Topic: An old footlocker.

Colin Lincoln

Date: 2012-12-28 10:42 EST
'God I feel awful.'

Through his work, he learned the value of keeping things recorded, either in writing or through the small voice recorder he was speaking into. At first, it had just been business things, Transactions, orders, contracts and things like that. When he realized that everything made more sense when you looked at it, or heard it, twice, he started recording his thoughts. Someday, he'd end up dead and there's not much he'd leave behind. You might as well give someone your thoughts.

'I didn't sleep, and I know why. It's not a bad thing, it just feels weird, I guess. It's probably the best thing for me, really. I just....couldn't sleep. I tried, and I hope you understand.'

It's not like she'd hear this, unless he did wind up dead. He'd already made that arrangement, he'd told each and everyone of his workers that she'd get the tape. If anything, she'd probably want to understand.

'So anyways, here I am, standing on a hill looking over where I used to work. It's all gone, or at least most of it is. Fuck, I've seen some explosions in my life, but that was something else, you know" There must have been a few thousand pounds in the back of the truck, and when it hit, all I could see was fire. Everything was on fire, and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. I guess all that training really did work, didn't it' Get the hell out of where you are, start looking for targets. No targets" Get off the X, start looking for bodies. You've got to get a count, you know" Those were my guys. I made them all come with me, I was supposed to be taking care of them, you know"'

He blew a long sigh and kept on standing there, just standing in the wind and staring down at the clean up crews removing chunks of concrete and filling in a massive crater. Maybe it was the wind, or maybe it was something else, but he stifled a shiver.

'This is why I left the Navy, you know" I got sick and tired of seeing them die and I got sick and tired of having to explain to parents, wives and kids. What the hell do you tell someone when you show up on their door with a flag and a few medals" It's bullshit, there's nothing to tell them. That's what I meant last night. I wish I could sit there and tell you it's fine, but you deserve better then that. If it comes to an end, it won't be fine. People always asked me what made us different. Why did we get to have long hair and crazy weapons" How come I could tell an Admiral to go get fucked and just walk away' Well, it's because at the end, we are special. It's not just a title. It's not that we walk into this shit, everyone knows that. It's not the fact that we can shoot straighter, go further, hit harder and come back up faster. It's that we know a few things most people don't. In the end, there's no fucking glory, there's no honor. There's broken bodies and blood. It's all over the place, you know" There's no way to make that go away, there's no way to fill that hole when you watch your friends get cut in half by an RPG. That's why I left. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I hated myself for the mistakes I thought I'd made, and really, I still do. What if I had been better" What if I had done things a different way, given different orders" Would they have lived" Who fucking knows"'

The last words, the question to himself, came out with a mixture of raw emotions. The words were almost yelled, but he was yelling at himself, yelling at the wind and the world in general. He's not home, but this place won't be any different.

'I still dream about it. I don't know if you've noticed, but I do. I wake up at night and it takes a few minutes for me to convince myself that I'm not there anymore. And then I reach over and you're there. That's what I can't tell you. I don't know why, but it's hard for me to say things like this. You're real, you know" You're safe, you're home. You won't try and kill me. You aren't a part of that world, if that makes sense. Fucking God girl, you've got to understand that it's hard for me to step out of that world. That's why I shot at that taxi driver. All I know how to do is lash out in anger or to hide everything. That's why I tell you it's fine even when I know it's not. It's not yet, at least. I said I was sorry, and I am. I don't ever want to see that pretty face wet with tears again, it tore me up something horrible. And that's why I'm here. I said I was sorry to you, and I meant it. I don't say that often, but I think I need to.'

By the sound of his voice, he was close to breaking. Funny, he was a mere hundred feet from the men who died for him, but he couldn't tell them this. That's why he had the recording device. He could tell the machine what he didn't have the courage to tell those who really needed to hear it. Maybe he'd get there soon, but as it stands, the walls came right back up when that inferno exploded around him.

'I'm sorry guys. I fucked up and again, someone else died for it. I really am, and I wish I was better. I promise I won't do it again, you've got to believe me. I didn't want any of that to happen....'

The machine cut off for a few moments, he'd dropped it on the sand and all it picked up was the surf and the wind. When he finally did pick it up again, his footsteps could be heard kicking sand back and forth under the black Nikes he always wore.

'Anyways, I just wanted you to know that. You help, you know" I haven't said sorry in too long, and I think it's about time I started. I'm heading home now, I hope I don't wake you up.'

