December into January 2003
Earth
Woodstown, NJ/Manhattan, NY
"I met someone."
Ma's breath was full of trepidation. Of course it was. Her son was a fucking addict and every time the phone rang and the number on the caller ID was from a foreign and far away place she had to live in constant terror that it was a doctor, sheriff, or police officer telling her some awful news. Some terrible accident, stupid decision, or overdose. She had picked up and said "Hello?" Just before I dropped that on her door step. Her voice wavering like it did every time I called from a landline in a place she had never heard of.
"Jo?" The fallout when she breathed my name surged. That simple break in the constant timbre of her voice coursing with an overwhelming tempest and tumult. I'd done so well over the years filling all the bits of myself left unrecognizable, shattered, and empty with alcohol and drugs that the emotion, the guilt, no longer even pulled me beneath the surface.
A loner adrift. And the Captain would gladly go down with his ship.
Just my luck. Because that breath and ensuing uneasy silence gave me enough time to ruffle through my effects, pull my lighter out of my pocket, flick it open and light another cigarette. The nicotine deep down in my lungs soothing enough for me to go on.
"I met someone."
She was still too shocked to say anything. So she didn't.
"And I'm doing my best to fuck it up."
That last frame faded into a haze of others. Sorry folks. That's all I remember of that one.
The trees were barren and somehow, the earth was quiet. Gray and cold. If only some frozen rain would fall then I could say it was mourning. I would never get used to it even if I had spent a few winters experiencing it. But the best I could say about the northeast in winter was that the world wasn't mourning, but in grief. Wallowing in it. A moribund pall where Mother Earth was content to wear dull tones that rarely varied.
The sun would come out of course eventually, beaming down bright and sometimes even blinding. Especially to a guy who loved to spend his nights in dark spaces hiding from it. But it was so cold you would never feel it. Then before you even knew it, it was setting again. If you were like me you would fall asleep just before it came out and wake up without having to see it. Without having to rue that warmth you couldn't feel when the world outside was all single digits and people hurrying to get back indoors. To their homes and their loved ones.
Maybe it's why I hovered outside, practicing, and paced back and forth. I pontificated to no one in particular at the end of that cigarette. I rationalized and explained everything away with logic and cold hearted facts. This day was about to fade out of the frame and blur into another. The sun threatening above the horizon. But when the door opened and I heard her voice" I forgot it all in a blink.
Forget this lug. This idiot. This fool. I didn't have a word or the words to tell you about her eyes or fair skin. I couldn't find a turn of phrase to explain that even in that stained white apron, and that horrible uniform the Greek owner of this place made her wear, that doe eyed look, that bright smile, it killed every last thing I was about to tell her. Every last cold hard 100% honest fact about why, 4 months later, this almost official thing was bad for her.
"Hey." Was all I could say, looking down, hoping she wouldn't notice the most recent bruise threatening to blossom just beneath my right eye.
Exhausted, but her smile wasn't in the least. Not even in her eyes. That queasy feeling started in my stomach again. I knew I should have eaten before I stopped to pick her up. No. I didn't see that. I didn't see her shift from exhausted to suddenly excited and energetic. That was me just being overly hopeful.
I might have hesitated each time but she didn't. She stepped, almost hopping to close the distance. There was no need to do anything more than tilt my head forward just that little bit to rest it against the top of hers. She was in against me, securing her arms underneath my shoulders, pressing every last bit she could into my chest. "Hey you." Was her own quiet response.
And she fit right there so well. But this time it was her cheek against my bare chest. I flipped the channels unable to get to sleep even with the sun shining bright and cold behind the blackout curtains of this most recent motor lodge. She had no problem though.
For a moment I admired how I could see the contrast between our skin tone even in the subtle light of another Turner Classics marathon. I moved her hair away from her face and forehead. "Darlin"." I spoke quietly enough that I hoped she heard me in her subconscious. "This is going to be the worst decision of yer life."
She knew. There was no hiding the empty bottles in the trash or the smell of whiskey on my breath every morning so I could hold the shakes at bay. It wasn't an elephant in the room. Or a dirty little secret. Maybe all she needed at that point in her life was for a drunken mess to love her. And I did. God I did. I just denied it with such fervor and routine that it started to replace my bedtime prayers.
The funny thing was as many times as I wanted to. As many times I tried and practiced to my steering wheel I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to ruin it even when I knew I should. The right opportunity hadn't presented itself, I rationalized.
