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The life and times of Duci Lovasz as seen through her eyes. A collection of her thoughts and memories, and deepest secrets.

Take a peek, but shh! Don't say a word!

(( All poetry is (c) v3point7, 2012 ))

I want a movie romance Someone to leave me entranced Sweep me off my feet in a whirl I want to be that lucky girl. In love.

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I like to think I'm pretty...I'm nice, caring and giving...Am I too nice, maybe? Maybe. I don't like feeling inadequate, but Rhy'din makes me feel that way. I feel like I have to basically open my legs and mouth to get any guy's attention, and I'm not that kind of girl. There's so much more to me than that. I know, I know...I probably come off a little ditzy, but I gotta have my fun somewhere. I don't want to spend all day talking politics or theorhetical physics, which I don't know much on the subject, but still.

I want to have fun in life. I want to fall in love. Is that too much to ask for"

You left a gaping hole in me, an emptiness I've been battling.

Dear Alper,

I hate you.

I hate the way you've made me cry. I hate the bitter, salty taste that my tears leave in their wake. I hate the tear-stained streaks across my cheeks. I hate how crying makes my eyes puffy and swollen, red with pain. I hate the ache in my chest that your memory leaves.

I hate that you had to die. I hate that I miss you. I hate that it hurts.

Most of all, I hate that I love you so much it hurts. I wish you'd come back to us, you've left a lot of hurt in your wake.

Love, Duci

It's a battle I will lose, if I have to choose.

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I hadn't meant to be so short, I was just so exhausted. I should have smiled, taken the key, and slept in his room. Then I could have avoided getting into it with Riley, too. Riley is my best friend and I love her so much, but she can be so headstrong sometimes.

It really hurt me, the way she attacked Jochin like that. He didn't deserve it. Especially not after everything he's been through recently.

Some friend I am, huh?

I've still got some room to grow, Since I've been inspired by you, Now's the time to try, Something a little new.

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I've got a secet to tell, it's been mine for quite a spell, I want to kiss you tonight, if that's alright.

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He's electric lust, Liquid fire in my mouth, It's go big or bust, Kisses from north to south.

His touch sizzles, Makes my mind frizzle.

Dear Diary,

dklhgldfs;flk;dsf/ That's what my brain thinks right now.

I had the most wonderful evening last night with Jochin. He gave me an inter-dimensional phone for my birthday, which is pretty much one of the best gifts since sliced bread, then we went to this little spot called Fire and Spice. They have delicious falafel.

Jochin's delicious, too. Sorry, got distracted thinking about his ungodly sexy lips. And those muscles...Mmm...umm....Right.

So. Falafel. Yum. We talked and exchanged stories, and it felt so good to get my condition off my chest. He doesn't care that I'm a humanoid Cylon. I guess I shouldn't either, right' Anyway, it started to rain on the way back. Like out of nowhere, sheets of rain kind of storm. We ducked under an awning to stay drier until it passed.

And yummer, too. I haven't had such an amazing make-out session in years. I love making out. It's the best. I could kiss him all night. And longer.

My lips are tingling just thinking about it right now. Gods, I feel like such a little school girl again, tittering away like this.

Love, Duci

She should be dead, yet here she is, if not a little red, but something's amiss.

I can't believe the audacity of these bumbling idiots. I f*cking saved the fleet from mass destruction and they've f*cking locked me in my rooms. When I stepped out of the fighter jet, everyone looked at me like I was a Cylon, not a hero.

Even the guys, and gals, that I have spent the last 5 years eating, sleeping, showering, drinking, fighting, breathing with have taken a step back. They're no longer with me; they're against me. I've never felt more alone than I have in this moment. It hurts a lot more than it should, and that makes me f*cking angry.

They're claiming my fighter blew up in a storm on a planet. I was f*cking shooting down the enemy, so I don't know what in the name of Apollo they're talking about. I clearly didn't blow up— here I am, in the flesh, exactly the way I was before I dropped into the atmosphere of Giada. Sure, it took me a few days to catch back up with them, but that's because these *ssholes left me behind. What happened to 'no man left behind' for Zeus' sake!" I eat, breathe, and bleed just like they do. There's no way I could be a Cylon.

