Topic: Duke Rage: Zero on Fire

Rix Favre

Date: 2009-03-08 22:18 EST
Author's note: I originally wrote the posts in this thread around the later half of the year 2000. I've decided to re-post them here because, hey, why not" Please excuse the weird formatting.



The marketplace was buzzing with the usual sorts. Dishonest vendors trying to get women to buy creams and oils which would make their skin perfect (forgetting this was RhyDin and that was already the case, that vendor was not very successful), men shouting as they attempted to hawk fake jewelry as authentic, and fortune tellers making things up off the top of their heads and having people believe it as a true prophecy.

It was here in the middle that Verceterix Favre was, looking in awe at a magic act. The magician was quite good as he did the usual tricks from levitation to using his magical powers to destroy an infidel. He was currently endowing an insect with magical powers, for reasons beyond all human comprehension. At least, that's what he told the group watching him. More likely it was just to show off he could make pretty lights that had the crowd oohing and aahing.

And when he was finished, he opened his palm to show the little insect hadn't changed one damn bit. The crowd quickly turned on him, the pretty lights all but forgotten, and they soon dispersed. Rix was among them, and he went about his merry way, giving the magician a pat on the shoulder as he passed. As the magician threw his arms up in disgust, the little insect, a spider actually, was flung on to Rix's shoulder.

The arachnid made its way to Rix's neck, and seemed prepared to bite his host. After all, it was just lit up like the Red Dragon Inn is when all the women's creamy white thighs are exposed, and the spider needed to take its frustration out on something. And just as its little mouth opened and neared the flesh at Rix's neck . . .

Whack!

Apparently Rix had bumped into a passerby, and when he uttered his usual "Excuse me, sir" the amazon warrior did not take kindly to it. So she smacked him across the neck.

"Geez, she was more built than I am," Rix muttered to himself as he rubbed his stinging neck, "and her breasts were smaller than usual for the women around here. How was I supposed to know she wasn't a guy?"

So Rix continued through the marketplace on his search for a gift for Ally, and the Amazing Spider-Rix was never to be born.

Rix Favre

Date: 2009-03-10 01:41 EST
"What the hell is this?"

"Dat iz und sooper seecret formuula, heir Heywood!"

Rix peered oddly at the man with the weird accent. He was short, about 4'5" and had this strange little black mustache. He wore a military uniform of some sort.

"Riiight," disbelief in his voice as Rix inspected the vial filled with the colored liquid, "What does it do?"

"Eet makes you und suuper soldier, heir Heywood!"

"Stop calling me that. What exactly is a super soldier?" Rix looked down, way down at the hyper little man.

The man jumped up and down, like a tick. "Eet eez de peenaccle of huuman perrfection, heir Heywood!"

Rix swore the man's accent was changing by the moment.

"You may try zome, eef you wish, heir Heywood!"

Rix looked at the serum once more. It seemed to be swirling with the colors red, white, and blue. He then shrugged, closed his eyes, put the vial to his lips, and tipped his head back to let the liquid into mouth.

It took less than one half of a quarter of a second for Rix to spit the serum out. All over a passerby, as well. Rix muttered and apologized before quickly scurrying from the table.

The man, a scrawny blond-haired soldier in the RhyDin army, stood behind and wiped his mouth. The serum had seeped into God (or, in RhyDin speak, goddesses) know where. His mouth, up his nose, his eyeball, through his ear, wherever.

The blond-haired man gave a look of disdain to the hyper little crazy military fellow before striding away. He seemed to be getting larger with each passing second . . .

He would later become the man known as Captain RhyDin, who, with the help of his sidekick Ducky, fought evil forces all throughout the land and was generally accepted as a hero to the populous.

Rix, on the other hand, still couldn't find a good present for Ally. And his search continued . . .

Rix Favre

Date: 2009-03-12 00:23 EST
As Rix approached a table that showed promise — a table full of jewelry that was neither flashy nor expensive — he was pulled to the side by a green man about three feet tall. Apparently, tiny vendors were drawn to him by sheer gravitational force. The green man yanked Rix down to his level.

