much and shooed him off in typical Gem fashion. How did RhyDin ever get along without her, rolling as she so often does around the Inn floor in mock outrage while covered in glitter" Slap some false eyelashes on her and I know just the person who can test-drive that stripper pole. However long he's been here, though, the other bloke Gem was talking to " Cris, we think his name is " has obviously caught on to the dynamic that is RhyDin, and voiced a rather levelheaded suggestion that the glitter Gem was coated in (because she loves glitter, and everyone should always throw glitter on her all the time) was tainted. That's the ticket to surviving in RhyDin, and he's got it: suspect EVERYTHING.
We hear Friday, in the weeeeeeeee hours of the morning there was some good live entertainment going on in the Inn by the name of Myriad " a name we obtained strictly from muttering neighbors complaining about noise ordinances. As we understand it, the micro-elf was bellowing drinking tunes late into the night, much to the aggravation of one or two minotaurs and cranky barflies nearby. The concert lasted quite a while, and quite possibly would have been better received in a more crowded barroom. Let's try that again another night " that way I can send one of my slave" uh' interns to go and get it on tape. Granted, the evening will probably end in the exact same way: unconscious from a bottle to the head, and being dragged up the Inn stairs by Cianan.
We hear Oh-Dot-Helston (that's Kitty to the rest of you) celebrated her birthday on Saturday. What better way to celebrate than with a surprise visit from Stitch' They must be seeing a lot of each other outside the bar (or not at all), because ever the life of the party, Kitty hardly paid him any mind aside from the traditional greeting. It was her birthday, sure, and it looked like a dozen patrons were vying for her attention, but come on! It's Stitch! There's got to be something going on there, and we're going to get to the bottom of it!
Did we hear what we think we heard" Because if what we heard was actually hearing what we think we heard, then we heard some news! (Not great news, as this is still unsubstantiated and we are unaware as to how much drama is wrapped up in it, but still news). Rumor on the street is Thorn is DATING! Finally. Jeez. Hopefully whoever this mystery man is he can at least outdrink or out-think her. Oh, who are we kidding" Like that's ever going to happen. Well, fifty bucks and a coke to the person who supplies his name first. Aaaaaaaand, GO!
Not going to lie: Jenai is pretty smokin" hot. Not anywhere near love of my life Gigi Granger hot, of course, but definitely in the realm of excuse-us-we-need-a-drink-to-cool-off kind of hot. So WHYYYYYY is it she and her guy Brian are the most vomitrociously sappy couple basically ever" We're counting the seconds until that ticking time bomb of a relationship explodes and lets off all kinds of radioactive crazy, but until then we're stuck suffering an endless No-you-hang-up-No-you!-No-you-first! sentimental loop. We get the whole honeymoon mentality, but seriously, gag. Someone swap out their drinks for sleeping tonic next time they get like that in public. Yes, yes, love is in the air, blah, blah, blah. Innocent bystanders don't deserve that kind of torture.
As we understand it, Connar and Rena caught up this week and there was definitely something there they weren't saying out loud. I don't really know what "candle wax" is a metaphor of (not really sure I want to), but that topic was delved into just a little too thoroughly for either of them to have meant any kind of hobby. I retract my earlier statement. There are TWO ways you can survive in RhyDin: suspect EVERYTHING, and assume everyone is sleeping with everyone. I'm watching you two!
So there's absolutely nothing wrong with cat people talking about sex or a perfectly polite alien creature" but a sphinx is suddenly worrisome" A sphinx telling riddles is practically the most ordinary thing EVER. Who knows why Vera got all tizzy during a sphinx's entertaining Q&A recently, but at least the group she hangs with (Jake and Lola ? not Lola Granger. A different Lola) is fairly grounded. Come on, Vera. You've been to RhyDin before! You can't let these things faze you. RhyDin may not be anywhere as crazy as it once was, but I'll be damned if I don't look both ways for suicidal carnies riding vampire ostriches before I cross the street.
Edit: OHMIGOD GUESS WHO IS AT THE RED DRAGON INN RIGHT THIS SECOND. Hold my beer. I'm going to go see if I can catch love of my life Gigi Granger on her way out and propose. If you don't see me in the morning, look for my corpse somewhere around the porch.
