Topic: A Heart's Longing

Juliana de La Roche · Date: 2016-01-13 07:27 EST

((Contains reference to adult activities.))

April 2nd, 1615

As beautiful as Arindale was, as much as she loved those who lived there and those who had visited for the joyful occasion of the duke's son's birth, there was sadness in Juliana de La Roche as she retired to the rooms she shared with her husband, Joslin, on the second night after that birth. She was happy for her friend, there was no doubt of that; delighted, too, that her brother would be a father before the year's end. But seeing her Jos holding a newborn babe in his arms, and the swelling promise of a new life at Justine's waist ....these only reminded her of what she had failed to do.

She was a lady; her only real purpose was to provide her husband with heirs. Justine had quickened with child easily, yet Juliana remained seemingly barren, her heart hurting each month when she bled with the proof that she had once again failed her beloved Joslin. Tonight, she had pleaded weariness to escape the gathering around the cradle, changing to her nightgown and robe to brush out her hair as she avoided her own gaze in the mirror. Had she done something to offend the Goddess, or was she simply unfit to bear children"

It wasn't long after Juliana had made her escape that Joslin followed, knowing her well enough to suspect the real reason for her early retirement to their quarters. He slipped in through the door and quietly closed the door behind him, before his gaze swept the room for her presence. He had tried to console her and reassure her that their time would come. They had hardly been married more than a few months, and Justine had simply been luckier than them, but that didn't mean they couldn't have a child of their own.

She looked up, startled from her thoughts by the sound of the door, and, seeing his reflection in the glass, turned to look over at her husband. "Is everything well with you, love?" she asked him softly. "I did not mean to break the gathering so soon."

"I think perhaps I should be asking you that," he said, as he loosened the collar of his shirt. Now that they were alone, there was little need for decorum. "What is it that is troubling you, Jules" You know you can tell me anything," he said, gentling his voice as he stepped closer and went down on his knees in front of her, taking her hands between his.

She sighed softly, her smile tender for the care he showed to her as her hands folded into his grasp. "'Tis nothing but envy, my bonny," she told him with an honest heart. "I long to give you a child; a wee one to love for us both, and to prove to your Madame Matilde and her wee army of servants that I can fulfill my duty as a wife. I know it is too soon to worry, that we have all the time we may ever need. But Justine did not need time, and nor did Alys. I cannot help but be frightened that I am barren, and a poor choice for you, love."

Her confession did not surprise him, knowing her as he did, but where she might worry that she was barren, he was worried it was somehow his fault. "We are still young, Jules. There will be plenty of time for children, but even if we were to have none, I would still love you just as much as I love you today and for the rest of my days," he told her earnestly and honestly, dark eyes meeting hers.

"Aye, and I know it to my bones, my Jos, truly I do," she promised him, bending to touch her forehead to his. "As I love you and shall for all my days. But I cannot deny that my heart feels the pain each month when I bleed. Your people will not truly accept me until I have given you a son, and until that day, I am very alone in La Roche, Jos." She hurried to prevent him from taking the blame for that. "'Tis no fault of yours, aye, and you've no blame to take for it. Nor do I blame them - they see me a border lass, little more. I've to prove my place with them, and unless a plague were suddenly to strike them down that I could use my skills for them, my womb is all I have to offer them that proof."

"You are more than the future mother of our children, chere. I do not care what people think. You will prove yourself to them, whether we have children or not. They will come to know you as I know you. Matilde is already fond of you, oui" Has anyone been unfriendly to you? Tell me and I will set them straight. I do not wish you to be unhappy, ma cherie," he told her, touching a kiss to each of her hands in turn. He hoped she did not regret marrying him and giving up the freedom she'd enjoyed at Dunfayre, and was willing to do almost anything to make her happy.

"I am not unhappy, love," Juliana promised him with a soft smile. "'Tis being so close to two dear friends who have done their duty already that makes me so very aware that I have not. No one has been unkind to me, and I will find my place in La Roche, I swear it. But I don't want to dampen their joy with sad eyes, and I do not trust myself to keep my smile from slipping tonight."