"Yo man, that ain't the place to buy jewelry, yo," the green man spoke in a conspiratorial whisper.

"Yeah' Why's that?" Rix raised an eyebrow to the little fellow.

" 'cuz, bro, I gots da goods." The little green man opened his jacket, showing off an impressive collection of neon rings.

Rix furrowed his brows as he looked at the selection. "Those look pretty tacky," he said, looking over the bright shining jewelry.

"Yo, but they give you powers, yo," the green man's voice lowered as he imparted Rix with this secret, "try it out."

Rix's eyes brightened. It was as if someone had just promised they'd take him to the RhyDin fair to see all the clowns. He snatched a ring, and twisted on to his pinkie finger. It only went halfway.

"How does it work?" Rix asked, he seemed to be bouncing.

The green man smiled, "Yo, you just gotta peep out somethin' with yo' mind, yo."

Rix closed his eyes, his tongue popping out of the side of his mouth as he concentrated. Suddenly, a large neon purple hand appeared in the air, it was, of course, making an obscene gesture. Rix opened his eyes as he looked at it.

"It's beautiful," he whispered, wiping a tear from his face.

"Yeah. Though if you buy it, you gotta buy tha power source," the little man produced a toilet bowl cleaner from behind his back.

Rix's nose wrinkled as he caught the smell permeating the air. "Where does that power come from?"

"Cleanin' toilets, o' course. Tha dirtier tha better," the green man flashed his pearly whites to Rix, trying to convince him it wasn't as bad as it sounded.

Of course that was an impossible task, and Rix flung the ring back at the man. Rix thought the ring had a strange smell to it, and now it would take weeks to get off. as Rix walked back to the table selling normal jewelry, he thought that maybe he could find someone to wipe his pinkie on for a small feeling of satisfaction . . .

Rix Favre

Date: 2009-03-14 02:48 EST
"Yeah, she'll like this," Rix said with a nod as he inspected the silver bracelet he had bought from the marketplace. It was amazing how some vendors would budge on their original prices when confronted by an irritated seven foot tall man with a stinky finger — especially when the vendor was lifted off his feet and shaken like a bottle of juice.

Rix set the necklace on the bedside table before going on search for gift-wrapping. Figuring there would be some leftover beneath the bed, he moved to his knees and peered into the darkness. Seeing a glint of white, he reached his arm beneath the bed, stretching for the paper.

Rix furrowed his brows as he closed his fingers around the object. It certainly wasn't leftover wrapping paper. Pulling it from beneath the bed, he saw a box-shaped object wrapped in old Christmas paper. Rix blew and a cloud of dust flew from the top, revealing a note.

A puzzled expression came to Rix's face as he read the note.

Merry Christmas, Rix. Thank you for all of your help. You've been a very good boy. Santa PS You look like a moron when you wear that red and green outfit and the shoes with bells. But if you want any more presents in the future, you have to wear it. Ho ho ho.

"Fat little son of a bi — " Rix muttered as he tore the wrapping from the gift like a small child.

Under the wrapping was a box, duh. Rix took the lid from the box, blinking as he saw what Santa had left him. An earring and instruction manual for it. Rix's fingers plucked the earring from the box, and he freely muttered obscenities involving Santa, his reindeer, and a certain region of Santa's backside.

The instruction manual weighed about five pounds, yet all the pages save the first were blank. "For right ear use only," Rix read aloud, a hint of confusion in his voice. Rix thought Santa was crazy if he expected him to wear an earring, and he attempted to fling it back into the box.

The only problem was, he couldn't. Rix seemingly could not control his actions as the ring moved closer and closer to his right ear lobe. There was no cover for the pointed end, and it simply pierced through the skin and cartilage — but there was no pain. having regained control of his arm, Rix tried to pull the earring out, but it simply would not budge.

He rose from his knees, immediately looking toward the mirror atop the bedroom dresser. A frown came to Rix's lips as he saw himself with an earring. He looked like a complete idiot, as opposed to looking like half of one as he usually does.

It was decided at that very moment that Santa's goal in life was to humiliate and, most likely, kill Rix. Or at least drive Rix to leaping off a very large cliff.