That's all for now! Until next time, you stay sassy, RhyDin!
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE"! This Week in Review! August 15, 2013
Helloooooooooooo, RhyDin! We're back! Did you miss me" I must admit I am a little dismayed that my office has not yet received torrential landslides of welcome-back gifts. Perhaps they were all lost in the mail. Or perhaps someone stole them all because it's obvious I have such exquisite taste. In either case, I expect replacements within the fortnight. Hint, hint: I'd really dig a bottle or five of Rumors Mill Barbaresco from Jolyon's stores. Time's a-wastin", people!
Initially, we had considered naming this article "Thirty Names We Don't Know and Someone Should Really Do Something About That," but there was some disagreement about word limits. However, I believe this title adequately conveys my shock. While I never expect RhyDinians to stick around for long " RhyDin is a midway point to greater things, as we all know " I never anticipated such a huge turnaround. So many new people! So much new gossip! Oh, boy, I'm like a repressed, sexually frustrated teenager who found his brother's porn stash. Jackpot!
We'll get on to the gossip shortly, but as our malnourished, underpaid interns are still out gathering insight on the happenings whilst we were gone, I am left letting my mind wander as to my favorite town's current circumstances. Did Panther install that stripper pole like I suggested" Did Leo Herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrracleides finally get off Atkins" Do the Kidds have their own sitcom yet' Did throngs of screaming fan girls ever trample Sin and Sal" Did Spazzy Kazzy and Grem open up their roller rink" Did bad boy Jochin and impossible bombshell Duci's moment end in flames and glory' Did Mesteno and Gem ever let anybody besides the cool kids into their clubhouse" Did they finally locate Harold and Scotty's remains scattered around Vex's dinner table" And what has become of love of my life Gigi Granger" Is it possible she died pining beside that old doughnut that I always meant to return to but never did" Oh, the tragedy of it all!
NEW PEOPLE ALERT! There's really no sense in making these an alert, because there are tons of new people. One of said new people is Jenirva "Call me Jen" Minx, who was seen being introduced to Oh-Dot-Helston by local perverted furball Khoom. The initial impression of dear Jen is she has that shapely Jessica Rabbit appeal, and by the looks of things she isn't comfortable enough with the RDI to let her true crazy show. Rest assured, that'll be hammered out of her in five days flat. If she hangs around with Khoom any longer" Twenty-four hours. Even so, it still seems like this girl is trying to sex her way into the "it' crowd by being flirtier than comes naturally to her. Newsflash: Oh-Dot-Helston's boobs squish against everyone from time to time. It's pretty much a rite of passage in RhyDin, and Kitty only gets away with it because she's been around forever. It's not an invitation for imitation " slooooow down!
Nothing like the sight of Lovable-Huggable-Horam to make us feel right at home all over again. Not unusually he was spotted in the Inn recently getting his drink on, and not unusually his brief stay ended in the makings of a bar brawl. One-sided, at that. Really it just looked like a lot of barreling around in blind rage before Oh-Dot-Helston stepped in to escort him from the premises. Our interns aren't quite sure why it progressed thusly, but if we know Horam like we think we do it probably had something to do with his temper (or the gallon of spirits he was drinking). Shame it ended so early. That night had the potential to get infinitely more interesting. There's nothing quite like an eight-foot-tall, half-blind, half-drunk minotaur charging through the middle of a crowded tavern.
Now, ladies and gents, let's play a game called Spot the Newcomer"! A massive, enraged bull has just charged and crashed into Inn property. Do you: A) Try to fight him, B) Try to heal him, or C) Try to ride him"
Trick question. The correct answer was D. You pour yourself a pint before he ends up destroying the whole bar. We haven't got any clue who the man curiously hovering over Horam was, but he sure as heck didn't look like someone who heals people. Gem seemed to think as much and shooed him off in typical Gem fashion. How did RhyDin ever get along without her, rolling as she so often does around the Inn floor in mock outrage while covered in glitter" Slap some false eyelashes on her and I know just the person who can test-drive that stripper pole. However long he's been here, though, the other bloke Gem was talking to " Cris, we think his name is " has obviously caught on to the dynamic that is RhyDin, and voiced a rather levelheaded suggestion that the glitter Gem was coated in (because she loves glitter, and everyone should always throw glitter on her all the time) was tainted. That's the ticket to surviving in RhyDin, and he's got it: suspect EVERYTHING.