"It is not your duty, Juliana," Joslin pointed out, though he knew most people - both noble and otherwise - would think differently. "I do not want you to give me a child because it's your duty," he said, holding her gaze with a solemn gaze of his own. "I want us to have a child together, to love and to cherish and to make us a family." In his mind, there was quite a difference between her merely giving him a child to continue his familial line and raising a child together in love.

"Och, love, duty is not the reason I would give you a child," she shook her head, her hands tightening about his as her eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Nor is my loneliness the reason I long for a babe of our own. I am envious, Jos, of the completeness they have found. I love you, and I do not think I could love you more if I were to try. But I do not want to see the disappointment in your eyes when I bleed. I do not want to let you down."

"Juliana, ma bien-aime," he started, cupping her face in his hands. "You could never disappoint me or let me down. You only disappoint yourself. Even if we never have children, I could not love you less." He sighed, his heart aching for her, seeing the tears in her eyes and knowing she was sad. "Perhaps we have been trying too hard. Perhaps we should trust the Goddess to give us a child when she deems us ready."

"Do you not want me any longer, Jos?" she asked him softly, afraid that her honesty had somehow turned his desire for her to nothing. She trusted his heart, but she did not know how a man's desires truly worked. "I'll not show sad eyes any more, I'll play my part. Do not leave my bed, love, I beg you. I couldnae bear it."

"Non, cherie, you misunderstand. Of course, I want you. I will always want you. I am only saying that perhaps we should love each other for the sake of loving and not only because we want a child," he tried to explain, fingers in gentle caress of her cheek. "I love you, Jules. I will always love you, but it pains me to see you sad. I only want you to be happy. Do I not make you happy at all?"

"Och, Jos ..." She slipped down from her seat, nestling into his arms as her own hands found their place cradling his cheeks. "I did not marry you for children. I do not love you for what you can give me in wealth and comfort. Were you the lowliest or the highest, were you or I cursed with barrenness, still I would love you. There is nothing on this earth that can make me happier than you, and nowhere I would rather be than in your company. I am not wholly sad. I am happier than most, and I will be happier still come the morn. But I will not lie to you, or to myself, and say that I would not be the most blessed woman to walk the world if I could but give you a child."

"I have no doubt that you will, love. Try to be patient, s'il vous plait. It will happen in time. I am sure of it. We must trust in the Goddess and in each other. Nothing will ever change my love for you. I swear it. Nothing." Even if they never had children, they would find a way to be happy and content with each other and be happy for their friends who had been so blessed.

She smiled faintly, guilt in her eyes for the cares she had laid on him in her own weakness. Her lips touched his softly as her fingers teased his hair. "I am sorry to have burdened you with this fear, love," she apologized to him. "But t'was better to run than to let those we love see me in such a way."

Juliana de La Roche · Date: 2016-01-13 07:29 EST

"Those we love would understand and love you no less," he told her, kissing her lips, her eyelids, her tears. "Perhaps there is some herb or tonic that might help you conceive?" he queried, not really knowing much about such things, but knowing she did. He would have asked his sister, but she was no more expert on such things as was he.

She sighed softly, nuzzling close to him. "I will look to the herb garden at home," she promised him softly, though she had hoped not to have to dose herself. Those tonics she did know were not gentle on the tongue, and she had not yet had much chance to expand La Roche's sparse medicinal gardens with those herbs she knew best how to use. "There are some ways, I am sure."

He didn't think a tonic was really necessary, but perhaps it would at least soothe her mind and heart to know they were doing everything in their power to conceive a child. "Why are we sitting on the cold floor?" he asked, with a smile as he pushed her hair back from the face he so loved, hoping to tease a smile from her.

She laughed softly, giving him more than the smile he hoped for as her hands slipped down to rest over his heart. "I wanted to be in your arms, my bonny," she told him with tender affection. "'Tis you who were on the floor when I did so."