It's a silly thing to do, recording these things, but he knew that when it was awful again, the next time he was standing in some hell hole of a country and wondering why the bullets didn't catch him, he knew he could listen to it again. No, he'd not listen to it. He'd leave it with her when he left again. That's another first, but one that forced him to smile softly as he thought over it. He's never left a trace before, but now he's going to. Not that he intends on leaving, but insurance is insurance.

Colin Lincoln

Date: 2012-12-31 12:50 EST
'I know you don't believe me. What I said last night, you know" Trust me, the only reason I'm alive this day is because I can see right through a lot of people, it's not hard. That's why I got rich when everyone else died, I guess. I just know people, and I know you don't believe me, or maybe you don't want to believe me. Maybe you aren't letting yourself believe me, but that's moot. It all amounts to the same thing.'

He was driving and the starting strains of Pink Floyd's masterwork, "Time" could be heard in the background of the recording. Randomly, he left the device on and began to sing along. His voice mirrored the music, it was something more lost then he'd ever let the world know, something absolutely broken, a soft noise that he'd let a select few hear. When the song ended, he picked the recorder back up and held it to his lips.

'But that's fine. I've got time. All I've ever asked for is a chance. That's all I wanted as a kid, that's all I've wanted as an adult. That's it, pretty simple, huh' I guess we're just different people on that note. Hell, I've given my life into hands that I can't even see a hundred times. It doesn't scare me, but then again. I'm a crazy asshole, or so I'm told. Regardless, that's not why I'm saying this. I mean, it is. I want you to believe me, but it's fine. Things take time. I'll be blunt, I'm just not used to that. Time, for me, is measured in seconds. I don't have days and months to plan. I'm trying to get to that level, but it's hard. Maybe you're used to people leaving. I'm used to people dying. I look at this life as a series of days, not as series of years.'

He had to stop there, he had to shrug that thought away. As true as it is, it's a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. He was driving on autopilot, his mind was running through things he'd forgotten, almost.

'I meant to just tell you that I'm sorry I couldn't find the right thing to say last night. I'm not good at comforting people, I never have been. I wish I was and I really should be. I've sat in my friends living rooms before. I've went to parents houses and tried to explain to wives, parents, brothers and children why their loved one won't ever come home again. I've given out enough flags, and even then, I couldn't find the words to even start to make it better. That's just not me, and maybe it's because I just lock everything inside of an old footlocker deep inside me and try to forget it. It's easier that way. Hell, when they gave me the Medal of Honor I was the only one who didn't cry in the whole room. I couldn't. As bad as it sounds, I don't get sad, I get angry. It's easier that way, it's so much easier to bite the bullet until you can just lash out. Maybe when I'm behind a gun or maybe when I'm alone. You won't see that side, you won't see me break down, but it happens. I'm just human. Those fuckers tried to give me a medal, I guess they thought it'd make it all better" We walked into that damn city with an entire platoon. Eighteen of us walked through those streets and eighteen of us bled on that dirt. One of us lived to see the end and they thought a medal would make it better" They thought it'd make it all worth it' What the fuck does that even mean' How the hell can someone stand in front of me and even talk about that' Assholes, I wish they would have been the ones to get hit, I wish they had to wake up at night and hear them screaming, knowing there's not a damn thing you can do. I wish they sat and wondered if they could have done more, you know" That's why I put it in that old locker, that's why I just try to ignore it. I don't know how to talk about it, I don't know how to make it any better, so I just keep on walking. What else is there to do"'

When he asked himself the question, he wasn't even paying attention to the road. Not that it mattered, there weren't really any other cars on the empty road.

'Anyways, I've got to get to work. Some of the new guys I hired don't have much experience, so I thought I'd take them on a routine patrol. It's not big deal, I promise. It'll probably be fine.'

With that, he shut the device off and slipped it into a pocket. Or, he thought he turned it off, but a brush of his hand flipped it back into life.

"Alright, check it. We've got a short patrol, routine style. These guys just need a presence in this part of the city, so it's nothing you haven't done before. That being said, don't fuck up, people get killed when you don't pay attention. Weapons hot, eyes alive. Saddle up gentlemen."

