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Amelia Enderwood: Satirist
Area Woman on Verge of Psychological Meltdown Going to Gun Down RDI Patrons Unless Someone Eats her **** Brownies March 5, 2017
*Muttering obscenities under her breath, Claire McGuillory was allegedly sighted glaring at passers by in the Red Dragon Inn Friday night while her award-winning brownies went untouched.
The brownies, which in fact were homemade and not from a mix (with no shortcuts!), had been prepared in the Red Dragon Inn kitchen and placed out on the bar counter for all patrons to enjoy free of charge. According to sources there was an assortment of the sweets available. Some included walnuts, while others included chunks of whole Hershey Kisses with a touch of Bailey's Irish Cream; both kinds of brownies had been thoughtfully separated to account for any patrons with a nut allergy. Additionally, many of the hard edges had been sawed off from end pieces of the brownies and placed in a separate bowl, taking into consideration the naysayers in the debate of chewy versus soft and flaky brownies.
"It's been two goddamn hours," McGuillory said. "People have glanced at those things a dozen times and kept walking. I swear to Anubis" nipples I'm going to gun down the next person to ignore my tasty treat."
According to reports, McGuillory was seen hovering behind the Red Dragon Inn bar for several hours, watching in hysterical desperation as the thoughtful snack she so lovingly set out went unappreciated. In an effort to enhance the dessert's presentation, McGuillory reportedly dusted the brownie bits with powdered sugar and provided pink lacy napkins for hygienic purposes. At one point a small, gleaming light of hope was extinguished when a patron took a napkin, only to blow his nose and leave the tissue beside the plate.
"There isn't a damn thing wrong with brownies," McGuillory continued, twitching. "Everyone loves brownies. I'll gut and flay the son of a **** like a red snapper who tells me he doesn't like brownies."
Bob Meesuch, who until then had enjoyed nearly daily treats provided by McGuillory, reportedly stayed near the booths, watching in terror as she made a death-like gesture at him by dragging her thumb across her neck and pointing to him, then the brownies.
"I couldn't tell if she wanted me eat them, or if she was telling me they would kill me," Meesuch said. "Either way, that chick looked like she was about to freakin" lose it."
According to close friends and family McGuillory has been going through some struggles in her personal life, but has been extremely careful about preventing morbid feelings from leaching into her day-to-day social interactions with other Red Dragon Inn patrons. She has been described as a "RhyDin Angel" and "unflappable" by those closest to her.
"Look at Andu," chimed McGuillory, grinding her teeth together. "Love him. So homely and sweet. But I swear to Christ if he doesn't shove one of these mother**** nut bliss bars in his face I will cut his head off and mount it on my windshield."
Added McGuillory later, flamethrower in hand: "He said he'd try one and then he never did. I'm about to go ape**** on his stupid furry ****."
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.
Area Woman on Verge of Psychological Meltdown Going to Gun Down RDI Patrons Unless Someone Eats her **** Brownies March 5, 2017
*Muttering obscenities under her breath, Claire McGuillory was allegedly sighted glaring at passers by in the Red Dragon Inn Friday night while her award-winning brownies went untouched.
The brownies, which in fact were homemade and not from a mix (with no shortcuts!), had been prepared in the Red Dragon Inn kitchen and placed out on the bar counter for all patrons to enjoy free of charge. According to sources there was an assortment of the sweets available. Some included walnuts, while others included chunks of whole Hershey Kisses with a touch of Bailey's Irish Cream; both kinds of brownies had been thoughtfully separated to account for any patrons with a nut allergy. Additionally, many of the hard edges had been sawed off from end pieces of the brownies and placed in a separate bowl, taking into consideration the naysayers in the debate of chewy versus soft and flaky brownies.
"It's been two goddamn hours," McGuillory said. "People have glanced at those things a dozen times and kept walking. I swear to Anubis" nipples I'm going to gun down the next person to ignore my tasty treat."
According to reports, McGuillory was seen hovering behind the Red Dragon Inn bar for several hours, watching in hysterical desperation as the thoughtful snack she so lovingly set out went unappreciated. In an effort to enhance the dessert's presentation, McGuillory reportedly dusted the brownie bits with powdered sugar and provided pink lacy napkins for hygienic purposes. At one point a small, gleaming light of hope was extinguished when a patron took a napkin, only to blow his nose and leave the tissue beside the plate.
"There isn't a damn thing wrong with brownies," McGuillory continued, twitching. "Everyone loves brownies. I'll gut and flay the son of a **** like a red snapper who tells me he doesn't like brownies."
Bob Meesuch, who until then had enjoyed nearly daily treats provided by McGuillory, reportedly stayed near the booths, watching in terror as she made a death-like gesture at him by dragging her thumb across her neck and pointing to him, then the brownies.
"I couldn't tell if she wanted me eat them, or if she was telling me they would kill me," Meesuch said. "Either way, that chick looked like she was about to freakin" lose it."
According to close friends and family McGuillory has been going through some struggles in her personal life, but has been extremely careful about preventing morbid feelings from leaching into her day-to-day social interactions with other Red Dragon Inn patrons. She has been described as a "RhyDin Angel" and "unflappable" by those closest to her.
"Look at Andu," chimed McGuillory, grinding her teeth together. "Love him. So homely and sweet. But I swear to Christ if he doesn't shove one of these mother**** nut bliss bars in his face I will cut his head off and mount it on my windshield."
Added McGuillory later, flamethrower in hand: "He said he'd try one and then he never did. I'm about to go ape**** on his stupid furry ****."
*Certain facts in the above article have been fabricated for the sake of satire.