"It would be more comfortable in our bed," he pointed out, though he made no move to get up off the floor just yet, circling his arms around her to hold her close. He wondered if he should make love to her, or if she only wanted to be held close.

"T'was it only worry for me that took you away from our friends, love?" she asked him quietly, uncertain if he truly wanted to stay with her when there was company and celebration to be had elsewhere in the castle with his sister and their friends.

"Not only worry. There is no one I love more than you, my Juliana. How can I be happy celebrating with them when I know you are here alone" My place is here with you. Oui, I am a knight of Francia and my duty is to king and country, but my heart rests always with you. Where you go, so go I. Your trouble is my trouble, your worries my worries; your happiness mine, too, to share, n'est-ce pas?" he asked just as quietly, his voice gentle and loving, his worries for her and her alone.

She closed her eyes, resting her forehead to his as she breathed him in. "Tha gaol agam ort," she murmured to him, old words in an old language that had long been forgotten by anyone but the borderlands, and even they remembered only those few words of it. "I love you, my Jos. All I am is yours."

He held her close, one hand stroking her back gently and soothingly as she rested her forehead against his, her words stirring his heart. Even if he didn't understand the words, he seemed to understand the feeling she put into them. "And I am yours, Jules, pour toujours," he murmured back, practically repeating the vows they'd made to the other when they'd wed. "Come to bed, cherie," he pleaded gently, fingers sliding through her silken fall of hair. "I would make love to my wife, if she will let me."

Blue eyes opened to meet his as her lips curved in a soft, teasing smile. "You're not wearing your boots to make love to your wife, I'm hoping," she murmured with a playful cast to her expression. "You can keep the dagger, but I'll not have mud in our bed." Laughing, she eased close, touching a kiss to his lips, then another, daring him to forego the bed entirely if she proved too tempting for him.

Her laughter was like music to his ears, and his heart soared to know he had eased some of trouble from her heart and mind. He returned her kisses, hands sliding inside her robe to find the soft, warm curves of his lady love. "I do not make love with my feet," he reminded her, teasingly, as his lips found her again and again.

She trembled under his touch, each time feeling that tender shyness she had felt the first time, if only for a moment before his hands grew warm through the thin cloth of her shift. "Aye, but you'll need your feet to get to the bed," she pointed out between those kisses traded back and forth, her fingers teasing the laces of his tunic open as she tasted his love in his kisses. "And you've a habit of forgetting they're still clothed when you bear me there."

"Then I will take them off," he replied, too distracted by her kisses to bother just yet, despite his claim. He might have made love to her right there, but it was cold on the floor and he didn't want to give her a chill. One more lingering kiss and he swept her up off the floor and into his arms to carry her to their bed.

She squeaked, her laugh lost in his kiss as he hoisted her up from the floor, no longer too timid to let him bear her about when the mood took him. Her fingers were gentle against his skin, stroking the line of his throat as her lips tasted his jaw, as loving today as she had been on the day of their wedding, and more accomplished besides.

He'd been almost timid with her then, afraid he'd hurt the gentle flower that was his wife, but months had passed since then, and they had grown more comfortable with each other, more confident in their lovemaking. Still, they had not made a child, despite their best efforts, but there was always the hope that this would be the night. As good as his word, he kissed her again as he laid her back on the bed, before hastily tugging the boots from his feet and kicking them carelessly aside.

Juliana giggled as he pulled away to pull off his boots, deeply amused that one small tease could have him make a point of baring his feet as she lay back against the pillows, watching him with loving eyes. He had only grown in her estimation over the months of their marriage, more handsome with each day that passed in the knowledge that he loved her. Better, she knew his mind with more ease now; she had seen the love he bore for his household and the people within it, and the love they gave him in return. She knew now, better than she had before, how deeply her knight husband's compassion ran for anyone less fortunate than they, and she loved him all the more for it.

As much as he loved his people, there were only two people who truly held his heart in thrall - one, his twin sister, and the other, the lady who had captured his heart and become his wife. Free of his boots, he returned to the bed to ply her with kisses and free her of the robe that covered her and kept him from enjoying the wonders of her body.

