Topic: Lerida

Lerida · Date: 2008-05-04 09:23 EST

I've only the ink, and my breaths, to steer me now.

My heart has bent, and my soul is bruised, but I am in repair.

I just got home from Stitchs', and I feel great, but very alone. I have wondered what I might say to him to make him understand me, I've never explained myself, I've never been asked to stay. I wonder, if I were to give up the road, would he give up the girls" Part of me returned because I could feel him, I could feel his want. Is that enough for me to stay, is it"

Something has turned over in me, something is not the same. I find no leisure in the road. I have not written music for months, and I haven't bedded anyone since him. He has not only my eye, but my heart, and yet I cannot tell him so, I fear it, I fear I am not worth all the pretty little things that love him too, that I am not his sunset, his sunrise, that he won't stay when I am paralyzed by the paranormal influence of a Saturday night heaven scorch that blazes through me and makes me want to run. I am haunted by my past, it sticks to me like a heavy fog, and yet I am stronger than I was, and afterall, I am back here, bags unpacked, I have drawers and cabinets filled with my life. I am to stay.

I harbour such resentment at myself, which I am slowly allowing to dissolve. I want to be a good woman. I want to know I can stay here. I think I run, partly, because others keep doing it to me, and partly because I have known no other life.

Walking to a gas stop at sixteen and hitch hiking since then kind of stays with you. Bars and the desert, bad luck and dead love I have known sorely. But I do believe, with all my heart, that something is changing. I don't feel so melancholy anymore.

I am going to speak to Stitch about this all, everything I have down here, just so he knows, but I won't do that yet, I can't, I can't take on too much so soon. The dust has to settle, and I have to stay there, here, when it does.

I have to visit Cilla, I miss that woman so.

I need to stay away from the road. I need to forget.

I need to know Viki is ok. Little chasin' colours in her skirt. I need to know that life can be safe.

Lerida · Date: 2008-05-04 19:32 EST

I stayed inside all morning and all afternoon, I didn't feel nothin' like I did when I pulled up at the Dragon last night. I left my ride outside to walk with Stitch home..

I need to go pick that piece of rust up at some point.

I got out my guitar and shined it up some, and then did the same with the revolver. I've never used the damn thing. Might go hock it at the Market. I only ever wanted it because I thought it a pretty little lady, with her pearl handle.

I'm goin' to hit the town again tonight to lift my spirits some. I stay around indoors like some heartwrenched kitty and it gets me no where. I need to meet some new people, maybe even get behind the bar and have a laugh. I need to learn to be a friend, too. Poor Cilla, Poor, Poor Cilla. Girl gets my heart into knots.

I wrote a song though. I wish I knew how to find the words to fill it.

I began a letter to Deni, as well. We divorced months ago but he seems to think I want to go on the road again and be a performer. That life is nothin' but hard work for no real gain. It tires me out these days. The crowds and their dulled eyes and wan smiles. Feel like you're shootin' for sad stars.

I'm doin' better though. Maybe better than I ever have. Got my head on straight. Got a fire burnin' out there for me in the world.

Lerida · Date: 2008-05-04 21:49 EST

I went for a walk into town, stayed away from the busy spots, stopped by the shore, sat on a few benches, tried to relax. And I managed to. The sky is like some giant hole, it's a window to space. It makes me miss Moscow, and Desdichado when I look upon it.

I've been thinking of Guth a lot today. That man is fascinating. I always meant to thank him for taking me out of the inn the night I was being harassed. I think sometimes that him and I read one another too well. Something passed between us, I think he knows.

I received a post card from Boot Hill. I might take a trip there when Summer comes around.

I might even ask Stitch if he wants come along.

Marban was sold to a farmer and his family. I hope they have happier times in that land than I ever did.

Lerida · Date: 2008-05-05 01:10 EST

She walks in, switches the light, takes a few steps and shuts her eyes. She begins to unbutton her jacket, her shirt, and in only black flared skirt and bra, she crosses for the bathroom. In that tiled, cold room, she grabs a washer, dampens it and holds it to her face, her throat, her chest, and lets out a long sigh. She was exhausted.

The last settlement had been struck with the Waiver family, and now she had a bit more in the bank she felt a lot less tense, but not any less alone. She turns around and slips her bottom beside the sink, swings her legs and shuts her eyes. A hand rises and fingers unfurl to clutch weakly her neck. She was tired of being alone. Of coming back to unlit apartments and sitting down to lonely dinners, to the company of furniture, all the rooms she was intimate with, all the shadows in her dresses, the net and lace of a shirt, how she sat there, riveted by the feel of silk against her skin, silently sensual and aching.

But it was nothing to the touch of someone who loved you. Where electricity leaped from finger to breast, to lips, to hip, where someone wanted to find you, unravel you, care for you, need you, respect you, desire you, never lose you.

She slipped down from her marble perch to head back into the lounge, nails drifted along the walls at her side, until she found the balcony, and the all too distant world outside.

She longed to be apart of it. To be the one at the table by the fire with the family and the candles and a heart full of satisfaction.

Lerida · Date: 2008-05-09 05:11 EST

I've spent my days between the Inn Stitch keeps for occasions like these, and his place, with a day or two out in Marban to finalise the payments.

Things are shaping up nicely, and as I write these words I feel a certain contentment in being able to do so.

For so many months I walked along feeling lonely. Between the circus, the saloons, Rhy'Din, my lost lover Valcroix and the continuing saga with Mish, my heart was scattered. I never felt like a single piece. My attentions were divided and so too was my heart. I came to realise at the very end of that stretch of forlorn road just who I was and how I was nothin' but a distraction for these people, these scenarios, I was just a way in and a way out. I never want to be that way again.

So when I get back to town and Stitch runs up to me, we share a drink and I see the look in his eyes, and know my heart is racin' more than a little better, I can't help but melt a little and realise that I got to take this on board, here is someone who is thinking about me, loving me, someone I can really talk to, who knows what it's like to be a little crazy for the world and the art that it has, to want and need and breathe like I do. He takes the same shortcuts and backroads that I do....I can't pretend that I don't feel the same, that I don't think about our similarities when I'm on the road.. but now, I gotta go.