The following is a journal of the experiences I've had while working for a certain company. I assure you they are the absolute truth, or at least the truth as I remember it. These tales have not been embellished in any way, for it is my belief that they need no embellishment. To protect the reputation of the company, I choose not to reveal their name at this point.

* * * * "Welcome to Walmart," I said with mock enthusiasm, "How are you today?" I asked as if I cared.

"Oh, I suppose I'm doing okay," said the latest faceless member of the unending stream of people that came through my line. "How about you?"

I shrugged as I turned my attention to the mound of products heaped onto the small conveyer belt that lay before me. As I began my dreadful task of ringing up the multitude of items the man wished to purchase, I glanced up at the clock. 8:05. Terrific. I had been here a whole five minutes so far. That meant I only had nine hours and fifty five minutes until I was allowed to go home. With great woe, I continued checking the man out.

As the day progressed mind began to wander, and I checked people out without conscious thought. 'Do penguins get married"' I thought to myself. 'What did the seven dwarves do with all the diamonds they gathered"' The minutes crept by, and I stored up my boredom like a flood of water held in check by a flimsy wooden dam. Finally, as I watched the woman in front of me dig through her purse for a twenty cent coupon, the dam broke.

"Young man, what?s the big idea of making me wait like this"! I've been standing here...." I tuned her out. It was amazing how long she could continue without taking a breath. "And furthermore...." she continued.

"Mam, there seems to be a stampede of water buffalo behind you." She didn't even blink, as she continued her tirade.

"Mam, is that your husband over there hitting on those two high school girls?" Again there was no response, save her unending complaints. Giving up, I scanned her potato chips and batteries. "That will be $8.34"

Without even pausing or breaking eye contact, she took the money out of her purse and thrust it at me. "And your vest doesn't even match your shirt!" she continued, "Not to mention...." I handed her the receipt and she walked away, still shouting. She didn't even take notice of the horde of buffalo, now grazing behind her.

"Hi, welcome to Walmart!" I said, as I turned to face the latest customer.

"Man, people like that should be shot!" the lady said, referring to her predecessor, who's shouts could still be heard from the parking lot.

I looked at the lady, "Actually, mam, that was my mother."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize."

"Yeah, she's been going through a rough time since my father died last month."

"Oh dear!"

"What makes it worse is that he left all his money to his mistress, and due to his gambling debts the bank had to foreclose on the house."

"Oh, I'm so sorry!"

"Then last week when my younger sister joined a brothel, Mom kind of snapped. She was forced to put my little brother up for adoption. She probably sold a few pints of blood just so she could afford those chips and batteries. But she should be okay," I paused, "Unless she heard what you said. That might have made her start drinking again."

"Oh! I'm so very sorry!" the woman sobbed, as she ran, crying, from the store.

"Have a nice day!" I shouted after her.

"Certainly, mam," I said, as I set my light to flashing. "It should be just a moment." With that, I sat back and waited for the CSM to appear. (For those of you fortunate enough to have never worked for this particular company, CSM stands for Customer Service Manager. They're the supervisors over the checkout lanes. All day long they stand behind a little podium in front of the registers. The only time there not behind the podium is when you need help. When that happens, strangely enough, they're nowhere to be found. At any rate back to the story:)

We sat there waiting. I tapped my feet and checked my watch. We waited. Finally, I gave up. Quickly, I scribbled something down on a piece of paper, and ripped it into pieces. "Mam, I'll be right back," I said. And with that I went off in search of the CSM.

After a long and tiresome hunt, I finally found him crouched behind a display of cereal boxes. Panic struck his face, as I discovered his hiding spot. "Oh, Jeremy. I didn't notice your light flashing. What's the problem?"

"The lady in my line tried to pay with these," I responded, as I handed him five pieces of notebook paper, which I had scribbled $20 on.

"Okay," he said, "I'll talk to her."

We marched back to my lane, and the CSM confronted the customer, who had dozed off.

"Mam," he said, as he poked at her.

"Huh, wha?" she replied as she woke up.

"Mam, I'm afraid we can't accept your money here."

"I honestly had no idea it was fake."