Warm cloth fell away to the side of the bed as they helped one another from the outer layers that protected against the chill of the evening, the last layers left in place as kisses drew their loving attention once again. No, Juliana did not make love to her husband in the hope of a child. She loved him because of the love in her heart that forged in her a desire to touch and be touched by this one man who had won her where no other had ever gained her attention. Whispered words shared that tenderness with him as her hands found the warm plane of his chest, the cloth of his shirt bunching at her wrists as she caressed his skin, giving as much care to the scars he bore as she did to every other part of him.

He returned her affections, kiss for kiss, caress for caress, putting the thought of children from his mind. This was about them - about their love and desire for each other. He touched her as she touched him, savoring the taste of her that each kiss afforded and the warm silken feel of her skin against his. All he longed for in those quiet, tender moments was for her to know without doubt that he loved her with every kiss and every breath and every beat of his heart. If words could not tell her, then actions would show her.

Oh, she knew. To the deepest depths of her being, she knew Jos loved her, and in turn, she hoped he knew in the same way how very deeply she loved him in return. All thought of children fled her mind when he touched her, when he held her, secure in the knowledge that he was all she would ever truly need to be happy. As she crested to that now familiar peak in his arms, it was his name she called in tender joy, begging him to come with her into the Goddess' gift.

This was a different kind of worship, both honoring the Goddess and celebrating their love. Whether a child came of their union or not was uncertain, but it would not be for lack of trying. And yet, as they rode the wave of their love together, it was not children that were on Joslin's mind so much as pleasing his lady and sharing this most intimate of acts between a man and a woman with the woman he adored.

Juliana de La Roche · Date: 2016-01-13 07:31 EST

Breathless in her Joslin's arms, Juliana nestled close as her body thrummed in witness of what they had shared, her lips tender against his skin. "Why do they call it the Goddess' gift, when men who try to share it in temple are so often jailed for it?" she asked idly, evidence of the stray thoughts that crossed her mind when she was relaxed and happy.

"It is the Goddess' gift, but perhaps it is only truly a gift when it is shared between two people who love as we love. The Goddess' temple is sacred, just as lovemaking is sacred, and to defile the temple is to disrespect the Goddess and the place of Her worship," he explained, though he was no priest. He held her close, their bodies warm with their love.

She chuckled softly, tilting her head back to meet his eyes. "She has a great many rules, our Goddess, does She not?" she smiled. "You must love, but only where loving is allowed. Or are the rules the work of men who make their devotion conform to the time in which they live?"

"Je ne sais pas," Joslin replied after a moment's consideration, brows furrowed in contemplation. "I do not know the answers to your questions," he added. "Does it matter, so long as we honor Her in our own way?" he asked, arms wrapped around her as he met her gaze, both of them relaxed and basking in the glow of their love.

She smiled at him, raising her hand to gently smooth away the furrow in his brow. "No, it doesn't matter so much," she conceded, amused that he should take her post-coital musing so very seriously. "Are you still not used to my philosophical turn in bed, love?"

"I am a soldier, not a philosopher, cherie. I do not know how to answer your questions, but I think there is a difference between rutting and making love, mais oui"" he countered with a question of his own.

"Aye, but when hearts love one another, is there wrongdoing in the one and not in the other?" she countered. She had never been able to explain why lying in his arms set her mind to turning on such odd questions, but they did most of their talking in bed together, away from the curious ears of those who were set to tend to them.

Perhaps it was the fact that this was the one place where they were truly alone; where there were no prying eyes or ears, well-meant or otherwise. This was the one place where they could share their most private thoughts without fear of anyone else judging them or interfering. It was a place where secrets were shared, as well as intimate words of love. "When hearts love one another, perhaps they are one in the same," he pointed out, though he knew how fortunate they were to have been married because of love and not merely for convenience, like so many others.

"Then ....in marriage where there is no love, would it be a sin for the husband to take his marital rights from the wife he owns in the eyes of the law?" Juliana asked curiously. She was not intentionally trying to confuse or challenge her husband. These were questions she had thought on many times before, but had never had anyone to talk with on the subject. "There are many who are not so lucky as we."