Or maybe...
I wanted to try. Those nights I spent at the bar of her greasy spoon just off the Jersey Turnpike I purposely slowed myself down. When I first started frequenting this place it was to get a bit of breakfast in my stomach on top of all the booze that was frothing away. Now I was pacing myself. A whiskey on the rocks here. A shot there. I'd try to let as much time pass as I could. I'd prove them all wrong. Getting yourself sober wasn't dangerous if you knew how to slowly get what was trying to kill you out of your system.
The trainers at the gym were amazed at my ability to make it every morning at 5 am right on time. Always telling the other guys who were a minute or two late that Jo, the beast, managed to show up on time every day. Sometimes even early. What they didn't know is that I just wasn't sleeping after I dropped her off at home so she could go back to being mom and I could go back to trying to sweat out this endless, uncaring void. Maybe they smelled the booze in every drop of sweat I left on that floor but they never commented.
But then" The opportunity to fuck it all up presented itself.
The great part about being in the middle of nowhere and the only area of this armpit of a state that was cheap was that the hole in the walls" Literally had holes in their walls. I don't think I'd seen a nastier bathroom with more writing all over the walls. That entire thing about weaning. Going slow. Sweating it out. It all went out the window. We were only a few short years away from texting becoming the main method of communication, but not so far away that cell phones weren't small enough to fit in a pocket and be affordable. I flipped mine open and without even looking at the buttons I dialed.
It rang a few times. Deep down I was hoping it wouldn't go to voicemail. But in this fugue state I rationalized that it would, and there was nothing wrong with the number I was dialing, who I was calling, and my intentions.
"Mr. Nagadari." That voice on the other end oozed and simmered every last bit of seduction and poison I had never needed in my life.
I know I slurred something in response. I was borderline blackout. But the rest of it was a mess. A tumble of confessions and emotions I knew didn't belong to her. There was only one reason why she answered. Only one reason why she empathized with me. And when the headache was gone, when I was done hovering over this disgusting toilet and retching out the rest of it, why she agreed to meet tomorrow at a high class hotel in Manhattan.
But you know what they say right' Let the man who's free from sin cast the first stone in and begin the violence.
"Hey." I hoped my voice didn't have that digital quality to it but I wouldn't know. It was still jarring not to hear yourself when you spoke into the receiver like you did on a landline.
"Hey you." It had been a few days. I don't know how many. I hadn't slept since. I don't know how she managed to say it without accusation. Without judgment. Without hating me as much as I hated myself. I hoped that after however many days it had been without me sitting at the bar at her work she might have started to. In fact every time I blew another rail of what Rachelle had called "Molly" I was almost able to hallucinate all the exact things she would say to me. Doe eyed and vulnerable even if she didn't want anyone to see it or know it. I'm so sorry Faye. Maybe that's what I should have said first.
Maybe it had only been one and she wasn't wondering where I was at all, but just thought I didn't want to stop by the restaurant for the night. That would have been out of place for our thing. We hadn't put any titles on it, right'
So why did I feel so revolted with myself when Rachelle raked her nails over my back muscles. Why couldn't I, even in the throes of what these kids were calling the purest ecstasy, get it up so we could have our few days of fun, fucking, and forgetting"
Everything about Rachelle was something any man would have killed to possess. The kind of good looks that spoke of a family with wealth marrying better looking mates over and over again until that evolved into the girl who stood in front of me. Five foot ten, killer stomach muscles, blonde hair that had never seen a cheap shampoo, and that wide but secretive smile. She had learned early on that looks, money, and power could get you anything you wanted. And with Rachelle she could have gotten by on just looks alone. Pinpoint pinpricks portrayed a portrait of exhilarating sensation over my bare skin when she used those soft supple hands that had never seen a day of work to massage my shoulders. God bless her grandfather or great grandfather for finding whoever it was who had that bone structure. If I pointed her out in a crowd and told even my closest friend that we regularly met up, got high, got naked, and lost ourselves in all those hours they would have called me a bold faced liar.
"You were in love with me after that second night, weren't you?"
She spoke it with that smile. Everything in her eyes pleased. Oh she wasn't asking because she didn't know. She wasn't asking because she felt the same or even wanted to feel the same. She was asking because this is what the wrong kind of daddy issues did. The old man was too old to have time for her and never told her she was beautiful, great, or that he loved her. And now Rachelle was going to get every last man to do that in his place. Even the ones who she knew she would never, couldn't ever, feel the same for.