We hear Friday, in the weeeeeeeee hours of the morning there was some good live entertainment going on in the Inn by the name of Myriad " a name we obtained strictly from muttering neighbors complaining about noise ordinances. As we understand it, the micro-elf was bellowing drinking tunes late into the night, much to the aggravation of one or two minotaurs and cranky barflies nearby. The concert lasted quite a while, and quite possibly would have been better received in a more crowded barroom. Let's try that again another night " that way I can send one of my slave" uh' interns to go and get it on tape. Granted, the evening will probably end in the exact same way: unconscious from a bottle to the head, and being dragged up the Inn stairs by Cianan.
We hear Oh-Dot-Helston (that's Kitty to the rest of you) celebrated her birthday on Saturday. What better way to celebrate than with a surprise visit from Stitch' They must be seeing a lot of each other outside the bar (or not at all), because ever the life of the party, Kitty hardly paid him any mind aside from the traditional greeting. It was her birthday, sure, and it looked like a dozen patrons were vying for her attention, but come on! It's Stitch! There's got to be something going on there, and we're going to get to the bottom of it!
Did we hear what we think we heard" Because if what we heard was actually hearing what we think we heard, then we heard some news! (Not great news, as this is still unsubstantiated and we are unaware as to how much drama is wrapped up in it, but still news). Rumor on the street is Thorn is DATING! Finally. Jeez. Hopefully whoever this mystery man is he can at least outdrink or out-think her. Oh, who are we kidding" Like that's ever going to happen. Well, fifty bucks and a coke to the person who supplies his name first. Aaaaaaaand, GO!
Not going to lie: Jenai is pretty smokin" hot. Not anywhere near love of my life Gigi Granger hot, of course, but definitely in the realm of excuse-us-we-need-a-drink-to-cool-off kind of hot. So WHYYYYYY is it she and her guy Brian are the most vomitrociously sappy couple basically ever" We're counting the seconds until that ticking time bomb of a relationship explodes and lets off all kinds of radioactive crazy, but until then we're stuck suffering an endless No-you-hang-up-No-you!-No-you-first! sentimental loop. We get the whole honeymoon mentality, but seriously, gag. Someone swap out their drinks for sleeping tonic next time they get like that in public. Yes, yes, love is in the air, blah, blah, blah. Innocent bystanders don't deserve that kind of torture.
As we understand it, Connar and Rena caught up this week and there was definitely something there they weren't saying out loud. I don't really know what "candle wax" is a metaphor of (not really sure I want to), but that topic was delved into just a little too thoroughly for either of them to have meant any kind of hobby. I retract my earlier statement. There are TWO ways you can survive in RhyDin: suspect EVERYTHING, and assume everyone is sleeping with everyone. I'm watching you two!
So there's absolutely nothing wrong with cat people talking about sex or a perfectly polite alien creature" but a sphinx is suddenly worrisome" A sphinx telling riddles is practically the most ordinary thing EVER. Who knows why Vera got all tizzy during a sphinx's entertaining Q&A recently, but at least the group she hangs with (Jake and Lola ? not Lola Granger. A different Lola) is fairly grounded. Come on, Vera. You've been to RhyDin before! You can't let these things faze you. RhyDin may not be anywhere as crazy as it once was, but I'll be damned if I don't look both ways for suicidal carnies riding vampire ostriches before I cross the street.
Edit: OHMIGOD GUESS WHO IS AT THE RED DRAGON INN RIGHT THIS SECOND. Hold my beer. I'm going to go see if I can catch love of my life Gigi Granger on her way out and propose. If you don't see me in the morning, look for my corpse somewhere around the porch.
That's all for now! Until next time, you stay sassy, RhyDin!