Joslin frowned thoughtfully, as her questions became harder to answer. "Non, I suppose there are not," he admitted, which was a lot easier to do than answer her question. "Perhaps the Goddess' gift is the children that come from such a union," he considered. "Is love outside marriage a sin?" he asked further.

"The Church would have us believe that no love is a sin, but lovemaking should be kept between the rightly promised and the wed," she mused thoughtfully. "But what then of those Coimbrans and Lotharingians who are denied the Goddess' Church and Her blessing, yet believe themselves wed?" She shrugged. "Perhaps these thoughts only come to me because of my life on the border. I've not met a priest or priestess who could answer me."

He sighed, still frowning and wondering if he should confess the sins he'd committed before he'd met her, though he'd already confessed them in church before they'd been wed. "I have known other women, Jules," he confessed solemnly. "I have sinned in the eyes of the church and the Goddess. Perhaps it is my fault ..." He trailed off, unwilling to speak the rest of that thought aloud. If it was his fault that the Goddess had not favored them, he would never forgive himself.

She rolled her eyes, frowning at the solemnity in him. She knew him well enough to recognize guilt, even before he admitted to it. "Och, don't even begin to think it," she told him firmly, rising up onto her elbow to look down at him with stern eyes. "What men do before marriage is common enough, and no marriage has been cursed because of it. Your own duke had a reputation for a rake and a scoundrel, and yet he has a bonny son by the wife he loves. My own brother knew women before he loved Justine, and they have been blessed. I do not think the Goddess holds a double standard purely for you, love, and I'll not have you think that, either."

Put that way, he couldn't really argue with her much, a little relieved that it probably wasn't his fault the Goddess had not yet blessed them with children. Still, it wouldn't hurt to make sure they had not offended her in some way. "Perhaps we should go to church and ask the Goddess to bless us," he suggested.

Somehow, they had come back to the only cloud hanging over their loving match. Juliana's smile turned wistful as she settled close against him. "Aye, perhaps we should," she agreed. "It cannot do any harm, surely."

And it would give him a chance to ask the Goddess directly for Her forgiveness and Her blessing, if only for Juliana's sake. "Nous allons," he said. "We will do that then." He smiled as she settled close. "Tomorrow," he added, before touching a kiss to her hair, pausing a moment to breathe in the scent of her that could only belong to his Juliana.

Nestling warm into him, her fingers played against his skin as she tilted her eyes to look up at her husband once again. "Was once enough to put you to sleep, love?" she asked him innocently, but they both knew there was little innocence in that question. She had been teasing him about his strength ever since they had inadvertently broken the main bed at La Roche and had to explain themselves to the sternly smirking Madame Matilde.

She knew him well enough that she should already know the answer to that question. After all, he rarely, if ever, said no and not only because they were trying to have a child. They were young and in love and enjoyed these intimate moments together, whether they were quiet or otherwise. "I am not sleepy. Are you sleepy?" he asked, eyes brightening, a small smirk on his face, presuming she had not yet had enough of him.

"Do I look ready to abandon you to dreams, my bonny?" she laughed, easing up to brush fresh kisses to his lips. "I would send you to a deep night of sleep, and 'tis early yet. Mayhap we should make the windows rattle a while longer yet."

"If that is what you wish, mon amour," he replied rolling onto his back and pulling her along with him. "I am happy to fulfill your wishes," he teased, also happy to exchange her kisses with a few of his own.

She giggled as he drew her over him, her laughter fading to tender sounds of loving pleasure as kisses became caresses, became desire made flesh. It was not the first time that night for them, nor would it be the last, a couple wed less than a year and still delighting in the mysteries they shared in their marriage bed. Whether the Goddess chose to give them children or not, this was Her gift to them, and one they would never cease to enjoy.

((Here's hoping the coin toss favors them next time, or these two are going to be wondering why they can't have a baby for a while longer! Huge thanks to Joslin's player!))