Topic: Bell, Book, and Candle

Daisy Sutton

Date: 2010-07-28 16:28 EST
The blue around the morning moon The colour of your eyes I remember holding you Fall through summer skies

They say it gets easier with time. Who they are, I don't know. They are always mentioned whenever people try to console or comfort me. But how do you mend a heart that breaks every time you wake up, and he's not there"

You're everything that I've become, every word I say I need a bell, book and candle to keep your ghost away

There memories are everywhere, the good and the bad. I see him whenever I look into my daughter's eyes, feel his prescence whenever I feel his child move within me. At times I feel as though I will never be whole again. And he knew I would feel this way.

White horses on a troubled sea Your smile will flash through time Up ahead a blackbird's wing Your hair will come to mind

We met ....oh, it seems an age ago, now. Six years. Such a big chunk of a lifetime, and yet it passed like a heartbeat to me. I was a wild child; the untameable, rebellious teenager who'd found a new life away from the stuffiness of home and tradition. I ran with the playboys and the models, the newest trends in music and fashion were always where I was. And then he came.

Every night I see your face when I have to pray I need a bell, book and candle to keep your ghost away

He was nothing special, at first. Just another photographer, shy and quiet, so out of place at the wild parties I frequented. He held my hair for my while I was sick in someone's azaleas the first time we met, and talked me down from a bad trip in another random someone's bathroom the second time. That's all it was, just talk. After that, whenever we saw each other, all we did was talk, to the exclusion of everyone else. And as we did, sharing our stories and hopes and dreams and fears, he tamed me. Like the people who break a horse to the bridle, Tom broke me to reality with a soft voice and gentle words.

Keep your ghost away, keep your ghost away I need a bell, book and candle to keep your ghost away

A year to the day after that first incongruous meeting, we were married. Just a small ceremony, with family and a few close friends; nothing like the huge bash the fashionable set would have demanded. But I didn't care about them anymore, and Tom had never cared. We had each other, and that was all that mattered.

Just before the thunder roars I sense you next to me And as I move through nature I know where you will be

And then a year later, we had Lizzy. Elizabeth May, named after both our mothers. Tradition had begun to seep into our little family, and I didn't mind. I can still see the look on his face when I told him he was going to be a father, and the trembling awe with which he held our daughter for the first time. I thought my life was perfect, that nothing could ever go wrong.

So I must keep myself apart,here is where I'll stay With a bell, book and candle to keep your ghost away

When I look back, the warning signs were all there. The fatigue that struck him at the worst times, the loss of appetite, the way he seemed to get thinner, more transparent, every day. When finally he went to the doctor, it was too late. The tumour was inoperable, and a Healing would only have killed him faster. We had four months together, four wonderful, terrible months. Then one night he went to sleep, and never woke up again. And my world fell down around me.

Keep your ghost away, keep your ghost away You need a bell, book and candle to keep your ghost away

The day I realised I was pregnant with his second child, a child he would never see, was the worst of my life. He's still here sometimes, I can feel him. The blue of my daughter's eyes, the rumpled pages in the book he never finished, the smell of his cologne. Just for a moment when I wake up, everything is fine; then my arm touches nothing but cloth, and the ache comes back. My life has fallen down to days, good days and bad days, and finally the good has begun to outweigh the bad.

The blue around the morning moon The colour of your eyes I remember holding you Fall through summer skies

There are still days when all I want to do is cry and rage at the world for doing this to me, at Tom for leaving me to cope with the life left to me all alone. But the anger is fading, taking the guilt with it, slowly. A day that is bad brings back all the memories, and the tears are never too far behind. Tom promised me that one day, when everything seemed hopeless, he would send an angel to help me get through. I know now that angel has a name ....Julian. He makes Lizzy happy, and makes me smile. And though I will never forget Tom and the wonder he brought to my life, it is time to set aside the past and look to the future, wherever it will take me.

You're everything that I've become, every word I say I need a bell, book and candle to keep your ghost away _________________ ((Italicised lyrics are Bell, Book, and Candle, by Eddie Reader.))