Of course, Colin took the point. In really was just routine, nothing he hasn't done a thousand times before. His guys spread fanned out behind him and soon enough, he slipped back into the warrior's mindset he cultivated so well. His eyes were alive, dancing back and forth between the buildings on either side and the road in front of him. He's too well trained to miss a detail, but something just felt off. Somehow, it didn't feel right. Slowly, he raised his right hand and formed a fist, signaling a halt. As he dropped to a knee, he lifted the G3 to his left shoulder, a German work of art in motion. A glance over his shoulder showed him that the rest of his men had followed suit, they had spread to either side of the road and held close to the walls of the nearest buildings. Next, two fingers came up and circled over his shoulder before pointing towards a building on his left, form a rally point, my left. On cue, half of the squad did as he ordered. All his life, he's paid close attention to those feelings, they were normally right. This time was no exception, of course. No more then fifty yards in front of him, a pair of men in dark body armor and visored helmets stepped around the corner, assault rifles already held to their shoulders. Time slowed for Colin, it always did. Before he even knew what he was doing, he was calling out "Contact, short 12." Even in that split second, he knew he would have to trade shots. His finger jumped on the trigger as he moved to his left, desperately trying to get out of the middle of the street. The first man fell in an explosion of blood, but he was slow on the second. All of the sudden, it felt like someone had hit him in the chest with a baseball bat, and as he stumbled, he fired another quick burst, blowing the second man's life away with a professional ease. He had traded though, and the dull ache in his shoulder spread to his hands, even as he hit the door his men were already stacked on. "Stack, check area. Go in hot, see target, engage target." The words were barked over his shoulder, and the man behind him rolled forward and kicked the door down. Luckily, it was a single room. He'd seen that as soon as he stepped into it and immediately moved left, rolling his hips to present the room with his body armor, chest forward and rifle aimed at the first corner. The middle of the room was occupied, and again he traded. Once more, his armor ate most of the shock, but the impact blew him back against the wall as the center of the room fell under a hail of bullets.

Once the room fell quiet, he took a moment to compose himself, well aware of the fact that he wasn't hurt badly. Another suit of armor, however, was ruined. The only person he'd served with before started to organize the rest of the group, it was plain to see that Colin wasn't paying them any mind at all.

"Restack, inside door. Hold for reinforcement, I've got the rest of the group on the horn, eta less then two mikes." The words barely registered in his mind, but the entire scene came through the recorder in his pocket.

Lawrence Tener turned and looked at his boss, a curious expression in his eyes. "You alright Spook?" He used the old call sign they'd shared on the Teams, and that, more then anything, brought Colin back to life. "Yeah, I'm good man, I'm good. Armor ate it."

Rather then show any signs of relief, Tener stared even harder at the man slumped against the wall. "Since when did you start wearing armor?"

"I put it on when I realized I didn't want to die." The words came out flat and with little to no emotion, but they were there all the same. "Trucks are here. Saddle up." He gave the final order, and without waiting to see it's result, he stepped out of the door and into the waiting GMV.

Colin Lincoln

Date: 2013-01-01 02:48 EST
'Tener met me at the hospital, he made me go. Apparently, a few ribs are broken and my shoulder was dislocated for a while. No big deal, it'll be fine in a few days. Going to hurt like a bitch, that's for sure though.'

The body armor had saved his life. When he took it off, there were four bullet marks stitched across his chest, yet the sight didn't even really seem to bother him. Instead, he shook his head and laughed at the ruined armor. He and his friend were standing in a darkened room, lit only by a red light shining on the back wall, which was covered by a large map of the area where the ambush had taken place. It was the first, and most important building, he'd rebuilt after the events of just a week ago, maybe. Of course, when the other man stepped in, Colin dropped the recording device on the table. It's been on for so long that he simply forgot to turn it off.

'Look, it wasn't organized, so it was either random or done in haste. Either that means it was just a bad part of the city or we were getting close to something they didn't want us to see. It's not like I've got a history of running to the cops, so I don't think it can be the latter.'

Tener raised a hand and stopped his boss. "You should probably take a look at this. I think you might find it familiar." Colin arched an eyebrow towards his most trusted friend and gestured impatiently. Following the gesture, Tener dropped an ID card onto the table that dominated the middle of the room. "It's an ID Colin, and it says TDF. Ring any bells?" He knew it would, but he didn't know it would provoke the following reaction.

Rather then speak, the armor he'd been holding in his hand found a new home on against the wall, where it had been thrown with particular violence. Next, he followed the armor to the wall and set about raining down punches on the steel walls, actually bending and denting the metal with more then a few of them.