I would know that, right" Right?

I'm on a spaceship, headed home tonight, Watching the stars go by, At the speed of light.

Dear Diary,

I'm here, I made it; I'm actually sitting on a spaceship and not for work. My stomach is in knots, and I feel full of trepidation as I sit here writing this.

I decided to go home for the 10th anniversary of their deaths.

I have not been back since its catastrophic destruction. These old clothes feel ugly and wrong against my skin, but Gyozedelem is not a place for diamonds and pretty things, at least not anymore.

I'm worried I'll run into my brothers. The last time we spoke was an ugly confrontation I'd rather not relive. Not now, not when my heart aches the way it does. I wish I could face them proudly, and open my arms welcoming for them; but I'm a coward, full of shame and despair. They don't know the truth, nor would I like them to. We were raised in an era of hate, and I can't expect them to magically forget everything were taught and raised to be.

But I wish. Fervently. Gods be good, I pray for a speedy flight and a safe landing.

Love, Duci

There you are, I see you now, Bright as a star, How did I miss"

You light my way, Through the dark, Won't you stay, and be my bliss"

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Now that you're whole again, What's that mean for us; what will you do" Will you still need me, As much as I want you?

Jochin's going to be a Hunter again. I don't know what this will entail, exactly. I know it's a part of him, I always knew he'd go back to it. Just didn't think it'd be so soon... He has to, it's his legacy, right' For some reason I thought...You know, I don't know. I'm just wary about what that will mean for me.

Will he still want me in his life; will he have room?



I guess only time will tell...

"I'm the kind of girl who gets what she wants, Don't need to resort to threats and taunts, All it takes is a touch and kiss, And boy, you'll be praying for what you've missed. " His lips were petal soft. Eyes wide and puppy-like, begging to be loved. Theo was soft and pliable, easily bent to my desire. I don't know what possessed me to take advantage of him, but I did. I don't regret it. He made me feel so alive in all of his innocence. I pray he'll forgive me someday. " Theo might have been too shocked to dissuade me; it was easier to give in than fight. His fingers were delicate, firm but careful" I know he was scared; to succumb to temptation, to hurt me. But you can't hurt what you never had. " I tried to focus on the physical pleasure, careful not to let chocolates meet with honey. I couldn't let him personify this"I knew what I needed, and it was never his heart. Am I an awful person for taking advantage of his broken heart" Maybe. " I don't feel guilty. I won't. ?

there's a missing puzzle piece, that fits perfectly right in between, of you and me, shaped like a heart, because it marks our love chart.

Dear Diary,

I left a post-it note on Jochin's door at the Inn. I asked him to find me. This way, there's no excuses, no misfires. Can't cross wires with a handwritten love note, sealed with a kiss

I just hope he comes soon. Back to me.

I miss him. I miss us.

Love, Duci

I only had one wish for this lonely Christmas I wanted nothing but you but what is there to do? 'You and Me' is now my past For good things never last

Dear Diary,

I know it's silly, it was only one Yulemas that we spent together, but the holiday doesn't feel the same. I want to disappear. I'm not being held to any IFL fights, so I picked up some side work that will take me back into space. This way, I won't have to see nor feel.

I don't want to feel sometimes. It hurts a lot.

Love, Duci

I like Sushi rolls, Covered in wasabi, Dripping with soy sauce, Nom-Nom-Nummy.

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steep hopes slippery wish clumsy fingers hungry kiss

Dear you,

I miss waking up in a tangled mess of limbs and sheets. I had such high hopes for the future, a silent wish of simplicity. But all I do is remember; the past is past, even if I refuse to forget.

I want to sink back into your skin, your mind. Those early stages when you're grasping like a fawn, fumbling through layers of clothes and trust. Those stolen moments in the alley when you're trying to rush back to the apartment to feel all of each other. I miss all of it, but I'm not quite ready to find a new encounter.

I guess I'll just wallow in the dust a little longer.

Love, Duci

she's a bad girl, but she makes your toes curl, a shameless flirt, but that don't hurt, her demise lies, in broken hearted good-byes.