The CSM rolled his eyes. "We believe you mam. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Am I in any trouble?" the lady asked.

"No mam. Just next time bring real money, okay?" The lady shot him a dark look, then walked away.

"Have a good day," I said, as I crumpled up his receipt. "Now then, where were we?" I asked, as I turned back to the next customer. An angry old lady, who looked kind of like a wrinkled potato, stood before me.

"Young man," the potato began, "I've been waiting in your line for nearly an hour."

"My apologies, mam. It's been very hectic today."

"I demand to speak to your manager."

"I'm sorry mam, he's not here today."

"What's his name, then?"

"Who's name?" I had been imagining what the lady would look like with a glob of sour cream on her head.

"Your manager's name!" she said angrily. "Of all the stupid, no good"." Her muttering trailed off.

"Certainly, mam," I said, "My manager's name is Beelzebub."

"What"!"

"Beelzebub, mam. That's B-E-E"."

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

"I'm sorry mam, I don't follow you."

"You honestly mean to tell me that your manager is named Beelzebub?"

"Yes mam. That's right. Frank Beelzebub."

"Frank?" the puzzled lady said, "So you're not saying that your manager is the Prince of Darkness?"

"Prince of Darkness?" I repeated. "Oh, no mam, you're thinking of Phil."

"Phil," the potato lady responded.

"Yes mam. Phil owns Frank. He owns all of us really. It's a standard clause in the Walmart contract. Upon beginning work here, you sign your eternal soul over to Phil."

The potato lady looked at me in silence. I imagined her standing next to a man with a head shaped like a T-bone. Finally, she shouted, "Young man, I demand to speak with whoever's in charge here!" That's when I grew tired of her. The lady continued, "If you think you can jus"."

The man who stood before me was demanding, rather loudly, that the VCR he was buying should be seventeen cents cheaper than it was ringing up. I was too worn out to make him disappear, so instead, I focused my energies on myself.

It took a minute before anything happened. Then, suddenly, my arm grew dark green, as scales replaced my skin. A forked tongue darted out of my mouth. My clothes ripped apart, as my body stretched and grew. A snout stretched out before my eyes, and a powerful tail emerged behind me. I had transformed into a seven foot tall lizard man.

The customer stood frozen, as I leapt across the register. I lifted him above my head, and gave out a mighty roar. Then, quickly, I devoured the man.

As I turned, people ran, screaming, from the lane. Only the most stubborn stayed, those who refused to leave before they had purchased their laundry detergent. A single blast of fiery breath made even them flee.

With great glee, I ran through the store, pouncing upon unsuspecting victims. A kid rushed out of the sporting goods section; a football helmet on his head. He charged at me, madly waving a titanium bat above his head. Reaching out, I crushed the bat as if it were paper. One quick blow from my mighty tail sent the boy flying to the far end of the store.

Once outside, I ran around the corner and shrunk back to my normal form. I couldn't help but feel proud as I looked at the chaos I had caused. With my newfound sense of pride, I walked back into the store.

Soldiers could still be seen lying everywhere. Bricks had fallen from the walls and ceiling, and lay scattered around the store. The fire system had been activated, and sprinklers sprayed water down on the mess. The CSM still stood behind his podium. I walked up to him. "I seem to have misplaced my nametag," I said, "Could you tell me if you see it'

He turned to look at me; his hair damp, and glasses cracked. "Jeremy," he said, "We've had over seventy five complaints about you tonight alone."

"Seventy five?" I echoed in disbelief.

"That's even more than Hitler got when he worked at Walmart."

"Hitler worked here?"

"Yeah, before the war. When he left, he said his time at Walmart had been inspirational."

"I never knew that," I said.

"At any rate, I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go."

"You mean I'm fired?"

"I'm afraid so," the CSM said.

I raised my hands high into the air, and threw my head back. "Victory!" I bellowed. Out of nowhere the Hallelujah chorus began to play. My head held high, I began my march to the door. As I walked by, one of the other checkers threw her hands together. Then, others began to clap. Soon, all the employees stood in applause. As I stood before the door, I turned and bowed. Then, I turned back and marched out into freedom.