'What's that fucker want, and why couldn't he just come and fucking talk to me" I'm not that crazy, am I"'

Tener sighed and shook his head. "Colin, I've got to tell you something that I probably should have told you a long, long time ago. I just couldn't, and it was wrong of me. Wrong of us all, I guess. That day in Africa when we got there first, we fucked up a job for Treven and he never really got over it. In fact, I think we cost him a few million dollars and a whole lot of respect, and uhh, he wasn't happy, naturally."

'Spit it the fuck out.' Impatient by nature, this was not a good time to waste the man's time.

"Right. Well, we claimed it was that terrorist organization, right' We did that because, well we did it because we knew you'd go crazy and start a bloodbath that'd just get you in jail. It wasn't any terrorists. It was Treven and his boys, and they went off the grid after it was done. Yeah, he ordered it and he did it." Tener had been expecting some sort of reaction, he wouldn't even put it past his boss to shoot at him. The reaction he got shocked him even more.

'First of all, if you ever lie to me again I swear to God I will paint a fucking picture on the wall behind you and most of it's going to be red. I assume there'd be some pink as well, but not much. Brain matter doesn't stand up to the shock very well. Secondly, we move tomorrow morning, get the teams ready. I'll get back to you in the morning.'

What shocked Tener was the strange nature of his response. Not the words, but the lack of action. Instead of flying into a rage or slipping into the depression that he hid so well, Colin was simply quiet. A quiet voice, quiet eyes. Calculating eyes.

"Colin, it's not worth it. We've got a good thing here. Let it stay in the past. If you start another street war here we stand to lose everything. You think he won't do it again? You're emotional, let me handle this. Come back when you've got a clear mind-...."

'Get the fuck out. Now. You heard the orders.'

"Give it up man. This shit is going to destroy you and you're going to let it. You're going to make me watch you fall apart again? You've got people who depend on you. Maybe a few years ago you could just go off on some bullshit tangent, but come on man, be smart."

He'd heard enough, and by the time the man finished speaking, he was already spitting blood out of a hopelessly broken jaw.

'Get out. Get them saddled up. We start tomorrow.'

Before the man had a chance to answer, another rifle was taken off a rack, another suit of body armor was dragged off of a shelf and Colin left the small building.

Colin Lincoln

Date: 2013-01-05 23:29 EST
"Is everything set up?" Quite naturally, the phone call was heavily encrypted. Through all of his career, both in and out of the Navy, Colin had never been one to get his name dirty, and when it happened, he'd always changed it. That'd been key to his work, he had an uncanny ability, some sort of sense, that just told him when it was time to cut and run. Even now, he wondered if it was that time, but those thought drifted out of his mind, they didn't stay long anymore. Each time he wanted to run away, each time he wanted to take a new identity in some new place, he thought of her. In all reality, the simple power she had over him, most likely unknown to her, horrified him in the best sort of ways. Those thoughts passed as well, however. They faded away with a smile and a resigned shake of his head. Tonight, of all nights, was a business night.

As a member of the United State's elite counter terrorism unit, Colin learned to think like a terrorist. No, he became one. That'd also be a massive understatement. He didn't think like a terrorist, he was one. Mind, body and soul, but most importantly, mind.

"Yes, it's primed to go off ten seconds after the first time the shutter opens."

"Understood." As always, the phone was dropped and stepped on, ruining any sort of electronic tracking device. Colin wanted to keep his name, and tonight, his work wasn't legal at all. Murder rarely is.

The device in question was a 'camera'. It took pictures, sort of. It flashed, make no mistake on that. Rather then housing the normal set up, however, the 'camera', set on a tripod, carried 1,400 steel darts embedded into the plastic, which in all honesty, amounted to 42 pounds of military grade plastic explosives, more commonly know as C4.

Ever since Colin had realized that the man who killed his children was in this place, he'd been hell bent upon killing the man. No, not just him. That wouldn't do. A wedding, however, was too good a chance to pass up. His entire family would be there, his friends, all of them. The camera was set up behind the spot where the bride and groom would say their vows, facing the crowd and pointed at the spot where Treven would be sitting, along with his family. Colin didn't need to see it, he was content with hearing about it.

As the bride and groom held hands, one of Colin's workers triggered the 'camera', and mere nanoseconds after it flashed, the entire ceremony was ruined as the darts flew it, riding the wings of an explosion that ripped through the crowd, sucking the air from the sky, hammering the ground with it's over pressure and incinerating all that stood before it.