"What was it?" Why did I give her that cigarette to smoke" Her bare breasts swayed as she gestured towards stage right with her fingers secured around the filter. "You were there already drunk. Lonely. Not horny. No. Maybe it was the first time you were in the type of bar where no one your age should be drinking, but then the a young woman walked in and she didn't try to steal glances of your physique and dark good looks. Did that bother you about me until I came up to the bar and you paid for my drink" Or were you just tired of all those dumpster sluts you met in the mid-west?"
"Was it because I saw right through your act' The boots, the trench coat' That accent' Was it because I saw who you were after that first night we spent together" Was it because for the first time in a long time someone saw right through the bullshit to you?"
Huh.
You know what they say, right' Let the man whose words ring true speak on up till his voice breaks through the silence.
I couldn't disagree. Somewhere between trying to impress her father by going to med school, failing out, and her last trip to rehab Rachelle had learned all the same hard lessons I had learned. The only difference was when she hit rock bottom there was plenty of cash to cushion her fall.
I couldn't respond. I didn't want to respond. This was the fucked up part about all these chemicals I got lost in over and over again. Visual creatures we are, only able to think with our hind brains, that dazzlingly sultry fashion the way her lips shaped the words, and the fact that every last drag of these menthols felt amazing, I couldn't break myself from the trance. I traced the curves in her body once, then twice, and she cupped my chin in both hands and kissed me hard.
She guided me back to the sheets with a subtle bump of her hip against my stomach. All the muscles flexed and cringed. I reached out to find a bottle because I didn't want to remember. Maybe the word I should use is I flailed. I flailed out with a desperate arm to find the one thing that always helped me forget. I flailed along the surface while the undertow pulled me beneath and made me gasp desperately between every kiss and the rush of blood that sped up my heartbeat and filled my ear drums. There was nothing graceful or sexy about my sputtering breaths while she repeatedly, and forcefully, pushed me back down beneath the surface until I was completely submerged.
Pray for me. Again. I knew the words, but couldn't say them.
Oh Lord, let the ones who lose their way live to see just one more day in the sunshine.
And let the ones who choose to stray figure out the price they'll pay in their lifetime.
Amen.
The first thing I thought to do the next morning was call.
I didn't bother to hide in the bathroom of the suite Rachelle had graciously secured for the drugs I'd bought. I probably could have with the size of that room and how far away everything was. Instead I had stolen a key card from the nightstand, taken the elevator to the busy mid-town Manhattan street, and paced the sidewalk to the corner and back smoking a cigarette. The great thing about phones at that point in time was since they did nothing but make calls the battery life was amazing.
The first ring went through, and then I heard the tail end of the phone's actual bell before she picked up.
"I left town."
"I know."
"Your kid. I can't ever meet him like this. It's unfair for me to tell you how I really feel and I am so far away from being unfucked up. I can't play the leper and you play the healer. You have to concentrate on that kid too much to have a guy in your life you can never introduce him to that you have to fix."
"I know.."
"I know you do doll. Its why you never said a word about it. It's why you never asked or begged. It's why you never offered to take me to meetings or one of those skid row rehabs. It was always our quiet little understanding, wasn't it?"
She didn't answer. I could only hear her breathing heavy, stunted, on the other end.
"You..you take care of yerself. Okay' Don't let anyone treat you the way I did, okay' Yer always gonna be too good for that."
Hitting the button with the red telephone was a lot less satisfying than hanging up. I hit it a few times in a row but it still wasn't terminal.
I let the doorman, probably just coming on his shift, hold the door open for me to walk into that huge marble laden lobby. The elevators wouldn't let me above the first floor without swiping my key card. When I did the reader beeped at me and blinked red. I tried a few times, then at another elevator before I stepped to the front desk.
"Can I help you, sir?" The desk worker was kind enough but he could tell I was out of place.
"Yeah boss, my card isn't working in the elevator reader. Room 8088."
"I can fix that for you. Let me just swipe your card?"
I handed it over and looked down at my watch. It was 5:30. How did my cigarette and that phone call take half an hour"
"I'm sorry sir, but it says you've already checked out at 5:10. Was that a mistake?" I'm not sure if I looked more confused or he did.
I looked out, to the street, then to him again.
"No, yer right. I did."