Dear Diary,

I'm a horrible being. Truly terrible.

I went out to the Red Dragon over the weekend, and got this guy named Vayne's number...Or at least I'm 90% sure that's what the scrawl said. Though, that may have been brawling related and not looks, but I'm sure I could sway him to the kissy side. He was yummy eye candy, a little shorter than I usually go after, but I'm an equal opportunity dater.

Later that evening, Dave was there, and OMG he's so deliciously devilishly good looking. We didn't actually talk, but I swear he was sending me telepathic messages to come to the dark side or something...I bolted before anything could come of that!

Then, last night, I hit on Darien-Freaking-FENNER! I mean, not that he isn't ungodly good looking and before he settled down, I'd have been lying if I said I did not fantasize about being locked in a bedroom with him. Am I a woman possessed or what"! I know his wife for Hera's sake! Apollo save me, I'm pretty sure she'll smite me in my sleep...I didn't actually *do* anything, not really...Maybe just a bit more friendly than I should have been...And I gave him my number...DUCI WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

I mean, let's be real.... I still hope he'll call. That way I can be featured in the Post again.

After Darien left, I schmoozed at the bar. I could be a bartender, you know, with that perfect draft beer pour game I got going on. Someday, a guy (maybe a girl") will really appreciate that.

So I'm leaning back behind the bar, playing eye footsie with this Tall-Dark-and-Dreamy dude. I mean, he was easily at least a half a foot taller than me with my Amazonian heels on. Talk about DROOL. He also had the most intricate ink covering his arms...And man, he's got good game. I asked him how much it covers and he basically said I'm welcome to find out. I'm mentally fanning myself now. He owes me a favor because I got him a beer, but I would have been alright with a kiss. Which I almost got. When I practically did a body shot off his neck. Mm, delicious. I had to bail right then and there because, a) work stuff, which wasn't wholly true when I told him that, and b) I probably would have lost my mind and let him do bad things to me. Did I mention he's possibly a daemon or angel or something" He gave me a feather. That he pulled out from the back of his shirt. Fallen angel maybe? I don't know...I'm playing with the feather now...Maybe I'll keep it here for safekeeping. I don't even know how to contact him again! I suppose we'll run into each other...eventually.

I'M GOING CRAZY! kbye.

Love, Duci

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endless road, empty feelings, left alone, broken ceilings.

Voice recorded diary entry: Nineteenth Day of the Rhydinian Fifth Month of the Year Twenty Seventeen

I'm in a funk again. That inbetween feeling, where I don't feel quite like myself. I'm floating, literally. Sometimes I wish I'd just float away. I suppose floating endlessly in space wouldn't be terrible, it's pretty. Perhaps just a little cold, and maybe lonely. I don't kn——

Static.

End of entry.

from the deepest, darkest pits of despair please tell me you'll still be there

Dear Diary.

I almost forgot what it was like to feel alive. I spent so much time this year wallowing in the deepest, darkest spaces of the universe. I don't even know why. What was I upset about' Why was I hiding? It was lonely and I lost myself in the monotonous reel of daily life.

I'm glad I signed up for IFL again this year, and that the Chae's were willing to let me be their pale mascot. I haven't been able to make it to every duel, but I know at least one of us will show up and there's always food and drinks after. It's nice to feel apart of something, even if it's not as close knit as the Lazerdicks were.

Speaking of, maybe I should go get some omelettes from Cor and catch up.

Love, Duci

love me, love me, please don't stop there, tell me that I'm pretty, and that you care.

I just want you to want me.

Dear Diary,

Does everything fizzle out" Will I always get bored and look for the next thing to keep me busy" Or will that always happen to me?

Love, Me

I can feel it Pulsing Beneath my skin Like liquid Burning Where you have been

Dear Diary,

I cannot stop thinking about him. I can feel the remnants of his touch all over me, a slow burning desire that refuses to die out. I do not want to call him and admit how much he has influenced me. I am not needy. I refuse to sink that low. Maybe if I go out to the club tonight I can burn him out of my system.

I miss a simpler life.

Love, Duci