Colin saw the resulting explosion from more then a mile away, and he simply shrugged. That was it, that was all he'd needed to see to know that his work was done.

Colin Lincoln

Date: 2013-04-05 00:44 EST
Colin was in his element, absolutely. He had been wearing a suit, but with the meeting over, he kicked back in a leather covered chair and propped his feet up on the long table. The jacket was behind him, thrown on the floor and his sleeves were well rolled up. To complete the image, a bottle of brandy was sitting next to a glass, and his lip was full of Copenhagen, naturally.

His counterpart, and life-long friend, Tener, frowned across the table at him, still looking quite professional. "Do you just not care" Really man, I've never known someone who gave less of a fuck then you. If it wasn't so damn insane, I'd be impressed, you know?" Tener lifted one hand above his head, and held the other by his knee. "I'm up here, and you are down here, right' And people tell me I'm crazy. You're a fuckin' trip."

In response, Colin lifted the bottle and tipped it towards his friend, along with a crooked grin and a shrug. "Why do you bother asking me questions you already know the answers to, man' You and I both know that there's a few things I actually worry enough about to care. This shit?" He paused and gestured around, taking in the airfields, the docks and the many, many buildings around him. This high up in the building, he could see the entirety of his 'empire', a contracting company, specializing in defense. That's the front, at least. "Nah, I don't care about this. We've lost it before, we rebuilt. And I sure as hell don't care about the people we work for. What the hell are they going to do, complain to customer service" Can't really complain about hiring someone for illegal work."

"Yeah. You care about money, pussy and winning. That's about it, and those things normally come hand in hand, right' Win, make money, get girl, and then win again, right?" The large man laughed, broad shoulders shaking with true amusement. As the laughter ended, he turned a serious stare back at Colin. "So man, tell me how someone like you ended up with someone, finally' Shit, back home, you kept a different girl in each country, if I recall correctly. God damned James Bond, all international and shit. Minus the legal part, I guess. You're a little less insane, so I guess that's a good thing."

For a long moment, Colin didn't answer with words. He simply nodded and faded off into a somewhat nostalgic glance, letting his mind wander back and forth through the various places. There'd been so many, so many stereotypical bars, so many stupid cruises, so many penthouses, and so much blood. He'd hid in someone's bed, quite literally. Hid his hatred, hid his anger and hid his loneliness by bouncing around, never giving any single person any hold. A few months ago, the thought of being weak in front of someone, of being open and not caring about the fallen walls would have terrified him. He'd have left that very day, make no mistake. After a time, he simply nodded. "Yeah, she's doing that, and I love it. You know, it's about time we grew up man. All that, it was fun, you know" Who cares when bullet fly, what the hell is the point' You might be dead tomorrow, so why plan for next year" Why care if you break a girl's heart, you won't be there to see it, you know" All that's for kids man, that's all for teenagers. I'm too old for that, and I know it. So do you. I'm a fan of the change, make no mistake. How'd I get her" Hell if I know man, but she's right over there, and I don't want her going anywhere, that's a fact." As he spoke, he turned and pointed to his place, framed in the window.

Tener's brows rose, quite confused. "She moved in?"

"No, she's just looking for a new place, and while she's doing that, she's staying with me, you know" Temporary thing." With the temporary word, he flashed a small frown and shrugged. He'd sooner it be for a long time.

"Yeah' So I guess it's workin' out pretty well?" His boss had never been one to bother with more then a few days, and it had been months. "I'm happy for you two, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I'm happy about it too, make no mistake. She's just..." He faltered there, at a loss for words, a very rare event. "She's what I want, you know" A little bit of everything, in the best kind of way. Funny, smart, caring, cute, sweet, understanding, realistic. Let's be real, look at her. That's more then enough on it's own, but nah, she's more then that." He shrugged, still not knowing how to explain her. "She does put a chain on my wilder flights. You know me, shoot from the hip and such."

Tener nodded, his dark face breaking into a wide grin. "Well man, I'm glad. You goin' out tonight, or are you gonna stay?"

"I'll probably stay, you know" I've got some stuff to wrap up, reports, and then I'll probably go home after that. Give me a call if you need, yeah?"

With that, Tener nodded and headed out. Colin remained in his pose, lazy as could be. Eventually, he reached for the stack of papers in front of him and began reading.